Pink-Streaked Hair...

[Tough Grits]

My daughter (12) asked me the other night if she could get pink streaks in her hair.

I am fairly ordinary and conservative in my dress and make-up. I don't color my hair, I haven't even gotten a cut in over a year, maybe more.

I tried not to over-react. But anybody who knows me, knows that whatever I am thinking is quite expressively plastered on my face.

My mind scrambled for something, anything to say!! A commandment, a law, a standard, a scripture...

Then it came to me! I looked at her calmly and said, "How would it look on Fast Sunday for you to bear your testimony in the chapel at the podium with pink hair?"

Is that even a valid reason??? I have not raised my children to care about what the world thinks, or to be worldly. Surely pink hair is worldly, right? How does Heavenly Father feel about pink hair? Is pink any worse than the things women do to their hair on a regular basis?

Would a little pink hair prevent deeper rebellions later? Or would pink hair encourage more shocking behavior?

I am just shocked.

I never wanted pink hair, or any other primary color for that matter. I never wanted tattoos. I never smoked, or took drugs. I never partied. For a girl who grew up in Miami without religion, I sure was--and still am--very conservative and simple.

Where did I go wrong???????????? :lol:

Edited February 23, 2013 by Tough Grits
Missing question mark

[Wingnut]

How does Heavenly Father feel about pink hair?

I don't think He probably cares very much.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Dying one's hair odd colors seems to be the in thing right now. My daughter wanted to dye all her hair pink. I was fine with it because I just see it as a phase, a phase that has nothing to do with her spirituality. My husband felt more like you do though. So she didn't dye all her hair. She did compromise with him and get a temporary dye to make her blonde hair, brown.

I wouldn't be worried about having your daughter dye her hair with pink or whatever. I am a little uncomfortable with your reasoning...what does her hair color have to do with her testimony? Do we want to teach our children to judge people by the way they dress or wear their hair? What is that scripture about people look on the outer man, but God looks on the heart? I'm not judging you, like I said, my husband feels similarly. It is just something to think about.

I never wanted a tatto, but I do so love Henna art. Like the hands pictured here:

Henna by Sienna - Home

I think it is beautiful and it is temporary. Someday I am going to do it. My poor husband will likely be very confused, but good man that he is, he will still love me. My yearning for a "henna tattoo" has nothing whatsoever to do with my testimony.

[Bini]

At least she asked!

[Dravin]

My mind scrambled for something, anything to say!! A commandment, a law, a standard, a scripture...

There is this:

Young men and young women should be neat and clean and avoid being extreme or inappropriately casual in clothing, hairstyle, and behavior.

Link: https://www.lds.org/youth/for-the-strength-of-youth/dress-and-appearance?lang=eng

I suppose one can debate whether the style in question qualifies as extreme.

[pam]

Just my opinion but i think if she is just asking for a few pink streaks I don't see a problem with it. Now if she wanted to dye her entire head of hair bright pink or purple or blue..then I might. But I've seen many girls do a few pink streaks and some it looks really cute on.

[jerome1232]

Here I thought the punk look died in the 90's.

[Iggy]

How is it any different than adding a brightly colored ribbon when you braid your hair?

My Dad used to French Braid my hair and braid in ribbons that matched my clothes. I would have three and sometimes six different colors.

Tough ~ I am 60 years old ~ so this was quite some time ago. The pink strip, isn't it just an add in? Extension? Why don't you have her do some ribbons in bright pink braided in a few thin braids?

[classylady]

Having a pink streak in my hair isn't a fashion statement that I would want for me, but then I'm a grandma. I have blonde streaks in my hair. The different colored streaks seems to be fashionable right now. I've seen girls in my ward with different colored streaks in their hair get up and share their testimonies. It hasn't been a detriment to their testimony that I can see. Nor has it been a distraction. My youngest daughter (21 yrs.) has colored her hair with different streaks at one time or another. She's had purple, blue, red, and pink. I prefer the pink or purple.

I don't see it as a big issue. But then, I was one to "pick my battles" carefully with my children. If my sons wanted long hair, or my girls wanted to streak their hair, I allowed them that choice. There were other things I didn't allow. No weird body piercings, or tattoos. Attending church was another rule they had to abide by.

[NeuroTypical]

I used to think I could help you out TG, but the other month my wife decided to dabble a little with purple highlights. The world doesn't make sense to me any more either.

[Backroads]

A few years ago I had pink streaks in my hair. I also went through a purple hair time in college (it was subtle enough no one cared).

In fact, I would put colored streaks in my hair if my boss would allow it. Maybe that's something to do for the baby time...

[Tough Grits]

I am a little uncomfortable with your reasoning...what does her hair color have to do with her testimony? Do we want to teach our children to judge people by the way they dress or wear their hair? What is that scripture about people look on the outer man, but God looks on the heart? I'm not judging you, like I said, my husband feels similarly. It is just something to think about.

Thank you, no judgement taken!

I think I understand your discomfort to my reasoning, please let me clarify.

I did not mean it in the sense that her testimony would be hampered, I meant it in the sense that others would pay more attention to her hair, than to her sincere testimony.

I looked back at my OP and realized that I shot off lots of questions, without delving into the reason behind my questions. Apparently I need to work on my writing skills. I tend to think/type faster than I explain. Sorry!

My daughter and son have beautiful testimonies for ones so young. They are reverent, their words are sincere and not scripted or rote memorization, and I would hate for the only thing for others to focus on or remember about my daughter's testimony was that she had pink hair.

Again, that probably shouldn't matter, but to me it does.

When I was Teacher Improvement Coordinator (way back when that calling even existed), I learned from the Teaching No Greater Call manual that when we teach (and to me a testimony is teaching) we should not let our message become lost in the method of our delivery, the tools we use, or even the things we are wearing. The most important thing is the message, and it should not be difficult to discover the message among other distractions (even the comfort level of the room should be taken into account, like the seating arrangement and the heating/cooling).

Does that make better sense and clarify what I meant when I said that about my daughter and the bearing of her testimony?

But thank you so much for your insightful observation and question!

Now, let me admit something else about myself. I am EASILY distracted at church. My ADHD severely hampers me unless I sit in the very front row looking at nobody but the speaker and have my spiritual journal out with pen ready to take notes.

My own family (the women) are a distraction to me. I call them the "Cheetah Girls", because of their fondness for wearing animal print clothing, shoes, jewelry, and hats to church. It is not always animal print, but it is mostly vibrant and sticks out. I have no fear or shame in stating this, as I have told my mother many times about her "Cheetah" status. Oh, and did I mention the 6-inch heels? Yes. I am a plain-Jane, mousy frump compared to them.

Please know, that I am really not condemning them. I love my mother. But I truly think that the Cheetah Girls are a distraction for people like me who are easily distracted. I have remedied the situation by sitting in the first pew. I don't know what others do that are easily distracted like me.

But I really don't want my daughter to be a Cheetah Girl. I don't know why, or have any really good explanations.

Maybe Dravin's post explains my feelings and reason best. I think we don't have to be boring, or lose our individuality, but I think some things are distracting.

But as Dravin accurately pointed out, it is up to us individually to determine what is "extreme" or "inappropriate". I, personally, think pink hair is extreme.

But I promise, that I don't condemn anybody for having pink hair...but I will be honest and say that if you came to my ward and bore your testimony, gave a talk, or taught a lesson...that I would be partially distracted by your hair the entire time. That is just the honest truth, and it is my issue, and I claim ownership to my issues!!! ~TG

Edited February 24, 2013 by Tough Grits

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[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I did not mean it in the sense that her testimony would be hampered, I meant it in the sense that others would pay more attention to her hair, than to her sincere testimony.

Don't worry, your writing is fine. I understood you. Thanks for explaining.

I do understand what you mean, for example, I have taught my boys that they should do/wear nothing to call attention to themselves if they are going to bless or pass the Sacrament. Not crazy hair, no flashy ties....because you don't want to distract from the ordinance.

So to a degree we are on the same page. :) I think that your position likely represents many within in the church even without ADHD. So perhaps it is my problem...I don't know. I'm still trying to work that out in my own mind (not about you, but about general LDS culture).

I think it is great that you sit on the front row to minimize distractions. My husband likes to sit near the front for the same reason. Only for him I think it is the children that are distracting, even though he loves kids....or maybe because he loves kids and would be tempted to play peek-a-boo with the little ones? LOL!

[MarginOfError]

The current theory about adolescent development is that 12 and 13 year olds value 'blending in' over pretty much anything else. To address your daughter's question, I would try very hard to ask questions that encourage her to talk about why she wants pink streaks, starting with, "do many of your friends have streaks?" after establishing why, start talking about what it means to have streaks. How will it look to people outside her circle of friends; how much will it cost; and even if it would be a benefit or detriment when applying for a job. The purpose of these questions should be to help her examine the many aspects of her choice. You may share your preference, but don't ask questions with the intent of guiding her to a choice you want her to make.

Finally, let her make the decision. If she choose streaks, even (especially) if the reason seems pointless to you, don't fight it. As she growe into more confidence, she'll make decisions based on better reasons, but having your uncOnditional love and acceptance in the face of her silly choices will go along way to develop that confidence. Save your overruling power for when she's doing something truly emotionally, physically, or spiritually dangerous.

Edited February 24, 2013 by MarginOfError

[Tough Grits]

Don't worry, your writing is fine. I understood you. Thanks for explaining.

I do understand what you mean, for example, I have taught my boys that they should do/wear nothing to call attention to themselves if they are going to bless or pass the Sacrament. Not crazy hair, no flashy ties....because you don't want to distract from the ordinance.

So to a degree we are on the same page. :) I think that your position likely represents many within in the church even without ADHD. So perhaps it is my problem...I don't know. I'm still trying to work that out in my own mind (not about you, but about general LDS culture).

I think it is great that you sit on the front row to minimize distractions. My husband likes to sit near the front for the same reason. Only for him I think it is the children that are distracting, even though he loves kids....or maybe because he loves kids and would be tempted to play peek-a-boo with the little ones? LOL!

Yes, children are distracting to me too...for two reasons. Not only do I focus on them instead of the talks when they are being loud or misbehaving, but I love looking at and holding babies! My favorite cousin in the word has the sweetest, rottenest baby that I get so distracted by if I look behind me to look at. By the way, my cousin and I distract each other horribly, so I try my hardest not to look back at him anyway (he is a trouble-maker, talks too much, and is highly excitable, and probably ADHD...just like me!!!! HA HA Maybe that is why he is my favorite!!!)

[Tough Grits]

The current theory about adolescent development is that 12 and 13 year olds value 'blending in' over pretty much anything else. To address your daughter's question, I would try very hard to ask questions that encourage her to talk about why she wants pink streaks, starting with, "do many of your friends have streaks?" after establishing why, start talking about what it means to have streaks. How will it look to people outside her circle of friends; how much will it cost; and even if it would be a benefit or detriment when applying for a job. The purpose of these questions should be to help her examine the many aspects of her choice. You may share your preference, but don't ask questions with the intent of guiding her to a choice you want her to make.

Finally, let her make the decision. If she choose streaks, even (especially) if the reason seems pointless to you, don't fight it. As she growe into more confidence, she'll make decisions based on better reasons, but having your uncOnditional love and acceptance in the face of her silly choices will go along way to develop that confidence. Save your overruling power for when she's doing something truly emotionally, physically, or spiritually dangerous.

Thank you MOE for your insightful response.

I have to admit...I am terrified. I am good with toddlers and kids, but entering this new territory of teenagers is really freaking me out. I didn't think so, until she asked about the pink hair.

I thought that was odd. My daughter has never been on the cutting-end, or worldly-end of fashion or style. She is beautiful, but in a natural, simple way. She is goofy, funny, gregarious, talkative, and slightly dramatic. She loves singing and dancing. Yes, she is ADHD and takes medicine. She is highly intelligent, with the attention span of a squirrel.

I am going to take your suggestion and sit down with her and delve a little deeper into the reasons for her wanting the pink hair. I cannot lie and say that I would ever pay for her to have streaks. It still doesn't seem right to me, but maybe there is something that will come out during our conversation, or maybe there is something else that will satisfy her need to be bold...if that is even what it is.

Maybe I need to delve into my own reasons for thinking it is unnecessary. She is my little "mini me" in so many ways, but she is so different in other ways. She is popular and all the kids in her gifted classes are the same kids that she has been with every year since kindergarten. It is a tight, social, and popular group. I was never part of any group in school, much less the popular group. I was very independent. Still am. I never followed trends or styles, still don't. I dress nice and I try to be put-together whenever I leave my home, but I never worry about the latest trends or styles...in fact, I tend to rebel against what others are doing, or rebel against doing what is "popular". Hmmmmm, maybe I am anti-popular. Anti-trends. That isn't going to mesh well with a teenager who is in the popular group.

Thanks again for your insights. This is new territory for me. It seems I have a lot to think about, and a lot to discuss with my daughter. ~TG

Edited February 24, 2013 by Tough Grits
Typos and flow

[Wingnut]

Maybe I need to delve into my own reasons for thinking it is unnecessary.

Unnecessary is one thing. You seem like you think it's wrong, though. In your previous paragraph, you said it doesn't seem right to you. Unnecessary and wrong are not equivocal.

[Tough Grits]

Unnecessary is one thing. You seem like you think it's wrong, though. In your previous paragraph, you said it doesn't seem right to you. Unnecessary and wrong are not equivocal.

I grew up in Miami and later moved to Naples for my last two years of high school. Most of the kids that I knew in the late 80's and 90's that had colored hair (other than naturally occurring hair colors) were the "goths". Those were the kids who dressed all in black, ripped holes in their clothes and stockings, had multiple piercings, and wore blue lipstick. I think goth later become "grunge".

One of my very good friends was one of the goth kids. She was awesome, and so sweet. I loved her. We worked together at a fast-food place after school. She told me that she dressed that way because she wanted to be different than the other kids who were cookie-cutters of each other. I never had the guts to tell her that she wasn't very different, as she looked nearly the same as all the other goths in her group.

If my daughter is trying to look or be "different", I don't see how she will accomplish that if she chooses to do what all her friends are doing. If she is trying to be the same as them, then I wonder why she feels that she has to be the same as anybody else.

Maybe I am too independent to understand "fitting in" behavior. I think pink hair is unnecessary...and maybe I think it is wrong depending on the reason she gives me. I don't know. Maybe I think it is wrong no matter what answer she gives me.

I sure hope that there aren't people out there who think being a parent is easy!!!

Edited February 25, 2013 by Tough Grits
and the cow jumped over the moon...

[MarginOfError]

I grew up in Miami and later moved to Naples for my last two years of high school. Most of the kids that I knew in the late 80's and 90's that had colored hair (other than naturally occurring hair colors) were the "goths". Those were the kids who dressed all in black, ripped holes in their clothes and stockings, had multiple piercings, and wore blue lipstick. I think goth later become "grunge".

One of my very good friends was one of the goth kids. She was awesome, and so sweet. I loved her. We worked together at a fast-food place after school. She told me that she dressed that way because she wanted to be different than the other kids who were cookie-cutters of each other. I never had the guts to tell her that she wasn't very different, as she looked nearly the same as all the other goths in her group.

If my daughter is trying to look or be "different", I don't see how she will accomplish that if she chooses to do what all her friends are doing. If she is trying to be the same as them, then I wonder why she feels that she has to be the same as anybody else.

Maybe I am too independent to understand "fitting in" behavior. I think pink hair is unnecessary...and maybe I think it is wrong depending on the reason she gives me. I don't know. Maybe I think it is wrong no matter what answer she gives me.

I sure hope that there aren't people out there who think being a parent is easy!!!

At her age, the psychology is a little messed up. Being labelled different by the group comes with a huge social cost. Even if the group is trying to be different by doing the same thing as each other (true logic has no place in the mind of the early adolescent).

I guess, in my opinion, it seems like their bodies are going through so many emotional and physical changes in puberty that there are some battles that are worth not fighting. There are times that things that aren't important to you will be very important to her for the most bizarre reasons. As long as she feels like you acknowledge and respect that it is important to her (even if you disagree), you will be fine.

As a side note, I'd strongly recommend picking up "Girls Will Be Girls." The first few pages will give you great insight into what your daughter is going through.

Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters: Joann Deak: 9780786886579: Amazon.com: Books

[Guest ldsashley]

I agree with previous posters that it's worth talking to her about, and maybe even letting her make her own decision. I would show her what's in the for the strength of youth pamphlet as part of that conversation.

Just as as another option - when I was 14, there was something called hair mascara. I used to put one blue streak in my hair every day (I know, I was really cool), and it just washed out the next time I washed my hair. Maybe it's worth looking into whether they still sell that?

[Jennarator]

I'm just waiting for my 12 year old to ask the same thing.

[Tough Grits]

I agree with previous posters that it's worth talking to her about, and maybe even letting her make her own decision. I would show her what's in the for the strength of youth pamphlet as part of that conversation.

Just as as another option - when I was 14, there was something called hair mascara. I used to put one blue streak in my hair every day (I know, I was really cool), and it just washed out the next time I washed my hair. Maybe it's worth looking into whether they still sell that?

Hmmm, sounds interesting. I will google it!!

[Tough Grits]

As a side note, I'd strongly recommend picking up "Girls Will Be Girls." The first few pages will give you great insight into what your daughter is going through.

Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters: Joann Deak: 9780786886579: Amazon.com: Books

Thank you so much. You know how to get to me...through reading! Thank you for linking it too...much appreciated.

[talisyn]

It's too bad you don't go to my ward. I'm sure seeing my 41 yr old self with a full head of blue and red hair will make her decide only old women do crazy colors

I'd say, like everyone else, choose your battles. If this is something important to you then she needs to understand that. It is true that colored streaks is very popular right now, this may be a good time to teach about why one shouldn't always follow the crowd?