Feeling alone in a room full of people....

[applepansy]

...., especially when that room is the Relief Society room, is a bit hard to take.

[Leah]

...., especially when that room is the Relief Society room, is a bit hard to take.

I have that same feeling more often than I'd like to admit.

[Guest]

Why? Nobody you can relate to?

I used to feel this way when I was not a Mormon yet. I refused to go to RS as an investigator because I felt alienated from everybody.

But now, I have lots of friends there... there are a bunch of Filipinos in our ward so I can sit with one if I like and we always have something in common to relate to. I'm also friends with the parents of cub scouts who are in there. I've also had some families come to my house for dinners before so they all know me and I know them even if not really close friends.

And then, I've been doing the "song conducting" in sacrament meeting for going on 5 years now so most ward members know me by name (my name gets mentioned every sacrament meeting - "and we'd like to acknowledge Sister So-and-So and Sister Anatess for accompanying and conducting the hymns...") so I always feel a certain warmth in RS as they call me by my name in greeting. It's a bit intimidating because having been in Primary for a long time, I don't know most of their names.

But yes, there are a lot of women there who I just don't have something in common with besides being LDS and sometimes the way the lessons themselves are presented is not something I can relate to.

Edited May 13, 2013 by anatess

[applepansy]

Why? Nobody you can relate to?

Why is complicated. It isn't about not being able to relate to somebody or anyone.

But yes, there are a lot of women there who I just don't have something in common with besides being LDS and sometimes the way the lessons themselves are presented is not something I can relate to.

What do you do when you sit by someone you don't know well or don't have anything in common with?

[Gwen]

I know the feeling. It can sometimes be in a room full of ppl that you are "friends" with. Sometimes there is just a disconnect that leaves the alone feeling. Wish I could help you not feel so alone.

[Guest]

What do you do when you sit by someone you don't know well or don't have anything in common with?

I introduce myself and I try to remember their names when they introduce themselves to me (I'm terrible with this!). If she sings the melody of the hymn, I'll softly sing the alto part and vice versa (I love just hearing that harmony between the person I'm sitting to and myself), and usually, we're too busy listening to the topic that there's not much words exchanged between us unless she makes a comment and I have something to say about it or if I notice something that catches my eye like, "Oh, those are pretty shoes!".

Edited May 13, 2013 by anatess

[Vort]

or if I notice something that catches my eye like, "Oh, those are pretty shoes!".

I always appreciate it when my Priesthood brethren compliment my shoes.

[Magen_Avot]

My wife experiences the same thing,... no, not the shoe compliments, the disconnect with RS sisters. For years and multiple wards. Being on the outside looking in, I'd say pray to change your attitude about things and seek that change. My disconnect with members in general is much greater in the Middle East from my personal experience. (I'd take my normal disconnect any day) I don't take it personal and accept the situation as a blessing that must be found. I can accept members for who they are, but there was a day. I'm not very social so it's difficult at times. You're not me so maybe my thoughts don't mix well for you but there is help in the Lord and He can help you find a way.

[applepansy]

Magen_Avot, Its not personal for me. It hurts me more for the other sisters being ignored than for myself.

I have blamed it on my "hibernate" attitude on occassion. But there are 6-8 sisters who feel this and you can see it happen if you know where to look. After the short lesson, prayer and blessing on the "brunch" there is a physical turning away. If you look around the room you will see a sister in the middle of a row and on both side of that her other sisters have turned to the person on their other side ignoring the one in the middle. If it was one or two it might not be so noticeable. Family groups congregate, friend groups congregate....and those who don't fit in either group are left out.

I got up and quietly left. I think it would be easier if it was just me, but its not. And in a room of chairs and groups its nearly impossible to get across the room to the other ignorees. As I was walking down the hall I heard my name. I turned and the sister who followed me asked if I was ok. I said yes and Happy Mother's Day. Then she said "You're not the only one." She's lived here longer than I have and I've been here 18 years.

Amazingly enough the sisters who are doing the excluding don't even realize they are doing it.

[Guest]

I'm sure the ones doing it don't realize it. They've probably even been in her position. I know for most of my teen and adult life, I haven't really felt that I had good friends at church. Now I'm in the rare position that I do, and I just feel guilty that I can't be that with everyone. It's hard. . . no one has the emotional or physical energy or time to be everyone's BFF, but we also need to be sure no one is feeling left out. The answer is somewhere in the middle and I strive to find it.

[pam]

I feel that way quite often.

[Wingnut]

About three or four years ago, I hosted a ladies game night at my house (not bunco, just general). No one spoke to me almost the entire evening, except to ask where to put the food they brought, and then where the trash was. After that evening, I was so discouraged. I vowed not to host another one again. Sadly, I haven't.

More recently, I've had a really hard time at church. Most of you know from this board that I'm a Democrat, and while not terribly liberal, I'm a lot more left-of-center than most mainstream LDS members. I also live in a suburb of Cleveland, OH, one of the most liberal districts in the country. Election season last year was really rough for me with regard to church. There is a small grouping of women in my ward who are also more liberal, but I can count them on one hand. Most of us avoid such conversations while at church on Sundays, but we know who each other are. However, a lot of things were said to and about me (and others) during the last election season that left me quite disenchanted. At least two people with whom I was previously close said extremely hurtful and damaging things to me. Friendships were injured, and relationships of trust were violated. Church became a hostile place to me, not a safe one anymore. This (among a few other things) was actually the reason I started this thread.

But yes, it sucks to sit in a room full of people and be completely alone. It really really sucks. Hugs to you, applepansy!

[pam]

I think part of me feeling that way is the ward I'm in. Being single with grown kids and also I don't live in the neighborhood that most of the ward lives in I feel a bit of an outcast. I felt that same way in my last ward too.

I live in a manufactured home that sits in amobile home park that is some distance from the actual neighborhood or ward that I'm assigned to. Since I don't live in the actual neighborhood I'm not part of the neighborhood so not ever invited to any of the neighborhood get togethers. It carries over into church.

When attending my last ward, I lived in a huge apartment complex that was split up and assigned to several neighborhood wards. Again the same thing. I didn't actually live in the neighborhood and have the close contact that neighbors do, so you never really feel a part of the ward.

[annewandering]

It happens a lot. I have never felt part of our RS or ward or even town even though I was born here. Fortunately I have my husband and kids so it doesnt bother me directly. Like Applepansy, though, I worry about the ones who do feel lost because of the disconnect.

My suggestion is to note who has been shut out and sit by them next Sunday. Notice them in the hallway and say hi or some friendly comment. I am not sure what more you can do except to be more friendly and welcoming yourself.

[beefche]

About three or four years ago, I hosted a ladies game night at my house (not bunco, just general). No one spoke to me almost the entire evening, except to ask where to put the food they brought, and then where the trash was. After that evening, I was so discouraged. I vowed not to host another one again. Sadly, I haven't.

More recently, I've had a really hard time at church. Most of you know from this board that I'm a Democrat, and while not terribly liberal, I'm a lot more left-of-center than most mainstream LDS members. I also live in a suburb of Cleveland, OH, one of the most liberal districts in the country. Election season last year was really rough for me with regard to church. There is a small grouping of women in my ward who are also more liberal, but I can count them on one hand. Most of us avoid such conversations while at church on Sundays, but we know who each other are. However, a lot of things were said to and about me (and others) during the last election season that left me quite disenchanted. At least two people with whom I was previously close said extremely hurtful and damaging things to me. Friendships were injured, and relationships of trust were violated. Church became a hostile place to me, not a safe one anymore. This (among a few other things) was actually the reason I started this thread.

But yes, it sucks to sit in a room full of people and be completely alone. It really really sucks. Hugs to you, applepansy!

See, I don't get this. Why are people you associate with at church talking about your political beliefs? You and I are pretty opposite on the political sphere. If we were to hang out regularly, I'm sure this would be a subject that we would just avoid (at least I would) so that no bad feelings would be involved if our disagreements got heated (and sorry to say, politics can do that to even the most reasonable people).

But, for someone at church who is opposite than I, politically? I wouldn't even blink an eye about that. If I'm not going to hang with them socially (for whatever reason), then why am I discussing their political beliefs to people at church?

Maybe I'm just not understanding what happened (very likely--I'm not fully coherent on Mondays).

[Leah]

I think part of me feeling that way is the ward I'm in. Being single with grown kids and also I don't live in the neighborhood that most of the ward lives in I feel a bit of an outcast. I felt that same way in my last ward too.

I live in a manufactured home that sits in amobile home park that is some distance from the actual neighborhood or ward that I'm assigned to. Since I don't live in the actual neighborhood I'm not part of the neighborhood so not ever invited to any of the neighborhood get togethers. It carries over into church.

When attending my last ward, I lived in a huge apartment complex that was split up and assigned to several neighborhood wards. Again the same thing. I didn't actually live in the neighborhood and have the close contact that neighbors do, so you never really feel a part of the ward.

I've only ever been in one ward, so I don't have a lot of experience..but...the ward I am in...if you are a "single" in this ward makes most of the singles feel like outcasts. I've heard this from the other singles since before I joined, but I was sure I was going to have a different outlook. I was determined to. There seems to be some rule that single women and married women can't be friends. You don't get invited to a married couple's home for a meal if you aren't also a couple (or a missionary!). It's just assumed that the "singles" have places to go on the holidays because "Well...there's a singles thing, isn't there?". We're told in RS that such-and-such information was given to our husbands in their meeting and NO effort or thought is given to the fact that there are women who do not have a husband.

I am not a "single". I am Sister Leah. There's a heck of a lot more to me than just my current marital status.

And before some of you jump in...no, I don't sit around dwelling on this or feeling sorry for myself. I am not the one who feels the need to assign the label.

[Wingnut]

See, I don't get this. Why are people you associate with at church talking about your political beliefs? You and I are pretty opposite on the political sphere. If we were to hang out regularly, I'm sure this would be a subject that we would just avoid (at least I would) so that no bad feelings would be involved if our disagreements got heated (and sorry to say, politics can do that to even the most reasonable people).

But, for someone at church who is opposite than I, politically? I wouldn't even blink an eye about that. If I'm not going to hang with them socially (for whatever reason), then why am I discussing their political beliefs to people at church?

Perhaps it would have been a lesser issue if the candidate hadn't been LDS. Despite frequent reminders that the church is neutral, that politics don't belong in the meetinghouse, etc., people are people.

Examples:

(1) Our email list was used as a forum for announcing rallies, etc., which was technically allowed because it was an "unofficial" list. Unofficial or not, the email addresses added to it were collected and solicited in Relief Society meetings. When this was pointed out in person to both my bishop and Relief Society president, on more than one occasion, and by more than one person, the only response was, "It's an unofficial list, and people can do what they want."

(2) A pumpkin with Romney's face carved into it was brought to the ward Halloween party and plopped right down on the stage at the front of the cultural hall, for all to see -- a tacit endorsement. Members of the ward were strongly encouraged by the bishopric and particularly the ward mission leader to bring non-member friends to the ward Halloween party, as it would be a great missionary opportunity. Who brought the pumpkin? The ward mission leader. Several non-member families did come that evening. And remember -- I live near liberal East Cleveland, and there are a lot of African-Americans in my area. At least one new family who can that night fell into both those categories. When I called the WML on his actions later, his response was, "what? He's a famous Mormon." I asked him why he didn't choose Harry Reid, then, and he had no response. (For the record, if it was a pumpkin with Obama's face carved into it, I would have been just as bothered, and would have thought it just as inappropriate. I just would have laughed first. )

(3) I was called by close friends a "borderline Christian, at best" for voting for a party that is pro-choice, despite my explanations that I felt strongly about agency. (One of these friends posted on FB yesterday, "Happy Mother's Day to everyone! So glad your mother was pro-life!" I have no problem with the sentiment, but I was really annoyed -- it's Mothers Day for goodness' sake...no need to politicize it!)

It wasn't everyone, and it wasn't even most people in my ward, I guess. But it was a vocal few who were quite thoughtless in their words and tones, and who came across very hurtfully. It didn't necessarily happen during church meetings, but it happened among church members, and the feelings easily carried over.

Maybe I'm just not understanding what happened (very likely--I'm not fully coherent on Mondays).

Lol!

[Guest]

Perhaps it would have been a lesser issue if the candidate hadn't been LDS. Despite frequent reminders that the church is neutral, that politics don't belong in the meetinghouse, etc., people are people.

Examples:

(1) Our email list was used as a forum for announcing rallies, etc., which was technically allowed because it was an "unofficial" list. Unofficial or not, the email addresses added to it were collected and solicited in Relief Society meetings. When this was pointed out in person to both my bishop and Relief Society president, on more than one occasion, and by more than one person, the only response was, "It's an unofficial list, and people can do what they want."

(2) A pumpkin with Romney's face carved into it was brought to the ward Halloween party and plopped right down on the stage at the front of the cultural hall, for all to see -- a tacit endorsement. Members of the ward were strongly encouraged by the bishopric and particularly the ward mission leader to bring non-member friends to the ward Halloween party, as it would be a great missionary opportunity. Who brought the pumpkin? The ward mission leader. Several non-member families did come that evening. And remember -- I live near liberal East Cleveland, and there are a lot of African-Americans in my area. At least one new family who can that night fell into both those categories. When I called the WML on his actions later, his response was, "what? He's a famous Mormon." I asked him why he didn't choose Harry Reid, then, and he had no response. (For the record, if it was a pumpkin with Obama's face carved into it, I would have been just as bothered, and would have thought it just as inappropriate. I just would have laughed first. )

(3) I was called by close friends a "borderline Christian, at best" for voting for a party that is pro-choice, despite my explanations that I felt strongly about agency. (One of these friends posted on FB yesterday, "Happy Mother's Day to everyone! So glad your mother was pro-life!" I have no problem with the sentiment, but I was really annoyed -- it's Mothers Day for goodness' sake...no need to politicize it!)

It wasn't everyone, and it wasn't even most people in my ward, I guess. But it was a vocal few who were quite thoughtless in their words and tones, and who came across very hurtfully. It didn't necessarily happen during church meetings, but it happened among church members, and the feelings easily carried over.

Lol!

I can't say this doesn't happen in our ward because it does too. It's just that a lot of people here will have no problem putting the pumpkin in the kitchen where nobody can see it... even though most of them are Romney fans too. Ward mission leader or no.

I attended a Primary leadership meeting once and dinner was served by our awesome Primary president. While having dinner - before the meeting started - the conversation turned to challenges by some of the teachers (there are some primary teachers who also work as teachers in the public school system) in the inner city schools... the tone started turning into racial divides and it started to border on racist comments. There's not a single black person in attendance but some of the sisters put their foot down and kindly pointed out that the conversation is starting to get racist undertones and we all took a step back and started thinking our conversations through in a more responsible manner. And I really enjoyed that meeting as nobody went home with hurt feelings (I think).

[Guest]

About three or four years ago, I hosted a ladies game night at my house (not bunco, just general). No one spoke to me almost the entire evening, except to ask where to put the food they brought, and then where the trash was. After that evening, I was so discouraged. I vowed not to host another one again. Sadly, I haven't.

I do this a lot. Invite people from Church I don't know to my house. I used to be the activities chairperson about 5 years ago and then recently they got rid of the position and I missed it immensely because now our activities are not very well thought out anymore.

So, anyway, I would just invite people at random - I would meet somebody in the hallway, we would start talking and out my mouth comes an invitation to dinner. And since I already got myself committed to making dinner, I start inviting other people I meet on the hallways to it. Yes, my husband is used to it by now.

So, usually, those who do accept the invite, goes to my house and because I'm always late for everything end up having to help me finish dinner. They usually ask me what they can do to help and I just hand them a spoon and say, "Can you stir this for me?" or something... and they usually see the zoo of a house I have (literally - I have like a jillion pets) and my kids are just too happy to show off their pet this-and-that and by the time the dinner is over I have not learned a single thing about my guests besides their names and that they hate/like snakes as they have not "really" talked to me and I have not had a chance to talk to them.

But at least they have been to my house and when I meet them at the hallway again, I can feel more comfortable saying Hi, commenting on their awesome shoes, and just being the motor-mouth that I am.

This year, my New Year's Resolution was to open my ears more than my mouth. Yes, I'm failing at it as of today. I have to change that because I need to really get to know people instead of talking their ears off all the time.

Edit to add: I realize that just because I talked to them or invited them to my house does not mean that they felt "fellowshipped". What is needed more, I think, is that I listened to what they had to say more than anything else.

Edited May 13, 2013 by anatess

[annewandering]

No wonder our leaders have told us to keep politics out of church. To drive people away from the church over politics is just wrong. Some people have this weird idea that God is the head of their party so they are justified. Then there is bullying. Sad to think that adults will bully others to look good themselves and at church at that. It says very sad things about them not the person they bully.

I have had so many members of the church tell me over and over that satan is leading me. They ask how I can be a good member of the church and be liberal. Then they keep trying to save me. It is insulting at the least.

I have never told a conservative that they are followers of satan unless they just keep harassing me. Disagreeing is one thing. Calling a person, personally, a follower of satan is not being a good member of the church. No wonder we feel so outcast in our own church. There are people on this site that I could be good friends with but it will never happen because they show no respect for opinions that dont follow theirs.

[Suzie]

About three or four years ago, I hosted a ladies game night at my house (not bunco, just general). No one spoke to me almost the entire evening, except to ask where to put the food they brought, and then where the trash was.

That's because you didn't invite me, I assure you if you did, I would have talked to you all evening :) to the point of having to tell me to shut up.

[annewandering]

That's because you didn't invite me, I assure you if you did, I would have talked to you all evening :) to the point of having to tell me to shut up.

I am for inviting Suzie to all future parties to which I have not been invited either!!!!

[Guest]

Me and Suzie in the same room would be... deeesssaaaasssteeerrr....

[Suzie]

Me and Suzie in the same room would be... deeesssaaaasssteeerrr....

Is that a good disaster or a bad disaster?

[Wingnut]

Is that a good disaster or a bad disaster?

Think Ke$ha+Nicki Minaj. Rosie+Donald.