how do you know he's the one?

[Chrissy3818]

How do l you know he's the you'r going marry? What if they're pretty close to everything you've ever wanted. (since perfect doesn't exist) how do you know. or better yet. How did you know to marry your spouse. r

[SpiritDragon]

Ahhh! How did I know to marry my wife? Well that is an interesting story of faith and trial. When my wife and I started dating we both were amazed at how easy it was for us to talk to each other --> and it didn't matter what it was, we could talk about everything for hours. We found that we tended to have very similar ideas about the way things should be done and really liked being around each other. I really didn't want to mess up on this decision because I knew it would shape the rest of my life (eternally). I studied the scriptures a lot and read several talks and an institute manual on marital relationships. I learned that there is no such thing as "the one" as in the one and only, but I like that your wording is the one you're going to marry.

Most important of all I prayed about it like crazy. I kept hoping that god would either tell me to marry her or tell me to run far far away. Again I had to relearn the way revelation works. Ultimately, to get my answer I had to make a decision that I thought she was right for me to marry and presented this idea to the Lord for confirmation. When I felt the spirit strongly in a similar fashion to when I gained my testimony of the Book of Mormon I accepted this as the Lord confirming to me that I had made a good decision.

Once we were engaged things got a bit ugly because we did not really agree on anything about the wedding day. I was concerned because she seemed so unwilling to even make the smallest compromise. I was so close to calling the whole thing off so many times I can't count them. The only reason I didn't was the answer to my prayer that she would be a good eternal companion. Oh, was I scared though... if she couldn't compromise on wedding plans would I be entering a relationship where my opinion was always discounted?

As it turned out she loved our wedding day, I hated it, but we have a good marriage. It does make me sad that what likely should have been a happy time for me was overshadowed by deep hurt that certainly didn't help our marriage off to the greatest start. The good news is that with time and the help of the atonement that I have largely overcome the hurt feelings of betrayal in not getting a single personal request granted on my wedding day. It was such a rough day for me that I wasn't sure I could go through with it in the temple, when the spirit again came and brought me peace and gave the courage to go forward and a "yes" came out of my mouth.

The last 5 1/2 years of marriage have been a blessing to me though, and although my wife is not perfect... I am no super prize either, but she treats me like one anyway.

[mdfxdb]

Saw this article posted here by another: A True and Sufficient Love - Ensign Feb. 1979 - ensign

it's excellent.

[Bini]

Dating is the time to figure out what you like and what you don't like about your romantic interest. Then you decide what you're willing to live with, regardless of imperfections, when seriously contemplating marriage. If you can't stand something or more importantly won't stand something further down the line - better rethink the idea of marriage.

I've dated a lot of people and from all walks of life. Some were real scum but there were others that completely swept me off my feet and I was left thinking - wow - could this be? I don't believe in soul mates, I think there's a wide number of individuals out there that I could have 'cliqued' with but I chose my husband. I love and accept all of him. Could there be another man out there that connects with me? Sure, I'm sure there is, probably several but I've made my decision and I'm not looking for anything else because I feel complete as we are as a couple. So my ending advice, date lots of people and figure out what you're willing to live with down the road because the things that kind of bug you, will really bug you once you're married :) Marriage is about growing with each other, every day.

[NeuroTypical]

I just couldn't for the life of me make this decision on my own. I fasted for 3 days, then showed up at the Patriarch's house for my patriarchical blessing, and showed him the engagement ring. The ensuing blessing cleared up God's thoughts on the matter for me, and I haven't really looked back since. (16 years and 2 kids now.)

[MarginOfError]

I didn't know.

I still don't know.

I made a choice, and all the evidence suggested when I made the choice (and continues to suggest now) that it was a good choice.

[garryw]

just get a prenup

[Lakumi]

just get a prenup

that's my plan if I get married and it doesn't work out

(as well as faking my own death)

[Guest]

My husband said when he first met me, he found himself thinking of me as his wife, which had never happened before. I knew pretty quickly into dating that he was the guy for me. It took him awhile to feel comfortable, having seen so many bad marriages in his family and not wanting to repeat their mistakes. Ultimately it came to him feeling peace when he thought of us being together, and remembering those initial feelings when we met.

As for me, I'm one of those annoying people that just knew. But he is an exceptional, wonderful person and anyone would have been an idiot to turn away a shot at being his wife.

[Guest]

How I knew that I'm going to marry Mr. Anatess:

I was 100% positive that if some guy who looks like Brad Pitt and as powerful as the President and as kind as the Pope and as rich as Bill Gates ever says to me, "I love you and I want to be yours forever", I can look him straight in the eye and say, "You're going to make some wonderful girl the luckiest girl in the planet. But it's not going to be me because, as wonderful as you are, Mr. Anatess is my husband".

[Anddenex]

What I would do if I were single again, back in your position:

1. I would relax knowing that God is watching over me, and if I am living the gospel the spirit is with me.

2. Recognize, in choosing a marriage partner, there is never "the one." However, maybe for Joseph Smith, Adam, etc... there might have been "the one," but for many of us there are others who would be just as compatible.

3. I would read over and over again until I felt I fully comprehended Elder Holland's words, "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence."

4. If you have received your patriarchal blessing reread and verify if your P.B. shares anything about your potential spouse.

5. Marriage is a personal choice, by which you make a choice (hopefully have received some personal witness from the Lord), and then after you make a choice you make the choice to continue to love your choice.

6. The individual you choose to marry, and the individual who chooses to marry you, becomes the "one" when you finally make the decision to say "yes" over the alter.

7. Keep standards.

8. I knew my wife was the one because we could talk about anything effortlessly. I knew she was the one because she was the only women I dated that satisfied (clearly satisfied) the requirements the Lord mentions in my P.B. I knew she was the "one" when after praying regarding a dream from my mission, she actually stayed dating me. I knew she was the "one" when she made the choice to accept my proposal.

Best wishes in your endeavors :)

[Quin]

I'll tell you how I "knew" with my husband (11 years, now divorced) and why I should have taken that as a reason NOT to marry him!

He was like no one I'd ever dated before.

I thought that was a good thing (think miles of romantic stories all with the same theme of "like no one I've ever met before). Thwibbt. .

Upon furor reflection... This was part of a series of bad decisions on my part.

Because all the men I'd dated were GOOD men. Great guys. Awesome people. My "type" was pretty strong personality wise... 99% of the guys I dated were phenom people. And then I went and few that all away for the romantic ideal of .like no one else in the world.

Okay, okay, there's lots of sociopaths in the world. But I hadn't dated any before.

So my piece of advice on this would be to flat out ignore most of what other people's defining moments were/are... And to get really solid in your own.

For ME, that meant that I should look at my history. If I date great guys,,and this one is completely different... What does that really say?

For SOMEONE ELSE, that may be the inverse... If someone classically dates not so great guys, and his one is different, that would be a good thing.

See what I mean?

Different benchmarks for everyone.

I ended up marrying the mother of all mind games, manipulating, controlling, unconfident, talks a great game but doesnt walk the walk, AWFUL human being. There are worse out there, for sure, but this guy's bar was so low I'd have to break out the shovel.

Shudder. Seriously bad decision on my part.

So, too, was ignoring promptings to run (before the marriage, on my wedding day, barely 1 year, and then 3 years in.) Because how could those promotings be "right"? (Must just be cold feet, nerves, me being selfish, etc.). Noooooooo. Those were serious promptings to Get. Out. Of. Dodge.

I COMPLETELY ignored what was right, in favor for what was "supposed" to be right. (like "all marriages have problems, no ones perfect, blah blah blah. Nope. I should have listened to my gut and run for the hills... INSTEAD of listening to social conventions and my head.

Actual arguments with myself (two of many),.. Prior to the wedding & immediately after: After all the expense and planning of the wedding I felt I "owed" it to those who had spent that money & time, HOw could I let everyone down? It's unfair. Et cetera. . Well, my divorce cost 21.5 times more than my wedding. How's that for fleecing and disappointing people? Yikes.

After the wedding : "I only believe in divorce in cases of abuse... Means that if he can control himself enough "just" to punch holes in walls instead of punching me/us...it doesn't count / not worthy of divorce. (He later strangled me and fractured my skull... Took him a decade to work up to that... But we got there).

In both cases I did what I felt "should" be right, instead of what LOOKED totally wrong (screwing over my parents financially & breaking his heart), and then staying until things got deadly, instead of leaving when there was still a chance of not being violently assaulted.

I was "in love"... So it didn't make sense... But my decisions were based on fear (of letting others down, giving up 5 minutes before the miracle/ not being a good wife who stands by her husband for better/worse)... And GOT exactly what Inwas afraid of.

"Should be" vs. "Is" have been huge lessons in my own life.

May be totally unrelated to yours.

Aka, my advice to be really solid in yourself. Because my lessons may be totally unrelated. Or anyone else's.

Q

[Drpepper]

I think the early saints proved to us that there never really is just one.

[Guest]

Quin, I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope your recovery is going well.

[Misshalfway]

Four score and 20 lbs ago, I was asking the same question. I wanted to make the best decision about who I'd marry. I cared about it more than just about anything else. Of course, I came by that naive determination honestly. My church, my leaders, my parents, my friends, BYU culture, and lots of church videos....all put loads of pressure to marry the "right" person and to get it right the first time!!!

But...you know what? There are just no guarantee's. All of us just do the best we can. Hopefully, we go into such a decision knowing ourselves and being able to discern the situation. Because I think we all know we can't trust the LDS resume. And of course we have prayer and temple and spirit to help. But no one, not even God can stop a person's agency. So...we do the best we can. We listen to our hearts and maybe more importantly, we listen to our guts. And then we leap! What happens next can't be predicted. Unless of course God gives you some prophesy. I got some of that. Cute weird eyebrow boy asked me to marry him. God showed me I'd be divorced with two kids in just a few years. I said no and broke the kids heart. Best decision I ever made. But then again, I married the man Father led me to. And its been the hardest relationship of my life. Sadly, I'm not so naive or trusting anymore. But that doesn't mean I have learned loads and that I'm not completely better for it. I'm grateful in so many ways for my painful life. At the end of the day, it's all about faith. Faith in God. The rest is a crap shoot.

[EarlJibbs]

I take my advice from Disney.

[Lakumi]

I think the early saints proved to us that there never really is just one.

I couldn't handle one person, letalone 2, 3, 4, etc

[Chrissy3818]

My guy is great. Absolutely awesome! Listens, understands me, respectful, amazing relationship with his mother, treats me and everyone else right, ambitious, helps others over himself. Absolutely no red flags and I'd be stupid to give him up. But I want to make a mistake.

I feel comfortable around him, can b talk to him about anything, we lice doing the same things, he balances me out and makes me a better person. He helps me through everything that goes on in my life and has never once judged me for my past. we both accept eachother for who we are. Greatest guy I ever met

[Chrissy3818]

My guy is great. Absolutely awesome! Listens, understands me, respectful, amazing relationship with his mother, treats me and everyone else right, ambitious, helps others over himself. Absolutely no red flags and I'd be stupid to give him up. But I want to make a mistake.

I feel comfortable around him, can b talk to him about anything, we lice doing the same things, he balances me out and makes me a better person. He helps me through everything that goes on in my life and has never once judged me for my past. we both accept eachother for who we are. Greatest guy I ever met

[Lakumi]

So... what's the problem?

[McLainDow]

How do l you know he's the you'r going marry? What if they're pretty close to everything you've ever wanted. (since perfect doesn't exist) how do you know. or better yet. How did you know to marry your spouse. r

I knew my wife was the one for me about two weeks after we started dating. She wasn't so sure. The first time I told her I loved her the response I got form her was "Really?". I won her her over eventually( or wore her down depending on who is telling the story) but, to answer your question. I just knew.

[NeuroTypical]

My guy is great. Absolutely awesome! Listens, understands me, respectful, amazing relationship with his mother, treats me and everyone else right, ambitious, helps others over himself. Absolutely no red flags and I'd be stupid to give him up. But I want to make a mistake.

I feel comfortable around him, can b talk to him about anything, we lice doing the same things, he balances me out and makes me a better person. He helps me through everything that goes on in my life and has never once judged me for my past. we both accept eachother for who we are. Greatest guy I ever met

If you've been dating him for a year, and you're starting to talk about getting married, then hooray.

If you are saying this but haven't gone on the 2nd date yet, well, we're not quite to hooray just yet.

[Vort]

When I started dating Sister Not-Yet-Vort, it was immediately clear to both of us that there was a lot of mutual attraction and enjoyment in each other's company. But I was unsure. After dating a while, I would tell her, "I love you -- but I'm not 'in love with' you. If you're in love with someone, you marry her." It seemed that simple for me (though I now think that was a wee bit naive).

After we dated for many months, she went home for the summer. We had been dating each other pretty much exclusively, so I told her we should date other people over the summer. She took me at my word and dated for the following three months. That summer, I went on dates exactly zero times. I had no desire to date anyone else. At the end of the summer, I looked things over and had to admit that I seemed to be in love with her. When she got back to school, I picked her up at the airport and was so happy I almost cried. So I bought her a ring and asked her at Thanksgiving.

That's how I knew.