Relationship problem

[Rham]

Hi to all, Im only a newbie here but I really need an advice for my problem. I am a single adult already applying for my mission. I have a girlfriend, we treat each other as lovers, as friends, as bestfriends. We dont really go deep serious in our realtionship but we are sure we love each other. My problem is that she is not a member of the church, and she is very active on her own church. She doesnt wanna talk about converting yet because she want to concentrate on her studies. My only concern is, do you think she'll be convince to be converted on due time?

[Lakumi]

Why do you want her to?

[Rham]

Because I feel its the right thing to do

[beefche]

If you are readying yourself for a mission, then my advice is to break off this relationship as a "lover, girlfriend, etc." First, to identify her as your lover implies that you are having physical relations with her.

Second, it isn't your decision if converting is right for her. It's her decision. You cannot expect her to change for you--just as she cannot expect you to change for her.

Finally, no one convinces anyone of converting. Not a friend, spouse or even a missionary. It is the Spirit that converts. So, talking to her, asking her, begging her, trying to convince her will not work if she is not seeking the Spirit on this.

[Bini]

Cut the ties. Devote yourself to the Lord and serve your mission, if that is what you have chosen to do.

[Quin]

1) Never go into a marriage on spec / assuming that (or insisting that) in time they'll change. On ANY subject. Bad policy. As most don't. If you cannot love a person wholly as they are (not as who you want them to be), then do NOT marry them.

2) Will she convert? Maybe. Some do, some don't. I know many mixed religion marriages, and many convert marriages. Each has their own set of problems. Or not. It REALLY depends on the individuals within the marriage. The most common factor in those that do NOT have ongoing problems? Mutual respect of each other's choices. Neither tries to convert the other, and neither converts simply to please the other (or out of fear of losing them).

3) Best of luck on your mission!

Q

[Backroads]

Because I feel its the right thing to do

Why do you feel it's the right thing to do?

[Vort]

Hi to all, Im only a newbie here but I really need an advice for my problem. I am a single adult already applying for my mission. I have a girlfriend, we treat each other as lovers, as friends, as bestfriends. We dont really go deep serious in our realtionship but we are sure we love each other. My problem is that she is not a member of the church, and she is very active on her own church. She doesnt wanna talk about converting yet because she want to concentrate on her studies. My only concern is, do you think she'll be convince to be converted on due time?

No. Never go into a relationship with the expectation that the other person will change this or that aspect of his/her personality or actions. This applies triply when you're talking about something like religion.

In modern English, "lovers" usually means sexual partners. I assume you are using a more traditional definition of "lovers" as "people who love each other". If not, you should realize that sexual activity disqualifies you for missionary service (unless you're married and looking to serve a mission with your spouse).

[Backroads]

. I am a single adult already applying for my mission. I have a girlfriend, we treat each other as lovers, as friends, as bestfriends. We dont really go deep serious in our realtionship but we are sure we love each other.

Put the relationship on hold and focus on that mission.

My problem is that she is not a member of the church, and she is very active on her own church.

It's only a problem if you are serious about marrying her. Which you're not, because you're going on a mission.

And it's awesome she's very active in her own church.

She doesnt wanna talk about converting yet because she want to concentrate on her studies. My only concern is, do you think she'll be convince to be converted on due time?

Let her focus on her studies and focus on your mission.

Now, will she be converting for the sake of family-encompassing religion or to please you or because she's truly personally interested in the gospel?

And what is "due time"?

As others have said, it's not your job to convert her.

[skippy740]

Hi to all, Im only a newbie here but I really need an advice for my problem. I am a single adult already applying for my mission. I have a girlfriend, we treat each other as lovers, as friends, as bestfriends. We dont really go deep serious in our realtionship but we are sure we love each other. My problem is that she is not a member of the church, and she is very active on her own church. She doesnt wanna talk about converting yet because she want to concentrate on her studies. My only concern is, do you think she'll be convince to be converted on due time?

Let's suppose she does decide to convert. Now what?

Do you expect her to wait for you while you give your missionary service? Then, if she converted "for you"... her conversion would be for the wrong reasons and she'll leave the church when she meets someone else.

I would focus on your worthiness and preparation to enter the mission field.

[Rham]

Hi to all, thank you for all your wonderful replies! First of all, when I said Lover, I mean as really LOVING each other and no SEXUAL relationships, She knows my standard on the church and we manage to maintain it. Well I guess the right thing to do is really concentrate first in my mission and take of it first on my mind, is it? I'm glad many have reply and it enlightened my mind. It's just that she is my first love and we have been for about 3 years in a relationship, its just hard for me to let go if I needed to.

Should I really break the tie between us before I go to mission?

I am on the process of waiting for the interview on the mission president on our area

[Vort]

Frankly, there should not be a tie between the two of you when you leave on a mission. In my firm opinion, it is generally a bad idea for a missionary to be affianced. Kiss her goodbye (before you are set apart as a missionary), tell her you love her, and wish her luck in her life as you leave. Let her know that when you return, the two of you can explore whether there is a relationship there to be made. Then go on your mission and keep your mind on your duty. That's my advice.

[M_T_E]

I second the wise words of Vort.

[Rham]

Yes, that was my plan all along but I still really need some advice if it is the right thing to do, thank you Iron man! Now I have a firm plan on this. Thank you for your advice.

[Bini]

Yes, that was my plan all along but I still really need some advice if it is the right thing to do, thank you Iron man! Now I have a firm plan on this. Thank you for your advice.

I remember way back when, when I posted that 'Which Avenger Are You?' and Vort got mad because I called him out as being "Iron Man". It totally suits him though, I really can't see him as any other Avenger. And I much prefer that avatar picture to the Icelandic chick..

[beefche]

I remember way back when, when I posted that 'Which Avenger Are You?' and Vort got mad because I called him out as being "Iron Man". It totally suits him though, I really can't see him as any other Avenger. And I much prefer that avatar picture to the Icelandic chick..

Darn it, Bini. You have just cursed us. As soon as the forum gets the whole pic thing fixed, Vort is gonna go back to ambiguous Icelandic chick/man thing pic....

[Guest]

HEY KABABAYAN! Kumusta?

You got great advice from people here. I just want to remind you of a common Filipino quote: “Ang sarap magmahal ng taong kahit hindi mo kaharap, ikaw pa din ang hinahanap.”

You have to be 100% focused on your mission. You will not have time to pay a girlfriend any attention. Time is not going to stay still for 2 years. You are going to change, she is going to change. Change is great if you are together because you see the change, you can influence the change, or you can adapt to the change so it's not that you wake up one day and you see a totally different person. Because, you grow and change together. This is different for a 2 year mission. When you get back, it may well be like 2 strangers meeting and having to figure out if you still like each other.

But, like the quote says, even if you're apart, if you love each other, you'll look for each other after the mission then it might well be that you're going to live happily ever after. But for those 2 years, you need to be focused on God's work.

About her being non-LDS... if getting married in the temple is a non-negotiable thing for you, then don't date non-LDS girls. But, if you're okay with a mixed-faith family, then date girls who have the same basic moral foundation as you. For any marriage, high respect is necessary. Look for this quality. Anything is possible... an LDS spouse can lose her testimony a few years into your marriage. A non-LDS spouse can find a strong testimony a few years into your marriage. But, it is a very bad idea to go into a relationship hoping to change the other person.

Hope this helps. Where in the Philippines are you? I'm from the Bisaya-speaking region...

[Vort]

Darn it, Bini. You have just cursed us. As soon as the forum gets the whole pic thing fixed, Vort is gonna go back to ambiguous Icelandic chick/man thing pic....

Just biding my time...

[pam]

I pray it never gets fixed. :)

[prisonchaplain]

Rham, I'm curious about this friend of yours...what kind of church does she go to? Is she Catholic, "born again," something else? Iglesia ni Cristo? I ask because you imply that she may be open to converting. Yet her answer seems like a non-answer--I'm too busy studying to think about it. Faith is eternal. It changes everything in life. Look at you--you're going to be gone for 2 years! Is she really saying her studies are more important? Perhaps she simply loves you and does not want to face the reality that your religions are perhaps not reconcilable. Many Christian denominations and sects are not at all flexible about members marrying into other faiths (mine included--non-LDS here).

In a way, she's right though. If she's studying, and you're going on a mission, now is probably not the time to address. There's nothing wrong with continuing your friendship, but I'd avoid making promises and commitments about what it will look like when you return...2 years is an eternity to late-teen early 20s folks.

[Backroads]

I pray it never gets fixed. :)

Now I'm wondering if you "accidentally" broke something all that time ago...

[Vort]

Frankly, there should not be a tie between the two of you when you leave on a mission. In my firm opinion, it is generally a bad idea for a missionary to be affianced. Kiss her goodbye (before you are set apart as a missionary), tell her you love her, and wish her luck in her life as you leave. Let her know that when you return, the two of you can explore whether there is a relationship there to be made. Then go on your mission and keep your mind on your duty. That's my advice.

For some reason, I feel like I should add a bit of a disclaimer to my strongly worded statement above. I do indeed believe this to be true as a general rule, but I acknowledge that there can be occasional exceptions.

For example, while we were at BYU, a former missionary companion and very close friend of mine got engaged to a girl who turned 21 and decided she needed to serve a mission. She did so over his objections, but he supported her decision. They remained engaged, and he did not date anyone for the next 18 months. (Neither did she, amazingly enough.) Today he's still happily married to this sweet woman, working as a rocket scientist somewhere in Utah. They have a bazillion kids, the oldest of whom are home from missions and probably getting married and making grandchildren for my friend. So it can work out, but I believe theirs is an atypical case.

[Rham]

HEY KABABAYAN! Kumusta?

You got great advice from people here. I just want to remind you of a common Filipino quote: “Ang sarap magmahal ng taong kahit hindi mo kaharap, ikaw pa din ang hinahanap.”

You have to be 100% focused on your mission. You will not have time to pay a girlfriend any attention. Time is not going to stay still for 2 years. You are going to change, she is going to change. Change is great if you are together because you see the change, you can influence the change, or you can adapt to the change so it's not that you wake up one day and you see a totally different person. Because, you grow and change together. This is different for a 2 year mission. When you get back, it may well be like 2 strangers meeting and having to figure out if you still like each other.

But, like the quote says, even if you're apart, if you love each other, you'll look for each other after the mission then it might well be that you're going to live happily ever after. But for those 2 years, you need to be focused on God's work.

About her being non-LDS... if getting married in the temple is a non-negotiable thing for you, then don't date non-LDS girls. But, if you're okay with a mixed-faith family, then date girls who have the same basic moral foundation as you. For any marriage, high respect is necessary. Look for this quality. Anything is possible... an LDS spouse can lose her testimony a few years into your marriage. A non-LDS spouse can find a strong testimony a few years into your marriage. But, it is a very bad idea to go into a relationship hoping to change the other person.

Hope this helps. Where in the Philippines are you? I'm from the Bisaya-speaking region...

Hey, you're a filipino?, yes Im from baguio mission means its in region 1:), I just saw all the comments and Im really amazed there are lot of really inspiring advices I can use. Im really happy you help me with this. I know I need to focus on my mission first :), I just hope the mission president interview me soon and the call will arrive fast.

[Rham]

@prisonchaplain.

She is a roman catholic.

Why? Im sorry I reply late because Im always working with the missionaries on my area.

@mr. Vort.

Its okay :), we have talked about it that after 2 years, we'll talk about it again. My focus now is on my mission and I know that I'll be bless no matter what happens if I really become a faithful missionary.

[Guest]

Hey, you're a filipino?, yes Im from baguio mission means its in region 1:), I just saw all the comments and Im really amazed there are lot of really inspiring advices I can use. Im really happy you help me with this. I know I need to focus on my mission first :), I just hope the mission president interview me soon and the call will arrive fast.

Yep! Filipino citizen currently residing in the US. There's another member her named Bini who is also Filipino but she grew up in Europe and now residing in the US.

I married my husband when I was Roman Catholic. My husband had no expectations that I would convert. But, he knows that my relationship with God is very important to me. He attended Mass with me even if I refused to attend Sacrament Meeting with him (dunno if you have exposure to Catholicism in the Philippines. They are discouraged from attending non-Catholic services). Anyway, I thought he was going to be baptized Catholic because he was active Catholic and even helped in Catholic activities but he told me that he has an unshakeable testimony of the restored gospel. I asked him if he believes I'm going to hell and he said he has a greater chance of going to hell than me! So, I got curious and started reading and learning about LDS beliefs and 3 years later I asked to be baptized.

A mixed faith marriage can work out. But, it is always a bad idea going into the marriage expecting the other to change religions. And you have to already have a plan on how to raise the children before you get married.

Hope this helps.