Keeping secrets

[Wingnut]

I'll admit it. I keep confidences from my spouse. I don't feel bad about it either. If a friend tells me something that's weighing on their mind, I assume that they need to talk. Such talks are very often more for their benefit than mine. So I let them talk. If they don't want what they say to go beyond me, I'm happy to grant that request.

That makes sense. And I don't share everything my friends tell me with my husband -- like Jenamarie said, why does he need to know? I guess I'm just uncomfortable being specifically asked not to share with him.

[beefche]

Not keeping secrets from my spouse is different than regurgitating everything I see and hear to her at all times. If it comes up or I just feel like sharing it, I do so. If it doesn't come up, it doesn't come up. But that's not keeping a secret.

That's how I do it. It's not like I share every single thing to my husband. But, if in the course of our discussions it comes up, or I want to share, or I need his help with something, I'm not keeping it from him.

In the case that Wingy brought up, her friend specifically asked her not to share it with Wingy's husband. I'm not sure I could make that an abolute thing because if I truly think that my husband needs to know, then I would share it with him. It's most likely that he doesn't need to know and doesn't WANT to know. But, it sounds like Wingy got the information first and then was asked to not share it. Again, unless Wingy's husband needs to know, I probably wouldn't share it with him.

[Bini]

Do you keep secrets from your spouse? Or rather, do you keep other people's secrets from your spouse? If a friend tells you something in confidence and asks you not to tell your spouse, which relationship do you honor (assuming it's something your spouse might want to know)? Do you ever share things with friends and expect them to keep information from their spouse?

I tell my husband everything and can say with a clear conscience that I don't keep any secrets from him. People that know us on a personal level know that DH and I have wide open communication about anything and everything. If you don't want something shared, keep it to yourself, because I talk to my husband about everything - big or small - significant or insignificant. He is the same way with me.

[Maureen]

I wrote a letter to my friend and asked her not to share it with her husband. I mentioned to her that I thought he was a nice guy but I just did not trust his discretion when it came to a personal letter. He could sometimes be tactless on Facebook.

M.

[Leah]

I guess I'll be the minority opinion. Why would I even need to share my friend's secrets with my husband? Assuming it's nothing that involves him or our family, why would he need to know? He has every right to know MY secrets, but why should he (or I) expect to know other's secrets, just because they're the spouse of a friend?

I have been in the situation (more than once) of a woman seeking my counsel because she needed to talk to someone who had also been through a sexual assault. No way am I going to share that with my husband. Same with anyone who talks to me about some of the more private issues with MS. Does my husband really need to know that so-and-so is having issues with incontinence? What purpose does that serve?

If his friend confided in my husband that he was having impotency issues, no way is that my business.

You can a good and true marriage without knowing every bit of information rattling around in your spouse's head.

[mirkwood]

Anything I am told is open to being shared with my wife. That doesn't mean I run off and tell her everything anyone tells me, but if it comes up, it comes up. There is no need for me to hide things from my wife. If something is revealed, it stays private between us and is not shared with other. Gifts, surprises, etc. don't count. The exception for me is work related information. Some things are not shared. Some due to legal issues, some just because of what I see and experience. She just doesn't need to know some things.

[Suzie]

It all depends on the type of information. If I cannot keep the secret, I tell them that I am very sorry and that I am not able to do so, other than that I am very good at keeping secrets.

[classylady]

I tell my husband most everything. And he does the same with me. There are some things that are so mundane that they don't need sharing. I do know of one confidence about a family member that my husband did not share with me because he knew I would not have handled it well. I actually appreciate him keeping that information to himself. Neither of us have jobs or callings that requires keeping things in confidence. That being said, it doesn't mean I can't keep a secret. I could if it was called for. We just haven't had many things occur in our 30+ years of marriage that required it being kept secret. That included the information that a young scout told my husband about sexual abuse coming from a National Scout Leader. After the information was told him, my husband came to me for advice in what to do.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I had a relative ask me not to tell anyone about her struggle with self-harm and I didn't tell my husband. I told him about 4 years later when she decided to let the whole family know.

In general, no, never, other than the obvious (calling-related personal info and such). But on occasion, it seems prudent.

This is how I feel. I don't make a habit of keeping things from my husband, but at the same time, he has no need to know if a friend of mine is struggling with something personal. I don't think he would even WANT to know all of my friends issues.

On the other hand, when I tell friends things, I always imagine that they will share with their husbands, and decide how much I will tell them based on that. Better safe than disappointed. But I'm pretty open about most things because I believe that through such sharing we can help one another. So far I have never regretted this policy. :)

[pam]

I kind of see it from a different perspective.

All of us have times that we really need to talk to someone and would prefer the information not be passed on.

Some of us don't have spouses to talk to, sometimes talking to a family member is not an option. In my extended family, anything mentioned you can be assured that everyone will know within an hour.

So it's nice to have a trusted friend to be able to talk to. However, I would be a bit uncomfortable if I knew that anything I shared could and most likely would be shared with their spouse.

At that point it leaves me feeling that there is just no one that I could really talk to.

[slamjet]

I can tell you this: in the ARP program (or any other 12 step program) we are told to not share our step-4 with our wifes or significant other. There are some things that should not be shared because it will be a burden to the person we share it with. I guarantee you one thing, no one on earth knows everything about me. It would be too much.