Keeping secrets

[Wingnut]

Do you keep secrets from your spouse? Or rather, do you keep other people's secrets from your spouse? If a friend tells you something in confidence and asks you not to tell your spouse, which relationship do you honor (assuming it's something your spouse might want to know)? Do you ever share things with friends and expect them to keep information from their spouse?

[skippy740]

Don't Bishops (and other clergy) do that as a part of their calling?

[Jennarator]

I tell my husband everything. He knows when not to tell others. But I don't hide that my husband will know when people confide in me.

[Wingnut]

True.

My question isn't accounting for clergy, doctors, lawyers, or another profession/position that involves confidentiality with clientele/parishioners. My question is more specifically just about things between friends.

[Dravin]

If it actually came down to honoring my wife or honoring a friend or what have you my wife wins every time. I think in most cases confidence keeping doesn't require one to honor one over the other. I suppose though if someone is trying to get me to confirm I won't share said confidence with my wife then one of two things is happening:

1) They think I'll feel obligated to tell my wife because it concerns her (or as a general principle).

2) They think my standard operating procedure is to share confidences with my wife.

In either case they probably shouldn't be sharing that particular tidbit with me. Either I share everything with my wife as a matter of course (either in general or because it concerns her) and probably shouldn't be the repository of private information they don't want reaching my wife, or they are asking me to place my obligation to them higher than my obligation to my wife (as mentioned above, my wife wins).

Edited February 24, 2014 by Dravin

[Guest]

I tell everybody that if they don't want my spouse to know, they shouldn't tell me.

At the same time, the confidentiality requirements that accompany the information constrains my husband in the exact same manner it constrains me. Therefore, if you tell me something you don't want others to know, you can rest assured my husband will keep the confidence.

I also hold, as much as legally possible, that clergy, doctors, lawyers, bankers, bishops, etc. give my husband access to all information they give me.

Basically - my husband and I is one Unit. I hold that our temple vows need to bind us in the same manner that the Godhead binds the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Yes, we're mortals, so it's very far from perfect. But, that doesn't mean I can't strive towards it.

Edited February 24, 2014 by anatess

[NeuroTypical]

Do you keep secrets from your spouse? Or rather, do you keep other people's secrets from your spouse?

Nope, never. Well, the sole exception is what the kids and I are getting her for birthday/Christmas/etc. We call those "I don't tell you's", and we're as open as humanly possible about them.

This is a big thing in our house, with carefully discussed and agreed-to rules. When one spouse has a history of abuse at the hands of a family member, transparency and a total lack of secret keeping is one of the critical things.

If a friend tells you something in confidence and asks you not to tell your spouse, which relationship do you honor (assuming it's something your spouse might want to know)?

The spouse. Always. I've stopped conversations to say "Oh - before you go any further, just know that I keep nothing from my wife. Whatever you say to me, just think of it as saying it to her too." The consequence of living like this, is people rarely talk to me about my wife. What a cool consequence - I heartily recommend it to everyone.

Do you ever share things with friends and expect them to keep information from their spouse?

Whenever a word leaves my body, whether through voice or typing or what have you, I don't have any misplaced senses of ownership on that word. It's going to go wherever it goes, and be heard/read by whoever ends up receiving it, and it's out of my hands. It seems like any other approach is doomed to give me grief, and I have enough sources of grief without tracking where information goes once it leaves me, and getting hurt if it ends up somewhere I didn't want it to go. What a waste of time.

[Sali]

Of course with my work as a Counselor, I never divulge client information with my husband. Regarding the confidentiality of other people, I do not always share with my husband as I respect the other person's need to have their stuff kept confidential, although in certain circumstances I may ask if I can share with my husband. I never take the default route of someone assuming my husband will be told. My husband knows this about me and respects it. Now if it affects us directly as a couple or may undermine either one of us, yes I will share.

Edited to say my husband knows I am not keeping secrets from him. He just knows someone may have told me something because they are having a hard time and needed a safe place to go. If I am telling someone else, I am not providing that safety for them. I don't think I would like whatever I share with my friends to go directly to their husbands.

Edited February 24, 2014 by Sali

[Backroads]

I'm sure I've kept other people's secrets from my spouse, but nothing comes to mind. Usually, he gets to know as well and it seems to the be same for him.

I find that both of us knowing someone's deep dark secret assists our behavior around said person. No stupid comments, you know.

[beefche]

True.

My question isn't accounting for clergy, doctors, lawyers, or another profession/position that involves confidentiality with clientele/parishioners. My question is more specifically just about things between friends.

I've actually never had a friend tell me not to tell my spouse (specifically). But, if they did, I wouldn't promise something like that without knowing what it is about. And I honestly cannot imagine anything that would prevent me from telling my spouse.

While I don't tell my husband every little tidbit about my friends, I do share alot with him. And I expect that my married friends will tell their spouses whatever I'm sharing with them (even if it is something confidential). I would never ask them to keep a secret from their spouse.

I would like to hear of a situation which one WOULD keep from their spouse (other than a surprise, gift, or in the case of clergy/professional requirements).

[Guest]

I would like to hear of a situation which one WOULD keep from their spouse (other than a surprise, gift, or in the case of clergy/professional requirements).

I can think of a few...

Say, your best friend has been a witch to you after you got married and finally, she confesses to you that she's just been very jealous because she is head over heels in love with your husband and now she wants your forgiveness so she had to tell you but she asks you to keep it from your husband because she is extremely embarassed...

Reasonable request.

[Just_A_Guy]

Until I met Just_A_Girl, I just assumed that of course you keep a confidence, even from your spouse (unless it's something that could harm the spouse, of course). But her opinion is more in line with the consensus here--you tell me, you may as well be telling my spouse too. So that was the dynamic our marriage had until I sat for the bar.

At this point, I err on the side of secrecy--whenever a friend/neighbor/ward member/family member relates a confidence to me, I just assume that they're discussing it with me in my capacity as a lawyer and not as an acquaintance. Just_A_Girl isn't thrilled about it; but she understands.

[beefche]

I can think of a few...

Say, your best friend has been a witch to you after you got married and finally, she confesses to you that she's just been very jealous because she is head over heels in love with your husband and now she wants your forgiveness so she had to tell you but she asks you to keep it from your husband because she is extremely embarassed...

Reasonable request.

Nope, not gonna happen with me and my husband. That is something that I would definitely tell him. I say that because I would what him to be congnizant of how he acts with her and how she acts with him. In a situation like that, he needs to tone down any teasing or other actions that could contribute to her crush. Further, he needs to be aware that her teasing could easily be flirting and he would need to take precautions.

While I understand her embarrassment, that is a situation that I would tell my husband.

And just so you know, that actually happened to me. I was the one "in love" with a friend's husband. I never told her or him and I worked on my own thoughts and behaviors so that I never came even close to a line. There was no reason for them to know and I was able to eventually, eliminate the inappropriate feelings and keep our relationship on the right track.

[MorningStar]

I had a relative ask me not to tell anyone about her struggle with self-harm and I didn't tell my husband. I told him about 4 years later when she decided to let the whole family know.

[Vort]

In general, no, never, other than the obvious (calling-related personal info and such). But on occasion, it seems prudent.

My mother-in-law once told me some very personal information about my father-in-law's physical condition in childhood. It seemed like the kind of thing a daughter should not be hearing about her father, so I did not tell my wife until years after his death. Turns out it was no big deal for her, but it might have been unpleasant for a daughter to hear such intimate details about her dad.

Similarly, as I enter middle age I have discovered some unhappy things about my own family's history, spousal relationships, etc. that might negatively affect my wife's perceptions of my family members and that I see no particular reason to share with her.

I think such unusual situations exist.

[Wingnut]

I have a friend that confided something in me yesterday, and after unloading it all (via email), asked me not to share it with anyone, including my husband. It's something that will come to light sometime in the next few weeks anyway, so that's not too big of a deal.

But it brought up the question for me. I have a few close girlfriends with whom I have...ahem...girly talks from time to time, and it's understood that such conversations stay between the girls. But I fully expect that when I tell a friend something, she might tell her husband. And if I don't want her husband knowing, I won't tell her. Not because I think she's going to "blab" to him, but because I don't feel it's fair to ask her to keep something from him.

In the case of what my friend told me yesterday, I'm actually torn in another area. I feel like it's something I should pass along to the bishop, not as a worthiness or moral/commandment issue, but as a temporal welfare one. My calling is a made-up "ward fellowship specialist." My bishop created it because he wanted me doing it. Basically, I'm a glorified Sacrament meeting greeter and grapevine specialist. He wants me to share with him when I notice (or don't) noteworthy attendance in Sacrament meeting...less actives, etc...and to keep him apprised of people and families in the ward that I feel have special circumstances that the bishopric might need to be aware of, within the realm of caring for the flock. I feel that my friend's situation falls into this category, and I feel that the bishop ought to know, but like I said, it's something that will come to light in a few weeks anyway.

[Guest]

Nope, not gonna happen with me and my husband. That is something that I would definitely tell him. I say that because I would what him to be congnizant of how he acts with her and how she acts with him. In a situation like that, he needs to tone down any teasing or other actions that could contribute to her crush. Further, he needs to be aware that her teasing could easily be flirting and he would need to take precautions.

While I understand her embarrassment, that is a situation that I would tell my husband.

And just so you know, that actually happened to me. I was the one "in love" with a friend's husband. I never told her or him and I worked on my own thoughts and behaviors so that I never came even close to a line. There was no reason for them to know and I was able to eventually, eliminate the inappropriate feelings and keep our relationship on the right track.

This would be something I would say - Stop. Before you say anything, know that I don't keep secrets from my husband, if you're ok with that, keep going, if not, don't tell me.

I wouldn't just keep on listening when she makes the request and I know I won't keep that confidence. Controlling her behavior and tolerating my husband's behavior is completely up to her at this point.

[MarginOfError]

I'll admit it. I keep confidences from my spouse. I don't feel bad about it either. If a friend tells me something that's weighing on their mind, I assume that they need to talk. Such talks are very often more for their benefit than mine. So I let them talk. If they don't want what they say to go beyond me, I'm happy to grant that request.

But I'll admit, when people talk to me about such things, I tend not to remember them anyway. While they are important to the person at the time, they usually aren't that important to me later, so there's no need to bring them up.

At the same time, if I feel there is a need to share the information--either with my spouse or with anyone else--I will do so without apology. For instance, if I am told by a friend that they are in desperate financial problems and won't be able to feed their family this month, I'm not keeping that a secret. I'm taking it to the Bishop (but not my spouse). If it's something I think my spouse can help with, then I'll tell my spouse.

But if a friend tells me their daughter just got accepted into Columbia but asks me not to tell anyone until their daughter makes the announcement, I'm not telling my spouse.

[skippy740]

The only secrets I cannot and will not keep are when a child is in danger. Otherwise, someone is usually telling me something to "vent" out their frustrations about their situation, etc.

If someone was telling me about something in appropriate going on, I would give counsel at that time... but it's not my business to share.

Okay, slight correction. I have told my bishop things on occasion. For example, we have a brother that I home-teach, and the Bishop wants him to have the Melchizedek Priesthood. I told my Bishop that I'm on good terms with him, but he's still smoking. I did it to inform, not to "tattle" on him. I told him that I'll work on it with him and see what we can do. But that was more of a "Return and Report" situation rather than my seeking out the Bishop to inform him. I'm also pretty sure I told my EQ President too, when he asked me about that brother.

I will not be a party to "gossip"... even to a spouse (that I don't have anymore).

It's not their business.

[Jenamarie]

I guess I'll be the minority opinion. Why would I even need to share my friend's secrets with my husband? Assuming it's nothing that involves him or our family, why would he need to know? He has every right to know MY secrets, but why should he (or I) expect to know other's secrets, just because they're the spouse of a friend?

[Jenamarie]

Ha! That's what I get for posting from my phone. By the time I wrote my post my opinion wasn't in the minority anymore (as much).

[NeuroTypical]

Similarly, as I enter middle age I have discovered some unhappy things about my own family's history, spousal relationships, etc. that might negatively affect my wife's perceptions of my family members and that I see no particular reason to share with her.

There's a difference between keeping secrets, and spreading gossip. I'm not wise enough to know exactly where gossip starts and ends, but it is true that I don't bow to pressure to tell everything I know, just based on the fact that I've learned it.

[Guest]

I guess I'll be the minority opinion. Why would I even need to share my friend's secrets with my husband? Assuming it's nothing that involves him or our family, why would he need to know? He has every right to know MY secrets, but why should he (or I) expect to know other's secrets, just because they're the spouse of a friend?

It's the nature of the marriage covenant - Becoming One.

It is not about need to know, or gossipping, etc. It's the basic quality of a marriage. A marital union strives to be of one mind, one will, one hope... the precursor to Godhood. Putting unnecessary barriers to that is defeating the purpose.

So, the question is not why one shares with the spouse. The question is why not. So, the sharing is the norm, not sharing is the exception - like in JAG's situation being a lawyer...

[pam]

So I'm keeping a list here of all those people on this forum that I will never tell a confidence to. :)

[jerome1232]

I'm wondering if I'm the only one that is seeing this through mud.

Not keeping secrets from my spouse is different than regurgitating everything I see and hear to her at all times. If it comes up or I just feel like sharing it, I do so. If it doesn't come up, it doesn't come up. But that's not keeping a secret.

I actually assumed before reading this thread that anything I tell anyone, is subject to maybe be retold to their spouse or best friend, and possibly facebooked to the world to boot.