Two weeks until Divorce

[AussieMatt]

I'm not married (I wish I was), but I have always been told and heard that love actually takes a lot of work. It doesn't just happen. People can actually learn to love just about anyone (as long as there is no abuse involved) if they work at it.

 

Have you both worked for the love? Have you both worked to make the marriage actually work?

[unixknight]

You may have heard it before but I've never believed it or experienced it myself. Most people I know with happy marriages don't really work at it.  They don't need to. 

 

I'm gonna agree.

 

Not to say that no work needs to happen.  We have to work on ourselves so we don't become complacent and (more) difficult to live with... but my marriage never feels like work.  

[mdfxdb]

You may have heard it before but I've never believed it or experienced it myself. Most people I know with happy marriages don't really work at it.  They don't need to. 

Wow.  

 

This is a real whopper.

 

Most people with happy marriages realize it took a lot of work to "arrive", and it takes continued work to stay happy.  I think it's very naive, and immature to just presume you can be happily married, and not have to work at it.  Don't think that those people you know haven't had knock down drag out fights, at one time or another, or haven't resented their partner or something their partner did at one time or another.  The perception of the white knight, and the fairy tale prince charming is what is poisoning people into thinking they don't have to work at love.

[Vort]

On the one hand, I agree that a good marriage takes real, sustained effort, like any other meaningful relationship.

 

On the other hand, I remember as a young engaged man at BYU commenting to a middle-aged acquaintance that "I know marriage is hard" or something like that. I was struck by his reply, which was along the lines of, "Marriage isn't hard. It's the most natural thing in the world. I love being married." That statement changed my entire outlook on marriage. I have been through some very hard stretches in my marriage, and I am sure I have many more to pass through, but the truth of that man's words ring ever more clear to me as I go along in life.

[mdfxdb]

On the one hand, I agree that a good marriage takes real, sustained effort, like any other meaningful relationship.

 

On the other hand, I remember as a young engaged man at BYU commenting to a middle-aged acquaintance that "I know marriage is hard" or something like that. I was struck by his reply, which was along the lines of, "Marriage isn't hard. It's the most natural thing in the world. I love being married." That statement changed my entire outlook on marriage. I have been through some very hard stretches in my marriage, and I am sure I have many more to pass through, but the truth of that man's words ring ever more clear to me as I go along in life.

On the whole his comment was completely true.  The good times, and love that is shared by a husband and wife should always outweigh the hard times.  

[Bini]

Relationships do take work, but the effort is not the same for everyone. I do believe there are happy marriages where good communication and patience comes naturally and with little effort, though, I believe it's not the norm and that's okay.

[avatar4321]

Talk to the Lord and figure out a plan. He can soften both of your hearts however its needed

[its_Chet]

The speaker-listener tool:

 

One of you hold an object.  What it is isn't very important.  It should be something small you can hold in your hand.  The person holding the object can speak for approximately 30 seconds.  Keep it short and stay on one topic.  No filibustering or ranting, just communicate one simple point, clearly.  After 30 seconds, the other person must accurately summarize what was said before they can respond or make their own statement.  After their 30 seconds, the first person must accurately summarize what was said by the second person before they can say what they want to say.  You may want to adjust the length of the speaking turns if 30 seconds is too long.

 

The summaries must be accurate.  If they are not, the person being summarized is to offer correction as needed.  Once the summary is accurate and complete, the next person gets their turn.

 

Keep it to one point at a time and be concise.  Continue on a given point as needed.  Don't lump a lot of separate points together, but instead use individual turns speaking to address individual points.

 

In my personal experience, this can make communication much more effective.  It can limit or erase tension, but even more, it can provide for clear communication.  So many disagreements and so much heartache can be avoided when there are no misunderstandings.

 

But beyond that, there has to be goodness in two peoples' hearts to begin with.  For a relationship to work, the couple must both be committed to it.  Both must be unwilling to end the relationship.  For a couple to remain together, they must choose to do so every day.  If one person is too selfish to refrain from killing the relationship, there is simply no hope for it.  It takes two people to give a relationship life, but only one to kill it.

 

"Bottom line... is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else but the big difference is they don't let it take 'em down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it's right, and they're real lucky. One of them will say something.”  -- Dr. Cox

[Guest MormonGator]

You've been deceived, my man.

 

 

   Not really. Most of my long term married friends (including myself) don't "work" at the marriages. They simply live. Isn't it interesting how so many happy marriages have different philosophies on what it takes to be happy? 

 

Granted my wife and I separated for awhile but even when we got back together we didn't "work" at our marriage. 

 

In fact, I think the term work has a negative aspect to it. We work hard at our jobs 50+ hours a week-why come home and have to work more at something that should provide joy? 

Edited May 20, 2015 by MormonGator

[Bini]

^

 

My best friend is the easiest going person I know. By that I mean she accepts reality for what it is, and yet, continues to give and give and give. She is a giver by nature and finds joy in giving, even when others keep taking. I've known her since I was thirteen and I've seen her upset only a handful of times. She married a man that is aggressive, he speaks aggressively, his body language is intimidating, though all in all a good guy. That said, he is a taker. He is perfectly fine with my bestie taking on all the house chores, bills, and trying to juggle school, without him lifting a finger. My bestie is not bothered by taking on these responsibilities (so she says). She is eager to please and never has anything poorly to say about her husband. This might seem like a crazy dysfunctional marriage but they both say they're happy, even if responsibilities aren't balanced. I see their relationship as one spouse constantly giving and the other spouse constantly taking, and yet, they stay married and seem to be fond of each other. So personality and one's tolerance plays a part, too. I guess my point being, they don't particularly "work" at marriage, one is just happy to keep giving and one is just happy to keep taking, and they've been married for about 10 years now.

[Guest MormonGator]

^

 

My best friend is the easiest going person I know.

 

 I am a high maintenance diva so I honestly have no idea how I've kept a marriage going. My wife and I certainly don't work at it, that's for sure.  

Edited May 21, 2015 by MormonGator

[Guest MormonGator]

Wow.  

 

This is a real whopper.

 

 

 

 Wrong. It's a disagreement. Huge, huge difference between that and a "whopper" which implies willing deceit. No.  

 

I stand by everything I said 100%. My wife and I just hung out with some of our best friends (also a married couple for over 15 years ) and they said they don't "work" at their marriage either. They simply live. 

 

I do not buy into the cliche that marriage takes "work". No apologies. I'm going to dare to stand alone on this one. 

Edited May 27, 2015 by MormonGator

[Latter-Day Marriage]

What is 'work'?  There are things I do to make sure our marriage stays good.  I look for opportunities to serve my wife, I compliment her and express my love to her, including the odd love letter.  I go the extra mile on Valentines, our wedding anniversary, and the anniversary of the day we met to make them special.  I take her out on date nights, I court her, flirt with her, let her see my passion for her and do what I can to make her life happy and comfortable, but I don't count it as 'work', these are things I want to do, love to do, it is in my nature to do them, not some calculated plan to manipulate her emotions.  To me it doesn't feel at all like work.

 

On rare occasions one of us may do or say something that unintentionally causes the other hurt, and at those times we have to have a discussion that sometimes be a hard discussion to get through. But it would be harder to not have the discussion at all and just let hurt fester.  That's about as close to 'work' as it gets for me.

Edited May 28, 2015 by Latter-Day Marriage

[neoc8]

To be honest I didn't reach out so that I could be told how amazing other peoples marriage are and to be told that I shouldn't have to work at it. As if it's not worth working on. Marriages are all different and if I have to work at mine, I will. That was the point I was trying to get across with my last post. Maybe someday (I hope some day) I will have to work less... But I sure don't feel like it's wrong to work at it now.

If anyone has anymore ideas on how I can build a better relationship with my husband I would love to hear them, I'm not adverse to trying almost anything. Also, if someone would like to start a topic on " should marriages require work " by all means please do.

I was just looking for advice with my specific problem Thank you to those that have given me helpful advice and were encouraging.

[unixknight]

 Wrong. It's a disagreement. Huge, huge difference between that and a "whopper" which implies willing deceit. No.  

 

I stand by everything I said 100%. My wife and I just hung out with some of our best friends (also a married couple for over 15 years ) and they said they don't "work" at their marriage either. They simply live. 

 

I do not buy into the cliche that marriage takes "work". No apologies. I'm going to dare to stand alone on this one. 

 

You're not alone, my brother.  I got your back  :)

[Guest MormonGator]

You're not alone, my brother.  I got your back  :)

 Thanks man. 

[Bootcamper]

I'm only hearing one side of the story but it sounds like from your side that both of you are not getting your needs and wants met in the relationship and not showing love to the other the way they want to receive it. This is called love language. Please let me know if I'm totally off base.