Is it reasonable for my husband to ask me not to do this? Is it reasonable for me to do it anyway?

[ldsister]

TLDR: Our needs are met, but I'd like to sell plasma to buy a few wants (e.g. Little League, a trip to the museum, an anniversary getaway, etc.) Husband says no. I say why not? 

We are very financially responsible and do all the financial things the church recommends. SAHM, have decent-sized family, pay our tithing, have life insurance, debt-free, save for the future, etc. We do this by sacrificing and going without (vacations, music lessons, karate lessons, extracurriculars, sports, day camps, ideal-but-not-necessary medical care, cable, etc). Recently, we felt strongly inspired to take a job transfer and move even though the transfer did not come with a pay raise. We did, and were stunned to realize that even though we're in the same general part of the same state, the cost of living here is MUCH higher. Our financial situation is even more strained than before, and I think it's time for me to start selling plasma. My husband objects because he feels that a) it will make me even more exhausted and drained than I already am and b) at his age, if his wife is needing to sell plasma, he's a total failure as a human being. 

I understand his perspective. He may be right that I will feel more exhausted, but I don't care. I already feel drained and used-up all the time, and feeling a little more that way seems inconsequential. As for B, having an unusually demanding financial situation (tithing and the cost of living here) doesn't make him a failure as a human being. If we lived in a less expensive area and/or didn't pay tithing, he'd be able to support his family just fine. The fact that we do those things doesn't make him a loser. It makes him a person who is in an unfortunate situation. 

The most obvious answer is for one of us to pick up a second job, but between the extreme job scarcity around here (it's well-known to be one of our community's biggest problems) and his totally non-flexible hours (7 to 7 some days, plus every other Saturday), I don't think anyone would hire him. Between my calling, his work schedule, and the kids, I don't have the hours available to work a job. He says if anyone's going to sell plasma, it should be him, which is laughably ridiculous because he faints when his blood is drawn just for a health checkup. 

I do, however, have three hours a week to sell plasma. I am SO SICK of being broke, and there's always some emergency. Kid's appendix bursts, deer smashes into the car, some part on the car goes out, phone slams into the sidewalk while teaching Webelos, other kid turns out to have congenital orthodontia condition requiring 30K to replace missing teeth, etc. We're not going into debt, but we're also not able to afford to even take the family to the corn maze or the museum, either. I'm so sick of being skint all the time. I feel like there's money just sitting in my veins. Why not tap it? Would it really be so wrong for me to say, "I know you've asked me repeatedly not to do this, but it's my body and it's legal and moral and I. Want. Money. I'm doing it." 

He's working on leveraging this transfer into a raise and a promotion, and I believe he will, but in the meantime, what do you think of me just going out and selling plasma anyway? Marital disaster waiting to happen? And if so, how do I convince him to change his (very strongly held) opinion? Or do I just say "to the blazes with it," and do it regardless of the consequences?

 

Edited September 20, 2016 by ldsister

[Guest]

Selling plasma?  Ick.  The thought of it makes me cringe!  If you have your heart set on it, ok, but surely there is a better way, like running an in home babysitting business which would let you stay home and bring in $200 a week or more?

[ldsister]

I have enough energy to sit still and let someone stick a needle in my vein. I do NOT have enough energy to run a babysitting business. (And since I'm a stickler for licensing and taxes, it would probably cost more than I'd make anyway.)

[NeedleinA]

28 minutes ago, ldsister said:

 Or do I just say "to the blazes with it," and do it regardless of the consequences?

I would suggest that you don't sell plasma. I would definitely suggest that you don't do it "regardless" of the consequences. It is not worth the divide it could cause in a marriage, period. I would suggest using the Bishop's Storehouse (are you around one?) for your groceries and using the grocery savings to help fund your other emergencies instead. You can in turn donate your 3 hours to serving in the Storehouse.
 

Edited September 20, 2016 by NeedleinA

[Jane_Doe]

Nothing is wrong with selling plasma.  Something is very wrong with going behind your husband's back.  I would say that your financial situation is something you need to sit down together (possibly with a financial planner) and come up with an agreement.

Note: plasma centers will not let a fainter donate. 

Edited September 20, 2016 by Jane_Doe

[NeedleinA]

There should be zero shame/embarrassment in using the resources the Lord has already provided and put there for your benefit. You sound like a wise steward of your blessings already and a full tithe payer. Those who pass up the blessing of the Storehouse over pride/status/shame, essentially are turning their backs on the Lord's extended hand of support, imho.

Edited September 20, 2016 by NeedleinA

[ldsister]

16 minutes ago, NeedleinA said:

I would suggest that you don't sell plasma. I would definitely suggest that you don't do it "regardless" of the consequences. It is not worth the divide it could cause in a marriage, period. I would suggest using the Bishop's Storehouse (are you around one?) for your groceries and using the grocery savings to help fund your other emergencies instead. You can in turn donate your 3 hours to serving in the Storehouse.
 

I strongly feel that church welfare is for people who need it to eat, not people who want to use their food money on music lessons. For me personally, this is not something I would feel comfortable doing.

Edited September 20, 2016 by ldsister

[ldsister]

12 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Nothing is wrong with selling plasma.  Something is very wrong with going behind your husband's back.  I would say that your financial situation is something you need to sit down together (possibly with a financial planner) and come up with an agreement.

Note: plasma centers will not let a fainter donate. 

We don't really need a financial planner. We just don't have a large enough income to supply my (I feel appropriate and worthy) desires. I'm like, "let's just go get more money! Blood money!" lol.

[ldsister]

14 minutes ago, NeedleinA said:

There should be zero shame/embarrassment in using the resources the Lord has already provided and put there for your benefit. You sound like a wise steward of your blessings already and a full tithe payer. Those who pass up the blessing of the Storehouse over pride/status/shame, essentially are turning their backs on the Lord's extended hand of support, imho.

Thanks! So do you think it's appropriate to just go do it?

[Jane_Doe]

7 minutes ago, ldsister said:

We don't really need a financial planner. We just don't have a large enough income to supply my (I feel appropriate and worthy) desires. I'm like, "let's just go get more money! Blood money!" lol.

The point of the planner would be to better figure out how to get more money, not to be more efficient with the money you have (seems like you have that covered).

[omegaseamaster75]

35 minutes ago, ldsister said:

We are very financially responsible and do all the financial things the church recommends. SAHM, have decent-sized family, pay our tithing, have life insurance, debt-free, save for the future, etc. We do this by sacrificing and going without (vacations, music lessons, karate lessons, extracurriculars, sports, day camps, medical care, cable, etc). Recently, we felt strongly inspired to take a job transfer and move even though the transfer did not come with a pay raise. We did, and were stunned to realize that even though we're in the same general part of the same state, the cost of living here is MUCH higher. Our financial situation is even more strained than before, and I think it's time for me to start selling plasma. My husband objects because he feels that a) it will make me even more exhausted and drained than I already am and b) at his age, if his wife is needing to sell plasma, he's a total failure as a human being. 

I understand his perspective. He may be right that I will feel more exhausted, but I don't care. I already feel drained and used-up all the time, and feeling a little more that way seems inconsequential. As for B, having an unusually demanding financial situation (tithing and the cost of living here) doesn't make him a failure as a human being. If we lived in a less expensive area and/or didn't pay tithing, he'd be able to support his family just fine. The fact that we do those things doesn't make him a loser. It makes him a person who is in an unfortunate situation. 

The most obvious answer is for one of us to pick up a second job, but between the extreme job scarcity around here (it's well-known to be one of our community's biggest problems) and his totally non-flexible hours (7 to 7 some days, plus every other Saturday), I don't think anyone would hire him. Between my calling, his work schedule, and the kids, I don't have the hours available to work a job. He says if anyone's going to sell plasma, it should be him, which is laughably ridiculous because he faints when his blood is drawn just for a health checkup. 

I do, however, have three hours a week to sell plasma. I am SO SICK of being broke, and there's always some emergency. Kid's appendix bursts, deer smashes into the car, some part on the car goes out, phone slams into the sidewalk while teaching Webelos, other kid turns out to have congenital orthodontia condition requiring 30K to replace missing teeth, etc. We're not going into debt, but we're also not able to afford to even take the family to the corn maze or the museum, either. I'm so sick of being skint all the time. I feel like there's money just sitting in my veins. Why not tap it? Would it really be so wrong for me to say, "I know you've asked me repeatedly not to do this, but it's my body and it's legal and moral and I. Want. Money. I'm doing it." 

He's working on leveraging this transfer into a raise and a promotion, and I believe he will, but in the meantime, what do you think of me just going out and selling plasma anyway? Marital disaster waiting to happen? And if so, how do I convince him to change his (very strongly held) opinion? Or do I just say "to the blazes with it," and do it regardless of the consequences?

 

I'm going to be blunt, and I hope that you do not take this poorly, but it is a public forum and you have put your issues out there for all to see. I won't give you the warm fuzzies it's not my way. I see the list of things that you do with out and frankly only one stuck out as unacceptable: Medical care. As a father of 3 and husband to my wife I would never ever ask my family to sacrifice good medical care. It is not acceptable to me and shouldn't be acceptable to any spouse.  I know his job doesn't provide medical, well get a new job. Oh the job market is tight...move, take 2 jobs do what you have to do. I don't know you or your husband and it sounds like you guys are trying really hard. I would say take a step back and examine where you want to be in 5 years. I can guarantee one or two hospital emergencies will wipe out all that hard earned savings. Sounds like you have already experienced this.

Blood plasma, don't do it. the sacrifice to your husband and kids will be to great.  Your not single and can just hang out to recuperate you are a busy wife and mom. Start a business on ebay, you never have to leave the house.

You husband should get another job, his hours aren't that inflexible and you need medical care.

[NeedleinA]

8 minutes ago, ldsister said:

I strongly feel that church welfare is for people who need it to eat, not people who want to use their food money on music lessons.

Who suggested using the grocery savings for "music lessons"?

21 minutes ago, NeedleinA said:

grocery savings to help fund your other emergencies

I was referring to: "Kid's appendix bursts, deer smashes into the car, some part on the car goes out"

Many, many members view the Bishop's Storehouse erroneously, similar to Govt Welfare. The Bishop's Storehouse is to help provide assistance. The means by which the Church first attempts to do this is by providing food assistance. By providing "food", it is expected that the recipient will then use their actual money/cash towards the other necessities of life. 

One of the biggest problems I've seen related to the Bishop's Storehouse is that members wait too long to use it. Rather than put a band-aid on a smaller problem, they wait until they are drowning in issues/problems at which point they then need way more than a mere band-aid.
 

[zil]

IMO, you're looking at things you don't have / haven't tried and making assumptions about the goodness / badness thereof, without experience.  IMO, this leads to danger.  Please don't be offended by this, but the tone of your post sounds like coveting things you don't have.  Where the line is between a simple desire to have a bit more comfort and convenience, and actual coveting, I don't know, but I feel uncomfortable reading about all your wishes.

Whether your husband is being reasonable in his perception is less relevant than supporting and encouraging him through demonstrated trust.  Dismissing his feelings may discourage him, supporting his choices should encourage him; the difference may be that raise / promotion.

To my mind, the question is, assuming the Lord really did prompt this move, why?  Was it to see if you would be obedient no matter what?  Was it because he knew that in this place and time there was a specific person you could bless, or who could bless you?  Was it because this is where your husband needs to be in order to excel in his career?  Or...?

Regarding the Bishop's Storehouse: people also don't seem to understand that to receive this gift is a blessing on the heads of those who provide it.  Yes, they're blessed just for making fast offerings, but it is also a blessing when those resources are used to help people in their own area.

I recommend strongly against "just go do it" and strongly in favor of prayerfully seek the will of the Lord, and do that, no matter what it requires.

[NeedleinA]

37 minutes ago, ldsister said:

Thanks! So do you think it's appropriate to just go do it?

Yes.
Set up a time to speak with your Bishop. Explain your situation to him. Explain that you are hoping for/anticipating a raise soon(ish), but that you need some assistance in the meantime. He, probably in conjunction with the Relief Society Pres. will meet with you to make up a shopping order and away you go. You take the order to the Storehouse, get your list and presto. You in turn offer service (work) there or somewhere else the Bishop proposes.

Govt. Welfare = sit on your rear and wait for handouts, long term
Church Assistance = you work, the Church helps, short term (most cases)

Edited September 20, 2016 by NeedleinA

[NeuroTypical]

1. I don't understand why people are saying don't donate blood plasma.  We're all aware that hospitals and whatnot need this stuff to save lives, right?  It's not like you're selling drugs or kidneys or something...   If I had the veins to allow such things, I would be a happy blood/plasma giver, pay or not.  As things are, I make people re-think their professions after they see my crappy rolling tiny hard hiding veins.  http://www.donatingplasma.org/donation/donor-faq  

2. I remember the good old days.  Yes, we did scrounge through couch cushions for enough change to go get one McDonald's ice cream cone to share.  I remember feeling like a failure, and the pressure to do whatever it took to provide for my wife.  I remember feeling like crap when she went to work for PetSmart.

Yeah, I was wrong.  Those feelings were driven from lies and irrational expectations.  Go tell your hubby I said so.  Tell him to suck it up and let you donate plasma.  Remember the Proclamation on the Family.  Remember the part I underline here:

Quote

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

You folks are having a period of "other circumstances" here.  It sucks.  That's ok.  Together.  That's how you'll make it through. 

Edited September 20, 2016 by NeuroTypical

[zil]

I'm less opposed to donating plasma and more opposed to "I can't be any more exhausted than I already am" (nonsense) and the ideas of doing it against husband's wishes (biggest objection), and doing it repeatedly, long-term, as a source of depended-on income.

[Just_A_Guy]

I seem to remember a talk by Elder Holland where he recalled his father-in-law's discomfiture upon learning that Sister Holland was supplementing their family income by selling plasma; but for the life of me I can't find it online.

[ldsister]

1 hour ago, ldsister said:

10 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

I seem to remember a talk by Elder Holland where he recalled his father-in-law's discomfiture upon learning that Sister Holland was supplementing their family income by selling plasma; but for the life of me I can't find it online.

That sounds fascinating! I'll look that talk up. What was the conclusion? 

[ldsister]

44 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

1. I don't understand why people are saying don't donate blood plasma.  We're all aware that hospitals and whatnot need this stuff to save lives, right?  It's not like you're selling drugs or kidneys or something...   If I had the veins to allow such things, I would be a happy blood/plasma giver, pay or not.  As things are, I make people re-think their professions after they see my crappy rolling tiny hard hiding veins.  http://www.donatingplasma.org/donation/donor-faq  

2. I remember the good old days.  Yes, we did scrounge through couch cushions for enough change to go get one McDonald's ice cream cone to share.  I remember feeling like a failure, and the pressure to do whatever it took to provide for my wife.  I remember feeling like crap when she went to work for PetSmart.

Yeah, I was wrong.  Those feelings were driven from lies and irrational expectations.  Go tell your hubby I said so.  Tell him to suck it up and let you donate plasma.  Remember the Proclamation on the Family.  Remember the part I underline here:

You folks are having a period of "other circumstances" here.  It sucks.  That's ok.  Together.  That's how you'll make it through. 

Thank you! I agree! How can I work this considering my husband's objections? 

[ldsister]

49 minutes ago, NeedleinA said:

Yes.
Set up a time to speak with your Bishop. Explain your situation to him. Explain that you are hoping for/anticipating a raise soon(ish), but that you need some assistance in the meantime. He, probably in conjunction with the Relief Society Pres. will meet with you to make up a shopping order and away you go. You take the order to the Storehouse, get your list and presto. You in turn offer service (work) there or somewhere else the Bishop proposes.

Govt. Welfare = sit on your rear and wait for handouts, long term
Church Assistance = you work, the Church helps, short term (most cases)

I misunderstood. When you referred to "taking advantage of the systems the Lord has put in place," and I asked if I should just go do it, I thought you were referring to the existence of a plasma center. LOL. My bad! 

[ldsister]

53 minutes ago, zil said:

IMO, you're looking at things you don't have / haven't tried and making assumptions about the goodness / badness thereof, without experience.  IMO, this leads to danger.  Please don't be offended by this, but the tone of your post sounds like coveting things you don't have.  Where the line is between a simple desire to have a bit more comfort and convenience, and actual coveting, I don't know, but I feel uncomfortable reading about all your wishes.

Whether your husband is being reasonable in his perception is less relevant than supporting and encouraging him through demonstrated trust.  Dismissing his feelings may discourage him, supporting his choices should encourage him; the difference may be that raise / promotion.

To my mind, the question is, assuming the Lord really did prompt this move, why?  Was it to see if you would be obedient no matter what?  Was it because he knew that in this place and time there was a specific person you could bless, or who could bless you?  Was it because this is where your husband needs to be in order to excel in his career?  Or...?

Regarding the Bishop's Storehouse: people also don't seem to understand that to receive this gift is a blessing on the heads of those who provide it.  Yes, they're blessed just for making fast offerings, but it is also a blessing when those resources are used to help people in their own area.

I recommend strongly against "just go do it" and strongly in favor of prayerfully seek the will of the Lord, and do that, no matter what it requires.

I absolutely believe that the Lord prompted the move, but does that mean that selling plasma to pay Little League fees is going against his will? If so, how? 

[ldsister]

1 hour ago, NeedleinA said:

Who suggested using the grocery savings for "music lessons"?

I was referring to: "Kid's appendix bursts, deer smashes into the car, some part on the car goes out"

Many, many members view the Bishop's Storehouse erroneously, similar to Govt Welfare. The Bishop's Storehouse is to help provide assistance. The means by which the Church first attempts to do this is by providing food assistance. By providing "food", it is expected that the recipient will then use their actual money/cash towards the other necessities of life. 

One of the biggest problems I've seen related to the Bishop's Storehouse is that members wait too long to use it. Rather than put a band-aid on a smaller problem, they wait until they are drowning in issues/problems at which point they then need way more than a mere band-aid.
 

I must not have communicated clearly. All those emergencies were paid for immediately, in full, with cash. Paying for them left us without funds for luxuries like sports, music lessons, or our planned anniversary getaway. The only way the Bishop's storehouse would play into this situation would be if we took that food and then spent our grocery money on sports, music lessons, and anniversary vacations. I might be misunderstanding the purpose of the Bishop's storehouse, but wouldn't that be an inappropriate use of it? 

[ldsister]

1 hour ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

I'm going to be blunt, and I hope that you do not take this poorly, but it is a public forum and you have put your issues out there for all to see. I won't give you the warm fuzzies it's not my way. I see the list of things that you do with out and frankly only one stuck out as unacceptable: Medical care. As a father of 3 and husband to my wife I would never ever ask my family to sacrifice good medical care. It is not acceptable to me and shouldn't be acceptable to any spouse.  I know his job doesn't provide medical, well get a new job. Oh the job market is tight...move, take 2 jobs do what you have to do. I don't know you or your husband and it sounds like you guys are trying really hard. I would say take a step back and examine where you want to be in 5 years. I can guarantee one or two hospital emergencies will wipe out all that hard earned savings. Sounds like you have already experienced this.

Blood plasma, don't do it. the sacrifice to your husband and kids will be to great.  Your not single and can just hang out to recuperate you are a busy wife and mom. Start a business on ebay, you never have to leave the house.

You husband should get another job, his hours aren't that inflexible and you need medical care.

I'm not at all offended. I must have communicated poorly. When I referred to "medical care," I was referring to optional procedures for adults. We have insurance and fund our FLEX plan every year. When physical therapy was suggested for muscle and head pain I get every couple of weeks, my husband wanted me to use our insurance and FLEX money for the treatments. I told him I would if the money was unused by the end of the year. That week, our son's appendix burst and all the FLEX money went toward that. I believe I was prompted with that feeling in my gut not to squander our medical savings on an unnecessary procedure for myself when we would need it for something so much more important in just a few days. 

My husband would STILL like me to go get the treatments, but like you, I don't do warm fuzzies. If I don't see the money in the bank, I don't spend it on unnecessary things. 

As far as necessary treatments or treatments for the children, those are all received immediately and paid for immediately and in full. 

Now that I've clarified that our needs are entirely met and that the money from plasma would go toward wants, what do you think? Is it reasonable to do so? 

 

[omegaseamaster75]

7 minutes ago, ldsister said:

I absolutely believe that the Lord prompted the move, but does that mean that selling plasma to pay Little League fees is going against his will? If so, how? 

A quick look through HB1 shows no "church" issues with the selling of your plasma, but IMHO you are robbing time and energy from your husband and kids. If someone should sell plasma it should be him, if he is squeamish he should get another job so things are not as tight

[NightSG]

1 hour ago, ldsister said:

Recently, we felt strongly inspired to take a job transfer and move even though the transfer did not come with a pay raise.

You know, I sometimes wonder how often we "listen to the Spirit" sort of like those Perry Mason episodes where the lawyer keeps cutting off the witness at "yes, technically I suppose that could be true but..."

"The Spirit said it's not quite the dumbest plan I've ever come up with.  That means I'm Divinely inspired!"