I Read my child's diary

[Compassion101]

I was cleaning up my daughters bedroom and I noticed a notebook on the ground. I opened it up and it was her diary and there were some very disturbing things staring at my face and so it continued to read. I've been told by many people not to discuss this with my daughter. But I'm worried about a relationship with her and a boy she has refused to admit are dating each other. My daughter is only 15. But according to the diary, petting is now involved.  I know communication is the key.  She is hiding things justifying she is in love.  What is the best way to proceed?

 

Edited May 10, 2018 by Compassion101
Typos

[mgridle]

Of course I'd definitely nip this in the bud-if you don't she is in for a world of hurt either fairly quickly or at some point in her young life. I don't think I'd confront her like "so, I was reading in your diary, the other day .  . .. . " There should be other ways to get her to open up about this. I highly doubt she is petting with him at school right? Maybe afterschool? I bet you have probably seen the boy somewhere or noticed the difference in her attitude or in the way she talks. How you confront her or get into this topic is really up to you and will depend on the particular circumstances. 

I'd say, yes communication is the key (but not in the way you are thinking), clear, concise, stern communication from parent to child that this type of behavior is unacceptable and that b/c the child is choosing to engage in this type of activity, some form a discipline is forthcoming.  She's not 16, so she can't drive, so how in the world is she even seeing this boy?  I'll say this is probably a failure of parenting prior to this occurring.  She has got to see him somewhere relatively private and without the means to travel herself, so that means somewhere along the line you are facilitating this activity (in a passive way).  So figure out where it is she is seeing him and lock it down.  If that means no afterschool activity, so be it.

A child who at 15 is petting means she will be having sex real soon if this problem isn't taken care of real fast.  Make no mistake, whoever told you not to get involved in this probably don't have well-behaved well-disciplined children and don't know what they are talking about.

Now she may choose to have sex, etc. and that is her choice, but you as a parent are there to make sure she understands the consequences of her decisions and the best way to prevent it is to make sure she understands consequences for actions that don't have massive consequences like pre-marital sex.

Edited May 10, 2018 by mgridle

[Sunday21]

7 hours ago, Compassion101 said:

I was cleaning up my daughters bedroom and I noticed a notebook on the ground. I opened it up and it was her diary and there were some very disturbing things staring at my face and so it continued to read. I've been told by many people not to discuss this with my daughter. But I'm worried about a relationship with her and a boy she has refused to admit are dating each other. My daughter is only 15. But according to the diary, petting is now involved.  I know communication is the key.  She is hiding things justifying she is in love.  What is the best way to proceed?

 

Do you live near a temple? Perhaps have a talk on the temple grounds? Certainly this is a situation that calls for prayer and fasting. Perhaps put her name on the prayer roll? 

[askandanswer]

I'm pretty sure that no matter what kind of action you take, and how she responds to it, the pain and discomfort you both might feel will be far far less than the pain and discomfort that is likely to result from inaction. How about you take the diary in your hand, show your daughter what she has written and ask her to explain it to you. Then when that part of the discussion is over, explain to her what you did in reading her diary and, if its true, help her to understand that your actions were motivated by love and concern. 

I suspect you cannot rule out the possibility that you coming across the diary was not a result of divine intervention - perhaps it was our Father's way of helping two of his daughters. 

[Midwest LDS]

You need to get involved right away. I don't think you have to reveal your source at all, but this requires strict and immediate correction. If she is petting, she either already has, or will soon have sex. Don't forget the story of Eli and his sons in 1 Samuel 2. Eli was a good man who chose to let his sons continue in wickedness rather than correct them. That case had to do with misuse of priesthood authority, but the end result is the same as your situation, his sons were destroyed. You have to ask yourself, do you want your daughter to risk spiritual destruction without you doing everything in your power to stop it? I'm sure you don't, so it's time to do the less fun aspects of parenting; serious and frank talks with your daughter, severe punishment including ending all after school activities for her and taking away her phone so that she realizes she is on the wrong path, maybe even something more extreme like finding a new school for her. I'm sure you know how best to discipline your daughter, so my recommendation is to pull out all the stops and use the big guns before you are a grandmother and/or your daughter puts herself into an awful situation.

Edited May 10, 2018 by Midwest LDS

[Sunday21]

Dear @Compassion101  I would try to have some alone time with your daughter after prayer and perhaps while fasting. Have you seen this video? It contains the powerful testimony of Bro Packer with respect to the Kirkland temple. https://youtu.be/GuF0Rtq0HOk

Perhaps play this video and pray together. Perhaps this situation is one that you will both handle one step at a time? First talk about your testimony of the temple and eternity? Thinking of you! 

 

[zil]

I recommend praying together first - before you even bring up the topic of conversation.  There is something about praying together that softens hearts, and softened hearts will be needed.

[mgridle]

3 hours ago, Midwest LDS said:

I don't think you have to reveal your source at all,

If it were me, I wouldn't reveal my source at all. While kids these days are very smart, they are also very stupid-stupid as in they try to sneak and skirt the rules and always end up leaving breadcrumbs that a wise parent can see a mile away.  You've got to out-fox them-which shouldn't be too hard considering you are much older, more developed, smarter, etc.

Yeah, I'd keep this source close to my chest-have the stern talk, drop the hammer and then in a month or so go back to my source and see if anything has changed. For a parent, you've got to protect your sources and methods of getting information about your kids . . .that's why the "a little birdie told me" is beautiful :-). 'Cuz if you reveal them-it is possible if not likely they will go deeper underground and that's not good.

Edited May 10, 2018 by mgridle

[anatess2]

2 minutes ago, mgridle said:

If it were me, I wouldn't reveal my source at all. While kids these days are very smart, they are also very stupid-stupid as in they try to sneak and skirt the rules and always end up leaving breadcrumbs that a wise parent can see a mile away.  You've got to out-fox them-which shouldn't be too hard considering you are much older, more developed, smarter, etc.

Yeah, I'd keep this source close to my chest-have the stern talk, drop the hammer and then in a month or so go back to my source and see if anything has changed. For a parent, you've got to protect your sources and methods of getting information about your kids . . .that's why the "a little birdie told me" is beautiful :-). 'Cuz if you reveal them-it is possible if not likely they will go deeper underground and that's not good.

If your kid feels he has to sneak around his parents, you already lost the battle.

[mgridle]

4 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

If your kid feels he has to sneak around his parents, you already lost the battle.

Maybe, maybe not-you definitely haven't lost the war. Some kids like to sneak-I know I did, my siblings did and we turned out just fine-served missions, married in the temple, etc. My parents kept tabs on us through certain methods.  Different personalities, different kids. I don't think the battle or the war is lost.  There is no feeling like "he has to sneak", it's very simple-kid sneaks b/c he is doing something he doesn't want to get in trouble for and if his parents knew he would get into trouble-unless you've got perfect kids they are going to sneak from time to time b/c they don't want to get into trouble! Adults do it all the time, they sneak around things at work, in relationships, etc.  Most of the time the things people sneak about are pretty innocous-but we all still do it.

For example who has never done the "boss button" at work.  Yes it is immature, yes it isn't responsible, but just about everyone has done it at some point in their adult life.

Edited May 10, 2018 by mgridle

[anatess2]

13 hours ago, Compassion101 said:

My daughter is only 15.

This should have been, "My daughter is already 15..."  She is too old for this to be the first time the topic is brought up.  By this age, chastity would have already been discussed and rules established as well as consequences such that when you find out she broke the rules at age 15, she already knows what's going to happen and all you will need to do is re-inforce and lesson and execute the consequences.  If you haven't done this yet, it gets more difficult, because then you're going to need to strike a balance between Instruction, Rules, and Consequences for something that has already happened.

My advice is to ponder and pray about what path will get your daughter back to God.  You know your daughter best.  You will be the best person to judge how to change her direction.  Each child have different personalities that will affect how they will react to your intervention.  Do what is the best course for this specific child on how to get her to re-focus. 

Good luck.

[anatess2]

4 minutes ago, mgridle said:

Maybe, maybe not-you definitely haven't lost the war. Some kids like to sneak-I know I did, my siblings did and we turned out just fine-served missions, married in the temple, etc. My parents kept tabs on us through certain methods.  Different personalities, different kids. I don't think the battle or the war is lost.  There is no feeling like "he has to sneak", it's very simple-kid sneaks b/c he is doing something he doesn't want to get in trouble for and if his parents knew he would get into trouble-unless you've got perfect kids they are going to sneak from time to time b/c they don't want to get into trouble! Adults do it all the time, they sneak around things at work, in relationships, etc.  Most of the time the things people sneak about are pretty innocous-but we all still do it.

For example who has never done the "boss button" at work.  Yes it is immature, yes it isn't responsible, but just about everyone has done it at some point in their adult life.

It's not about turning out just fine.  It's about how you were raised to make you feel it necessary to do such a stupid thing.  Kids who do stupid things have a higher chance of getting lost regardless of how you, specifically, turned out.

Kids don't "like to get into trouble".  Kids want to do things they want to do.  We all know what they are.  They need direction so they know what the consequences are - natural and imposed - for actions before they do them.

Edited May 10, 2018 by anatess2

[mgridle]

Just now, anatess2 said:

It's not about turning out just fine.  It's about how you were raised to make you feel it necessary to do such a stupid thing.  Kids who do stupid things have a higher chance of getting lost regardless of how you, specifically, turned out.

You didn't even read and listen to what I wrote.

[anatess2]

1 minute ago, mgridle said:

You didn't even read and listen to what I wrote.

Of course I did.

[mgridle]

2 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Of course I did.

[Guest MormonGator]

I can offer you no advice, but please know I'm praying for you and your daughter @Compassion101. Sending love. 

[anatess2]

13 minutes ago, mgridle said:

Maybe I didn't express myself clearly.  

Kids want to do what they want to do.  They shouldn't feel they need to hide what they want to do from their parents because they "might get into trouble".  They should already know what the natural consequences for their actions are so that they wouldn't feel a need to hide from their parents to get into trouble.

A good relationship with the children will cause children to see their parents as their safe harbor - if they decide to do what they want to do regardless of the consequences, they will tell their parents even more because they know it is danger zone and they will need their parents to bail them out if it goes south.  They can't evade from the consequences just because "their parents didn't know".  Consequences to stupidity are Natural.  That's why we stop our kids from doing stupid things because somebody else has already figured out it leads to bad consequences so our kids won't have to go find out for themselves.  

Of course, that requires a solid family relationship where everybody is hanging on to everybody else while they exercise their freedom to fail and crawl their way back out.  And of course it requires that you don't give your kids stupid rules that has no natural consequences - like "don't talk to Mr. Ed because he speaks funny."

Edited May 10, 2018 by anatess2

[mgridle]

4 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Maybe I didn't express myself clearly.  

Kids want to do what they want to do.  They shouldn't feel they need to hide what they want to do from their parents because they "might get into trouble".  They should already know what the natural consequences for their actions are so that they wouldn't feel a need to hide from their parents to get into trouble.

A good relationship with the children will cause children to see their parents as their safe harbor - if they decide to do what they want to do regardless of the consequences, they will tell their parents even more because they know it is danger zone and they will need their parents to bail them out if it goes south.  

Of course, that requires a solid family relationship where everybody is hanging on to everybody else while they exercise their freedom to fail and crawl their way back out.

Lol.  You really don't have a clue.

"Adam, Adam where are you?"

"I hide myself b/c I was naked" (i.e. I did something I shouldn't have done and I ran away (I hide myself, I snuck away, etc.) b/c I didn't want to deal with the punishment).

It's a tale as old as time and no about of "good relationship" is going to prevent it.

 

Edited May 10, 2018 by mgridle
trying to delete gif

[omegaseamaster75]

34 minutes ago, mgridle said:

If it were me, I wouldn't reveal my source at all. While kids these days are very smart, they are also very stupid-stupid as in they try to sneak and skirt the rules and always end up leaving breadcrumbs that a wise parent can see a mile away.  You've got to out-fox them-which shouldn't be too hard considering you are much older, more developed, smarter, etc.

Yeah, I'd keep this source close to my chest-have the stern talk, drop the hammer and then in a month or so go back to my source and see if anything has changed. For a parent, you've got to protect your sources and methods of getting information about your kids . . .that's why the "a little birdie told me" is beautiful :-). 'Cuz if you reveal them-it is possible if not likely they will go deeper underground and that's not good.

I would reveal my source. While my child is under the age of 18 living in my house there is no expectation of privacy. I would make it very clear that yes I read her diary and I know what's going on.  

I don't need to out-fox my kids. I need to hold them accountable for their actions when I become aware of them as soon as I become aware of them.

[mgridle]

1 minute ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

I would reveal my source. While my child is under the age of 18 living in my house there is no expectation of privacy. I would make it very clear that yes I read her diary and I know what's going on.  

I don't need to out-fox my kids. I need to hold them accountable for their actions when I become aware of them as soon as I become aware of them.

To each his own; I never said to not hold them accountable at all-never suggested. I just said I wouldn't reveal my sources; kids are going to try and pull the wool over my eyes-just going to happen-and they need to know that it won't happen.

How many times did you think you parents didn't know what you did and then find out 20 years later . . .oh they really did know-pretty common.

[anatess2]

5 minutes ago, mgridle said:

To each his own; I never said to not hold them accountable at all-never suggested. I just said I wouldn't reveal my sources; kids are going to try and pull the wool over my eyes-just going to happen-and they need to know that it won't happen.

How many times did you think you parents didn't know what you did and then find out 20 years later . . .oh they really did know-pretty common.

Never.  Neither I nor my siblings felt a need to hide things from our parents.  When we desired to defy our parents we defied them with their full knowledge bearing the consequences they dealt.  

It's a sad thing that you think it is just a natural thing for kids to want to "pull the wool over my eyes".  There's some funky relationship happening there...

[mgridle]

53 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

It's a sad thing that you think it is just a natural thing for kids to want to "pull the wool over my eyes".  There's some funky relationship happening there..

No, you don't understand kids . . .I guess you think Adam had a funky relationship with God.

[Just_A_Guy]

1 hour ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

I would reveal my source. While my child is under the age of 18 living in my house there is no expectation of privacy. I would make it very clear that yes I read her diary and I know what's going on.  

I don't need to out-fox my kids. I need to hold them accountable for their actions when I become aware of them as soon as I become aware of them.

In the intelligence world, this is known as “compromising your asset”.  

[Guest]

20 hours ago, Compassion101 said:

I was cleaning up my daughters bedroom and I noticed a notebook on the ground. I opened it up and it was her diary and there were some very disturbing things staring at my face and so it continued to read. I've been told by many people not to discuss this with my daughter. But I'm worried about a relationship with her and a boy she has refused to admit are dating each other. My daughter is only 15. But according to the diary, petting is now involved.  I know communication is the key.  She is hiding things justifying she is in love.  What is the best way to proceed?

I think @Just_A_Guy has a great point.  I wouldn't reveal how you got the information. Not because you need to feel ashamed of it -- you don't.  You're the parent.  She's the child.  She lives under your roof, your rules.  You have NO cause to be ashamed of reading her journal.

The main reason you don't want to reveal your source is that it is none of her business how you know.  The fact is that you know.  The fact is that you're the mom.  The fact is that if you don't nip this in the bud, then things will only go downhill from here.

Either have some angst and yelling and tears today or have many more and worse later on.  Fear God or fear your daughter?

[Compassion101]

Ok, so first of all...I was surprised at all the comments.  Thanks for your input.  2nd....I not a "she"...but I found it interesting how assumptions can be made in a post.  4th...i find it interesting how some posts were quick to point the finger at parental failures.  I'm sure Lehi was a good parent with kids not following what was taught in the home perfectly.   3rd...I decided to have a talk with my daughter while going out to have a shake. 

I prayed hard to know what to say....I wasn't sure if I was going to tell her how I knew, if I was going to talk specifics, if I would tell her Mom after...

I didn't want a forced confession.  I wanted her to be willing to open up to me and to realize that all the fear and reasons for secrets was not necessary.  Most important, I wanted her to know that mom and I love her, that we will always love her and that nothing will ever change that.  

We talked about school, friends,  and then I told her that I have some important questions to ask her....one being what her relationship with Paul has become.  She said they were just friends.  But that is when the spirit took over and put words in my mouth....i can't exactly remember word for word but that is not important.  What is important is that the spirit took over.  

She has been afraid to say anything due to fear.  Fear of never seeing Paul again, fear of being moved to a new school, fear of losing her friends over her breaking the rules.  We talked about how it is so important to have standards and rules ahead of time so when you are in the moment, you can make a decision easier.  We talked about how she will handle the next time it happens when she is around Paul and the rest of her friends leave them alone.  We talked about respecting each other and how much she deserves someone who will respect her and her family rules.

Most importantly we talked about God and how she struggles with having a relationship with Deity.  She brought up how she doesn't know if she wants to believe in God and the Big Bang theory is what she is leaning toward.

Once again, the spirit took over stating How wonderful, gifted, beautiful, smart, and fun my daughter is and no big bang has the ability to make something that special.  I testified to her that the plan is real and most important that she is loved.  We talked over an hour.  Tears. Testimony. Trust.

I told her for now I won't tell Mom, that I would like her to get the courage to do so.  I told her I wouldn't lie to her Mom so I will eventually tell her if she refuses but I want her to have time to make the decision on her own.  

Ended in hugs and feeling the spirit.  I have learned much from this experience.  Most important lesson is that I must be spiritually on top of my game so I can be ready to receive revelation to help my kids.  President Nelson said it best that the Lord is ready to bless us more.

I definitely have a journey ahead with my daughter, but I feel we now have a foundation of trust built upon this first experience where we can have more talks (and shakes) in the future.

Edited May 11, 2018 by Compassion101