Chad Allen

Emotional Affair with a Bishop

Recommended Posts

3 minutes ago, Overwatch said:

I disagree fair lady. My wife IS my best friend and NO ONE can replace her.

If my husband tells me I'm his best friend, I'll clock him upside the head.  I'm his WIFE.  It's like calling a Louis Vitton bag a Nine West.  His best friend is John.  They go do best-friend-things together.

Edited by anatess2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

If my husband tells me I'm his best friend, I'll clock him upside the head.  I'm his WIFE.  It's like calling a Louis Vitton bag a Nine West.

So sassy.
 

Yeah, no. There is my wife and then there is plebeians.

 

Edited by Overwatch

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Overwatch said:

So sassy.
 

Yeah, no. There is my wife and plebeians.

 

And that's where you and I are different.  I don't demand that my husband drop every relationship he's ever had in his life.  As a matter of fact, I feel that if he does then he has moved farther from Christ.  You can't love people (bringing them closer to Christ) unless you put an emotional investment in every single one of them.

Edited by anatess2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, anatess2 said:

And that's where you and I are different.  I don't demand that my husband drop every relationship he's ever had in his life.  As a matter of fact, I feel that if he does then he has moved farther from Christ.

We still have friends but um, we cleave to each other and no one else.

🙃

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Overwatch said:

Yes Madame. Next to my wife everyone is a Pleb including myself.

I hope your Plebeian Wednesday is amazing

Meh.  My husband doesn't have to pledge that kind of Disney prince devotion to make me feel special.  I prefer he spend more energy building quality friendships.  But you do you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, anatess2 said:

Meh.  My husband doesn't have to pledge that kind of Disney prince devotion to make me feel special.  I prefer he spend more energy building quality friendships.  But you do you.

You do you too boo.

With your bougie Louis Vitton bag, your Husband on your right arm and your Man Bff on your left.

It's a sssandwich for success!

 

 

*Ana, I am just having fun with you by the way. Even though our views are different, we are still very much entitled to our opinions :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Overwatch said:

You do you too boo.

With your bougie Louis Vitton bag, your Husband on your right arm and your Man Bff on your left.

It's a sssandwich for success!

 

 

*Ana, I am just having fun with you by the way. Even though our views are different, we are still very much entitled to our opinions :)

I have more than 1 male BFFs.  I just spent an entire Saturday with 4 of them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, anatess2 said:

I have more than 1 male BFFs.  I just spent an entire Saturday with 4 of them.

...

Unless you are latina then that makes sense. I knew some dude who married a girl from Argentina and I went to visit him. He was locked in his room studying for law school and three dudes were lounging in the living with his wife when I arrived. I personally couldn't do it, but hey, different strokes for different folks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Overwatch said:

...

Unless you are latina then that makes sense. I knew some dude who married a girl from Argentina and I went to visit him. He was locked in his room studying for law school and three dudes were lounging in the living with his wife when I arrived. I personally couldn't do it, but hey, different strokes for different folks.

I'm Filipino.  Divorce is illegal in the Philippines.  We act accordingly.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, anatess2 said:

I'm Filipino.  Divorce is illegal in the Philippines.  We act accordingly.

Rip. Yeah I heard about that over there. That stinks. Alright Lady, I am out the door. Have a great day!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Overwatch said:

Rip. Yeah I heard about that over there. That stinks. Alright Lady, I am out the door. Have a great day!

Divorce being illegal stinks?  Au contraire...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Lee said:

Bro she is just fulfilling her calling and having a friend. So what she has an emotional bond with a man, that doesn't mean she is having an emotional affair. Sorry man I think you should get some counselling for paranoia. Unless there is more to this I advise you to trust your wife. 

If she's having an emotional affair, she's definitely not going to call it that. She'll downplay the relationship so that she doesn't get in trouble (just an "emotional bond" whatever that is). It's important to look at her actions.

Pieces from this article on http://www.dearpeggy.com/emotional.html

It's an emotional affair if…
--I'm keeping the details of my relationship secret from my spouse
--I'm saying and doing things with the other person I wouldn't do with my spouse present
--I'm sharing things with the other person that I don't share with my spouse
--I'm making an effort to arrange to spend time with the other person

Emotional affairs either end or they escalate.

It really doesn't matter whether someone thinks an emotional relationship is totally harmless. The fact is that in most instances emotional affairs are just affairs that have not YET become sexual. They either end or they escalate. So (as with any type affair), it's critical that all one-on-one contact with the third party be severed—before it escalates.

It's all about the secrecy and where they are directing their energy. This is not exclusive to affairs. If you find out your spouse is secretly drinking/smoking, secretly obtaining credit cards and maxing them out (huge debt), buying rich property in the Cayman Islands and hiding the profits, etc., it's a betrayal. If your spouse is putting all their energy into work, a hobby, etc. instead of being with you, it hurts.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Overwatch said:

 

Pretty much having someone of the opposite sex being your best friend other than your spouse. Assuming you are straight.  Being deeply connected to them, leeching emotional strength off of them. If you are in an emotional affair you know you are doing something wrong, you just don't want to admit it. It seems so innocent and how you could you be doing something wrong. Well... If you start fantasizing, being too personal, getting aroused by being in someone's company YOU ARE committing emotional adultery.

" But Facts Leif, we want facts. SCIENCE!!! Where's your degree?  hm. Well, lemme link some articles for you.

https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-youre-having-an-emotional-affair-2303079

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-gets-better/201406/emotional-affairs-why-they-hurt-so-much

 

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce-and-infidelity/affairs-and-adultery/truth-about-emotional-affairs

 

http://www.dearpeggy.com/emotional.html

Enjoy!!!!!

 

 

Thank you for this, but I asked the OP what - specifically - she did that made him feel she was having an emotional affair.

I hadn't said emotional affairs weren't bad. I wanted to know what she did that made him feel she was having one. There is a difference between being friendly with someone and having a high level of non-sexual emotional intimacy. And that difference is very big.

 

There are two possibilities here:

1) She is having an emotional affair.

2) The OP just thinks she's having an emotional affair.

 

The gulf in what he should do depending on what those two are is huge and without knowing what specifically made him think that, it is impossible to provide real and genuine advice.

 

But thank you for the for the reading on how emotional affairs are bad.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, NeedleinA said:

 the OP does not share enough information, without some follow up questions, to determine what is really going on here - yet.

17 hours ago, Lost Boy said:

The OP did share more information with me in a private post which he adds more detail.

If the OP would like specific responses from the entire group, the more we know, the better we can offer up something that is personalized to his actual circumstances.
Vague OP = Vague, grabbing in the dark responses.

This is an anonymous forum, unless he actually used his real name "Chad Allen". 

 

Edited by NeedleinA

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, NeedleinA said:

If the OP would like specific responses from the entire group, the more we know, the better we can offer up something that is personalized to his actual circumstances.
Vague OP = Vague, grabbing in the dark responses.

This is an anonymous forum, unless he actually used his real name "Chad Allen". 

 

Don't we all use our real names??    That would be a bit crazy to use your real name and share something like that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest MormonGator
6 minutes ago, Lost Boy said:

Don't we all use our real names??    That would be a bit crazy to use your real name and share something like that.

 I admire people like @Rob Osborn who do use their real name. It's harder to be a jerk/troll if everyone knows who you really are. 

Granted, this case is different. 

Edited by MormonGator

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Overwatch said:

I disagree fair lady. My wife IS my best friend and NO ONE can replace her.

Please extend my condolences to her for me, then.  🤣

Seriously, if you have a good, close relationship with the Bishop, that's just fine.  Even if he's your "best friend".  Bishops have friends, too, you know.  So long as it's not sexual and so long as both of you know where the boundary is and respect it.  Chad, I think that if anything you and the Bishop need to sit and talk about this.

Lost Boy, BTDT.  I still have you in my prayers, because bro I know what that's like.  Mine...I was trying to keep my wife happy, not understanding that she was facing a lot of depression.  It was a mess.  No divorce though, turned out her first divorce wasn't valid.  That sucked.  Especially since she was my first wife and I was husband #4.  😑

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, pwrfrk said:

Please extend my condolences to her for me, then.  🤣

Seriously, if you have a good, close relationship with the Bishop, that's just fine.  Even if he's your "best friend".  Bishops have friends, too, you know.  So long as it's not sexual and so long as both of you know where the boundary is and respect it.  Chad, I think that if anything you and the Bishop need to sit and talk about this.

Lost Boy, BTDT.  I still have you in my prayers, because bro I know what that's like.  Mine...I was trying to keep my wife happy, not understanding that she was facing a lot of depression.  It was a mess.  No divorce though, turned out her first divorce wasn't valid.  That sucked.  Especially since she was my first wife and I was husband #4.  😑

 

 

 

Don't be jelly 🙂

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, MormonGator said:

 I admire people like @Rob Osborn who do use their real name. It's harder to be a jerk/troll if everyone knows who you really are. 

Granted, this case is different. 

Honestly?  In some forums, yes, that IS ideal.  Like when you're looking for someone to purchase automatic weapons from, or find a cruise ship to hi-jack....

...All in sarcasm, of course.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest MormonGator
4 minutes ago, pwrfrk said:

Honestly?  In some forums, yes, that IS ideal.  Like when you're looking for someone to purchase automatic weapons from, or find a cruise ship to hi-jack....

...All in sarcasm, of course.

That's awesome. lol! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for all that responded to my post and sorry for the delay in my getting back to you.  There has been a lot going on including going to Trek as a Ma and Pa and avoiding making as much contact as possible with the bishop; talking to the Stake President; participating in my oldest son's wedding, and going to marriage counseling.

At this point I feel that providing explicit details would be a betrayal of trust.  But I will tell you that my wife told me that about 3 years ago she emotionally left the marriage due to a medical condition I had and she felt I had pushed her away.  From that time she would not engage with me on an emotional level but just on a surface level.  I tried several time to engage her to get her and I to connect emotionally but she said with each attempt she had no desire to connect.  All we had in common was our kids and church attendance.

She has admitted to me that she was with holding any emotional and spiritual intimacy from me and felt they were fulfilled by the bishop and their interaction and was cleaving to the bishop to have these needs met.  I feel that there is hope for our relationship. 

The part I am having the hardest time with is my angry feelings towards the bishop and having to see him each Sunday as i have lost all respect for him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 7/5/2018 at 9:15 AM, Chad Allen said:

Thank you for all that responded to my post and sorry for the delay in my getting back to you.  There has been a lot going on including going to Trek as a Ma and Pa and avoiding making as much contact as possible with the bishop; talking to the Stake President; participating in my oldest son's wedding, and going to marriage counseling.

At this point I feel that providing explicit details would be a betrayal of trust.  But I will tell you that my wife told me that about 3 years ago she emotionally left the marriage due to a medical condition I had and she felt I had pushed her away.  From that time she would not engage with me on an emotional level but just on a surface level.  I tried several time to engage her to get her and I to connect emotionally but she said with each attempt she had no desire to connect.  All we had in common was our kids and church attendance.

She has admitted to me that she was with holding any emotional and spiritual intimacy from me and felt they were fulfilled by the bishop and their interaction and was cleaving to the bishop to have these needs met.  I feel that there is hope for our relationship. 

The part I am having the hardest time with is my angry feelings towards the bishop and having to see him each Sunday as i have lost all respect for him.

If you really love her, then you really have to be in there 100%.  And be committed for the long haul.  I mean this in not a try it for a few weeks type thing.  This is a do it for a year type thing without any expectations.  

First, you got to let go of the anger towards the bishop.  It is not his fault that your wife was betraying you.  I have given anger a lot of thought.  And all I can come up with is that anger is truly a useless emotion.  Nothing good comes from anger.  Consider this.  If it wasn't the bishop, perhaps the emotional affair would have gone further.  Perhaps the Bishop gave her just enough to keep her from looking elsewhere.  Somewhere where the person isn't emotionally strong enough to stop at just emotional things.

Second you need to find ways to love your wife every day.  Not ways you want to love her, but ways she wants to be loved.  The book the 5 love languages can help, but it isn't always the answer.  But still it is a good starting point.  It has been 6 months since I found out about the emotional affair my wife had.  It has taken some serious effort on my part to reconnect with her.  Although, she was the one that betrayed me, I surely wasn't blameless myself.

The only person I can fix is me.  And the main reason I try to fix me is because I am broken.  I am not perfect.  I don't fix me because of what my wife does or does not do.  I choose to love her regardless of whether she loves me back.  This is not always easy.  She doesn't always do things I like...  And the knee jerk reaction is to be angry.  How can you love someone that does things you don't like?  The key is understanding and communication.  Whining and complaining is not understanding and communication.  To be successful, you have to find ways to have positive communication with your spouse.  No accusing her of stuff.  No saying "You always do this or that"  That only makes things worse.  

I have found in my own relationship that my lady loves when I do house work for her.  And she really loves my cooking.  I crave her touch.  But when I found out about the affair, we weren't touching much at all.  I had to really start out small.  just holding hands and what not.  for me, I really like sex, but to me I connect with her emotionally with her more by just hugging her.  And I mean really hug.. like 5, 10, 15 minutes or more just holding each other.  I sent her a text most days of the 100 things I love about her.  I am in my 70s for reasons right now.  She has not once given me a text in return saying what she loves about me.  But she has never been one to express things much with words.

To me marriage was always about the wife and not the kids.  I don't believe in staying together for the kids.  The kids will know that you and your wife are not in love and they will know.  And it will affect them.  Do not stay together for them.  You stay together for her.  Anything less is a lie.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 7/5/2018 at 9:15 AM, Chad Allen said:

 

The part I am having the hardest time with is my angry feelings towards the bishop and having to see him each Sunday as i have lost all respect for him.

For what it's worth, I believe your wife is having a one-sided emotional affair with the bishop.  Poor bishop.  You should stop being angry with him until you talk to him and he admits to you he's party to your wife's stupidity.  Having compassion and empathy is not quite the same as "enabling".  And avoiding the bishop is the opposite thing you should be doing.  Being close to the bishop is the one sure way for you to know the full picture of what's going on.

Edited by anatess2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now