What obligations do grandparents have?

[Backroads]

So, the background. Husband and I both work, kids are in daycare (technically, the little one is in daycare and the bigger one is in school with such a tiny overlap of being in daycare (20 minutes) I really can't classify here there). Yes, I know daycare is the devil's playground, but it's where we are right now and, well, I'm in a good place with it.

My mom, who lives near us, recently retired and has offered to take the kid a few days a week. I thought this sounded great. My mom wants to do other things, like volunteer in various classrooms (myself, my sister, my sister-in-law all teach and my mom also wants to help out in oldest daughter's classroom because Kindergarten Teacher is an old family friend who used to teach me in Young Women's) and add to her piano teaching business. I think this is fine. Husband is bothered she doesn't want to take kid full time.

My perspective: I have heard so many horror stories of just dumping grandkids off on the grandparents. 

Husband's perspective: Families support each other.

After a discussion, I really do see and understand Husband's point, but I still can't fully get away from my perspective.

I'm really not looking for you to solve our problem, but I am curious to your personal views on grandparents.

 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Duplicate 

Edited August 26, 2018 by LiterateParakeet

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I'm with you on this. I understand your husband's point, but honestly I think that's easy for him say when he hasn't been the primary nurturer.  

I have made a lot of sacrifices to be a mom. I have no regrets, I would do it again. But at the same time, I figure when my kids are raised its my turn to have a career or serve in other ways. I have no intentions watching my grandchildren full time.  

If your husband was a stay at home dad, I would give his opinion on this more weight. But since he obviously isn't, I think he is asking for a sacrifice he doesn't truly understand. 

From my perspective, your mom is being more than generous. Yes, families support each other, but support can come in different ways. 

That's my two cents.

P. S. One more thought..if your husbands father retired would your husband feel comfortable asking him to take another job to support you - because families help each other? To me it's the same as what he is asking of your mother.

[Sunday21]

Agree with @LiterateParakeet Depends a lot on the culture and personalities involved. By the way, if grandma provides even a little assistance, you owe her. She deserves the odd picture, attendance at kid’s birthday party, include in Saturday outing to McD’s. Be grateful! 

[Backroads]

To add to Husband's perspective, he would be up for paying my mom--he has no problem with that. He would prefer the kids to be with her than at daycare. Which, again, I totally understand, but only if Grandma is up for it.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

1 hour ago, Backroads said:

To add to Husband's perspective, he would be up for paying my mom--he has no problem with that. He would prefer the kids to be with her than at daycare. Which, again, I totally understand, but only if Grandma is up for it.

I don't blame him. But if I were your mother, I wouldn't still want to something else in this season of my life. 

[estradling75]

What do you mean by "obligations"?

Basically at this stage their "obligation" is to support...  The nature of that support can and will vary drastically between different sets of people depending on their abilities and your needs.

You're mom is under no obligation to become a full time parent to your kids.  (That is you and your husband's job)

Her situation changed and she is able to increase the amount of support she can give(and the way she can give it).  Tell your husband to quit being greedy with someone else's time, and say 'thank you.' for what she is willing to give.

[Jane_Doe]

Grandparent's expected role varies greatly from culture to culture.

But since you're American and I'm American, I'll just talk American view: she can be involved as much or as little as she likes.  If she wants to take the kids 0 days a week, that's her perfectly valid choice.  If she offers to have them 3 or 5 days a week and the parents are down with that, then that's great and fantastically generous of her.  Offering to compensate her for that time/energy is also generous of you.  

No adult child has no right to go up to grandma and say "you are obligated to devote X hours a week to watching my kids!". (which for the record it doesn't sound like anyone is doing).  

[Grunt]

I'm a very strong believer in families support each other.  However, that requires frequent and honest communication.  My in-laws live 45 minutes away.  We don't hesitate to ask them to take the kids.  They don't hesitate to say no when they don't want to or have other plans.  No hard feelings either way.  They'll often ask if they can have the kids for a few days.  Sometimes it works for us and sometimes it doesn't.  Again, no hard feelings either way.  

I'm not sure they could handle being full-time caretakers at their age, though.  That would be a lot to ask of them, and we never have.

[pwrfrk]

It is the God-assigned duty of the grandparents to spoil the crap out of their grandkids.  Then let the parents clean up the mess.

Unless the parents cannot raise their kids themselves, for legally identifiable reasons, then raising the kids is the responsibility of the parents.

[anatess2]

My sister and I had this fight a while back.  I wanted my parents to live with me, she wanted them to live with her.  Of course, whoever gets my parents gets to have their kids grow up with the grandparents.  My parents knew this time would come - that they would live with one of their children, so when we were tiny kids, they set up the structure that has been in existence from grandparents past, that the older siblings help care for the younger ones, including help in paying for college, and the youngest gets to take care of the parents when they are older and inherit the house.  Well, my sister is the the youngest, she decided to migrate to the US and so my parents ended up migrating to the US as well because, hey, they set up that rule!  I tried to call foul - you're in the US, I'm in the US, rules null and void!  Didn't work.

But no, grandparents are not babysitters.  They're grandparents.  Grandparents' role is to see to it that their children pass the family legacy down to their grandchildren, the most important of which is their family traditions pertaining the gospel of Christ.  But yeah, my sister lived a few miles from me for a while there.  My mother and my husband's mother had a competition going on who gets to "win" the grandchildren.  My mother wanted the grandchildren, of course, hoping to get them raised Catholic.  My husband's mom has mental health issues.  So we decided to indulge my mother.  But, it is not babysitting.  It is my children GROWING UP with my mother.  That means - her house, her rules - even if it is my child.  And we don't pay her.  We may give her money to express our gratitude but she'll chew you out if you tell her it's "payment for babysitting".  So my kids are very well-versed on Catholicism.  Which makes them very good Mormons.  Er, Latter-day Saints.

[Maureen]

I am retired and I am a brand new grandmother. I love babysitting my granddaughter occasionally, like once or twice a week, but I don't think I could do it fulltime. Even grandparents have their own lives and interests, and we require time to accomplish our goals and enjoy our hobbies/interests. Human beings are meant to have children in their 20s and 30s because it's easier physically. I'm in my late 50s and I don't think I'm physically able to watch my granddaughter (under 1yo) fulltime. Your husband probably doesn't understand how physically demanding it is, to watch over young children fulltime when you're older.

M.

Edited August 27, 2018 by Maureen