Guiding vs. Allowing to Learn from Mistakes

[Carborendum]

My son is an adult now.  He even lives in his own apartment (with roommates).

He's looking for a used car right now.  And he is doing two things that I believe are unwise.

I know what he should do from my "practical" side.  But he wants to do something rather impulsive.  And it will cost a lot of money.  If I say something, he'll most likely take my advice.   But I'm thinking that it may be a good time in his life to start making decisions on his own. 

What I'd hate to happen:

• I tell him the practical thing to do.
• He accepts my advice and it ends up being a bad decision (because all used cars are a gamble). OR
• He accepts my advice and really doesn't like the car and regrets it emotionally.
• He rejects my advice and it ends up being a lemon.

It would be great if I don't say anything, he buys what he wants, and it turns out to be a great car.  But I'm not banking on that.  

I'm thinking it would be better if I just kept my mouth shut and let the chips fall where they may.

Edited February 5 by Carborendum

[Ironhold]

Nowadays, it's considered wise to have a trusted third-party mechanic evaluate any used vehicles ahead of purchase. 

Is there a member of your ward, or even stake, who is a certified and reputable mechanic? If so, call on them to see if they'd be willing to come with when your son goes to look for a vehicle. They can offer insight on whether or not a car is a wise purchase, and since it's a professional opinion your son might be more inclined to listen. 

[The Folk Prophet]

20 hours ago, Carborendum said:

I'm thinking it would be better if I just kept my mouth shut and let the chips fall where they may.

In my opinion, this should be the general rule with adult children -- the exception being if they are mooching off you somehow (still living at home, etc.), but even then...it's a judgement call. But otherwise....butt out unless asked.

[LDSGator]

5 minutes ago, The Folk Prophet said:

In my opinion, this should be the general rule with adult children -- the exception being if they are mooching off you somehow (still living at home, etc.), but even then...it's a judgement call. But otherwise....butt out unless asked.

Yup. Sometimes life teaches you better lessons than your parents can. 

[The Folk Prophet]

4 minutes ago, LDSGator said:

Yup. Sometimes life teaches you better lessons than your parents can. 

Well, it's more than just that. It's also (among other things) that even if the parent can teach things, it can damage relationships, which damages the parent's ability to continue to teach....and... moreover, Parents can be wrong.  

[NeuroTypical]

Heh.  I'm having similar experiences with my adult kiddos.  Especially one or two occurences of "Daddy gave me bad advice".  Those hurt!

My general deal is to give advice if it's welcome, with the understanding that I'm not perfect.

I think the healthy line is in how dependent/independent they are.  Plenty of adult dependent children out there.  If parents are still paying bills/helping out/providing housing/whatever, parents should have great sway in things.   If kid is truly earning their own way in life, it's just a function of advice giving and then the adult makes their decision. 

[The Folk Prophet]

I might add... it depends on the subject a bit too...and a bit who's being advised.

My dad saying, "I think you ought to get a reasonable car instead of that thing," wouldn't be an issue. I'd take the advice if I agreed and ignore it if I didn't.

But when my father-in-law gives my wife unsolicited parenting advice it comes across to her as him telling her she's a bad mother. And it's not good.

[HaggisShuu]

As a young man living away from home, when I bought a car, my mother tried to force financial advice on me. I resented the advice (and to some extent her for offering it unsolicited) and didn't follow it and ended up signing a predatory lease agreement. 🙂

Because I live away from home and have achieved much for my age, this comes with a certain level of hubris. I deserve a nice car. The payments are only X pounds a month. This is a good choice. 
I hardly read the contract or researched the state of car sales in the UK, and now I have a wee baby and wife out of work it's a financial strain. 

I can afford the payments fine, but it is a difficulty. In 17 months, when I repay the loan on car, I will have learned a valuable lesson about prudent financial management and humility (that being my arrogance lead to an unwise financial choice), which I couldn't have learned if I just did what my parents told me too 100% of the time.

 

[The Folk Prophet]

5 hours ago, HaggisShuu said:

I can afford the payments fine, but it is a difficulty. In 17 months, when I repay the loan on car, I will have learned a valuable lesson about prudent financial management and humility (that being my arrogance lead to an unwise financial choice), which I couldn't have learned if I just did what my parents told me too 100% of the time.

I've had similar thoughts often.... and yet.... I actually never learn said valuable lessons. Because...dang it...I deserve a nice car!