Infidelity Please Read Long!!!

[MorningStar]

I'm confused, Traveler. How do you expect her to react to being cheated on? What is she doing wrong? Maybe I'm missing something.

[WillowTheWhisp]

I'm confused too Traveller. Are you saying that she is to blame for this marriage failing? Of course she feels hurt and confused that her husband has cheated on her. I would too. In fact I'm not even sure I'd be looking for another marriage to replace the failed one. I'd have too many doubts at this stage.

I was talking to our Bishop a little while ago and he expressed his surprise at how many women in this area of our country put up with abuse (verbal and physical) and adultery compared with down south where he come from. He said he thinks the women down there are stronger and he cannot understand women up here!

Maybe northern women just react differently. I hope you will be able to get through this and get back to a loving trusting relationship but I'm sure it can't be easy.

[Traveler]

My friends, there are two attitudes that one can take to go through life. One is that attitude that everyone should get what they deserve. The other is the attitude that everyone should be treated with love and respect; especially when they do not deserve it.

There is not method (even in heaven) to control or get someone else to behave with love and kindness. I would like to use myself as the example but I know better. If my wife had held me to account for my mistakes I would not be married to her – not that my mistakes have broken covenants. Please understand that relationships must be built on love and that no lasting worthwhile relationship can be built on pity parties or with blame games. Even with children I have learned that when they are not getting along the worse course of action is to try to determine who is at fault and attach blame to the guilty party that started it all.

I have learned a great deal from my sweet wife. For years I refused to ever say I was sorry about anything. No matter what if anyone was to express being sorry I left that to her. Now the first words out of my mouth whenever there is any disagreement with my wife is that I am sorry – and I mean it. Even when my wife thinks it is her fault, I tell her that it is her turn to be at fault and my turn to return her many years of pure kindness to me. It may sound silly but her faults are so insignificant. Ya – I do not deserve her and she deserve much better than me. Do you see what I just said? That knowledge is the great secret to having a wonderful fulfilling relationship.

There are times to end a relationship. It is never to protect yourself or what you want or desire but to protect others; your children, your spouse and your extended family. Yes – if you spouse is committing adultery and they are unable to abide by their sacred covenants then the marriage must end for their protection from the great damage they are doing to them self and the children. But if you are going to play a blame game and in anger seek revenge you will only destroy yourself in the effort.

And now I must apologize. I am sorry that I cannot express love and kindness better. Love and Kindness are difficult for me and takes a great deal of effort and most of the time I fall short. It is more natural for me to tell people they are stupid or crazy. But we should ask ourselves – “What would Jesus do?” What would he do with someone caught committing adultery?

Again I apologize – I need to stay away from the “Advice” part of the forum.

The Traveler

[Misshalfway]

“What would Jesus do?” What would he do with someone caught committing adultery?

I think there are lots of things Jesus would do and lots of things he wouldn't.

He would love both parties. He would heal wounds thru the obedience of those to parties. He would understand the depths of the pain and provide lessons and divines comforts thru the power of his healing influence. He would condemn the sin. He would invite them to go thy way and sin no more.

He would not condemn. He would not enable the sinner to continue in his sin. He would not look the other way. He would not sacrifice the chastity of women. He would not expect every emotional reaction to be a perfect one. He wouldn't condemn real reactions to trauma and betrayal.

More than anything he would gather both of them in and heal their wounds and bring them both back to wholeness.....if they let him.

[momoftwobabies]

I love my husband. I love him so much. I tell him all the time even through this. I have reacted so well concidering what I have gone through. I plan on trying to work through this. But I can't say right now what the future will be. I learn more and more things every day about the affair and it reopens the pain and hurt. He has never been honest with me except when he says he is so sorry and wants to fix the family. We went to the marriage councelor individually yesterday and he came hom saying there was more he needs to tell me tonight. He wants to take a few hours to talk about it and finally get everything out.... FINALLY???? I think I know and expect what is going to be said but I am dreading hearing more. I was confused at travelers post but there were some good points. But if he was in my shoes I wonder what he would do. Probably exactly the same thing I have. I have done well. I know I have. I have probably everything and reacted almost always the way I should and I know our heavenly father is proud of me.

[StrawberryFields]

It sounds to me like you are both trying to work through this.

I pray for the very best outcome for you and your family.

[BusyMom]

I am so sorry for your pain. It seems just when you are feeling peace, the wound is getting reopened and someone is pouring salt on it. From personal experience (not with this), this just stinks!! I hope you have a really good counselor, it makes a great deal of difference when going through a crisis. You will need help rebuilding your identity, getting stronger and feeling capable to deal with this, and knowing what you want. It will take time! Do not expect yourself to forgive him right away. You need to process your feelings and be able to make good, solid, inspiration based decisions. You will have to decide what is right for you. Sexual addictions are very difficult to work with; it will take a lot for him to overcome this...I am trying to give you some insight here, not scare you.

Please give yourself the gift of time and patience. Do not expect too much of yourself right now. Having been through a different crisis recently, allow yourself to buy conveinence foods, to cry, to not have all the housework done, and to take care of yourself. It will take time to get through this crisis. And you have a new baby!!! Look into some help right now, this is a gift to yourself. Maids, postpartum doulas, or nannies could be options to help you. This will give you rest, help with the household chores and children, and space to heal. Your health, your healing is absolutely essential to you and your family...it is not a luxury!!! Good luck! I hope you find yourself, your strength, and the path that is right for you and your family.

Busy Mom

[lilered]

I love my husband. I love him so much. I tell him all the time even through this. I have reacted so well concidering what I have gone through. I plan on trying to work through this. But I can't say right now what the future will be. I learn more and more things every day about the affair and it reopens the pain and hurt. He has never been honest with me except when he says he is so sorry and wants to fix the family. We went to the marriage councelor individually yesterday and he came hom saying there was more he needs to tell me tonight. He wants to take a few hours to talk about it and finally get everything out.... FINALLY???? I think I know and expect what is going to be said but I am dreading hearing more. I was confused at travelers post but there were some good points. But if he was in my shoes I wonder what he would do. Probably exactly the same thing I have. I have done well. I know I have. I have probably everything and reacted almost always the way I should and I know our heavenly father is proud of me.

I offer this as something to consider in response to Travelers Post. What has happened concerning your husbands infidelity is terrible and they are his sins, not yours. These are serious sins in the eyes of God and the church. Your husband must repent for his actions and repentance is a process. He must be willing to admit his wrong doing, be sorry for his actions, and take full responsiblity. Part of this process is his discussions with the Bishop. Only after he does this, will the process of forgiveness and healing begin. The Bishop will decide if any further actions are necessary as it pertains to your husband. This process s not meant to be easy nor short. I know of several spouses who have been through it and their marriage has blossomed as a result. I have however also know of instances where the marriage did not survive.

The thing I would encourage you to do is continue to pray, raise your children in a loving enviroment, attend church meetings and responsibilities. In short, do what you know is right. Meanwhile, let your husband determine what he wants to do as it pertains to meeting with the Bishop. After all, he is the one that has committed this grievioius sin.

Let matters take their course. God will answer your prayers. Remember souls are precious to God, but justice must be served. If you don't have a copy I would certaintly encourage you and he to read "The miracle of forgiveness by Spencer Kimball.

It is understandable that your trust in your husband has been destroyed and it may take years to repair it, but it is not impossible, but takes a lot of work on your husbands part. You meanwhile can continue to draw on the spirit to help heal your own heart and your life. Just don't do anything radicial for a bit, and let the Miracle of Forgiviness work its wonders

[Hemidakota]

"At times, it is better not to say anything and allow the spirit to work its course." Elder S____ S_____

[momoftwobabies]

Well, he wrote me a 3 page letter explaining everything that happened, which was a bit more than he told me, why he thinks it happened, how he feels now, an apology, what he has to do to fix things etc. He is meeting with the bishop soon too is seeing a councelor. He is also going to the doctor to get checked out. I can tell he is remorseful and sorry. I am really really trying. Every day is a struggle to see past thig but I can tell you that when I pray for strength and read my scriptures I feel much better. So I do it multiple times a day... this is going to be a long road. My husband and I never had problems all of a sudden we have the biggest problem a marraige could ever face and more. It's over whelming and painful.

[Hemidakota]

As I can see, you are showing great restraint and compassion. This is a unique quality that the Savior shows to us in our moments of weakness. You know, from our own observation viewpoint, at times, we cannot see the end of the tunnel since it is more oblique from our physical vision. Deity on the other hand can see the end in more than three dimensions. He may know that through these trial and errors, your husband and sealed companion could be a driving force in this world [church] and in your family further down the tunnel.

From where I stand, as we draw closer to Christ, our physical eyes will be replaced with our spiritual eyes. Now, we can clearly see His helping hand in our lives as make those deviations from the path which leads to the Tree of Life.

Yes, he may walked off the path and landed into the river, at least you made the attempt to rescued him from the drowning, he will recognize this later as the spirit will come back to him and make it manifested. The goal now, is to place back on the path and cling to the iron rod. Once you and your husband complete the journey in reaching the Tree of Life [see 1 Nephi], you will have the opportunity to taste of its fruit. The tunnel end will opened up to a new wonderous journey as eternalize sealed couple; reaping the greater rewards, while receiving and sharing the same blessing of inheritance of the Savior.

May I suggest in reading every ounce of material that deals with the Atonement, including Skousen’s version, that you may know of it, but literally feel it in your soul. It will be a blessing for your to come to know HIS beloved Son personally but help your bring back that knowledge to your beloved help meet [husband].

May GOD bless you that your eyes maybe open to see Deity, that your ears maybe able to hear the Spirit, and your voice will fill the air of love of GOD.

Thanks again for the update and your enduring patience towards what has happened to your family.

[MorningStar]

Well, he wrote me a 3 page letter explaining everything that happened, which was a bit more than he told me, why he thinks it happened, how he feels now, an apology, what he has to do to fix things etc. He is meeting with the bishop soon too is seeing a councelor. He is also going to the doctor to get checked out. I can tell he is remorseful and sorry. I am really really trying. Every day is a struggle to see past thig but I can tell you that when I pray for strength and read my scriptures I feel much better. So I do it multiple times a day... this is going to be a long road. My husband and I never had problems all of a sudden we have the biggest problem a marraige could ever face and more. It's over whelming and painful.

I'm relieved he didn't have a lot more to tell you. It sounds like he is making progress, although I know that doesn't really make things easier. Don't stop praying and I will pray for you too. :)

[THIRDpersonviewer]

Going along with Hemidakota, I suggest reading everything you can about the Law of Chastity. Read specific things, from prophets and scriptures regarding chastity. What happens is you fill your mind with the truth. And you know it is the truth. Do not look for interpretations from the Spirit, because the devil will be working also, and it will be hard to distinguish between the two. As your mind is filled with the truth. You gain strength to resist. You can forgive. You are opened up to more light and truth and become a stronger person. More resilient and more valiant in the gospel. You gain strength. Temptations have less power over you because there is no doubt over what is right. Have your husband, read as well. When both of you work together, then you grow together. Don't just leave him to suffer for his sins. Don't exact justice on the man. He made a mistake. You make mistakes.(just not with such severity.) Your marriage covenant(I'm assuming since I haven't been to the temple for anything other than baptisms) mentions that you would support him and that you would be faithful in all things to him. All things is a literal meaning. When it says ALL things, it means ALL things. The more types of readings that he does like this, the more remorse he will feel, if he is truly repentant. This will make for a quicker restitution, better resolve, and less temptation. He will be cut to the center, or to the heart, because he is guilty. That doesn't mean you should let him fall by the wayside.

What did the Lord say, "I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of man I require that they forgive all men." (not sure of the reference) Anyways this includes your husband.

This may be hard to see, but I feel like this will actually strengthen your marriage. It shows that you both can get through the hard times. Just think, if you can get through this, anything will feel almost like a breeze.

The Lord loves YOU!

[jjrogers]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please understand it will take you a long time to trust your husband again. What he did was devastating. I know that Christ can help you with this burdern and help you know what to do. One of my dear friends had this happen to her. They have been able to rebuild their marriage over the last 7 years. If you are both willing to work at it, it can be done. If he isn't willing to work at it or you aren't it won't work.

[mill1]

I just scanned this forum, and, having been through and still in the process on this myself, must add something. First, think of the story of Brigham Young standing at general conference and stating that the business of that meeting is rescuing the Willey handcart company, that all the prayers won't save them, only food, clothing and shelter will save them. Most of what I have read here fits the bill of prayers - not meat and and potatoes. I have personally grown tired of advice to read scriptures and pray, not that they aren't essential, but they don't help manage the day-to-day pain, and they don't really offer answers to the "how tos." So let me offer some meat. Several books you MUST read as fast as you can get your hands on them, I don't have the authors with me, but the names are accurate - Love Must be Tough by James Dobson, that tells you how to end the affair by creating a conflict. Not an angry conflict, simply a very tactful way to draw the line. The key is to let them know that you love them enough to let them go. It is amazing what telling this to someone will do. Much of an affair is the secrecy and excitement. When the door is suddenly opened, the cheater is completely disarmed. Second, How to Survive an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs - both by Willar Harley. Chapters 4 and 5 of How to Survive are about ending an affair. There must be a very clear end before you can begin to rebuild. Some very good information. Third, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Read from cover to cover, then have your husband read it. A lot for both the betrayed spouse and the cheater. A lot of info that will help both you and your husband understand how and why things like this can happen, as well as some good coaching. Next, go to How to Survive An Affair -Sales and sign up for the free emails. Dr. Guzburg has some wonderful articles that he sends out weekly. A must read. He also has a book about how to rebuild that I have not yet purchased. Pay particular attention to the articles about how to re-build trust, and make sure your husband reads them. Next, go to Surviving Infidelity and Recovering From Affairs - Beyondaffairs.com and sign up for Ann Brecht's emails. She and her husband also do telephone coaching and have weekend seminars for re-building.

Yes, don't forget your bishop, scriptures or prayer, but you will do yourself a world of good by getting your hands on some meat and potatoes. I think all bishops should be required to read these books so they have a better understanding of what happens in the minds and hearts of people who cheat. It is not as simple as I used to believe, nor as simple as most religiously committed people believe. This does not change responsibility or accountability, but it helps understanding.

As Ann Brecht told me, read and educate yourself before you make any rash decisions. I can't recommend this material strong enough. I would plead for you or anyone else reading this string to do the same. I have not found any resources in the church, including their programs on addiction or marraige to compare.

Other very good sites are Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice. This is Willard Harley's web site. Tons of stuff here.

Bottom line, take action, read and learn, and ask your husband to do the same. As some authors put it, this is temporary insanity, and in many cases is like an addiction. Prayers help. Most bishops are ill prepared to assist, as is the case with many professional LDS counselors. You need help from those who have dedicated their work to surviving and rebuilding.

[mill1]

The web sites did not show up correctly.

How to Survive An Affair -Sales

Surviving Infidelity and Recovering From Affairs - Beyondaffairs.com

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

[mill1]

One final point to all of those espousing reading about chastity, the atonement etc. Again, those are important, but I would bet her husband can probably quote most of this material. When an affair happens, even if it hasn't turned sexual, you must develop priorities, and the first priority is to get the relationship back on stronger ground, then tackle chastity and the atonement. Yes, he is guilty, but he may not really feel guilty until he deals with the issues of what he has done to his spouse and family. I discovered that scripture thumping, so to speak, was ineffictive early on, and is only now beginning to be effiective with the relationship getting back on track. As the church has learned through it philanthropic efforts, you can't teach people the gospel if they are starving and cold. Take care of the basic needs first, then move to the spiritual.