Gwen

I was thinking it sounded pretty normal as well. That is why so many parents let the tv "babysit". If I need to get something done the tv is a great distractor. I would be preparing him for the new arrival if you haven't started. Talk about the fun of a sibling but also make sure he understands that brand new babies mostly sleep and eat. If mom will be nursing he needs to be prepared for that aspect of it. You can also start teaching him the words he will need to express frustration later. Like when you get home and need to talk to your wife for a little bit tell him he needs to go play it's "mommy daddy time". But then when you are done tell him how much you missed him and now you need some "daddy little shirts time". Then, hopefully lol, after the baby comes instead of throwing a fit or demanding attention he can tell you he needs some "little shirts time". In my opinion kids 1 and 3 are the hardest. With 1 it's all you for entertainment (that's where you are). With 2 they can kinda entertain each other when old enough. With 3 it's the first time you are out numbered (hands and parents) and you have to learn a whole new way to do things. After 4 it's pretty much the same. lol

If he's not sharing the bills and talking to you about decisions now he won't after you get married. Saying "equal say" and doing it aren't the same thing. Many churches and counseling facilities will do free pre-marriage classes/counseling. Start doing some investigating and see if you can't find something to get started. There does have to be choice between "me" and "the kids". That happens in all relationships where kids are involved, even when the kids belong to the both of you. There will be times when you have to make a choice. Baby needs to nurse/eat but mom and dad need cuddle time... guess what... lol Mom and dad need a date but all the field trip deposits are due and there is only so much in the paycheck.... got to make a choice. Some decisions are more clear than others. The two of you need to talk now about where the lines are, what the needs are. His are not the only kids that need providing for. In my situation I supported my husband completely where his son was concerned. I never nagged about child support, etc. There did come one point where she wanted more money and it would hurt our kids. I did not support that and told my husband to fight it 100%. Which we did and she didn't win... though we are still paying off lawyer fees.... sigh. We are supposed to pay child support until 19 but his son is talking about a mission. If he leaves at 18 I refuse to pay her money if he's not in the house. The money is for him not her. We will take that to court. I have no issue paying the child support as long as it goes to the child, we'll see if we can get it rewritten to pay him instead of her. Those were my boundaries, you have to decide what yours are.

I would sort this out before the wedding (even if it means postponing the wedding). Pre-marriage counseling might be a good idea. Do you have a plan on what you will do financially after the wedding? Still going to keep separate accounts and a yours vs mine deal or is everything coming together as one with an equal say in what/when/how things get paid? Fights over money is one of the big reasons stated for divorce. It will not get easier with a second marriage. Sort it out now.

I don't know if this is the song he's talking about but it's the one that came to my mind when I read his post. lol It's one of my favorites.

I don't know about your state or divorce papers but I know many places you can not remarry anyone other than your ex spouse for 6 mo. to a 1 yr. You may not be able to get married soon. Were you sealed to your ex? Do you want to be sealed to the new guy? If yes then it will be rather difficult. On the paperwork for sealing clearance one of the big questions is was the new relationship an issue in the divorce. They don't like to approve sealings for adulterers.

I think part of this depends on what is being called a mental illness. The world calls a lot of things mental illness that I don't believe are in the lord's eyes. I do believe they exist and can make life harder but it's not an "illness". May need accommodations but not "treatment" or "cures". I have learning disabilities. It's not an illness and in a lot of ways makes me better. I have some children with Asperger's. It's not an illness and in a lot of ways makes them better. They are not broken and don't need fixing. I have a family member that suffered serious abuse as a child, she developed multiple personalities as a result. That needed fixing, but really the "fixing" came from dealing with the abuse she suffered. However, ironically, before she was diagnosed she had cancer and the dr's were astounded at her ability to function through the treatments. It was because of her multiples she was able to survive the cancer as well as she did. I don't believe the lord gives ppl their mental issues, that is part of the imperfections of this world. But I do believe with proper treatment and efforts to follow him he can make great things come from it. I think the lord does understand mental issues as a reason for mercy and understanding but I do not believe it's an excuse to do evil anymore than he accepts the natural man as an excuse. Yes he loves us for who we are but not as we are. Every commandment out there is about change. We came here to change, to become like him. We are commanded to rise above what we are and become more, that mighty change of heart. We may spend our whole lives trying and due to mental illness never be successful but the effort will be rewarded the same.

Is the time of day she cries consistent? Can you plan to be away from your mom during that time? Is your mom the type that you can sit down and talk this out with (at a time when she is rested and not been listening to the crying)? Explain that you are stressed too but the changes are working and need more time. Let her know why you are hesitant on the meds, etc. Let her know that her stress is making it harder for you to be 100% there for the baby through this and that is what you need to be doing right now..... Might work?

I'm inclined to go with coincidence here as well. I have gotten answers to prayers through music before but it's usually one specific song that touches me after I've prayed. Rarely is it when I've not asked and instantly to my thoughts on the subject. One of the principles of the gospel is we should ask. You should also consider what you ask. I dated a guy that I knew I was supposed to date but I also knew I was not supposed to marry. I didn't have to pray to know this, it was very powerful and I knew. So my prayers were not about marriage but "why? what was I supposed to learn from or give this relationship?" I didn't get the answer for a long time, when I finally met my husband. I believe that sometimes god does choose our companion (just because I think it was true for me does not mean I think it's true for everyone). It is still our agency to accept or reject that is never gone. There has been more than one time in my life that what I desperately wanted (not unrighteous desires) I was told the lord wanted something different from me.

A few things to consider.... Are the changes working (reducing the amt of crying) and just need more time or has everything pretty much stayed the same? Yes mom's experience is nice but you are the one with stewardship for this baby, trust your mommy instincts. (Unless you are wanting to bail that 45 min onto your mom to deal with then that might change my thoughts. lol) In the grand scheme of things you and I know 45 min isn't a big deal (even for pain) you deal with it. But this isn't you or I. If this is reflux her throat is burning when you feed her (which for a baby should be the most restful and peaceful time of their little existence). She is in enough pain to cry for 45 min straight. I'm not a big fan of meds and my older kids I make breath (deal with the pain) and get control of themselves before I will give pain meds. It's important to learn how to deal with things as they come and not just panic. But she's not an older kid, you can't talk her through this, and she can't understand. For her 45 min is forever. If you can make this go away is it worth it to wait? For an infant, personally, I think I would be inclined to give the meds. But every parent is different and must cost/benefit that. All meds have some other impact on the body. Again, trust your instincts, you will know what is best for your baby, no one else has a right to judge that.

Martin, It didn't sound to me like you were saying you would force anything. You have a right, and should, put rules in place in your home for adult children and you have a right to decide what you will and will not fund. I have no issues with that. My "make" comment was about the comment where it was suggested "You should make her go to college and after she graduates and still wants to go than it can be allowed as long as she has her degree already done". (post 27) A very controlling statement. What I think it sounds like (from post 21) you got from this thread is that all is not lost if your daughter chooses a mission before (as part of) college. Which is all I think most intended. Just a sharing of perspective like you asked for. Just wanted to clarify that my "make" criticism wasn't directly aimed at you. Looking at it now I realize that wasn't made very clear. lol

Talk to the bishop to continue to progress. If you haven't gotten one, make patriarchal blessing the first goal on your list. If you do have one then it's time to read it again and again; pray to really understand what it means. Only christ gets to decide who belongs in his church and I think he pretty much included everyone he met.

You can't give him what you don't have, won't make it any easier but it's a fact of life. If you don't have the income you can't keep paying the rent. If he renewed it then I'm guessing it's his name on the lease. So tell him you can't afford it and he shouldn't have renewed without consulting you. It's on him to make the payments or get evicted. If it's your name on the lease then he didn't have the authority to renew it. So call the landlord and let them know they screwed up and you did not intend to renew nor does your son have that authority. They need to redo the lease with your son or evict him. I would not accept any penalty for their screw up. If he is disabled enough to get government assistance to survive then it does not seem unreasonable to get a mental health evaluation. I would guess there could be many reasons he says he feels other emotions. Some of those might be helped with medication. He may really be feeling something, if he is then he needs to get help to learn to cope with that. If he can get a job and he's not a danger to anyone then he's got the right to live a secluded life, there is nothing wrong with that. I can understand how it would be hard on you.

It's also important to remember that a "child" considering a mission vs college is an adult. You can't and shouldn't "make" them do anything. It's also not healthy for the parent/adult child relationship.

I was going to say I missed the cursing when watching the video and thus it did change things a bit.... however, if the teacher cursed at him first as far as I'm concerned (though still out of line) no punishment for the cursing should be given. I also think the teacher instigated it by her immature action and stand by my original feelings on this. And yes I am aware that not everyone feels the same and I don't see it as an "I'm right, you're wrong" situation. It's open to interpretation. lol Maybe this will inspire him to go into teaching. He can pass on the good learned from the hard lessons of his youth.

I have not been where you are so I can't say I know how you feel. I can attempt to understand what you are communicating from your post but I don't have anything helpful to say. There is a song that I find comforting (maybe because it expresses my emotion) when I'm feeling alone. So I figured why not share that.... may not be helpful but I don't think it can hurt.

I know the feeling. It can sometimes be in a room full of ppl that you are "friends" with. Sometimes there is just a disconnect that leaves the alone feeling. Wish I could help you not feel so alone.

I don't advocate buying more than you can afford. You definitely have to consider how you will make the payments if life gets harder instead of better. But I think you can consider long term and be reasonable at the same time. If after considering all options you plan to buy knowing you will have to move in 5-10 yrs that's fine. Just know the risks going in. Talk to the banks and be in control of your home buying experience. Don't let the banks or realtor tell you what your family can afford or should have. Home buying is a big decision, make sure you are in charge of the experience. One of the things we did that made home buying much less stressful is before house shopping we did our bank shopping. We picked the bank that was going to offer us the best rate based on who we were. But instead of letting them tell us how much they would loan we told them... this is our down payment amt and this is the max mortgage payment we'll accept. How much of a house can we buy with that? The loan officer did a lot of work but sent us an email with about 5 different home prices and what the mortgage payment would be with the numbers we gave her. Once we knew where we stood and had pre approval in hand it was easy to house shop. I called a realtor and said "I'm buying a house. Here's what I'm looking for...... Can you help me?" I was serious and she knew it. The next day we were looking at about 6 houses. If I said no we walked away, no questions or pressure. If I wanted to come back and look 5 times she entertained that too. We made offers on about 4 houses inside of a couple months. lol If the seller wasn't willing to talk business I figured they didn't want to sell and we walked away. We ended up buying a foreclosure (this week will be 1 yr) and it's been great.

I guess I should clarify some things. Educators should not be diagnosing. That's not their job. But an educator can say "I see some cause for concern, this child should be evaluated by a qualified professional." That is part of their job. second, We all have strengths and weaknesses. For every weakness we are given a strength. We are in this world but not of it. God created a lot of different ppl with a lot of different skill sets. God doesn't work in boxes. I don't see my learning disabilities as "disabilities". I see my my issues as learning differences that come with pros and cons. I suck as spelling and a lot of other "language" issues (I'm sure I annoy the heck out of ppl here with it. lol). But the same "disability" that makes spelling hard makes me good at other things (like watching 5 children at once lol). I love who I am and would not trade my "disabilities" for anything. I don't think god made me "broken" or "less". The world created a box for educating and anyone that didn't fit in their box they called disabled. I'm in this world and have to accept that. So yes I will say "I have learning disabilities". That's a product of accepting being in this world. I do not accept that statement as a defining moment for my self worth or value as to what I have to contribute. Third, disabilities should never be used as an excuse to not excell. Having a disability does not always require medication, in fact most do not. It is a reason you have to do things differently to excel. The purpose in identifying children isn't so you can write them off and not put effort in. It's so you know how they learn so you can help them. The first step in anything is recognizing the issue, if you don't know what disability the child has you don't know how to help them learn. Yes I agree the greatest education comes in the home. However, most learning disabilities are genetic. That means the parents have them too. If the parents were never identified and have no idea then they can't help their kids. I know many parents that were diagnosed after their kids. At first they would brush off the issues with things like "they just take after mom/dad". But then when the child is identified they start thinking, "wait, this explains a lot about me. I'm just like that." If the parent doesn't know should the schools (supposedly educated professionals) not assist in teaching the parents? My son was diagnosed with asperger's at 11 yrs old. With all the learning disabilities in my family how did I miss that? It was one I was not familiar with. Someone had to point it out to me and teach me what that means and what I need to do different for him to succeed. We worked as a team, that's how it should be. I'm not advocating unfairly putting teachers on the chopping block. However, I think it is unfairly putting kids on the chopping block to just hold them back without investigation. If a child is not keeping up "normally" then it should be investigated as to why. I only support rules to hold them back on one criteria alone if it comes with proper evaluations. There is a huge difference in the message sent to the child with "you didn't learn to read by 3rd grade so you get held back"... how many times do we do this? How does that break a child? vs telling a child "you didn't learn to read but look what we found.. this is why.. if we teach you this way you can learn. let's stay back a yr and catch you up." By the way most of the world's "geniuses", the ones that have changed our very way of life, would be "disabled" by todays criteria.

The parents don't need insurance to have evaluations for disabilities done. I'm not sure which part is federal law and which is state but I know here the school is obligated to "find and diagnose" disabilities. They are supposed to provide the family with that as well as any help the child may need at no cost to them. If a child can't read by 3rd grade then they need to be evaluated for a disability, that is obviously not a "normal" situation. Seems like a pretty simple concept. It's part of the school's responsibility.

I don't think it was staged because the ym said in a later interview he didn't know the video was out there. And there was a lot before he got up to leave (he left because she kept saying "get out of my class" not because he was "storming out"). Seems to me it really was an impassioned plea from him. I didn't perceive him as shouting. I saw emotion and passion but not shouting. Shouting would have been out of line and should be disciplined. There was also no name calling that I saw - that too I would have an issue with. I don't recall any cursing - which would need to be disciplined. I would not have an issue with my teenager talking to me that way if I needed the correction. Sometimes my kids do correct me and not always "politely" but in the way they know how. The adult who can't hear what is being said to them simply because "you are a child" is too prideful. Even the scriptures talk about a child leading. Part of the reason so many kids rebel is because they are not heard, they learn they won't be listened to. So they take control of the power in their life by force. Kids are brilliant and insightful, we need to be listening. Acknowledge what they are saying and then if need be course correct the methodology.

LOL I agree with you. My husband bought a "starter home" before we were married. It doesn't always take 10 yrs to fill them up. lol We spent at least 7ys overcrowded while we tried to get the money together to find a new house we could afford without having to first sell the one we were in (because nothing was selling). And now that we have that new home we are having to rent out the one we had because we'd like to get some of the value out of it and .... nothing is selling. It's quite the headache. On the other hand given the fact that we were not married when he purchased it gave me the opportunity to help pick our "real home". That is an important couple thing to do. lol If you know you want a big family then go ahead and plan for that. A home is a "long term" purchase, buy with "long term" in mind. Buying and selling aren't as easy as the realtor wants you to think. Remember that's how they make money, of course they want you to buy/sell often. Another thing to keep in mind is if you are getting a special rate loan as a first time home buyer... use that opportunity up on a "starter home" you won't get that great rate next go around. Keep that in mind as you save/plan for your "real home's" down payment and mortgage.

We don't really know exactly what happened before to start the rant. Because of that I have a hard time saying if it was worthy of being expelled. I didn't see it as public humiliation, it was public criticism. It sounded to me like he was pushed over an edge. We are all guilty of that from time to time. Part of growing up is learning how to handle those feelings when we have them. As far as high school kids go I'm sure he kept it rather respectful and articulate. However, I was disappointed, I think he could have done a better job of being both. lol I had to stand up to a couple of teachers in school, it was hard, very very hard. Being able to stand up to authority on something that is right is a huge step in growing up. All that said there are consequences to things we say/do. He has to suck it up and take that part as well. He needs to apologize (not necessarily for what was said, that might be true, but how he said it) and calmly accept whatever reasonable consequences come. No using the media to get out of it. If it was my child I would have his back. I would encourage him to accept the consequences as they came and apologize for the way he acted. As for the point he was making I'd have his back in that too. I had teachers like that and it's very hard to learn. Someone has to correct the teachers, if their peers won't do it why not the students? As a teacher I would have made it a teaching opportunity. He would have been the "guest teacher" for the next chapter. Show me how it's done. Then I'd let the students critique him, I would critique him. Then the student with the loudest complaints would get to teach the next chapter and so on. But then teachers who are that proactive in the classroom probably aren't just handing out worksheets. lol I guess I don't see it as the huge deal it's being made to be. He's not a hero but he's not a criminal either.

If a child can't read by the third grade you either have a lousy teacher or a child with disabilities. I would feel better if they automaticly required evaluations for children that can't read by the third grade. They may need to stay back to learn what they missed (or you could offer summer school) but if you don't identify the disability then you aren't helping the child by holding them back. You just end up giving them more of what didn't work (isn't that the definition of insanity?). If no disabilities are found maybe teacher's job should be in question? I respect teachers and know they have a thankless job. However, that doesn't change they have a job. Everywhere else in the world if you can't do your job you lose it to someone who can. Teaching shouldn't be any different. Every child can learn.

If she is scared what are you doing to reassure her? I'm a firm believer in the idea that the apology should be as big as the mess up. We can't always fix what we did but if we did something big we can apologize in a big way. lol Being in the position of the one trying to improve things while the other isn't is a tough place to be. Though significantly slower than if both were working together progress can still be made. It will probably get harder before it gets better. Find the right course and hold on with all you have always keeping in mind which part is yours.

Sounds like you both have been through a lot. I understand your desire to return to the church and how much good that could be for you. However, from my perspective, your wife deserves a lot of respect for what she has been through with you. I can't help but think with a lot of prayer the lord can show you a way to get your life clean and save your marriage, the both of you could have so much. Given how little I know about you take this for what it's worth. lol Don't push the church on her, keep the church about recovery. Seek counseling, individual and marriage. As you start to change for the better and she seeks to know why you can introduce the principles of the gospel that have changed you. Let her see the church was good not have to trust you with no evidence. I don't know what area you are in but here there are amazing family counseling facilities where they base cost on income/need. They have group counselors that can see the kids at the same time (different counselor) as your visits. Then the counselors work together (sharing only what is necessary) to help the family as a whole not just one person. Looking into something like that might be great for you.