Gwen

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Everything posted by Gwen

  1. Is she also a drug user? How does she feel about your desire to become clean as a whole (not necessarily your choice of method)? What is her opinion on faith/religion in general, it's clear she doesn't care for the LDS church?
  2. I know someone that while having difficulty conceiving they prayed about another child. They didn't get a "no" but a comforting "things will happen when it's time". They tried for a couple yrs before being able to conceive. I guess that's not really a "no" so much as a "not right now". Just before conceiving they prayed about if they should seek fertility assistance and the answer was "no". Not quite what you were asking but the closest I got. lol
  3. I knew, also because I knew a couple that had each lost their eternal companions and were civilly married in the temple.
  4. Holding hands to pray is very common in the south. We've done it on occasion. I think it comes from being able to control the kids during prayer. lol They can't sneak food or poke a sibling if we are holding hands. The down sides I've seen from folding arms is with the kids. Mine will put their arms up over their face (which means you can't hear them if it's their turn to say the prayer) or lay their head down on the table like it's nap time. lol I know a few that raise their hands above their heads. Not the "everyday" prayer but when they are in sincere or feeling the spirit strongly prayer. Ever tried it? It's a very different feeling. I have a few theories on that posture but I won't go into it here. lol I know very few who clasp their hands to pray but it's a known and accepted position. It's seen in a lot of paintings and artwork. I'm not sure the specific posture makes a huge difference. I too have casual conversations with god while driving alone or doing chores. I try to make sure my kids know there are different ways so that they are not thrown off when visiting others and they do something different. When in someone's home you pray how they pray, no need to feel awkward. Should serve them well if they choose to go on a mission as well. We should embrace different spiritual experiences not be afraid of them. I'm not inclined to believe the early saints folded their arms to pray unless someone has a reference to when/why it was started. I think a lot of their early church traditions probably came with them. Joseph did teach after all that we don't need to give anything up to be part of the gospel, bring all the good you have and let us add unto it.
  5. Gwen

    Colic.

    My sister has 2. Her first she was told was colic. The second spit up a lot and they discovered reflux. Now that she is learning about it because of him she is thinking her first wasn't colic but less severe reflux. Mine never had it so I can't say much more than that. I do recall my sister talking about constantly asking the dr about her daughter's "watery breathing". He would always check her lungs and say she was fine. Looking back she thinks that was the acid in her throat causing a wet sound to her breathing but not in her lungs. Good luck. I hope you find an answer for your sanity and your baby's.
  6. Gwen

    Colic.

    Has the dr checked for acid reflux? It's not always serious enough to cause spitting up but can still burn the throat.
  7. The church takes family obligations very seriously. My guess.... Maybe, and it's a huge maybe, if you have enough in the bank to meet your future financial obligations before leaving then you may be able to get some exception. But that doesn't address the spiritual obligation you have to raising your son and teaching him the gospel and being a good dad in his life. There is a lot you can do other than a full time mission and still build yourself up. Go on splits as much as possible with the missionaries in your area. I'm sure they would love the support. Have them over for dinner with you and your son once a week or more. We all know they need to eat. Have family home evenings where you invite friends to listen to the missionaries. I'm sure there is a ton you can do in the ward as well. Home teaching always needs a boost, strengthening the ward is also missionary work. You can fill all your spare time (don't neglect your son for those things) doing spiritual things. It could be great for your son to have the missionaries as a regular part of your lives.
  8. My first thought was does she reverse these feelings when she initiates? Does she not really love you? Does she apologize to the extent that she expects you to? You said she is struggling with depression... is she receiving counseling? If not she may want to consider it. Not just for the depression but it seems she has some misconceptions about the body and sexuality. That could lead to problems for her later when "it's ok". If you do get more serious and decide to get married I would suggest considering some pre-marital counseling. Based on what you describe there are some red flags you need to address. Not just what is happening (need to behave yourself) but more the reaction to what has happened.
  9. I picked out the red flags I see and none of it has to do with mission vs education. It sounds like she needs to learn to work. School is hard. There is no such thing as "just" a stay at home mom... like that will be easy? Let me tell ya if she wants to learn what "stay at home mom" means she can come spend the summer with me. I promise you she'll get an education she can't get at school. lol It's hard. It's work. Being a stay at home mom is not the easy way out. "Just" get married? Marriage is work. And sometimes it's hard. Most of the ppl I was in the youth program with have been divorced or near it and had to fight for the marriage they have. Marriage is not the easy way out. To be honest being in school living "on my own" was the easiest I've ever had it. (I say "on my own" because some might debate if I was ever "on my own" due to the support I did receive from my parents.) I have a sister who went to school and lived on her own and she expressed fears of getting married because she had become so comfortable in having things "her way" for so long. She would say that it was an easier time than things are now being married and a stay at home mom. Now is when she is really working and life gets really hard. Not that it's not worth it but that it's hard work. I say let her go on a mission. Not because I'm biased toward missions, I don't care it's her decision. lol But, having never been on a mission, as I understand it a mission will teach her the things she needs right now. She will learn to work, do things that are hard, what it's like to live with someone, etc. As someone pointed out it will also give her a chance to learn independence and who she is with a relative safety net. It's a lot of money and sometimes a waste of time to switch majors and what not while you "figure out what to do with life". A mission would buy that time to figure out who she is and what she wants to do without wasting a lot of time and money. Sounds like it would be good for her. Oh the offer to spend some time with me is always open as well. lol
  10. If someone has a disability that limits how far the can progress (IQ, ability to read, etc) then it's totally understandable to accept their best. The problem is so many accept less because some dr said so and don't push themselves or their kids. I've worked with a girl whose parents were told she would NEVER read due to her disability. Guess what? Not only did this girl learn to read but by the time she graduated high school with all A's she didn't need a tutor because she had learned her accommodations so well. Not accommodations others did for her but the work she did for herself because "I can't" wasn't ever accepted. It was always "you can, if you do it this way". I know ppl with autism whose parents told when they were little that they were too far down the spectrum and would never be independant. Guess what? mom and dad didn't accept that. They taught everything the child would learn. With help they are now adults (though still living at home) who dress themselves, do chores, hold down a simple job, drive, cook, etc. Things the dr said would never happen. My point wasn't that there aren't limits to ppl. We all have limits in something. It's don't accept excuses. Find the BEST they can be and achieve that. My son, due to learning disabilities, worked his butt off for a D in reading. I knew how hard he worked and I celebrated that D with the same energy I celebrated A's. It's not about A's or D's, it's about was it his best? Were there no excuses?
  11. Ok so another thought. lol I think another contributor to the problem is the increased knowledge of learning differences. When I was diagnosed with my learning disabilities the attitude was "So? You learn differently. Let's figure out how you learn and do what you need to." It was NEVER an excuse to not do my best or fail to keep up with my peers with educational expectations. Just because I did something different didn't make it wrong, bad or less. It was expected that I could and I would. However, I found that not to be true among the other kids I knew with similar issues. I heard a lot of "I can't because I have...." "I'm not expected to do that." "I can't help it." With my son being diagnosed Asperger's recently I've joined some groups to learn more. It's a great resource for support but it also floors me the attitude some have. I can't count the times I've seen parents say their child isn't expected to learn to fit into this world because they are different. Guess what? There isn't any other world to be in so you'd better learn to function in it. That doesn't mean they can't be themselves. It doesn't mean they aren't wonderful ppl. It might mean it's a little harder for them but that doesn't excuse them from learning social norms and how to function with everyone else. These parents are fighting a losing battle, their children being the ones who will lose. "My child is going to be who they are and the world better accept them." Great! And when they want to get a job and have to wear a uniform or say the same stupid thing every time someone walks through the door? If they say "oh but that's not 'me'." they will lose the job. Good job mom/dad. Part of our role as parents is to teach our kids how to be themselves, have ethics, morals, etc and still fit into the world. We all make "adjustments" to who we are to fit into certain situations. That's not being fake. Expect your kids to do things. Don't teach them how to make excuses. When we make excuses they learn they are above work or some kinds of work. When you learn there are no excuses you learn to work, do what it takes, no matter what.
  12. I think it's partly a result of having fewer and fewer kids. (I'm sure my opinion is biased because I have a lot of kids. lol) When you have 2 incomes and one kid it changes your life style. There are other things we've been asked to do that will also naturally teach work by the nature of the activity; plant a garden, be involved in service projects, the faith in god, scouting, yw's programs all include service of some kind, family dinners and fhe.... If you only have one kid it's easy to buy the latest gadget. When you have 5 you have to make the hard decisions... you make your kids make hard decisions. You can have A but it means there won't be money for B.... which do you want most? You learn very quickly you can't have it all.... which is a good thing to learn because you shouldn't have it all. Kids go through a phase where they want to help do things but it's hard to let them. It takes longer, probably won't be done right, takes patience to teach them, etc. It's easier to do it yourself. When you have more kids you need their help. They get to do things. Pulling your own weight is essential. I have found with my kids if I let them help when they are interested they keep helping as they get older. Some of the rules in our house are if you want to eat you help in some way. Help cook, set the table, something. If you don't help you don't eat. If you eat you help clean up. They learn with every "fun" activity there is work to be done before and after. They want to make a fire and have marshmallows... sounds fun, go gather the wood, find a roasting stick, etc. When we're done you have to clean up the wrappers and mess we created, get to cart water to make sure the fire is properly extinguished, bring in the chairs, etc. I've started doing less of their laundry, they are old enough. If they complain that what they wanted to wear to school isn't clean they get no sympathy from me. I ask them regularly how they are on school clothes, if they need to bring a load out for washing. If they need help I'll help them but even 5 yr olds can help with laundry in some way. I'm not going to do what you can do for yourself, there is too much to be done for that. (I should post the pic I put on fb of my son helping with the wash. lol) One yr they wanted to take a big trip so we talked to them and decided that instead of bday gifts we would take the summer and bday money and do a big trip. We went to Nauvoo during the pageants. We spent a couple of weeks, took several days to get there and back making fun stops along the way, camped when we got there, went to all the gift shops. It was a blast. Not the first complaint about not having bday gifts. We did still do cake/ice cream and their choice for dinner on their bday. The next yr they did ask if they would get gifts. lol But they understood the sacrifice they were making, they understood the concept of making a choice and accepted it happily. No regrets, in fact they have come up with a plan that every 5 yrs we should do it again. lol Kids are capable of understanding. It's the parents that forget how much they can really do and fail to teach them. Yes it means sometimes there are painful learning curves, accidents happen. So far they have all become better for the things we make (and let) them do. Of course none of mine are grown yet so I can't really say how well the plan is working. lol
  13. When I was in the hospital just after having #5 two cleaning ladies came in to care for my room. As they were working they were talking about a woman in town that I knew who was about to have her 6th. They went on and on about how sad it was that she just stayed home with all those kids. "And can you believe she has a college degree!" I just had to shake my head. This family had the father's career income, they owned a local business and rental properties. Guess who managed the business and rental properties while dad worked? She also home schooled all her children. She was using her degree more than many ppl and she was taking care of her family. But no one seemed to understand that because "she was just a stay at home mom".
  14. When my kids learned new things (especially potty training) that would frustrate them I would remind them that even Jesus pooped his pants and had to potty train. I'm sure he fell as he learned to walk and his mom probably smacked his hand for trying to touch a hot pot. He had to learn a physical body like the rest of us. Does that mean I'm teaching my kids that Jesus wasn't perfect? I don't think so and I would never use those words. I don't see my kids as imperfect because they have to learn a physical body, that's why we came here after all. I've always found the story of when Christ was 12 and teaching in the temple interesting. It brings me comfort that if someone good enough to be the mother of christ could lose her kid for a few days then I'm not doing so bad. lol But I have always wondered about Jesus' part in that. Why did he wander off without telling his parents where he was going? I know he answered Mary's question about being about his father's business but still..... doesn't respect, courtesy, honoring your parents call for telling mom where you are going? I'm not sure I would call that a sin, maybe chalk it up with the other "learning curves". Just an interesting one to ponder on. lol Was Jesus perfect? yes, that's the accepted doctrine and what should be taught in church. I would say don't be afraid to speak up right then and there and challenge for references, even if it's the teacher or stake leaders. I've done it, and I've been challenged. lol We are more than comfortable to stop the discussion and ask for references on things that are said, not always because we don't think it's right but we want to learn and seek it for ourselves. If someone doesn't have it in front of them they comment that they will bring it next week. Sometimes that info is shared privately the next week to those who asked and sometimes it's part of the opening exercises. I guess that's the advantage to being in a small branch?
  15. I've always taken the idea that "god knows what we are going to do" as less literal. To me it means he knows us that well. Are there ppl in your life that if you walked up and asked for something crazy you know exactly how they would respond? Not because you control the response but because you know them that well. I recall a youth fireside where they were talking about how well we know our parents. The speaker asked "what would your parents say if you went home tonight and asked to take skydiving lessons?" My sister and I laughed, we both knew... Mom would say she didn't like it but if it was important enough for us to save the money to do it then it was ok with her. Dad would say ok as long as he came with us. Other kids laughed at us. So we went home and very seriously informed our parents that we had decided we wanted to go skydiving. It played out exactly as we thought it would, dad was even a little disappointed when he found out we weren't serious that it was an experiment based off the fireside. lol Did we take away our parents agency? nope, didn't control their responses or anything. Did we know what they would say/do? yup. I can do the same with my kids. I know if I present an idea one way I will get resistance, if I go about it another I will get full support. Not because my kids don't have a choice in response but because I've gotten to know them. That's how I see god when I hear "he knows what you will do". Sometimes my kids surprise me but it's nothing I can't deal with. I think our heavenly father is the same. Sometimes we surprise him but it's nothing he can't deal with.
  16. I just got my boys suits at burlington coat. Will be going soon to look for a suit for my husband. Years ago one of our boys threw up on my husband and suit. I took it to be cleaned and they turned us away. lol They told me to take it home and run it through a cold, delicate, rinse cycle. Air dry and then bring it back and they would clean it. I ended up never going back. My boys make messes of their suits and we wash them regularly (for suits anyway). Cold, delicate, rinse cycle and then dry in the febreze dry clean bags. Lately we've not used the bags, just tumble on air dry, if too wrinkled then we use the steam setting. If the suits are really dirty then I'll use just a bit of oxy and a cold delicate full wash cycle. I can't make any promises this will work for your suits but we haven't run into any problems yet. lol Of course spot clean between washing if needed.
  17. The friend magazine is great. Read and discuss a story for FHE or just read one at bedtime. My kids also loved acting out scripture stories (your's might be a bit young but will be old enough in no time). Learn a simple primary song (and what it means if they need it). At the younger ages I saw FHE as more of building the habit and having some family time than "teaching". Learning how to fold arms and get ready for prayer (if they can repeat things after you then it's a good time to practice them saying the prayer). Sometimes even just making the desert can be the activity, cooking together as a family can be fun. It builds the habit for you and the kids so it won't be so awkward and difficult as they get older. Things will just evolve.
  18. I agree that you are the one entitled to that revelation. You are an adult now. However, they can receive revelation pertaining to their kids. But it's not usually specifics but for them or to assist you. 2 examples. My dad out of the blue one day says something along the lines of, "You know I think for you to find the right guy for you he's going to have had some life experience. Maybe not the kind you would like. Maybe a adult convert that has made some mistakes or something. It's just something that keeps coming to me." It was just a couple days later the guy I was seriously dating tells me that he's been married before. However, it wasn't really an issue for me. Do I think my dad received revelation about me? yes. But I don't think it was for me. I think it was for him to get used to the idea. lol However, my husband on the other hand, before he married his ex had his parents and a priesthood leader say something along the lines to him that something didn't feel right about his choice in companion. That he needed to really pray about it and make sure his feelings weren't blocking his ability to listen to the spirit. He went forward with his decision in spite of their warnings and it didn't go so well. Did they receive revelation about him? I think so, though it wasn't detailed and it was more of a "trying to get your attention so you'll really listen". In the end the only one responsible for revelation about us is us. But sometimes those closest to us can be inspired to help us along the path. The key is when someone is claiming something get the confirmation for yourself. If that confirmation doesn't come then I wouldn't assume it's revelation. I just don't think the lord will tell someone else before he's ready to tell you (if he did he'd probably also tell them to keep it to themselves lol). Trust yourself. If you aren't ready then don't get married. If you want to get married but don't feel ready then focus your goals and prayers on what you can do to become ready. Go from there.
  19. Not disagreeing with your post but I'm gonna nit pick if that's ok. lol Recognizing how someone is feeling is not compassion, that's empathy. Compassion is caring how they feel (no matter if you recognize it or they have to tell you). I agree compassion is crucial. Empathy, in my opinion, may not be. The meshing and confusing of these two words in marriage advice can have devastating effects as to the outcome of the well intended advice. Yes I know I'm splitting hairs but from my experience they are VERY important hairs.
  20. I am totally in the camp of use the real names/terms. I also have to agree with vort, sigh, that there are different parts to the over all parts. The vulva and vagina are different parts. This isn't just important for reporting possible sexual abuse but for general health. When my daughter says "I hurt down here" and points to her crotch I need more specifics. If it's an itchy vulva then it might be yeast, if her urethra (?sp) hurts when she goes pee that's a possible urinary tract infection. Little children can understand that your face is an overall part that is made up of eyes, nose, mouth, etc. The rest of the body is no different. All that said..... the caution (I recently learned the hard way).... Other kids may not be taught proper names or be too immature to use them. I teach my kids proper names. My son (just diagnosed asperger's) had issues last yr at school when a group of boys would come up and ask "do you have a bat and baseballs?" my son would say "no, I don't play baseball" and they would laugh and walk away. He came home confused about what was so funny about him not playing baseball. After explaining it he was even more confused as to what was so funny about asking him if he had male genitals. After he got diagnosed with the asperger's this yr the counselor diagnosing him cautioned me about being "too formal" at home. She said that adds to his "social awkwardness". Her suggestion was to keep using the proper names like we were but to make sure the kids also understand that others will use immature names and even tell them the common names in use right now. That way when they hear them they know what it means but they also know how they are to act/talk. If your child does not have "special needs" then this may not be an issue. Still a good thing to have in the back of your mind as you teach your kids "sex ed".
  21. It's fine to educate them yourself and you should no matter if they take the school course or not. I am with anatess on this one. Educate them first before the school so that when the school talks there are no surprises. It should be a natural discussion and progression (however with mine there have been some "talks" that have progressed over time). I know you don't want to cover the topics you named but I suggest you do. Even if he does not take the school course he will be on the playground with the kids that did and IT WILL BE TALKED ABOUT. You want him to have the right info from you and know it's safe to come home with questions when the kids at school give incorrect info. For me the biggest focus isn't so much what you teach but how. Keep the lines of communication open. When my kids ask things that surprise me I don't show it; don't get mad or embarrassed or brush them off.... answer the question and make it ok to talk to you. I figure as long as they are talking to me I can deal with anything the world throws at us. .... I do admit I might be slightly naive. lol
  22. Like pam said, sometimes accidents are just that. In my opinion being "too good to be in this world" is something the ppl left behind tell themselves for comfort. However, it can be dangerous and you are the evidence of that. It doesn't sound like it's bringing you comfort. I don't believe god takes ppl out like that. He needs all the good ppl he can get down here. Accidents happen. Sometimes tragic, horrible, painful accidents happen. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I'm with wing on the dream. I think based on your anxiety, waking up distressed and the fact that you have had chest congestion the dream was nothing more than your own fears. Our dreams can be revelation but more often than not it's our brain sorting out life. Our mind is very literal and child like. I don't say this in a bad way but if you are not receiving counseling you really should be. This is a huge thing to deal with and it will take time and help from those close to you.
  23. We aren't judged by what is in the lord's mind. We aren't judged by what is in the typical person's mind. We are judged by what we did with what we know.... OUR OWN MINDS. As this thread has shown not everyone sees this the same way. Yes most seem to think it's tacky and inappropriate (any public place is in my opinion) but not everyone sees it as blasphemy. inappropriate vs blasphemy is a huge shade of grey difference. Actually I can but it's kinda long. It involved a 12 yr old ym very close to me. His parents were divorced and in the court process of getting joint custody (the father willingly gave that up in the beginning to stop the fighting for the child's sake). The mother who wanted nothing to do with the church anymore and regularly expressed hatred toward the church decided she would allow the ym to be ordained if the church didn't tell the father about it. (Which was a false impression of power because in less than a month they would have joint custody and it wouldn't be her decision alone.) So her family (active members) went about making ordination plans in secret. The ym told his dad when they were making plans that grandpa already had it planned out. The father called and confirmed this was really happening with the bishop. Though no one informed him of anything (per mom's request, everyone knew her only motive was to hurt dad) they did tell the truth when confronted. When the ad litem in the court case found out she was livid, called all lawyers involved and told them that she would be putting in an order to stop this first thing on mon and they were not to do anything. The bishop had approved doing the ordination the next week so there would be time for the ad litem to take action. After dropping the ym off the grandfather and 2 other priesthood holders were at the mom's house and they ordained him (in a home that hated the church, no family or anyone there, total secrecy) that night. Before they did it he asked "Can we call my dad? He'll come back, I want him to do it." They told him no, they were doing it in secret at the stake pres request because his dad wasn't worthy and would cause problems if he knew. Total lies, the stake pres and bishop had no idea it was happening. I think this set up qualifies as intentional and deliberate violation of god's law. This was an abuse of priesthood authority, 2 of the priesthood holders held prominent church callings (the third was lied to just like the boy was) so it was an abuse of their calling and authority, and based on the outrage of the ad litem it was an abuse of the laws of the land. The father after finding out asked the stake pres to talk to the ym and correct the lies, to nullify the ordination and require it to be reperformed because it was not done properly. The father was denied. We redo baptisms if even a hair or article of clothing doesn't go under the water and I would say this was by far worse. If the sacrament prayers aren't said perfectly they are done over. This was far worse, surely it needed to be done over. Nope. The father was told, "They had good intentions. At least the ym was ordained, that's what is most important. If I did what you ask what message would that send to him about his grandfather? That he's a liar that abused his priesthood... I'm not going to do that. The ordination stands." So instead of correcting a wrong and telling the ym the truth they chose to let the lies stand. They chose to leave the child with the impression that his dad was not worthy and a trouble maker to the point that the stake pres had to perform ordinances in secret. Yes, that is a much better impression to leave a ym about his father rather than tell the truth about his grandfather. But it's ok because the 2 most important things happened, there were good intentions and the ym was ordained. After all was said and done the mom tried to sue the church because the bishop talked to the father (when confronted directly) about the ordination. That was against her instructions and at the time she still technically had full custody. She dropped the case when her lawyer told her she didn't have much of a chance because less than a month after this they had joint custody and the courts were so outraged by what she did they gave the father sole decision making authority where religious training is concerned. The courts were more upset about their actions than the church leaders.... how sad is that? I did say they needed to talk to a bishop, didn't say they didn't already have problems if that was the thinking. What I was saying is that what you perceive them as doing and what they thought they were doing might have been totally different. We are judged by what we do with what we know, not what others think/know/believe. I don't know what was in the mind of each of those ppl, that's the point I was making to begin with. As for adam and eve I know there has been more than one talk about how they did the right thing, what they were supposed to do. So their "good intentions" were exactly right. Yes I've heard the phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" and sometimes that is true. My main point is we can't judge someone else, we don't know what is in their mind and that does matter. As I've said twice now, we are judged by what we do with what WE know. What may be a sin for me may not be for my neighbor. I've got the fullness of the gospel and have made covenants, my neighbor has not. You may understand the sanctity of the chapel and understand what is and is not appropriate there... that doesn't mean these ppl did. Having the bishop talk to them and find out what on earth they were thinking gives the opportunity to teach them. I don't understand the outrage and calls of blasphemy (I see that as judging them). Do I agree with what they did? no. Would I be bothered if I was the one to walk in on them? yes. Do I understand the disgust? yes. But I do not understand the outrage. With the information we have I see 2 ppl in need of course correction, a loving hand of guidance not the fire hose turned on them.
  24. I agree which is why i said they would be better served to go to their bishop. I'm not agreeing with what they did or saying the possible scenario I presented makes it ok. Just pointing out that there actually could have been some "good intentions" there. yes immature or flawed logic but there could be more to the story. Something to keep in mind when passing judgments. lol
  25. You don't attend priesthood/RS? This was covered in Ch. 5 of the lorenzo snow book. Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Lorenzo Snow Chapter 5: The Grand Destiny of the Faithful