believingisachoice

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About believingisachoice

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    Advanced Member

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    United States
  • Religion
    LDS
  1. believingisachoice

    Fiance cheated

    I was thinking to myself why any woman would try to work our a relationship with an ex fiancee who cheated? Must live in Utah were the gender ratio is 1:3. Honey, read the writing on the wall. If you end up with this guy, any and all really stupid infidelity decisions he may make shouldn't be a surprise.
  2. believingisachoice

    Husband claiming to be transgender

    I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you find peace.
  3. believingisachoice

    Need to confess but afraid

    We might leave you, but you that is the cause and effect principle resulting from your choice. However, you made things much worse by not telling the complete truth upfront. Now, when your consciousness eventually gives in and you do tell him the compete truth, he will think about every intimate and good moment since you told him that half truth and think about how you lied to him again. Many people will say get therapy, etc. but ultimately the final answer is he deserves to know what happened. If he had done what you did would you not want the same? Either way whether he decides to leave or stay you can still have a happy life after divorce or again in marriage. But that choice isn't up to you.
  4. Hey man a lot of people on this website want you to emotional undress per say and find your mote in your eye. Don't let them. If what you said is true and your wife's behavior is such that is devastating. Honestly, I don't know why guys put up with so much abuse. Stand up for yourself.
  5. believingisachoice

    Recommend after Inactivity?

    Problem #1: You moved to Utah No, it's a good place I served their on my mission, but it's a special place too... I do not believe it is laziness that you have not been going to church as much as you are emotionally hurt. The people there did not treat you well, and honestly I do not blame your apathetic attitude toward attending a ward where it is "discuss my infertility time." Geez... Bishops normally want to see 6 months of tithing paid consecutively before reissuing a TR. Perhaps you can attend a different ward? Good luck.
  6. believingisachoice

    Bullying at Church

    I could write a dissertation on this but...youth leaders can encourage parents to love their children and give them the emotional attention they need. Youth leaders can also stand up for the victims. I witnessed a bully situation but watch to see what the normal teacher would do. Nothing. So sad. We had 3 YW go inactive because of bullying. It seems to be a particular challenge with girls more than boys in my experience.
  7. believingisachoice

    Tons of bad decisions

    Marie, go talk to your bishop like the others have said. But more importantly, change your friends. Find better company and you will be just fine.
  8. believingisachoice

    Are The LDS Dating Sites Ever Fruitful?

    My sister just met a RM (they're young) like a month ago, and apparently they are going to get engaged soon. They meet on LDSsingles I think. He lived like an hour away though so not far. It does work.
  9. believingisachoice

    Future Spouses?

    "Addiction" is a very subjective word. I'm under 30 and of the internet age, and I had 20 close Mormon friends in high school and all but 2 had viewed porn multiple times--to what extent we didn't go into, but it was more than once or twice by everyone's admission. This experience occurred when we went camping for our priest activity, and one of our advisers shared a fireside how he had a porn issue when he was in high school and encouraged us help each other if we struggled. The experience turned into one of those "yeah me too..." experiences, and it was quite powerful actually. And now, having been a counselor for men with the addiction, most struggle their entire lives sadly. Because many people have unhappy lives, and porn is the result of unhappiness and a unbalanced life. You're correct 90% of men do NOT currently have (present tense) porn addictions, but had (past tense) sometime in the life an addiction--which is what I said. Which simply means that they indulged in behavior that they originally intended not to. For some men, porn ruins their life in every way. Some are functioning addicts. But most are past indulgences or flings.
  10. believingisachoice

    Future Spouses?

    So many men had porn addictions, especially in their teenage years--sad to say. And I mean like 90% or higher. Young women wouldn't have anyone to marry if they tried to find guys who had not watched porn at some point in their adolescence. I would not disclose your past porn struggles to your girlfriend on the first several dates, but also not after you became engaged or starting use the "I love you's". If you tell her too soon, she might get scared off, in that case oh well her loss and you saved yourself time and money. If you tell her to late after you are already "in love" and wanting to get married and then after telling her she walks away from the relationship, then you will be very hurt, heartbroken, and question your self worth and also question if you were truly forgiven by the Lord. Girls who deny the power of the atonement in your life are not worth courting. Let them find Mr. Perfect, but not on your dime. Never spend money on another man's wife. Good luck and stay strong.
  11. believingisachoice

    My wife has decided to leave the church.

    First I'm sorry this is happening to you. Second, your wife is questioning everything when her parents get a divorce. Divorce is detrimental even to adult children. I.e. "Mom, how can you tell me what is good or bad seeing that you married the wrong man, and were making major life mistakes into your 30's or 40's?" Hang in there, many times there type of situations take years of independent study by the individual to sort out. It is okay for her to do that. Just try and keep the marriage and family together. God will work a miracle.
  12. believingisachoice

    Devastated and Lost

    I remember my experience finding out the hat, rock, tresure hunting, etc. but I didn't throw in the towel. However I did have the thought that this all may indeed be a lie. However I kept studying and used FairLDS for some help on some questions. My testimony came out stronger afterwards, but it took a year of independant study to secure my concerns. I believe that is why the church recently put out those "Gospel topics", which is a good first step. Hang in there there are anwsers to your questions.
  13. believingisachoice

    Thoughts on the nature of discrimination

    One natural right every person has is the right of association. You can associate with whomever you choose. Imagine a government using coercion to force you to associate with people you very much disliked. Apart of that right is to be able to disassociate yourself from anyone you'd like. I don't know enough about Australia to comment on that country however in the U.S. there is a "gay mafia" and they literally will destroy you if you try to resist their agenda. They use the power of the state and coercion to further their ends.
  14. believingisachoice

    Disfellowship - How It Works

    Disfellowshipment is close to excommunication and in the book The Miracle of Forgiveness former President of the Church Spencer Kimball couples them with each other frequently. Disfellowshiped members’ cannot partake of the sacrament, hold a calling, be a home or visiting teacher, say "public" prayers, go to the temple, or exercise the priesthood. Just about all activity is suspended until further notice EXCEPT you can bear your testimony at church and may continue to wear garments if authorized. Since I was once disfellowshipped before I was married and I know how hard it can be. Mine lasted two years. Some last a lot longer, some shorter, but never usually less than a year. However, it is not a situation to be desired. Priesthood leaders pray about if the individual should be disfellowshipped and for how long. If the behavior changes the individual is restored to full fellowship. If you held the Melchizedek priesthood your Stake President handles the situation. On your church record it does show that you are disfellowshipped, and your leaders are notified most of the time, so as to avoid asking them to say a prayer in class when they cannot. My Elders Quorum President knew I was disfellowshipped and he was a great guy and didn't treat me any different. The general congregation does not know about your disfellowshipment, only certain leaders within the ward on a need-to-know basis. Disfellowshipment is considered a blessing and an opportunity to repent--or turn away from the sin and to be cleansed by the atoning blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. Interesting note, when I was disfellowshipped I asked by Stake President if I died--while being disfellowshipped--would I go to Spirit Prison or Paradise? He became very quiet and said that I would go to Spirit Prison because the sin had not yet been forgiven or resolved. I was very careful in traffic for those next two years in particular. Since my time, I know and have known of many young single adults who are now married who probably should have been disfellowshipped before they were married like I was however they were not because, no one reported their conduct and they did not confess to leadership. However, they will at some point account for their penalties in this life or the next. Disfellowshipment may affect your future capacity to hold high callings in the church. I am not for certain on this point, however generally you will not be called as a Bishop or Stake President if you have been previously disfellowshipped. You may be called as a counselor, but not into the position. Then again I thought you could not be called as a Bishop if you were divorce yet our ward has a Bishop that is divorced. The point being when being interviewed for very prominent callings more stringent questioning is given. Disfellowshipment would be MUCH more common if people confessed their sins, instead of concealing them. Nothing is hidden from the Lord, but may be from his servants. I hope this information helps. God bless you.
  15. believingisachoice

    How to move on - A one sided divorce

    Hey I'm 28 too! Been married about the same amount of time. And all I got to say is while I have some empathetic points I will make, if my wife would have told me after our sealing in the temple that she did not love me... Sister your lucky you lasted that long with him. Of course he is going to be tempted by porn if you are never having sex. He sees all these attractive girls all the day long and even is married to one that sleeps in his bed but he can't get a dopamine and adrenaline spike from sex. At least you did not have kids. You see my dear the most misunderstood benefit about adrenaline is that it is the "bonding chemical". Much like when newborns and mother breast feed, adrenaline follows through the brains of baby and mother forming deeper emotional and spiritual bonds. If mother and baby never do that their bond is not as strong. There is a bunch of science you could read about that but basically he never "establish that bond" with you while in your marriage infancy. Hence his brain offers the counterfit and tells him, "Oh you're anxious because your wife has no libedo and you need a dopamine spike? Well I know what can solve that...[scanning]...porn." I'm not justifying his sin, nonetheless it is a natural response in such a situation to release anxiety, which he reverted to from his earlier childhood expierience, because before your sexual relationship with him the only other one he knew was porn--or other women if he was promiscuous. Choices have consequences. If my mother thought meat and protein where harmful to my health when I was a child and never feed me properly, and now I am consequently 4 inches shorter than what I could have been, can she be sorry? I may forgive her, but there is no way for me to regain those lost 4 inches. Just like with you, you may regret the first year but perhaps permanent harm was done. And you must live with the consequences. The only reason it lasted 5 whole years is because you had developed a "functioning marriage"--division of labor, ease of finance, companionship preferable to loneliness, etc. But everytime you got to the deepest level of communication--validation--all sincere attempts were squashed from past trauma. Could he have gotten over it and forgave you and you had to go on living a happy marriage? Yes, perhaps he could have reconciled those feelings. But did that happen? No. Bottom line is that when you were married you had some issues--lack of empathy. Ohh the risks of getting married before your prefrontal cortex is fully functioning (24 for women, 25 for men)...I've been there. He is gone. The first women that meets him on a healthy validating conversation he will gravitate too--which probabaly has already happened. I empathize with you. There was a time in my life when I lacked self knowledge and empathy and hurt people I loved and she left me (before marriage). Like you, I felt like a monster. So when she left she was justified and I knew it. It was the natural consequence of my behavior. Where do you go from here? Inward. Toward Christ. I testify he can bind up emotional wounds, he has for me. You need more empathy and self knowledge to make sure the result is different next time. But for your ex-husband. Girl 'he gone'. Good luck.