Misshalfway

You would be surprised at some of things people do bother Bishops with....:)

Silhouette, after hearing the behaviour of your husband, I have to admit (in much disgrace) that in some instances he sounds like an extreme version of me. If I can attempt to explain your husbands behaviour from my point of view just to give you some comfort I will try.
 

I was raised in a good home but I never saw any outwardly love and affection from my father to my mother, thats just the type of man my father and grandfather was. subconsciously I guess I picked up on that and I have never felt comfortable showing love and affection toward my wife in public, maybe a kiss or hug here and there.

Athough I pinpoint my lack of affection as a personality flaw, pornography can also be a source and in my case sporatic porn outbreaks helped to magnify it. your husband is a porn addict which is the extreme.

The lack of affection is sort of a gateway to lacking in other areas like empathy or sympathy. When my wife encounters problems I am always telling her how she caused those problems upon herself. Im embarassed to say that my love for her is conditional, over the years I have been learning to get rid of those conditions and try to be more unconditional, its hard and its a process but I think that as far as I am willing to try then progress will and has been made, God/church/Jesus Christ/atonement all give me hope. Your husband is not trying and by leaving the church (any church for that matter) he has cut God out and I believe there is no hope.

What this all boils down to is the level of respect that he has for you. He has none. I have found that over the years I have hit those bottom levels before and at that point my wife was not only "not important" to me but she was almost like an enemy. that is not healthy and extented periods of being in this state makes it harder to get out of and eventually leading to physical abuse and total disreguard of your existence like how you explained to us. I agree with you that you need to divorce and get away from him.

Like I said earlier, your husband sounds like an extreme version of what I could have possibly become had I not subdued the natural human and carnal desires, which brings me back to my point that man/woman need some kind of moral compass and that it is usually found in organized religions.

The polygamy question is a tough one for a lot of people.  Many have been thrown off by it and have had their faith shaken too.  So know that your experience is a common one.
 
I really think this question can be solved the same way every other question is resolved and that is through the Holy Spirit.  God said He would teach us the truth of all things.  So...prove him now herewith. Right?
 
At this point in my grapplings with Joseph Smith, I've come to a place where I don't need the guy to be perfect anymore.  I only need to know that God trusted him to do some work.  And I need to know what was God's work and what was man's fallibility.   I look at all the prophets.  It seems to me that all of them got it wrong on something.  Noah, Peter, Paul, all the guys from the scriptures.  Frankly, I think Brigham got it wrong on race and I wonder if Kimball got it wrong on sex.  Maybe Joseph got it wrong on polygamy.  It certainly seems the church was confused about sealings for a while because they started sealing everybody to Joseph but soon discontinued the practice when they understood better.
 
And I think about the scriptures and what God does to try his people.  He does some pretty radical stuff like chopping off Laban's head and killing Pharaoh's kid and going to war with people and asking prophets to marry their servant woman cause wifey couldn't have babies.  Frankly, I have moral concerns with all this stuff!  But apparently God asks His people to do questionable stuff sometimes.  
 
The only thing we need to know is whether or not God is the author of it.  So to the spirit we must go for the answer.  All the research or reading apologists can't give the reassurance we really need.  For me, a little study was helpful to give a context but it's really been the spirit that I've leaned on to tell me the truth about stuff.  And I'm not even saying I have perfect clarification on this issue.  But I've gotten enough that I'm not really worried about it anymore.

I really hope that God will be the judge.  He knows me best. And frankly humans are kinda bad at this kind of stuff, even if they are trusted by God to do important stuff on earth.  If Father is who I go to now, who I bow before, who I counsel with.....He has to be the one that talks to me again after it's all over.  

In the words of Edna Mode: pull yourself together!!... fight, win!!  
 

 
Really, pull yourself together!!  I say that to be encouraging: get out there!  Show them who you are and go for it!  
 
Take it from someone who spent years moping about never finding the "one", I learned a couple of things:
 
1) The "one" doesn't exist.  
2)  If you confine yourself to dating a person with characteristics "xyz", you're limiting your potential and the possibilities God has in store for you.
3)  Finding love is a lot like building a rocket: patience leads to joy out of this world, impatience leads to explosive fireworks on the launch bay.  Don't rush it.
4)  Feeling sorry for yourself is the best great quicksand pit in the world.

I really hope that God will be the judge.  He knows me best. And frankly humans are kinda bad at this kind of stuff, even if they are trusted by God to do important stuff on earth.  If Father is who I go to now, who I bow before, who I counsel with.....He has to be the one that talks to me again after it's all over.  

echo, I am not sure what you should do. I can tell you what you SHOULDN'T do, though. You shouldn't let your neighbor's (perceived) racism make you unhappy. You have plenty of other neighbors, friends, and fellow Saints you love you just fine. Don't let one bad apple spoil your barrel of happiness.
 
I would also suggest that you cannot look into this woman's heart and see her motives. What looks to you like racism may in fact be nothing of the sort. So rather than condemn her, just let her go her way. Don't let her actions hurt you. Just live your life as you think the Lord wants you to, and don't take offense. Let it go. That's my opinion.

It's hard to know what turns people away.  It might be race.  It might be nervousness over an accent.  It could be something you said or did, that meant nothing to you, but was interpreted negatively by the other person.  To give an example, I was speaking with another pastor one time, and we were talking about beverages.  I said that I prefer higher-end brands, as they really do taste better.  His response was something to the effect that he did not think Jesus would be so picky.  I was totally caught off guard by that.  He thought I was being pretentious, snooty, and arrogant.  We continued to be acquaintances, but I doubt he would ever let me get close after that.  There wasn't much I could do.  He'd formed an opinion, and no protesting on my part would change that.  So, I was nice to him--cordial, but came to realize that we were never meant to be close buddies.
 
Perhaps your neighbor falls into this category.  The problem is probably not yours, and you cannot do much to fix it.  So, be nice, be cordial, but stop investing emotional energy into this lady.  She's probably not one that Heavenly Father meant for you to get close to.

Woah.  It's a "syndome" now.  Scary!
 
 
Maybe I'm starting my post with this little bit of sarcasm because I think "shaken faith" SHOULD come to all of us if we are ever going to grow.  And I kinda wish we wouldn't be so afraid of it and thus so judgmentally about it.  I mean we are judgmental because of fear, I get it,  but it doesn't really help.
 
Sometimes I think people end up leaving the church because they don't get supported through this necessary struggling.  They think something is wrong with them.  They are TOLD something is wrong with them. You know?  They get judged instead of loved.  And that hurts. Who of any of us wants to stay and hang out with a bunch who treats us like an apostate? Who tolerates that very well, you know?
 
My personal feeling is that the church needs a rebirth of sorts.  And because I'm seeing a lot of this "syndome" these days, I'm wondering if the Lord is preparing the church for the second coming and that maybe we don't know it yet.  I think this partially because of my conversations with others, but mostly because of my own experiences with doubt.  I don't know exactly how to explain it but it was like God deconstructed my entire belief system and then helped me, with my agency as a key piece (as others have highlighted so well), he helped reconstruct it.  And wow!  It's different than before.  All the same "stuff" but in a much stronger/better/broader sort of way.  During this, God helped me reconstruct my understanding and belief in the church specifically.  And i must share that much of what He taught me was seeing differences between the wheat and the tares inside the church.  Like I needed to learn where the lies were.  Cuz before,  I think I just took for granted that it was all truth.
 
I've thought long on these experiences trying to make sense of all of it with a very human and limited brain.  And what I think I understand is that the church itself can be something of a crutch if one isn't careful.  It gives structure and rules and safety, if you will.  I think God wants a little more walking on water, if you get my meaning.  I sometimes think the church listens more to the church than to God maybe.  Or rely's on blind adherence to the church more than a true and living, daily conversation with God.  Maybe he has to shake us a bit to help us let go of trusting the arm of the flesh and learn to trust His arm more. 
 
Is there a chance that this is happening?  Is there a chance that this is part of some important proving of the Lord's children?  Is it possible that letter of the law adherence just isn't enough anymore?  Is it possible that all of this "syndrome" is actually a huge opportunity?
 
I don't know anything really.  I only know what I think I know. And I think I know that there's something more going on here than just weakness.

It does sort of seem like you are swinging from extreme to extreme, at least in your descriptions.   And it's interesting that your definitions of what makes things good has only to do with whether or not your wife is able to make you feel good. Like it's somehow her fault you don't feel good sometimes.  Or that it's her fault for not solving your shame problem.   Or like it's her responsibility to make sure you never feel bad ever again.
 
Frankly, that's a lot to lay at the feet of any new spouse.  Having a helpmeet is a great thing that does provide  a lot comfort and support.  But if you've objectified her into the source of all of your emotional comfort and given her the responsibility to keep you feeling "high", then sweets, you might have a bigger problem than just whether or not you married "the right one".  Yeah, it wasn't all that mature to throw the ring at you, but then again, I wasn't there.  I don't know what you said that triggered such a response.  I'm with others.  If you've got a porn history or a drug history or a another potentially disturbing history, you gotta understand that these things scare people.  It's kinda interesting to me how you expect her to react perfectly and balanced and to always respond in a way that comforts you, but you don't seem to see how you might be overreactive or how you might not be responding in a comforting way to her.  
 
My gut tells me, you could use some counseling.  It might be good for you to look at  how you cope with imbalanced emotions and why you seem to need other people to regulate those emotions for you.  I certainly don't think your answer is getting another wife.  If you are doing this stuff now, you'll just take that pattern with you and get disappointed when your next girlfriend can't be your  24/7 soother.

Jesus says this: 

For the Father judgeth no man, but hath committed all judgment unto the Son: 
That all men should honour the Son, even as they honour the Father.
(John 5:22-23) 

there is however a difference between one who gives testimony and bears witness, and one who sits in judgement. 

Sweets, it sounds like you are feeling guilty because you are feeling angry and defensive.
 
As far as I can tell, you have a lot of good reasons to be angry.  You are getting hurt!  Of course your insides would choose defenses.
 
I'm not sure I know everything about anger. And I know lots of people are afraid of it because "it's not like Jesus" or because it leads people to be reactive and destructive.  But don't forget that anger has a really important job to do.  It alerts us when something is wrong.  And tries to protect us when other parts of the self aren't as empowered.
 
Instead of feeling so guilty about not forgiving, maybe its time for you to listen to your internal warning system and take empowered steps to protect yourself.  Anger tends to settle down after we honor it and forgiveness tends to come easier once we are safe.
 
You are not safe yet.  So, worry about forgiveness once you are.
 
What needs to happen so you can get safe?

Really not enough information to render any serious advice from me.  I'd see an independent counselor if you really want things to work out.
 
But I'm curious:  How did the bishop make you let him move back in? 

You're right, of course. My response was half in jest. (But only half.)

No, you'll just wish you would.

It would be like if your child had a new friend who was doing all kinds of bad stuff. You might tell that friend to go away, that if they wanted to screw up and ruin their life and end up in jail, go right ahead - but you leave my child alone.

We all wear matching PJ's on Christmas eve.  
 
My 14 year old daughter wants to get jammies that match our Christmas decor.  But I decorate in gold and silver.  Like, who sells gold pajamma's?   
 
So...she's going to have to be disappointed.  I've selected a lovely coordination between black, white, and red.  (Hee hee hee.  I've bought everybody a beanie.  I'm so excited!)

Mine is ... courage.
 
Fear gets me too much of the time.  It's time to slay some of that.

Great post!
 
What you are talking about is one's ability to spiritual discern.  This dilemma is spoken of many times in the scriptures.  I like Zechariah's words about it, chapter 11; " 17 Woe to the idol shepherd that leaveth the flock! the sword shall be upon his arm, and upon his right eye: his arm shall be clean dried up, and his right eye shall be utterly darkened."  The "right eye" is symbolic of one's ability to discern spiritual things.  The "right arm" is symbolic of one's ability to carry out spiritual things.  Just like we have a right eye and a left eye and a right arm and left arm we are dual beings.  It is said more clearly from modern day prophets and apostles like David O Mckay and Elder Bednar that we are both physical and spirit beings.  Elder Holland made it clear that the "mind" can have ailments as in depression etc. that are physical in nature, the physical mind or in other words the brain.  Those being different from the thoughts that are generated by the "mind" of the spirit.
 
Our ability to differentiate the source of those thoughts, passions, feelings etc is called spiritual discernment or metaphorically represented by the "right" side of the body, on the right hand or the right eye, etc.  We want to find ourselves on the right side of Christ in the end.  That is the test of this life - do we pay attention to the right side or the left side or like Zechariah so poetically said when one's faith is "shaken" what happens is the right eye becomes darkened.  In other words, spiritual discernment is more difficult.
 
The whole focus then is to keep our "right eye" clear.  That is the purpose and effect of the gospel, to enhance our spiritual discernment.  Without it, the natural man takes over, the "left" side of the body, or the physical or carnal man takes over and then we don't see things spiritually as well.  
 
Maybe this is why I spend so much time talking about what is physical vs what is spiritual, to discern the two can be difficult but that is the test.  Elder Bednar; "The very elements out of which our bodies were created are by nature fallen and ever subject to the pull of sin, corruption, and death. Consequently, the Fall of Adam and its spiritual and temporal consequences affect us most directly through our physical bodies. And yet we are dual beings, for our spirit that is the eternal part of us is tabernacled in a physical body that is subject to the Fall. As Jesus emphasized to the Apostle Peter, “The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matthew 26:41). The precise nature of the test of mortality, then, can be summarized in the following question: Will I respond to the inclinations of the natural man, or will I yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and put off the natural man and become a saint through the Atonement of Christ the Lord (see Mosiah 3:19)? That is the test. Every appetite, desire, propensity, and impulse of the natural man may be overcome by and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ."
 
Like you stated, the conundrum exists because we are dual beings, everything has to be processed through the natural man brain.   Even if the spirit is the source of the message it still has to be processed through the brain.  So, the best way to help (but not totally do away with the conundrum) is to do everything we can to distinguish what is from "natural man" the physical brain vs what is from the spirit (the way the Holy Spirit communicates is directly to our spirit).  We "put off" the natural man to tune into the spirit or to improve our spiritual discernment.  You are describing THE test as Elder Bednar says - which inclination do we respond to - natural man vs spirit, right eye vs left eye.

The part that makes me mad (and I was exaggerating a bit. I don't really get "mad" mad), is their saying that it must be easier for me and the reason they fail is because it's just too hard for them. It's insulting. The effort it takes for me to control my eating is MAMMOTH. I'm sitting there secretly suffering for a choice I made and they're saying, "Oh...you just have the gift." I don't have the gift. I chose. I work. I struggle. I fight. Just like anyone has to.

My point was, why get mad at people because they may not understand your choice. So what if your choice is difficult; you've made it because you think it's good for you. What does it matter to you that others make different choices. Their choices don't interfere with yours.
 
M. 

I think in many ways shaken-faith-sydrome resembles depression.  There are many causes and it can happen to anyone.  Usually it starts with something in your world falling apart, bringing on great sadness and confusion.  You get angry, stomp your foot, and demand to know "why".  You feel victimized- how could this happen to me?  How did I get here?  Why didn't I see this earlier?  Who's fault is it?  How dare this situation betray me!?  I feel so hurt... so alone... 
 
Coming out of shaken-faith-sydrome resembles coming out of depression.  You have to admit it's there, to quit denying that your foundation has been cracked.  Don't try to navigate out of the fog solo: seek help from friends, family, counselors in that area, and of course the Lord.  You need to re-find your center, and build up from there.  Frequently we must admit that we had unrealistic expectations in some areas/people/ourselves.  Because of this re-viewing and re-learning are critical parts of re-building.  For both depression and shaken-faith, this re-growth is something which cannot be rushed, anymore than a toddler's first steps.  

Yes!!!
 
So many people seem to think that we who believe just do so magically or something. Or those antagonistic call us brainwashed. But this is my view exactly -- I believe because I choose to.

I read the article on said shaken faith and this was basically what it said too. But I'm not sure I buy it. We ALL learn new things as we go that challenge our foundational assumptions. Some of us it throws. Some of us it does not. So that explanation is not viable in my mind as a root cause.

My cousin and his wife were married in the temple. At their reception they held another ceremony (more a ring ceremony) because there were many of her family that weren't members and they wanted all to share somehow in the wedding part of the celebration.  Their Bishop conducted the ceremony.
 
The bride did the whole walk in escorted by her father and everything.