Is it okay to hate your family?

[NightShift]

Not your wife/children but parents. If your father was a violent psychopath that used to torture you and use your flesh as an ash tray just for fun. And your mother not caring if you where dead and alive and didn't even feed you. Would you be allowed to hate your family? Or does that go against the LDS belief?

And why this obsession about genealogy? Why does it matter who your grandparents where?

[prisonchaplain]

Disclosure: I'm not LDS. Nevertheless, the command we're given is to honor our mother and father, and to love our enemies. In the scenario you present, it would be very appropriate to despise their sinful behavior, and perhaps, their unrepentance. It may be that all you can honor them for is that they brought you into the world. Yet, that alone is worthy of respect. God chose your vessels to bring me into this world. Thank you for that, and those kind acts you did extend to me. I forgive you for the rest, and leave you in the hands of God.

If they repent, they will forever be grateful to you, humbled by your extravagant mercy...a forgiveness and love that can only be found in God. If they fail to repent and return your loving forgiveness with even more hate, then do you not believe that your Heavenly Father, who created you in his image, will pour out judgment upon them in a way far more righteous and angry than you could imagine?

(I'll let the LDS members answer the geneaology question)

[Lbybug]

i wouldn't call the geneology an obsession. but i know on my part, i love hearing stories of family history. i love finding out where our family began. i have an aunt who is dying of cancer who came up to visit us this week from california. she is from the side of the family my cousins and i never got to know because my great grandparents all passed away when our parents were young children. and that side of the family is all from california while we are all in canada. but she came up and shared a bunch of stories with my uncle that he recorded and is going to make cd's to share with families. having pictures we can look at. stories to tell our young. i find it fascinating.

i was telling my friend at work about it last night, our family history, and how we have tons of genology done and she said "i don't even know how my parents met. i wish i did..." it's something that is good to have because maybe you might not be interested, but down the line, your family might.

[christmasvalleyfarms]

You can reference the scriptures about the spirit of Elijah whose latter day mission is to turn the hearts of the children to the fathers and vice versa, lest the earth be smitten with a curse. The idea of a curse that accompanies family disintegration is really interesting in light of what goes on around us today....? Heavenly Father's work and plan is all about families; about us, as we are all His family. Families are the fundamental unit of society, in this world and out. Though some of us have less than ideal family experiences in this life (believe me mine is not the "happily-ever-after" ideal Mormon family story either!), ultimately eternal familial relationships are the source of our greatest blessings and glory and joy. It is in realizing that, and becoming involved in the process of serving to bind together through priesthood covenants the entire family of God, that we find the joy of becoming a part of a work and an entity so much greater than ourselves alone. Anyone who has become involved in genealogy work, and I have just the littlest bit, can testify of the incredible power and hunger/fulfillment that come as you begin to find those connections and see how you fit in the bigger picture and realize...you are not alone in any of this!

[OneEternalSonata]

No, in our faith it is not acceptable to hate anyone, no matter the reason. I say this unequivocally because my parents were abusive to me, even to the point of my life being in danger, and I cannot bring myself to hating them. Is it a high standard? Yes, but it is the Savior's standard. Sure, anger and anguish visit me from time to time, but I know I would be denying the very atonement of Christ if I didn't forgive all people. I cannot do that. If I did I would cease to be healed by that selfsame power of His blood.

[Islander]

Not your wife/children but parents. If your father was a violent psychopath that used to torture you and use your flesh as an ash tray just for fun. And your mother not caring if you where dead and alive and didn't even feed you. Would you be allowed to hate your family? Or does that go against the LDS belief?

And why this obsession about genealogy? Why does it matter who your grandparents where?

I say this with no intent to offend or add insult to injury. One's history certainly clouds our judgment, understanding and most surely our feeling about our own family. I am indeed thankful that history is not destiny and as an adult, what happened to me yesterday has no bearing on my future opportunities for growth and happiness.

We do have to gain insight and understanding and make peace with our past and history in order to move on. Although we may not be able to forget the past we are commanded to forgive all men. Once that takes place other principles of the Gospel begin to make sense.

[Misshalfway]

There is no doubt that mercy to others is also mercy to oneself.

I know that our Heavenly Father wants us to exercise our love for enemies and to forgive and I think that those powerful invitations and commandments are benevolent ones because they help release us from painful, cankering emotions that can disrupt our peace and even steal years of our lives.

BUT, there is pain and trauma and injustice and there is sometimes anger and woundedness and even hateful feelings that sometimes follow such awful events -- especially when such abuse is handed out by parents or trusted caregivers. I believe that our Father in Heaven knows the depths of that pain! I believe that Christ knows how much it hurts! They can and do mourn with us and cry with us and feel indignation with us and help us too as we trust them and the Atonement and pass thru those emotions to the more peaceful healing ones.

I think if anyone is experiencing such feelings, I would invite them to take those feelings to the Lord. Lay them at His feet and appeal for the tender mercies of the Lord to bless and support and heal. What is it they say? Let Go and Let God.

And I think too...that it is ok to be patient with oneself as such a journey progresses. It takes lots of effort to feel the anger and continually hand it to the Lord rather than to marinate in it. But peace does come and love for enemies comes too. I think God is so very good and healing our wounds and then helping us to have compassion for the wounds of others.

Edited September 8, 2008 by Misshalfway

[Moksha]

Ah, your pain must run very deep. Okay, here is what I have found: It is best to concentrate your efforts on healing yourself. Holding out anger for others depletes the energy that should be put into healing and recreating a whole and working you.

Just a thought. May God bless you.

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

Not your wife/children but parents. If your father was a violent psychopath that used to torture you and use your flesh as an ash tray just for fun. And your mother not caring if you where dead and alive and didn't even feed you. Would you be allowed to hate your family? Or does that go against the LDS belief?

And why this obsession about genealogy? Why does it matter who your grandparents where?

Wow, I'm amazed that you can talk about this without any anger or resentment. You are truly an example of compassion and forgiveness. - sarcasm! I love it

Seriously, though, if you ask the question phrased like you did, you're not in ANY position to accept the answer. Because we'll tell you that you do need to forgive them, that you do need to make peace with your past and if possible with them, that you do need to love them regardless of what mistakes they've made in their lives. And you'll resent us for saying it, and you'll resent God for asking it, and you'll resent yourself for not being able to do it. But you asked the question, so here's the answer; do with it as you will.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

[WANDERER]

To honor...they made one important choice...you. So to a certain extent that is where the honor comes in...respecting yourself and not seeing yourself as the child of abusers...but who they might have been if they chose God's principles...the honor is in honoring yourself...you are God's creation. Honoring your parents in the Bible is said to allow you a long life...that… you may live a long time in the land..and and that it may go well with you (all of you) in the land that your Lord is giving you." In other words for generations to respect each other is beneficial in the growth and prosperity of a nation.

I tend to see it as honoring your life that is the key point. The root of the Hebrew word for honor means to "weigh heavy" to give seriousness too. To give value to. To give value to producing life...to honour being a parent. It does not please God when parents do not teach His children to honor and obey the office of parent because parents weigh heavily on their children.

You are honoring your parents when you are upset that they messed up their lives and the lives of their children. If you could change it you would....i.e. postitive acts to help...and there is no doubt that children try very hard in these situations. Qualifier: And fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” In such a situation, honor can still involve positive acts to help them, improve their lives, to the degree we are able. Or perhaps to honor them by living your life in a positive way is a positive act in itself.

Genealogy is healing in a way...one long line of extended family all the way back to Adam and Eve (tho you might not get that far ; ) ....who struggled and endured...and then there's you. When God created Adam and Eve, God had you in mind.

My mother...who had not much good to say about her family...ever...(she had a pretty bad relationship with her Dad) gave a gruff pronouncement over my genealogical research..."See I told you we came from good stock," and asked to borrow it and read it. It's not that bad doing genealogy...a few skeletons rattle...but mostly it's like unwrapping something so immense you wonder how the line continued through all of histories monumental disasters...miraculous really.

Don't be put off by people being judgemental...you can honor your parents...but you cannot make the whole commandment work all on your own...the essence of it as much as it applies to your actions and choices is all that you can do. There is no need to subject yourself to further abuse...that doesn't bring honour to anyone.

20, 30, 40 years from now do you still want to be hating them even though you haven't lived with your family and been subject to that behaviour for many decades? Somewhere along the line you will realise that you have lived more years away from your parents than you actually lived with them. There is no sense in holding on to those bad feelings and clouding your life.

Edited September 8, 2008 by WANDERER

[FenderFan]

Why does it matter who your grandparents where?

My great-grandfather died in a railway accident not far from where I now work - as a railway signalman. Does it matter that I know this? Perhaps not - but when I die and meet him for the first time (he died long before I was born) we'll certainly have something interesting to talk about.

FF

[Hemidakota]

Not your wife/children but parents. If your father was a violent psychopath that used to torture you and use your flesh as an ash tray just for fun. And your mother not caring if you where dead and alive and didn't even feed you. Would you be allowed to hate your family? Or does that go against the LDS belief?

And why this obsession about genealogy? Why does it matter who your grandparents where?

Would the Savior hate your parents? Be like the Savior and stand in His shoes....

Without the sealing our genealogy, the hope for an eternal line of families would be lost.

[Mirium]

There are family members I find very difficult to be around but I'm learning and getting better at it. For me it is a work in progress. I have good days and not so good days. My family are not members of the church. I am a convert but I know that when the time comes and I can do the Temple work for them and especially do the sealings. I feel that when that is done I will be at peace and feel true healing. I find one of the best coping mechanisms right now is to view my family through the Saviour's eyes and try to love them as he loves them. It really helps.

[georgia2]

Quote from I slander:

I say this with no intent to offend or add insult to injury. One's history certainly clouds our judgment, understanding and most surely our feeling about our own family. I am indeed thankful that history is not destiny and as an adult, what happened to me yesterday has no bearing on my future opportunities for growth and happiness.

Yes we are responsible for our future and how we relate to it, BUT what happened to me yesterday CERTAINLY has a bearing on me today! I still do things, feel the things that were drilled in to my head as a child. I am not the only one. My siblings who are all older than me say the same. None of us knows how to truly relax because we were taught that relaxing showed laziness. When you have it drummed, beat in to your head that you are not, smart, pretty, neat, organized, witty, interesting, or worthy as it seems others are, it does affect you! It is who you are! Of course you can tell yourself that these things aren't true, of course they are not, BUT deeply embedded attitudes and standards become the self talk that we hear. Now I for sure know that I am smart, pretty, neat, organized, witty, interesting, AND worthy of praise and love! BUT, You can never totally wipe out the damage that was done to your self image or self worth. Yeah counseling can help, and of Course the Gospel too, but some things will have to be resolved on the other side.

Should we hate our parents? Of course not, but we can also understand when someone says they do. What they are really saying is that they LOVED their parents and because they LOVED their parents the hurt is so much more painful and damaging than any other person could inflict. And the human response to so much pain is anger and hate! But the hate is truly for the treatment they received. You can hate the actions of a person but still love them. Thats when it really plays a number on your head.

True relief and peace come through the realization that even though our parents were crummy, we have perfect Heavenly Parents that are perfect and everything that our earthly parents were not. This is when the healing can begin.

[WANDERER]

It's a difficult one...so I'll share my path of learning and how I deal with things:

You can try to fix things and repair them. If you take this path...never lose vigilance. Yes, you're an adult now, you know how to stay safe, they have changed and it all happened years ago and it's been years since anything bad has happened. The thing is you never know when life's stressors can cause a regression. Okay, so I lived. Don't do what I did...stay careful.

Secondly..even if you have no verbal or physical contact with them and haven't for many years be cautious. I'd been out gardening in the back yard and I was covered in mud so I took a shower.

I got changed in the bedroom, door open...and when I walked into the loungeroom there they were. They'd entered into the house unannounced cause I'd accidently left the sliding door open. I have an intercom and a doorbell. They chose the back way. Yes, they had been watching all the time. Okay, I lived throught that one too and I'm a tad more cautious now.

Thirdly you're always going to have to deal with good intentioned people who feel very strongly about this commandment. There's a choice to the way in which you react to it. I choose to think it's very nice...there's a world of light out there and thank goodness that there is. I think spending time with people who are like this is good for me...it is affirming that there is plenty of good in the world. Providing experiences are mostly good, except for the occasional gnawing on this topic..it can be healing.

Fourthly what to do with people who put you under pressure and badger you and won't let it go. Well you can choose to tell them exactly what has happened to you and all the dark stories you have. This is a defensive reaction and it's generally met with a defensive reaction. If they had the capacity for empathy and understanding they would have backed off. I choose not to do this because there's nothing positive to be gained out of it.

Lastly...they won't back off and you can't evade it or walk away...open up the conversation. They don't see you...or they wouldn't be doing this. Get them talking...there is something they need to talk about. As a survivor of childhood abuse your life depended on being able to read bodylanguage and subtext in conversations....you'll probably clue in to what they're saying and what they're not saying. If you can't help them at least you will have a little more understanding as to why they are the way they are about it. You don't have to say anything at all...just ask them questions and listen. People have their reasons for things.

I don't have any anger or hatred about it at all. I'm fine. My life is good. It doesn't have to happen anymore and I definitely don't need to relive any part of it. I didn't get to this point overnight...and I'm not perfect. The thing is...I owe it to myself to be good to myself. On the loving one another as I have loved you/love your enemy/turn the other cheek/forgiveness commandment...lemonaide out of lemons and all that...I don't see that there is any other choice. Hatred can block so many other positive aspects that you could and should invite into your life.

[NeuroTypical]

God has some rather sharp words on the subject:

Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

So, the short answer to your question is, unless you want a weight of sin on you, greater than that of abusive and self-absorbed parents, then yes, you need to forgive.

Now, this is a case where the short answer just insn't sufficient. If you want the long answer, you have to read this.

Ensign: Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse - Richard G. Scott

I don't know what it's like to be you, nightshift, but my wife does. From the ages of 9-11-ish. She tells me she has managed to forgive. It is possible. Read the link, and God bless you.

LM

[Misshalfway]

I agree LM. I would just add though, that sometimes the blessing of forgiveness comes after wounds heal a bit. And it is ok to hand the matter to the Lord and ask for more capacity to forgive and for stumbling blocks in our thinking to be removed so that we can forgive. We don't have to punish ourselves if can't jump to light speed on this one. There is lots of help and tender mercies available to help us get there.....to help us to choose the higher road while our wounds are screaming for us to feel differently.

[melissar]

My husband was abused by his stepfather for many years. It has not been easy, but he has finally gotten to a place where he can forgive him. He was a totally different man before we joined the Church. I am so grateful for the Church because I do not know where my husband and I would be without it.

[georgia2]

In reading over some of the responses, some which are very good, I can share a few thoughts on things I have done.

I am a very good person. This is honoring my parents as well as ancestors.

I have forgiven the abuser thus releasing the angry ugly feelings. This stops them from having power to hurt me now. When we continue to hate, WE are the ones who are hurting us.

I have not passed the abuse to another generation which is being Christlike , honoring both my ancestors AND future generations.

I have stopped the possibility for any abuse to continue. Even as adults, if we subject ourselves to those people, and they have not changed, WE are the abuser because WE are allowing it. Example: If I was treated like I was dumb and stupid, made to feel insignificant, verbally attacked, made to feel inferior as a child and as an adult this person STILL treats me this way, then I don't put myself in the position for them to treat me this way. In other words, stay away from them!

I have done vast amounts of genealogy. I have learned from searching out my other ancestors that I had loving, nurturing, Christlike grandparents and great grands. This is tremendously healing! To know that I have loved ones waiting for me on the other side is very comforting and healing. It also has helped to understand to a small extent what may have happened to my abuser to make them be the way they were. Usually an abuser was abused. So to think of them as a little child who endured the things that I did, creates feelings of empathy and understanding and even love!

Before I could do the things stated above, I learned about abuse; the reasons it happens, the dynamics of abusive relationships, which cause abusers to marry victims, which continues the cycles for another generation. I also learned about why I had made the decisions in my life to form the negative relationships that I had made. Awareness brings understanding, understanding brings forgiveness.

And lastly, don't beat yourself up for having bad feelings for the abuser. If you knew of someone now abusing a child wouldn't you be angry? The only difference is time. AS a child you had no power to make it stop. AS an adult, you do have the power. It takes time to allow the abused child to grow emotionally to an adult, but when it does, the adult can have power to stop the abuse from continuing in your mind and heart.

And lastly, let the atonement begin to have the healing power that Christ payed the price for. Learn of the atonement. Get gospel books that deal with this topic on a deep level. Begin to let this sink in to your heart and soul. Begin to allow Christ to give you the love you deserved as a child, the love you deserve now.

[Dove]

[quote=NightShift;255140]Not your wife/children but parents. If your father was a violent psychopath that used to torture you and use your flesh as an ash tray just for fun. And your mother not caring if you where dead and alive and didn't even feed you. Would you be allowed to hate your family? Or does that go against the LDS belief?

Hello, Night Shift~

I've been reading through these posts, and haven't heard any replies from you since this thread has been started. How are you?

I'm so sorry that you went through such awful things while growing up. I know I don't understand what happened, and how you experienced it, I can only try to imagine the grief you must have felt.

I have gone through my own abuse from my dad while growing up. Abuse that effects me to this day. Of course you're going to feel anger and hurt towards your parents!! What they did was totally wrong! These crimes are serious and deserve to be thought of with outrage! I believe something would be wrong if one didn't feel those feelings towards acts that are so heinous!

I struggle with understanding why I was allowed to survive the experiences I had while growing up. I know God is Omniscient and Omnipotent. I have struggled with feeling betrayed by Him in letting me go through, and live to know of, such devastating things. I feel they left me emotionally crippled to a large extent, a crippling I will have to work with for the rest of my life.

I would like to tell you some things that have helped me towards healing, which is a work in progress~I offer this in the hope that it will help, and not hinder, your own process of healing.

I believe in God, and His love for me. I have felt the reassurances of His love for years, something I have sought out many times as I have struggled with serious depression throughout my life. A depression that I feel is a result of the abuse of my dad, the persecution of my peers while growing up, and my own biological make-up.

For me, it is okay to grieve. Mourning what happened is a natural process of healing. I mourn how deeply effected I was by what happened, the loss of a dream of a loving rational father who related to me appropriately and found me of worth and value. I am working on going to my Heavenly Father to learn how to appropriately relate to a father figure who loves me and has given me infinite worth and value.

I mourn the loss of who I would have been, had I not grown up in abusive circumstances. I feel so different from average, normal people, and not in a good way. I often feel isolated and alone. I am so grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost. He has repeatedly reassured me that I am not alone, even when there was no one physically around me. Because of God's love, I have come to value and appreciate qualities about myself that I would not have developed without the situation I grew up in. I am so grateful that I am more loving, patient, kind, and emphathetic towards the sorrows and faults of others. I am grateful because I am a passionate, intense person who wants to push forward in living my life to the fullest gy loving and being loved, knowing and being known by God and others.

One beautiful concept that is taught by the LDS religion is the doctrine of agency. In the Book of Mormon, there is a scripture that says "God (Christ) Himself atones for the sins of the world, to bring about the plan of mercy, to appease the demands of justice, that God might be a perfect, just God, and a merciful God also."~ Alma 42:15. While I am grateful for God's grace that is so needed by each of us, I don't believe this grace lets us off the hook in being responsible and held accountable for our own actions. Part of our steps for repentance include confessing our sins and making restitution where possible. The Book of Mormon states that one "must repent or he cannot be saved!" (Alma 5:30-31). This helps me to know that while forgiveness for all may be required on my part, this doesn't mean that the acts of my abuser are condoned by God, or that the abuser is let off the hook for what he did simply because of Christ's atonement. I am comforted in knowing that I can trust that Father in Heaven is perfectly just and merciful, and that those two concepts will prevail in the final day.

Anyway, I hope this helps you in your search for peace concerning your own issues. I appreciate you taking the time to read this. Best of wishes to you~

Dove

[georgia2]

I totally agree with the post by Dove. The parents who abuse their children ARE and WILL BE held accountable for the things they have done! One of the reasons these things are allowed to happen is so that Heavenly Father CAN punish them! If He stopped them, justice could not be served. In other words, if it was stopped they wouldn't get punished. There is a talk I heard on BYU regarding a woman who went through horrible abuse as a girl and received a blessing from her Stake Pres and the things told her where AMAZING>!!! It explained things in a way I never imagined. I'm gonna try to find it and post it so all can listen and gain a new and healing prospective.

[Maya]

Thank you night Shift this has been a very good discussion, so many good replyes. I red every post.

I know it hurts but please dont give up on your parents. Give the judgement to the God. Like someone here mentions, when a person really gets the Gods words and light in to their heart and life that person is not the same as before. You never know when your parents might do that.

I am sure your parents if they just could understand what they did... and some day they will .. they will feel SO BAD. It will either be their hell in eternity or if they go the way Jesus has made for us, it will be eternal joy with you, their child. Dont think a moment, that they wont one day really understand the horrors they made you go through they will and our prayer is that it will be rather sooner than later....

But before they understand you are asked a LOT, as you are asked to carry the family in your heart, untill the healing can be completed. It is sad to have missed ALL that fun one could have had with a parent...

I was adapted. when I was a youth I had difficult time to see, that I was worth anything or loved by anyone as even my own mother gave me away... However later I met my mother and my half siblings. It was the only time I met her, before she passed away. I do feel a special love for my real mother and father and my half siblings even though they have their things there, in Canada and I have mine here.... I stil kind of miss them in my heart even though I never lived with them.

I also do the genealogy for my both families.... My kids are sooo rich 6 grandparents!!