In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

Ahhhh with that explanation I understand the "everything" then. Thanks for teaching me something today.

[pam]

I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow,

"My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America, and I married Marilyn Monroe!"

When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."

[Churchmouse]

The kids at the elementary school like this one.

This string was walking down the street when he felt hungry. He walked into Mcdonald's and said, "I'd like a hamburger, french fries and a Coke". The person behind the counter asked, "Are you a string" to which he replied, "Yes, I am". "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here".

String walks a little ways. Still hungry, he stops in Burger King. At the counter he orders, 'A hamburger, french fries and a Pepsi'. "Aren't you a string" the counter person asked? "Yes, I am" replied string. The counter person relpies, "We don't serve strings. You"ll have to leave."

String is really hungry now. He decides if he changes his appearance he may have better luck. He ties himself in a knot and frayes out his top to look like hair. He walked into Wendy's and gives his order, "I'd like a hamburger, french fries and a Coke". The person behind the counter questions, "Are you a string"? String replies, "I'm a frayed knot".

[Madriglace]

A little girl comes home from school in tears, her mother asks her what the problem is. The little girl tells her mom that her teacher called her a scurvy elephant. The mother immediately goes to the school to have a word with the teacher. When asked why the teacher called the little girl such awful names she replied that she didn't say the girl was a scurvy elephant but that she was a disturbing element.

[Madriglace]

A man on his way home one night cuts through a cemetary to save time. As he is walking he falls into a freshly dug grave. Hours later a drunk on his way home wanders through the same cemetary and hears a voice crying "I'm cold, I'm cold" ... the drunk walks over to the open grave, looks in and says "Well no wonder, you kicked all the dirt off!"

[pam]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[pam]

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself.

Then he understood why...

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words:

Psycho-

the-

rapist

[pam]

God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given ...

WOMEN: Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens; yet they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home.

They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans and uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into the right schools and to get their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal and forgiving. They are smart, they know that knowledge is power, but they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or email you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin. Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want in return is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.

MEN: Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing bugs.

[pam]

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears.

His friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old friend?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"Sounds like you should be grateful..."

"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

Now he was really confused. "Then, how come you look so glum?"

"This week... nothing!"

[pam]

Two medical students are in the hospital cafeteria having lunch when a classmate rushes in excitedly and sits down next to them.

"I've just decided on my specialty," he says. "Mothers-in-law."

"Mothers-in-law?" one of the others asks. "Why?"

"Well," he says, "if the mother-in-law gets better, the daughter is going to pay me very well. And if she dies, the son-in-law will pay me double."

[pam]

A young couple was expecting a visit from the pastor of their church. They wanted everything to go smoothly, but their two year old son was just getting the hang of potty training.

He was at the stage where he would announce at the top of his voice, "I gotta pee," when he had to go to the bathroom.

His father, worried that this might be embarrassing when the minister came to call, instructed the child, "Don't shout that you've got to pee. Whisper!"

That evening the pastor makes his visit. He's there a very long time and the two year old is on one foot and the other.

Finally, the minister asks him, "What's the matter, son?"

The child looks at his dad and says, "I've gotta whisper!"

The Pastor answered, "It's all right, child. Whisper in my ear."

[pam]

One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.

"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.

"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"

[pam]

The big event of the day at school was the children having their school pictures taken.The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

[daenvgiell]

where do you get your jokes from pam?

[pam]

I get 3 a day sent to me by email Mon thru Fri.

[daenvgiell]

well no wonder you're always posting!!!!

[omega0401]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.... Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

[pam]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

[pam]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said.

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now...

Love, Mom

[pam]

well no wonder you're always posting!!!!

Hey I like jokes.:)

[daenvgiell]

Hey I like jokes.:)

Me too!!!!

[Churchmouse]

Happy (early) Easter

A woman opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing there she asked". To which the rabbit responded "This is a westinghouse isn't it".

"Yes it is" she said. The rabbit answered " Well, I'm westing".

I know that's really, really bad:D

[talisyn]

Happy (early) Easter

A woman opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing there she asked". To which the rabbit responded "This is a westinghouse isn't it".

"Yes it is" she said. The rabbit answered " Well, I'm westing".

I know that's really, really bad:D

Yes, yes it was. My daughter and I loved it

[pam]

I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an empty cart when I heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?"

"No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As I walked toward the store, I heard her murmur, "Typical male."

[skippy740]

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.