In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A wizened gentleman is sitting on his front porch when up walks a young man with a clipboard in his hand.

The porch-sitter asks: "What are you selling?"

"I'm not selling anything," the young man says. "I'm the census taker."

"A what?" the man asks.

"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answers. "You're wasting your time with me, I haven't the foggiest idea."

[pam]

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, for it read, "Deepest Sympathy."

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's all right." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"Unfortunately," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

"Congratulations on your new location," was the reply.

[pam]

THREE WOMEN IN A SAUNA

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE A SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THE PEACEFULNESS AND RELAXATION OF THE MOMENT WAS INTERRUPTED BY A BEEPING SOUND. USING HER RIGHT HAND, THE FIRST YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER LEFT FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE BEGAN TO RING. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR AND BEGAN TO SPEAK. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP EMBEDDED IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FEELING VERY LOW TECH, BUT NOT ABOUT TO BE OUTDONE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING TO PUT THIS NONSENSE ALL TO REST. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE RESTROOM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE YOUNGER WOMEN RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER IN UTTER DISBELIEF.

WITH THAT, THE OLDER WOMAN LOOKED THEM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AND SAID......... “WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!"

(Sorry for the caps, I was too lazy to retype it)

[pam]

Those eternal vows do not promise the advent of wisdom.

A man married barely a year goes back to the pastor who performed his wedding ceremony.

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" the parishioner asks.

"Definitely not," is the minister's answer.

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes, my son, absolutely."

"OK. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year.

[pam]

"I don't know," the world-famous novelist said to his editor. "I just don't think my newer books are as good as my earlier works."

"Ridiculous" the understanding editor replied, "your writing is the same as it ever was. It's your taste that's improved."

[skippy740]

RECALL NOTICE:

The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed

"Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some of the symptoms include:

1. Loss of direction

2. Foul vocal emissions

3. Amnesia of origin

4. Lack of peace and joy

5. Selfish or violent behavior

6. Depression or confusion in the mental component

7. Fearfulness

8. Idolatry

9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.

The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

1. Love

2. Joy

3. Peace

4. Patience

5. Kindness

6.. Goodness

7. Faithfulness

8. Gentleness

9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I..B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!

- GOD

P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'.

[pam]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and make love to her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[pam]

Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps, five bad bridesmaids did not.

The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end on a high note.

Last Sunday the priest ended with...

"Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids?"

I wasn't the only one who got it wrong!

[pam]

No matter where you travel, it seems creeping Americanism will catch up with you.

Two Americans traveling through English country lanes were arguing about how to pronounce the name of the town into which they wandered.

They decided to stop for lunch and settle the matter by asking a waitress.

"Please tell us where we are," one said, "but say it very, very slowly."

Sure, she replied. "Bur-ger Ki-ng."

[pam]

Financial advice is free as the wind, but the consequences of using it often are painful.

A girl in tears came running to her father. "You gave me some bad financial advice." she said.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about, that's one of the largest banks in the world," he said, "surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," said the girl, "they just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

[pam]

Men take it on the chin daily for being insensitive. It's not their fault -- simply poor communication.

• "I heard you" really means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
• "It's a guy thing" really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
• "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear" really means: absolutely nothing -- it's a conditioned response.
• "We're going to be late" really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

[Palerider]

What do God and President Obama have in common???????

God does not have a Birth Certificate either.....

[Jamie123]

Judge: "You have been found not guilty of theft."

Defendant: "Cool! Does that mean I can keep the money?"

[pam]

A newcomer to London arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.

She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"

The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."

[pam]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, an attractive woman says, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replies the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," says the woman. "I'll take 10 yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measures out the cloth, wraps it up, then teasingly holds it out.

The woman snaps up the package, points to the somewhat aged gentleman standing beside her and smiles, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

[pam]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,

'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

We haven't even "swept" together..I think you've been "sweeping" around.

[pam]

"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.

"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.

"The regional vice president died this morning!"

"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"

"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began explaining.

"Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one." "Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."

"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 - 1 - 1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

[pam]

Ah, academic research in the golden age of computers.

Mother: "How's your history paper coming?"

Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful.

Mother: "Really?"

Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people willing to sell theirs!"

[pam]

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him". He picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man?

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

[not_ashamed]

Okay well i'm not sure if this will be funny to anyone else but it sure got a laugh in my house.

During general conference this past year my son who at the time was 5 became very curious about Jesus. At that age they are so easily confused. Anyway, I overheard him asking my 8 yr old if Jesus was invisible, her reply was no hes not invisible you just can't see him. To which he said WHAT?????

[Truegrits]

One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.

She asks "What ARE you doing"?

The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy.

The boss will see me, think I need rest, and send me home for a few days".

The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it".

The boss spots the blonde looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!"

The man says (in a "crazy" voice) "I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb"

The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".

As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde, showing her it worked.

The blonde thinks about this for a moment, then starts to follow the man out the door.

The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"

The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".

[pam]

A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, " I am only going to sunbathe."

The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! Have you ever seen ... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

[talisyn]

A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, " I am only going to sunbathe."

The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! Have you ever seen ... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

I'm speechless

[skippy740]

Where's that groan button?

[pam]

Oh I'm offended Skippy. haha Okay not really. It was pretty lame.