In need of some clean humor!

[skippy740]

I'm offended by your offense. LOL

[Mahonri]

Do YOU KNOW WHY 'SIX' (6) IS AFRAID OF SEVEN ? (today)

Because '7'/ "8"/ '9'!!!!!

[Mahonri]

True story...

My six year old daughter and I were just getting out of the swimming pool last Tuesday.

(It's hotter than hades down here)

So as we get out she gives me a hug and says, "Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you!"

Incredulous, I say, you've got to be kidding...

To that she says, we'll, I don't want to be fat (I'm rotund)... and forget the boy thing too!

[pam]

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.

"All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around"

[pam]

The blonde office worker who got tired of being considered dumb went home one evening and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, a co-worker started telling a dumb blonde joke. The office worker who memorized capitals interrupted him with a shrill announcement.

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes," she said. "I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the men gathered around the water cooler said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

She drew herself up with a confident smile on her face. "N," she answered.

[pam]

The local sheriff would be well advised to continue his search for a smart deputy.

Not-so-bright Herman went in to apply for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," Herman replied instantly.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but of course, he's right."

Then he asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

"Today and tomorrow," Herman answered.

Again the sheriff was surprised that Herman had supplied a correct answer he'd never considered. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" the sheriff asked.

Herman looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute, then admitted, "I don't know."

"Well," said the sheriff, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

Hopeful Herman left the office and wandered over to the barber shop, where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. "It went great!" he enthused. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[pam]

College students may not always show it on tests, but just how wise they are comes out in other ways.

Consider what happened one day as a linguistics professor was lecturing to his class. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

[pam]

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."

After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.

[john doe]

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."

After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.

Hmmmm, when I heard that joke 35+ years ago it was 'men of Polish descent', not blonde men.

[pam]

I don't do ethnic jokes. I guess I missed it 35+ years ago as I'm only 29. hahahaha

[pam]

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is," she said.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

[pam]

A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce.

He asks, Any grounds?

Woman: yeah, about 2 acres.

Lawyer: Do you have a grudge?

Woman: No, we have a car port.

Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning?

Woman: No,I get up before him.

Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don't you want a divorce?

Woman: No, my husband wants it ... he says he can't communicate with me!

[pam]

Somewhere out there, there must be a husband who never needed an alibi.

One who really needed one accidentally flew into the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada known simply as "Area 51."

Authorities immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[pam]

As any parent knows, children can be persistent -- and creative -- when they want something.

Consider this tale of the small boy who was persistent and resourceful. Five minutes after his father put him down for the night he called out, "Da-ad."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No," his father said. "You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later the call came again: "Da-aaaad."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can I have a drink of water?"

"I told you No! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!"

Another five minutes, another plea: "Daaaa-aaaAAAAD. "

"What? "

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

[pam]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

…. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag !!

[lilered]

Taken from childrens' responses at a Catholic School: They are hilarious.

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU ARE EVEN REMOTELY FAMILIAR WITH HOLY SCRIPTURE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A ROMAN CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RE-TOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIM SELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTER WARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL ..

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BE FORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE..

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THETOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE A POSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

[pam]

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

So many I about died laughing but this one was great.

[omega0401]

SISTERS, I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR WITH THESE. I CERTAINLY HAVE NO BAD FEELINGS ABOUT WOMEN OR MARRIAGE!!!!!!!

By all Means... MARRY! I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous (I think this one is my favorite)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous

A son asked his Dad how much it costs to get married. His Dad replied: I don't know son, I'm still paying.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[Jamie123]

Man goes to the doctor. He says "I feel terrible. I think I'm suffering from Alice."

"Alice?" says the doctor, surprised. "I've been a medical man for 20 years and I've never heard any disease called Alice!"

"Oh really?" says the man. "Well, Christopher Robin went down with it!"

[Jamie123]

"There's only one proper way to bring up children...and I've no idea what it is." (Basil Brush)

Which gives me an idea for another one: (By the way, don't read this if you're easily grossed out.)

"The best way to bring up children is to stick your fingers down your throat" (Caleb the Cannibal)

[pam]

Man goes to the doctor. He says "I feel terrible. I think I'm suffering from Alice."

"Alice?" says the doctor, surprised. "I've been a medical man for 20 years and I've never heard any disease called Alice!"

"Oh really?" says the man. "Well, Christopher Robin went down with it!"

I totally don't get this.

[Mahone]

I totally don't get this.

Your lack of British associations is evident

[Mahone]

I totally don't get this.

This may clear some things up for you :)

[pam]

A magician working on a cruise ship was frustrated. The captain's parrot knew all his tricks and would shout the performer's secret in the middle of each show.

The magician wanted to strangle the bird, but it was the captain's pet.

Then the boat sank -- and the performer found himself on a raft in the middle of the ocean with only the parrot for company.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot said: "Okay, I give up. Where's the boat?"

[pam]

Your lack of British associations is evident

How funny, I post that I don't get it because others have asked the same thing privately and I'm the one that is told I'm lacking. See if I help anyone again.