In need of some clean humor!

[Truegrits]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

[pam]

The Chargers fan raised both of his hands and cried, "This is for everyone!" He then shoved the Patriots fan off

Still, you just became my new best friend.

[pam]

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,"Oh Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."

"On the other hand, Port gives me gas."

[RickJ]

true story...

We took a long week end away at the start of November. On the Friday morning we went down to the local supermarket to get supplies for the week end. as we are wandering through picking up bits and pieces our 4 year old daughter is talking away (well she hardly ever stops really) and she is telling me about all the things she loves about being in our family. As we turned the corner at the end of one of the aisles we passed one of the "free tiny morsel" ladies setting up for the day. As we came abreast of her Emma was still reciting her list of things she loved and promptly piped up with "and i really love your guts dad, I love you guts soooooo much".

Well I thought it was kinda a cute and thought "Oh, how sweet she is just trying to say how very much she loves me". The "morsel lady" was quietly giggling to herself so I gave her a smile an d thought that was it until a little voice behind me finished her statement...

"Yeah dad, I love them sooo much because they are so soft and squishy when I put my head on them, they a better than my pillow."

At this point I bent down to help the "morsel lady" get back up from where she had collapsed in howls of laughter.

[Hemidakota]

Cartoon: Missionary Gift List

From Mormon Life by Arie Van De Graaff

My 12 year old daughter, Soleil, just popped in to tell me that her younger brother, Ammon, aged six asked, "Why does Jesus have long hair?" She thought it was funny that he asked that and as she finished telling me and went back to Ammon I heard her say, "They didn't have scissors back then."

--Carol McDonald, Christchurch, New Zealand

My mom and I took my 6 year old nephew with us to Sacrament over Thanksgiving, as we were babysitting him while his Mom was out of town. Jeremy didn't regularly go to church, but had been before and knew he was supposed to be quiet and reverent. He folded his arms during prayers and quietly colored the rest of the time. Right after the bread was passed he had a funny look on his face and motioned to me that he wanted to tell me a secret...I leaned down and he whispered, "that was pretty good but I wish they served cookies instead of plain ol' bread!"

--Clarrisa Gonzales, Provo, Utah, USA

A recent Thanksgiving sharing time was about gratitude. Each member of the junior primary was supposed to tell what they were thankful for, then the leader would write it on a turkey feather to be added to the turkey. The sunbeam class began, there was the usual, "thankful for my family, my pets, my house, my friends, Jesus and then one little boy said "the Hulk"!

--P. Bond, Arizona, USA

My sister and I were picked up from work by my nephew one evening and upon arriving home we noticed my brother-in-law cleaning coolers, pots and the front yard. We couldn't believe our eyes, even my nephew who did a second glance said, "I better repent quick, it must be the second coming, uncle is cleaning!"

--Anna Afuvai, Oakland, California, USA

In Primary today the Presidency member was giving the spiritual message in sharing time discussing the miracles Christ had performed while he was on earth when one little boy commented confidently," that was before he was crossified."

--Barbara Axe, Phoenix, Arizona, USA

Latterdayreviews.Com

[Truegrits]

:lol:A bit disgruntled looking, huh???:lol:

[pam]

I've seen this before but just got it in an email this morning and describes my life perfectly.

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning, I finished a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

But actually the depression started setting in after I stepped on the scales.

Edited December 4, 2008 by pam

[pam]

In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you are supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.

I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling. He expects that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup ... gonna be a bear!

[omega0401]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

[pam]

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

[pam]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."

"That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[pam]

The Queen was showing the Archbishop around the Royal Stables when a stallion passed gas very loudly.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm sorry about that."

"That's okay" said the Archbishop, "I thought it was the horse."

[pam]

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor.

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down ... I think there's yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. . . It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[Truegrits]

The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.

He turned on the jockey.

"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"

"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was driving down the road faster than the speed limit.

Sunddenly, there were lights flashing behind, and the officer stops him.

The man says "Please officer, dont arrest me, I'm a poor preacher."

The oficer says "I know, I've heard you."

[Fiannan]

God decides to take a break and spend some time in Miami. He sits on a park bench, dressed in conventional attire, and looks out over the beautiful beach scene. Soon a couple of middle-aged Jewish women come over and sit down and start talking.

Jewish woman #1: "What's the world coming to? My son always was a good Jewish boy. He went to temple all the time, loved to read his torah, and I thought he'd someday become a rabbi. Then he went off to college and within a year announces that he's become a Christian!!!

Jewish woman #2: "Yes, I know what you mean. My son started dating a Chrisian girl when he was in medical school. Next thing you know he goes and announces they are engaged and he's decided to become a Christian as well!!!

Then God replies: "I know exactly what you women are going through. I have a son and when I sent Him on a religious mission to Israel of all places..."

[Fiannan]

An atheist, fully disgusted with the Christmas holidays, decides to go hiking in the mountains on Christmas day. While he's hiking a huge grizzley bear wanders onto the path, notices him and starts to approach.

Suddenly the atheist thinks fast and says a prayer -- "God, if you are there, and I seriously doubt you are, but if you are there please demonstrate some of that awesome power your followers claim you have and make that bear into a nice Christian bear."

Then, all of the sudden an angel appears, grins and sighs, and says "Well, guess what my brother, your wish has been granted."

Then the bear gets on its knees and folds its arms and bows its head.

The atheist then says, "Never seen a bear do that before...what's the matter with him?"

The angel replies "Oh, nothing is wrong...he's just saying grace before dinner!"

[WillowTheWhisp]

A businessman is in a great deal of trouble. He has put everything into his business and it is still failing. He owes everybody. In fact, things have gotten so bad that he contemplates suicide.

As a last resort, he goes to a priest and pours out his story of tears and woe. When he has finished, the priest says, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible. The wind will riffle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer. That will tell you what to do."

A year later, the businessman goes back to the priest and brings his wife and children with him. The man is in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulls an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, and gives it to the priest as a donation as thanks for his advice.

The priest recognizes the benefactor, of course, and is curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asks.

"Absolutely," the businessman replies.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages riffle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

I don't get this. Can somebody explain it to me?

[pam]

Chapter 11 is a form of bankruptcy here in the US. Wipes out your debt.

[pam]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

Edited December 12, 2008 by pam

[pam]

This woman heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point. The woman came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The woman said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman said, "Pasteurized?"

The woman said, "No, just up to my waist."

[pam]

A wealthy banker falls in love with a young woman he knows very little about. His lawyers, fearful that their client may have fallen for someone who is going to scam him out of all of his money, hire a private detective to check up on her.

A week later, the detective reports back. "That young woman is a virtuous person," he says. "She conducts herself beautifully and is very decent."

He pauses. "There's only one black mark against her that I could find. She's going out with an unscrupulous banker, shameless in his business dealings, and with a terrible reputation."

[pam]

A Sunday school class has been studying the idea of heaven for several weeks, and one Sunday morning the minister stops by to see how the students are doing.

"All right, children," he says after the teacher introduces him. "What is the most beautiful place you can imagine, one filled with beautiful things, where everyone is immensely happy?"

As with the one voice, the children shout, "Disneyland!"

[bodhigirlsmiles]

Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?

A: Because he didn't have any attachments.

i can make fun of my own religion, right?!

[Truegrits]

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

[Hemidakota]

Oh...that one made me hurt when laughiing.