In need of some clean humor!

[Vort]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his own Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'' It depends" I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' PENN STATE '

And they say blondes are dumb...

But look who married him!

At least it didn't say "State Pen".

[lilered]

WIFELY DUTIES

Three men were sitting together discussing about how they had given their new wives her duties.

The first man had married a woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and housecleaning.

It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Nebraska . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a mormon girl from Utah. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. They were also going to have 12 kids over the next 9 years.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

[Moksha]

I didn't realize he was Mormon until I saw that plate of green Jell-O in front of him.

[pam]

I got this in an email from my brother today.

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[pam]

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear.

Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

[Berean]

ok, this is the true, bigoted version upon request...

an Englishman, an American and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

they all order an alcoholic beverage and each finds a fly...

The Englishman sends it back complaining.

The American takes the fly out and drinks it.

The Scotsman says "Spit it out you (explitive)"

...sorry I like the dumb one better as my brother in law is Scottish.

and I hope I did not offend anyone...no more bigoted jokes for me, but thanks for the link.

[Wingnut]

ok, this is the true, bigoted version upon request...

an Englishman, an American and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

they all order an alcoholic beverage and each finds a fly...

The Englishman sends it back complaining.

The American takes the fly out and drinks it.

The Scotsman says "Spit it out you (explitive)"

...sorry I like the dumb one better as my brother in law is Scottish.

and I hope I did not offend anyone...no more bigoted jokes for me, but thanks for the link.

The version I've heard is still different (and meaner) than that.

[Berean]

Does it make it any meaner if I say the Scotsman calls the fly questions the fly's parentage and the marital status of his mother at the time of his conception?

[pam]

A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.

The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?"

The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays for the country!"

[pam]

Mastering a vessel at sea is a matter of fundamentals -- or at least the crew thought so.

In the case of the late Capt. Blather, things were different. Although he was admired by his officers and crew, there was a lingering note of concern.

Every day while at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note and read the note inside. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

The day came that the captain died and the crew buried him at sea. After the ceremony, the first mate led the entire crew to the captain's quarters. There he opened the safe and the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew:

"Always remember, Port: Left, Starboard: Right."

[lilered]

Some more things to Ponder

I have kleptomania,

but when it gets bad,

I take something for it

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

In just two days from now,

tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist

with a limited inventory

I may be schizophrenic,

but at least I have each other

Can we Preserve the Spotted Owl

(in formaldehyde)

When you work here,

you can name your own salary.

I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything,

but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

I like cats too.

Let's exchange recipes. Red meat is not bad for you

Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

Edited March 6, 2009 by lilered

[lilered]

Retribution of Wealth after Death!!

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I wamt her to go nuts looking for the jewelry

[pam]

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................

AND THE WINNER IS ...

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[pam]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax

- OH, MY Gosh!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[pam]

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[pam]

During a taxi run, the crew of a US AIR flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on Charlie taxiway; you turned right on Delta. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically.

Now, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am." The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at the airport was running high.

Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[pam]

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

[pam]

Two men were chatting casually at work. The conversation turned to golf and one asked the other, "Do you play?"

"Yes, the younger man replied, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I consistently shot in the lower seventies."

There was a long, low intake of breath, then the other man said, "Lower seventies, huh?"

"Yes," his coworker said.

"Consistently?"

"Yup, Every hole," the man said with a sigh.

[pam]

After many years at sea, a pirate decided it was time to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he could also collect disability insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye.

The agency assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work-related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" asked the agent.

In a booming voice the pirate replied, "Well matey, you see it was like this. Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swung 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg."

"Well, that is certainly work-related. How did you lose your hand?"

In a booming voice, the pirate replied, "Well matey, you see it was like this. Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swung 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand."

"Well that is certainly work-related. How did you lose your eye?"

In a booming voice the pirate replied, "Well matey, you see it was like this. I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this darn seagull flew by and dropped the remains of his dinner right in me eye!"

"Well yes, but what does that have to do with the loss of your eye?"

"It was the first day with me hook!"

[lilered]

Indian Chiefs observation, on Daylite Savings Time:

When told the reason for daylight saving time the old Indian Chief said... 'Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket.'

[Truegrits]

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted!

[pam]

That was hilarious TG.

[pam]

A wife is making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband bursts into the kitchen.

"Careful! Careful! Put in some more butter! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful! I said be careful!

"You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them! You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife stares at him. "What the heck is wrong with you?" she asks. "You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

Says her husband calmly, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[pam]

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

[pam]

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help.

Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, 'HORSE for sale.'"