In need of some clean humor!

[rameumptom]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call, on May 5, for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.... But as we know....the great ship did not make it to New York....The ship hit an iceberg and sank....and the cargo was forever lost....

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery....were disconsolate at the loss...,. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.... The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th....and is known....of course....as;

Sinko de Mayo

[pam]

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:

"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I could not stop talking!"

[pam]

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.

Finally, Finn went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Trom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part sodium.

"You mean?" Jim said when told.

"Yes," said Tom, "they needed mono-sodium glue to mate."

[pam]

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

[Jamie123]

Definition of an intellectual: Anyone who can listen to Gioachino Rossini's William Tell overture WITHOUT thinking about The Lone Ranger.

[pam]

A woman dies after a long illness. She arrives in heaven at the pearly gates and Saint Peter tells her she has to spell a word correctly in order to get into heaven. He asks her to spell the word "love." She spells it correctly -- L.O.V.E. -- and so Saint Peter lets her into heaven.

A few months later, her husband arrives at the pearly gates, also hoping to get into heaven. He asks his wife what she had to do to get in and she tells him she just had to pass a spelling test.

While they're waiting for Saint Peter, she asks him what he's been doing since she died. He tells her he married the pretty, young nurse who had cared for her during her illness. Then he and his new bride collected her life insurance money, bought a Mercedes and a yacht then went on a cruise around the world. Then they went on a skiing holiday in Switzerland, and while there, an avalanche killed him.

Turns out, Saint Peter was awfully busy that day, so the wife offered to administer the spelling test. The husband asked, "Right-o then, what word do you want me to spell?"

Her response? "Czechoslovakia."

[pam]

A young man calls his mother to tell her he has just met the woman of his dreams. He wants to know what he should do now.

"I have an idea," says his mother. "Why don't you send her flowers and, on the card, invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

The young fellow thinks that is a great strategy and arranges a date for a week later. The day after the big date, his mother calls to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moans.

"Why, didn't she come over?" his mother asks.

"Oh, she came over," he says. "But she refused to cook."

[skippy740]

Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2009

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

[pam]

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming, as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[Churchmouse]

Two Mormon missionaries serving in Louisiana were preparing to cross a very narrow foot bridge when they saw the area Catholic Priest coming across from the other side. They waited for him to cross since the bridge was only wide enough for single file traffic. As the priest left the bridge he addressed the missionaries " Good Morning, Sons of the Devil" to which the missionaries answered, "Good Morning Father".

[ploomf]

This is one of my favorite posts on notalwaysright.com

(A teacher calls me to her classroom. She is trying to project an image on a screen behind a student for a TV camera shot with the projector at eye level in front of the student.)

Teacher: “There is a shadow behind the student now. How can I get rid of that?”

Me: “You can’t. He is blocking the light from the projector from getting to the screen. You could put the projector behind the student, but the image would be smaller on the screen.”

Teacher: “Then what can we do?”

(I get the idea of holding a piece of paper over part of the lens of the projector to create a square area where the student stands where no light would shine. This gives the shadow a bit neater of a shape rather than a human shape.)

Me: “Here, hold this paper over the left side of the lens where the student is standing.”

(The teacher puts a piece of paper RIGHT IN FRONT of the students face.)

Me: “No, right by the lens so a square unlit area will be where the student is standing.”

(The teacher moves the piece of paper and puts it directly BEHIND the students head.)

Me: “No, here…”

(I put the piece of paper in front of the projector lens, leaving a nice square dark area on the screen where the student would stand.)

Teacher: “Well now there is a square there! There is no image directly behind the student, just around the student!”

Me: “Yeah, I know. There is nothing you can do about that, though. It’s the physics of light.”

Teacher: “What if I ask your boss? Think he could do it?”

Me: “No, he cannot bend light around objects.”

Teacher: “Why not?”

Me: “Because he’s not a black hole.”

[lilered]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well

as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the

family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal

test the husband could perform to give the doctor a

better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor,

"stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a

normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking

dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself,

"I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what

happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks,

'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about

30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is

about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10

feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)

"BOB, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

[pam]

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one -- a retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.

"I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.

"Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister.

The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.

[pam]

When the time comes, no nursing home for me. I'm checking into the Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way to handle getting old and feeble.

I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want; or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer and dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

They treat you like a customer, not a patient. For $5 in tips a day, the entire staff will be scrambling to help you.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up if you fake a decent limp. To meet other nice people, call a temple or church bus on Saturday or Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life! No worries about visits from family. They'll always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So, when I reach the "Golden Age," I'll face it with a grin.

[pam]

A mechanic was busy removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson motorcycle when a well-known heart surgeon entered his shop.

The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The doctor, a bit surprised, walked over.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take out the valves, fix them, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So why do I get such a small salary and you get big bucks, when you and I are basically doing the same work?"

The surgeon smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

[talisyn]

When the time comes, no nursing home for me. I'm checking into the Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way to handle getting old and feeble.

I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want; or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer and dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

They treat you like a customer, not a patient. For $5 in tips a day, the entire staff will be scrambling to help you.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up if you fake a decent limp. To meet other nice people, call a temple or church bus on Saturday or Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life! No worries about visits from family. They'll always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So, when I reach the "Golden Age," I'll face it with a grin.

You know what? This is a workable idea

[skippy740]

Except that I wouldn't trust the maids to turn over the sheets - let alone to turn me every 1/2 hour!

And I really hope that the Holiday Inn doesn't have bedpans!

[pam]

A woman is walking through the park with her toddler when the little girl picks something off the ground and starts to put it in her mouth.

"Don't put that in your mouth," the mother says.

"Why?" the child asks.

"Because it has been lying on the ground and is dirty and probably has germs."

"How do you know all this stuff, Mommy?" the child asks.

"It's on the Mommy Test," the mother says. "You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."

"Oh, I get it," the little one says after a few seconds. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy."

[pam]

Disclaimer: I may have already posted this.

A truck driver was driving along on the highway. A sign comes into view that reads, "Low bridge ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him, and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver replies, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

[BenRaines]

Sounds like a line from Bill Engvall.

Ben Raines

[pam]

"I don't want you to think I don't like marriage," said the man to his friend.

"I've been happily married three times.

My last wife was one of them women's libbers.

She got mad 'cause I opened the car door for her.

Of course, we were going 75 mph when I did it."

[pam]

A U.S. Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight.

During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave. I have just one stripe. It's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sewer waste from your aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?

[pam]

While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist church ladies happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second good Baptist sister answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the good Baptist sister said, 'This is for washing our hair.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me.'

[pam]

A blind man with a seeing-eye dog goes into a large Department Store.

He wanders about for a while, then stops, snatches the dog up by its tail, and begins to twirl it around over his head.

Upon seeing this, a clerk goes to the blind man and says "May I help you, sir?", to which the blind man responds, "No, thank you, I'm just looking around."

[pam]

A man goes in to see his boss. "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow," he says, "so I have to leave work early to get her a present."

"What does she want?" the boss asks.

"I asked her that last week," the man says, "and she told me, 'Oh, I don't know. Just give me something with diamonds.'"

"So what are you getting her?" the boss asks.

Says the employee, "A pack of playing cards."