In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

This may clear some things up for you :)

I guess I just don't see the humor in it. But that's okay. A lot don't find humor in mine as well.

[Vort]

I totally don't get this.

That's because (to be blunt -- sorry) it isn't funny. It depends on the British figure of speech "to go down with [something]", which means approximately the same as the American phrase "to come down with [something]". Thus, it's a double entendre (a triple entendre if you count the sexual meaning, which I'm sure is not implied here). You also need to be familiar with an obscure British ditty about Christopher Robin going down with Alice to watch the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

[Mahone]

That's because (to be blunt -- sorry) it isn't funny. It depends on the British figure of speech "to go down with [something]", which means approximately the same as the American phrase "to come down with [something]". Thus, it's a double entendre (a triple entendre if you count the sexual meaning, which I'm sure is not implied here). You also need to be familiar with an obscure British ditty about Christopher Robin going down with Alice to watch the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

While not defending the joke (I'd never heard of that joke myself until Jamie123 posted it and I don't find it that funny because there are too many like it) the word "obscure" is completely the wrong word to describe the poem. Everyone (or at least most people) in Britain have heard of the author, A.A. Milne. He is most famous for writing the winnie the poo series which most children in Britain even today know about. The book the poem was published in is also extremely famous. :)

EDIT:

Thought I'd add this from amazon:

Amazon.com Review

In all likelihood, your mother or father read you these poems and remember their parents reading the same. This collection of poetry by the creator of Winnie the Pooh was first published in 1924. With its companion volume Now We Are Six, the little books became two of the biggest bestsellers in publishing history. Children all over the world have heard about changing the guard at Buckingham Palace; James James Morrison Morrison Weather by George Dupree; the three little foxes who kept their handkerchiefs in cardboard boxes; and, of course, Christopher Robin, named for A.A. Milne's son. Adults and older children will enjoy Milne's poems too, as some of his humor is subtly directed at a more sophisticated audience. But younger children are the ones who love the naughty Mary Jane (lovely rice pudding again?) and the bears on the corners of London's streets. Read these poems aloud and pass along (or start) a family tradition. (Ages 5 to 9)

Edited July 23, 2009 by Mahone

[lilered]

The Power of Alcohol

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*

(Wait for it.)

*

*

*

(It's coming.)

*

*

(Ya ready?)

*

*

* (Don't hate me!)

*

*

* (Yer gonna hate me!)

*

*

* (Take a deep breath)

*

*

*

" He should've quit while he was a head!"

[pam]

That's because (to be blunt -- sorry) it isn't funny. It depends on the British figure of speech "to go down with [something]", which means approximately the same as the American phrase "to come down with [something]". Thus, it's a double entendre (a triple entendre if you count the sexual meaning, which I'm sure is not implied here). You also need to be familiar with an obscure British ditty about Christopher Robin going down with Alice to watch the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

Thank you Vort. I thought it was just me.

[Mahone]

Thank you Vort. I thought it was just me.

From what Vort said, could it be implied that it would be funny had it been a more americanised joke?

[pam]

Maybe to an American.

[Jamie123]

While not defending the joke...

All my jokes are all thoroughly indefensible. My brother and my wife will both vouch for that!

[Jamie123]

She was only a whiskey-maker's daughter...but he loved her still!

[Jamie123]

You also need to be familiar with an obscure British ditty about Christopher Robin going down with Alice to watch the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

I've just been thinking this over: Though Americans know all about Winnie the Pooh, this is principally because of Walt Disney and the original creator - A.A.Milne - has largely been forgotten. This tends to happen a lot: Once the movie-makers get hold of a story their version soon eclipses the original.

This is not always a terrible thing: For instance, I love Disney's Snow White way better than any other version of the story. On the other hand not many people remember L. Frank Baum as the author of the Oz books; mention of the Wizard of Oz has us thinking mostly of Judy Garland and singing dancing munchkins.

In the case of Pooh, I reckon many Americans think that he's an original Disney creation, not a "Disnification" of a well-known British character. I think is a shame, because much of the original humour of Pooh does not carry over into the Disney versions. For instance, Milne's original Eyore is not merely gloomy, but also rather laconic. He expresses himself through understatement and generally has a low opinion of other people's intelligence (particularly Pooh and Piglet).

I remember after one of our family trips to the movie theatre when I was a a child; we went to see one of the Disney Pooh movies, and when we came out my dad was grumbling about what "The Americans" had done to his favourite childhood characters, and how Tigger never referred to Rabbit as "Old Long Ears"!

Edited July 24, 2009 by Jamie123

[Vort]

• Ugh. My post about Jamie's joke came across much nastier than I had intended, which I see as I reread it. I would delete it, though since at this point it's already been quoted in its entirety, deletion would be a futile gesture. Sorry, Jamie.
• Humor is personal and situational, so my declaration that the joke "wasn't funny" is a case of poor judgment, and not just because the statement was offensive. Who's to say it wasn't funny? Heaven knows I've posted many supposedly "funny" observations that haven't exactly caught the list by storm, like my recent crack about non-existent galactic epicanthic folds.
• Calling the poem "obscure" was likewise a poor word choice. Many Americans have been enchanted by Milne's sweet stories and read them to our children; for about a year, he was my children's preferred author for bedtime stories.

All in all, an unfortunate posting from Vort. Apologies all around.

[lilered]

That's okay Vort, I screwed up really bad myself once.

[pam]

One day, two old men from a retirement home were sitting on the front porch retirement home. One man says to the other, "Ya know, Bill, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good." As the man said this, he knocked on the wood chair beside him."Actually, sharp as ever."

After a couple minutes of silence, the first man started to talk again, "So, is anyone going to get the door or do I have to do it?"

[pam]

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Judy on her way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched her honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that her convict suit was only a costume." demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, ""tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Mike.

"'TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HER COVER."

[pam]

A woman noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching a nearby cemetery. A long, black hearse was followed by a second long, black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. Curious, the woman approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

"My dog attacked and killed him."

"Well, who is in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Could I borrow that dog?" the inquiring woman asked.

"Get in line," the chief mourner said.

[Jamie123]

• Ugh. My post about Jamie's joke came across much nastier than I had intended, which I see as I reread it. I would delete it, though since at this point it's already been quoted in its entirety, deletion would be a futile gesture. Sorry, Jamie.
• Humor is personal and situational, so my declaration that the joke "wasn't funny" is a case of poor judgment, and not just because the statement was offensive. Who's to say it wasn't funny? Heaven knows I've posted many supposedly "funny" observations that haven't exactly caught the list by storm, like my recent crack about non-existent galactic epicanthic folds.
• Calling the poem "obscure" was likewise a poor word choice. Many Americans have been enchanted by Milne's sweet stories and read them to our children; for about a year, he was my children's preferred author for bedtime stories.

All in all, an unfortunate posting from Vort. Apologies all around.

LOL It's OK Vort I'm not offended - I've always had a fascination for "bad jokes" that drives my family mad. Examples:

• There are never any aspirins in the jungle because "Parrots eat 'em all".

• Confusion of Swede (a person from Sweden) with swede (a kind of turnip).

• Endless stupid comments based on the assumption that "eau de toilette" is literally water from the toilet.

• That the TO LET signs often seen in Britain are missing an I between the O and the L.

Maybe I'll grow out of it one day.

[Jamie123]

Many Americans have been enchanted by Milne's sweet stories and read them to our children; for about a year, he was my children's preferred author for bedtime stories.

Richmal Crompton, another famous British author (though perhaps less famous than Milne), best known for the Just William series, once wrote a cruel but very funny parody of Christopher Robin in a short story called Aunt Arabelle in Charge. It appears in a collection called William the Pirate, which is probably out of print by now, but if you're familiar with Milne's poetry it will have you in stitches.

[Mahone]

I wonder if the OP is aware of how popular their thread has become.

[Jamie123]

There was once a young man who dreamed of becoming a ballet dancer. He went to ballet school, graduated top of his class, and finally he bears his diploma proudly to the employment bureau.

"Oh, no no!" says the clerk. "We have too many unemployed ballet dancers in this country! Why not go to America? They're crying out for ballet dancers over there!"

So the young man goes to the travel agents, but tickets to America are far too expensive for him to afford. But as he wanders despondently down the street, he noticed a display of surf boards in a sports shop window. Suddenly he brightens up.

"I know!" he says. "If I buy a surf board and take it down to the ocean, and paddle and paddle and paddle, eventually I can get right across the ocean to America and can pursue my dream of being a ballet dancer."

So he buys the board, takes it down to the beach, and gets paddling.

Several days later he is utterly exhausted and can't paddle another foot, and is still only half way across the Atlantic. He is sitting there wondering what to do when a pigeon lands on his board.

"What are you doing?" asks the (surprisingly articulate) pigeon. "Half way across the ocean sitting on a surf board! Are you crazy?"

So the young man tells his sorry tale, and the pigeon listens.

"I know," says the pigeon. "Have you any string?"

The man looks in his pocket, and sure enough he does have a long piece of string.

"Good," says the pigeon. "Tie one end to the front of the board, and give the other end to me."

So he does this, and the pigeon obligingly tows him the rest of the way to America. He thanks the pigeon and makes his way to the closest employment office.

"Excellent!" says the clerk. "You're just what we need! I just need a few details though. How did you get to America?"

"By surf board," says the youth.

"What?"

"Surf board. I say on a surf board and paddled."

"What!?" says the clerk, astonished. "You paddled all the way to America."

"Well...not exactly," says the young man. "I paddled half way and a pigeon pulled me the rest."

"Oh no!" says the clerk. "This will never do!"

"Why not?" asks the crestfallen youth.

"Because no one wants to employ a PIGEON TOWED BALLET DANCER!"

[Jamie123]

Once upon a time there was a far away land which was ruled by a King and Queen. They and all their subjects were happy, but there was one thing that troubled them. They had no son to rule after them when they were gone. They prayed to God to send them a child, and at last their prayers were answered.

The young prince was perfect in every way, but there was one rather strange thing about him. In the centre of his naval was the head of a silver screw. The King and Queen were troubled by this, and they summoned all the sages and prophets and other wise men of the kingdom to see if they could explain it. And none of them could, apart from one very old, wise man who made a prophecy that at the last stroke of midnight, on the prince's twelfth birthday, this screw would be removed and its hidden purpose would be revealed.

Well the years went by, and the baby grew into a strong healthy young boy who would one day make a fine king. And when his twelfth birthday came, his parents held a magnificent banquet in his honor, and lords and ladies from all over the land came and danced long into the night. But as midnight approached, the guests began to leave and young prince - tired but happy - was taken up to bed.

As he lay there, listening to the palace clock striking twelve, he remembered the old man's prophecy and wondered what would happen when when the last stroke came. Then above him in the ceiling a tiny trap door opened, and from it came a silver thread, and on the end of the silver thread was a silver fairy holding a silver screwdriver. And the fairy reached down and began to unscrew the screw in the prince's bellybutton. The screw turned and turned and turned, and it came out to quite a length - about two or three inches. Then the fairy climbed back up the thread, back through the trapdoor and was gone.

The prince was elated. The silver screw was gone, and at last he was like any other boy. He leaped out of bed, eager to tell his mother and father about the wonderful thing that had happened to him...

...and his butt fell off.

[lilered]

Ponderisms

· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

· Life is sexually transmitted.

· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[pam]

Two evil brothers were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They attended the same church, posed as model Christians.

After their pastor retired, the new minister not only could see through the brothers' deception but also spoke well and true -- and the church began to swell with members.

One of the brothers died suddenly and the surviving sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for a new building.

"I have only one condition," the remaining brother said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

[Jamie123]

Why are pirates called "pirates"?

Because they just arrrrrr!

[Churchmouse]

One day the old German Shepard starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepard thinks "Oh, oh, I'm in deep doo doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepard exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here"?

Hearing this, the young panther halts in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepard almost had me".

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepard sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool and says, "Here squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine".

Now, the old German Shepard see the panther coming with the sqirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepard says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

[lilered]

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door.

He became irritated at the little old lady.

Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:

'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'