Sinned but not Repentant

[DanielNicolai]

Alright, I feel kind of weird about this. My girlfriend and I, whom I plan on marrying, had sex twice now, the first time over the weekend and the second last night. I know that what we did was wrong in the eyes of the Lord, but I was raised with different values than that of the church.

Anyway, I guess my big question is if I should go to the Bishop with my girlfriend and tell him what is going on while I am not repentant or if I should wait until a later date. I feel that I should go to see him as soon as possible, but I'm not really sure why. I can still feel the spirit and am still given my own personal revelation, and that is what is really strange to me, I keep reading that the Holy Ghost will not be with us when we have sinned and need to repent. I think that is one of the factors in my not feeling the need to.

Now for the worst thing about it all, I think that if I don't feel repentant I may seem arrogant to my Bishop, and I really like him (I'm planning on having him officiate the wedding when that comes around). I just feel that if I am not repentant that I should not go to the Bishop. He may need to know what is going on, but I am not sure what all I should do. Any advice?

[BenRaines]

Knowing it is wrong and feeling remorse is one of the first steps of repentance. I would be on the phone to the Bishop right now and get in to see him right away.

Ben Raines

[candyprpl]

Well, this is a little embarrassing to be discussing but if it helps you or someone else, that's what matters.

I met my husband a few months after joining the Church -- he had been a member, at that time, only about a year. We also, while dating, had relations. We were already planning on getting married but I was really hoping to go to the Temple when I would be a member for a year.

At first, I tried to tell myself that it wasn't a big deal, (because of what I believed before becoming a member), but I kept getting this nagging feeling and reading scriptures and praying and then I did know it was a big deal, A VERY BIG DEAL. I did feel the Spirit because of the messages I was getting but it was not as strong and prevailing as before the trangressions. The Spirit was withdrawing.

I didn't feel worthy to partake of the Sacrament one Sunday and so I didn't, I couldn't stop the tears flowing during Sacrament.

That Sunday during Gospel Doctrine class a member of the Bishopric called me out of class and extended a calling in Primary. I just started crying and told him that I needed to speak to the Bishop before I accepted the call.

I told my soon to be husband that I needed to talk to the Bishop -- I set up an appointment and we both went. I won't say it was easy but I'm sure glad that we both went and followed his counsel!!! We were married by the Bishop and a year later, sealed in the Temple. I was able to accept the calling and have been teaching in primary ever since.

Don't let your pride and Satan's lies take you away from the truth!!! The Spirit will withdraw and your heart will become hardened the longer you prolong true repentance.

My advice is to go to your Bishop now -- be honest -- tell him you don't feel repentant right now and go from there. Remember, he will counsel you, but it will be up you to take the steps, ask for forgiveness and then repent.

I can't stress to you enough how important it is to repent of this. I'm so thankful I listened to the Spirit and went to the Bishop. Both my husband and I have been so blessed for doing so!!:)

[bytor2112]

Repentance is to have a "mighty" change of heart. It is to become the type of person who would never have committed the sin to begin with.........you don't sound like that person...yet. But repentance is a process........we must have a broken heart and contrite spirit and a determination to never commit the sin again. I would definitely talk to my Bishop....even if I am not feeling broken hearted yet. He can help you to understand why the sin is so wrong and help you to not fall victim to this temptation again.

Why is sin...any sin bad?

31 For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance;

But the really good news is...:)

32 Nevertheless, he that repents and does the commandments of the Lord shall be forgiven;

[abqfriend]

Hi Daniel,

Thank you for sharing. I know this must be difficult for you. Understanding that what you did is not in keeping with your faith tradition is the first step toward change. Change is sometimes difficult especially when emotions are involved. Sex is a very powerful thing and does involve the intellect and especially one's emotions.

I am a Catholic, but the standards we have on the issue are the same or similar to LDS view. In my faith tradition, we do not call the Bishop, but we do something similar and that is talk to a priest. This is called the Sacrament of Reconciliation and was once called The Sacrament of Confession.

I encourage you to talk to your bishop or the one who is the person to talk to in your faith tradition. Repentance means to "turn the other direction." Sometimes such turning is difficult but necessary.

Thank You so much for sharing a very personal part of your life.

-Carol

[unixknight]

I think the hardest thing is to feel like wrong has been committed...

Bear with me for a sec, guys.

There's sins that hurt others and there are sins that don't. Having relations with a girlfriend prior to marriage is one of those that contains no malice, no intent to harm, and arguably doesn't harm anyone. And heck, if you're gonna get married anyway...

So it's easy to feel like all is well, and that one can still be a good member and all that and that once married, it won't matter anymore anyway.

But here's the thing, and I had to learn this the hard way... What is defined as a sin isn't just what harms others. It's what harms US, ourselves, when we commit them. Without getting into a long discussion on why premarital sex is a bad idea, suffice it to say that in God's eyes, it's sinful and will therefore distance us from the Spirit.

The Spirit will withdraw. It may not feel like it, but that's what happens. Many blessings which the Lord grants us will dry up. Ask me how I know. After a while, we start to get used to the new status quo and become complacent. Sleeping with the girlfriend becomes common, not unusual, and heck, why not just move in together?

At that point the moral compass is going to be pretty badly miscalibrated. We start to view fornication as no big deal, or even rationalize it. I mean after all, what's marriage but a cultural ceremony that changes from culture to culture so it can't be that important, right? We stop thinking of it as sinful and start to see Church leaders who do as being maybe a bit over conservative or stuffy, and suddenly their counsel doesn't mean as much as it once did.

Why bother seeing the Bishop when he's just going to make you stop taking the sacrament and will confiscate your Temple recommend and make you go through some kind of process that will be completely irrelevant once you're married....

...right?

And before you know it you find yourself strangely uncomfortable in Church around people who you feel would judge and look down on you if they knew what you were doing, and so it becomes harder and harder to go to Church social functions, stay for the whole 3 hour block.... Maybe it gets harder to motivate yourself to get out of bed to go to church, especially when the girlfriend is there next to you...

And subtly, by degrees, you've gone inactive. Now you've decided maybe to just get a courthouse marriage since it would be a lot more complicated to go to the Bishop now. So no you're married but inactive, and thinking maybe you can start going to Church again... after a new Bishop is called, perhaps... One that's less likely to ask you why you've been away. So at first you keep in touch with your Church friends but it's so hard to keep from telling them why you went inactive so you just let them assume you lost interest or whatever relatively innocuous reason people have for becoming inactive and returning to Church slips farther and farther into the future...

But it's okay right? 'cause you're still a Mormon and it's not like you've been disfellowshipped or excommunicated or anything... And heck, if you've been Endowed then the world could end tomorrow and you're good to go...

...right? Well, maybe not but if you go back to Church and can't take the Sacrament then you're not really covered so it's easier to leave well enough alone. Perhaps, in time, you can return to Church in a much simpler, more direct way...

...eventually.

Mind you, unless you've found repentance in the meantime then this will still be on you when you go back. And that's a motivation killer.

I lived a story very much like this one. Not exactly, but similar. Eventually I DID come to realize the wrong of what I'd been doing and repented of it. Was it easier to repent since she and I are married now and it's not an issue? Maybe... I mean, it's not at all hard to commit to not fornicating when you're already married, but it can still be done. In our case, we talked about it for a long time to make sure we both understood, to the best of our ability, why that was wrong. After all, someday our kids will probably ask us why fornication, even with someone you're engaged to, is a bad thing and we decided we'd better have a good answer.

(This was before she had joined the Church but even so we repented of it together.)

[rameumptom]

The Lord doesn't always fully withdraw the Spirit from us. Sounds like you didn't have much of the Spirit with you in the first place, if you are not remorseful of your actions.

Perhaps you do not realize how much of the Spirit you are missing, because you've always kept it minimal from your actions in the past?

You have to decide what is of most import to you. Living a sinful lie, or getting back in line with God? Are you choosing to continue sinning, or confess as the Lord would have you do it? Do you ever wish to have an eternal marriage, or just a temple sealing which means nothing to God because it means nothing to you?

[countrygirl66]

hi daniel,

I am sure you have ask yourself why you don't feel any remorse. A have thought a lot about this because of my best friend that I grew up with. We were so close and went such different paths in life. I don't think our challenges in life were so different but I really feel like she never thought much about it. I spend a lot of time thinking about the why of things until I am able to gain a testimony of the principle. I still love her but life has been rough for her. She just had a terrible bought with cancer and when we were talking she said oh the church has been good but you know church is not for me. I can't beleive that we grew up the same. I love her and it hurts that she just goes through the motions in many things not really thinking about it.

I spent a LOT of time thinking about this particular thing and the why before I was married. For me the why came from praying and reading and pondering. For me it came down to is this supposed to have spiritual sides to it or should it be just carnal. I think you know the answer I got.

Please go to you bishop and be honest about your feelings. I have a son 15 who is there right now. The process is slow but the bishop is guiding him in finding the way to soften his heart. I think satan lies to us and says well you made the wrong decision now you have to stay with it. Not true. We can all change the path we are walking for good or bad at any time. I am sure you can still feel the spirit at times but are you listening to what it is saying? Are you taking the fact that you feel it to mean that you have done no wrong. Sometimes the spirit is crying out to us to come back. But as was said in other posts if you ignore what it is saying it will leave. Good luck with all of this. My prayers are with you that you will listen to the spirit.

[jimuk]

We are human beings with human beings traits, but there is the law of chastity which is the law, you have come here and admitted that you know it was wrong, thats the first step, and whilst you know it is wrong the Holy spirit will not leave you to fight this desire alone.

Try to give in to the spirit, allow the spirit through, think about Jesus, pray, these things will allow The spirit to make your spirit stronger.

Many of us have been there, Father loves you and it is a test for you to overcome, Heavenly father will help you if you need him enough to ask of him. But you know this already.

[MarginOfError]

Maybe I'm a little conservative, but I figure that if I'm ever torn over the question, "should I go see the bishop about this?" perhaps I should just go see the bishop about it. The worst thing he can do is tell me I didn't really need to go see him about it. The best thing he can do is help me. What is there to lose?

[Wingnut]

I am a Catholic, but the standards we have on the issue are the same or similar to LDS view. In my faith tradition, we do not call the Bishop, but we do something similar and that is talk to a priest. This is called the Sacrament of Reconciliation and was once called The Sacrament of Confession.

Is it really called the Sacrament of Reconciliation now? I think that's very interesting. I have a historical note in my scriptures about that word:

"Atonement," a made-up old English word, was taken from a Greek word for "reconciliation." To break down reconciliation, it means "to be united with," "to be seated with," or "to come back to a relationship after a period of separation."

Just wanted to share.

[MorningStar]

I agree that you should talk to him anyway. The more you put it off, the more likely you are to repeat it. And it might seem like a victimless sin, but you guys have hurt yourselves and each other in ways you don't realize. Don't fall into the trap of, "Well we already screwed up - might as well keep doing it." You're "planning" on marrying her? Are you engaged? You might want to speed up the process.

[bmy-]

Pray about it. I also. . struggle with repenting.

Generally speaking -- I say i'm sorry [to God] -- but I do NOT make promises I don't intend to keep. That being said.. this goes for every sin. You can't 'choose' to repent. It just happens. At least in my experience.

Try this: Abstain from sex for the next month or two [and live the Gospel to the letter]. True repentance might come easier. I can't say it will or won't.. but it's always worth a shot.

[FunkyTown]

Yep. They're right. What you're doing right now is justifying 'cause no immediate bad things are coming.

That having been said, I think the previous poster was right: Try abstaining from sex for several months and see how that affects things. I bet that you'll see how it harms you.

[DanielNicolai]

I want to say I was abstaining from sex for the past 11 months, but that was my time when I was in my divorce until I was single (about 4 months ago) and didn't really have a girlfriend. Heck I didn't even want one. We waited about 20 dates until it happened. I set up an appointment to see my Bishop on Tuesday (would have been over the weekend, but the timing was bad with General Conference) and we're going to be focusing on not doing what we have been doing.

She's chickening out a bit though, she just started going back to church about a month ago at my insistence and had just been in with the bishop two weeks ago because she was inactive because of the embarrassment. But with both of us going forward with this I think it will all be okay. I will try my best to do what my Bishop says, but as bmy- said, I don't make any promises.

In more interesting news, I put her ring down on layaway, it's the one she wanted and I totally have the proposal all planned out, I would post it here, but she reads the site now that I showed it to her, so no details on that

[lilered]

I agree with those who encourage you to talk with your Bishop and get this behind you. I also agree that originally the spirit may not have been with you as strong as possible and therefore may be the reason you are not feeling repentant. However, you do seem to recognize that what you did was wrong. So, why not put your house in order now and then set your path right at the start of your marriage with the Lords Blessings?

[Hemidakota]

Alright, I feel kind of weird about this. My girlfriend and I, whom I plan on marrying, had sex twice now, the first time over the weekend and the second last night. I know that what we did was wrong in the eyes of the Lord, but I was raised with different values than that of the church.

Anyway, I guess my big question is if I should go to the Bishop with my girlfriend and tell him what is going on while I am not repentant or if I should wait until a later date. I feel that I should go to see him as soon as possible, but I'm not really sure why. I can still feel the spirit and am still given my own personal revelation, and that is what is really strange to me, I keep reading that the Holy Ghost will not be with us when we have sinned and need to repent. I think that is one of the factors in my not feeling the need to.

Now for the worst thing about it all, I think that if I don't feel repentant I may seem arrogant to my Bishop, and I really like him (I'm planning on having him officiate the wedding when that comes around). I just feel that if I am not repentant that I should not go to the Bishop. He may need to know what is going on, but I am not sure what all I should do. Any advice?

Ensure she is with you on this confession. Be sincere...be remorseful...be humble enough to accept what will be dwelt out for both of you. Remember, the greater sin, is the sin of not repenting when we have the opportunity to do so.

Now, may the Lord give you both, courage to do the right. May He also give you the ability to see the wrong. May He give you both, the ability to see your bright future after repenting.

Good luck....

[Guest ceeboo]

Ensure she is with you on this confession. Be sincere...be remorseful...be humble enough to accept what will be dwelt out for both of you. Remember, the greater sin, is the sin of not repenting when we have the opportunity to do so.

Now, may the Lord give you both, courage to do the right. May He also give you the ability to see the wrong. May He give you both, the ability to see your bright future after repenting.

Good luck....

A Catholic ditto :):)

God bless and " congrats " on the ring thing:)

[RachelleDrew]

My husband struggled with the same thoughts as you. We had sex long before we were married, and it's hard to feel guilty when you have a beautiful son as a result of those pre-marital relations and a good relationship with your spouse despite those pre-marital relations.

My husband spoke with our bishop, and was frank with him about his lack of remorse. Our bishop understood the feelings completely, and told him that even though everything seemed to work out in the end, Christ still suffered for our sin of pre-marital sex. Maybe it didn't seem like the deed harmed anyone, but Christ still died on the cross so that our sins wouldn't consume us entirely.

I thought that was a really good way of putting it.

[georgia2]

Maybe you don't feel remorse because you love this woman and you are planning on getting married. The wonderful feelings between a man and a woman are one of our greatest gifts from HEavenly Father. He made us to feel this way, He wants us to feel this way. BUT. after we are married.

It is hard to feel bad about something that is so good. If you want the blessings promised to those who keep the commandments, continue to have respect for your sweetheart and she for you, you need to do it the Lords way. He knows what brings us happiness and joy and ultimately that is why he gives us these commandments in the first place.

[Guest tomk]

You cannot undo what has been done. But you can make correct choices going forward. Decide now to do whatever it takes to repent and become clean through the Lord's grace and power.

Since you are not a member of the Church...I am not sure how much we or a Bishop could help you.

You would need to take the Missionary discussions, which include learning about the Law of Chastity and committing to a life of abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity after marriage. If you commit to this, and are repentant, then you can be baptized a member of the Church and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, which will sanctify you from ALL sin.

Until you become a member, I am not sure how much we can do or a Bishop can do. I think the Lord holds us to as much light and knowledge as we possess, whether we are members of the Church or not. So you will be held accountable for sinning against that light and knowledge. But once you enter into that covenant relationship, you begin with a clean slate.

Edited October 4, 2008 by tomk