First year of marriage, scared for my life...

[rachelbabe86]

I have turned to about everyone and everything I can think of, and its not getting better. I had a thought to see if maybe there for some online forums online mormons, and that maybe another woman who has gone through this could advise me what to do. I am starting to really get scared of my life here, and don't know what else to do. Either scared of my life of next tim my husband pushes, hits me with something that it could really hurt me, or scared that I just can't hold on anymore and the depression will get so bad I will hurt myself.

We have gone to the bishop, marriage counseling, talked to married family and friends, and it just seems like by each fight it gets worse and worse and I'm so scared. I know it is my fault as much as his, and I know I have a lot of problems, but I feel like I have been trying to follow the different advice from differen't people. I read my scriptures, go to church, say prayers, have read some relationship books here and there, and nothing is helping.

The fights are getting more physical, more swearing, yelling, throwing things, saying horrible things to each other, on both sides, Iits like when one person does something the other starts it. I used to hardly ever swear before I got married too!

I have had anxiety and depression for years, and since being married it has sky rocketed to even how bad it was as a sick, lonely teenager, in a verbally abusive home.

We got married in the Temple 8 months ago, really prayed about it and felt I was too marry him. Even my sister, who is my best firend next to my husband said she felt I was to marry him, despite the fights and problems we had while dating too.

Now people are telling me that maybe this is a trial, and that I am not suppose to be with him tomorrow, but I don't want to give up that easily. He has come along way, changed so much, tries to take care of me and be good to me, me I think I am trying but with my physicaly and mental problems I have had for years it is impossible for me to be the perfect wife. I just don't see why God would tell me to marry someone in the Temple that is not suppose to be for eternity.

He could be alot worse. I am just so scared that the next time he pushes me, or throws something it is going to be far worse, he is two and a half times my weight! And I am weak! Bad back, neck, can't exercise much cause of health.

I have been trying to pray about what to do, but the emotions are so high and hurt so bad, it is hard to get a answer. Than in between the fights I think things are all great, and we are in love and will get past it, but these fights that are at least a couple of days a week get bad. And this is really horrible to say, but I kind of feel a little bitter to God that he told me to do something that has only been hell for 8 months and has torn me apart, brought out the worse in me, and is breaking my heart!

Sorry so long, haven't really had anyone to talk to since this last fight today. And want to give you the idea of what going on as much as I can so you can hopefully give me some advice on what I can possible do next to save this marriage, or if perhaps this marriage is going to destroy me and end up I get really hurt.

Thanks...

[Dr T]

Sorry to hear of your situation Rache. There def. are risks but I cannot suggest what to do since I don't know all the info. Sorry.

[Lbybug]

i agree with doc. talk to a professional/your bishop/someone alone. pray alone. have your name put on the prayer list at the temple.

[BenRaines]

No Bishop that follows the guidelines set for Bishops will tell you to get a divorce. That has to be an individuals decision. They can give counsel, make referrals to professionals but will not tell you what to do. That you must do yourself.

If there is physical abuse I would say that time apart is needed. Protect yourself is what is important.

Ben Raines

[RachelleDrew]

Ben is right, no bishop is going to tell you to get a divorce.

But I would certainly hope that they would tell you to get out of there for a while. If you are scared for your life, then you need to leave for the time being until things calm down. When the two of you are in a moderated and safe environment then you and your husband can work it out if you so chose. But for now, get out of there.

[Elgama]

Ok just me but if you don't want a divorce thats fine but if you are scared for your life GET OUT!!!!! Do you really want to bring children into this situation? I am sorry maybe it sounds harsh and I am not a Bishop but if you are being hurt there is only one reply to your post. GET OUT!!! and absolutely no more contact until you are sure he has received help and anger management classes.

The advice on our major talk show by professional psycologist - is you cannot sort your depression and your husband cannot sort his anger whilst you are together. You need to be apart no contact, and work on your issues individually only then can you consider starting contact and maybe coming back together.

-Charley

[secretsister]

Rachel,

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. I understand as I am going through a very similar situation right now. I can tell you that your feelings are normal and expected. It is hard to let go of the dream we had for a good "mormon" marriage and family.

I'm glad you are getting help in church and professional. Keep working on improving yourself. Realize that you can't work on your husband, he has to do that. That's the part I hate... that nobody has a magic wand to wave over my husband and make him choose to get help.

I agree with those who suggest getting out... for now. You need to be safe, physically. Also, you may not be able to think clearly enough or de-stress enough to do real work on your issues while living in such a heated environment. Perhaps you both could agree on a temporary separation so that when you go to couseling together you can think and act more clearly?

There are some posts about my situation if you want to read them. It helps me to know I'm not the only one to get myself into a mess like this.

I understand your anger toward God too. I would say try not to have it, try to have faith.... but He does understand your feelings and will still love you and will forgive you for your anger too.

Prayers are with you,

Secretsister

[Misshalfway]

I think you need to take steps to make both of you safe and to de-escalate the situation. Maybe some time away or at least a commitment NOT to deal if you are angry or triggered..... to examine how you both are dealing with your stress and then to go at your problems with a calmer, more loving approach.

I can't know if or why God would influence you to marry into an abusive situation. I only know that in my own life, my trials seem to be some of my greatest teachers. So, perhaps you could look at this situation with different eyes and at least pull from it what you need to learn about loving yourself maybe or about healthy ways to problem solve. I don't know. And maybe if there are no solutions in terms of keeping your marriage together, you can at least learn what you need to never let this happen again to you. Chain breaker kind of stuff. :)

Be safe. Be loving. Rely on Father in Heaven to direct your course. If he got you here, he will continue to guide you.....even if you need to leave Jerusalem and camp on the red sea for a while. (hope you understand that last bit....from the bofm) :)

[sanguine]

No one should hurt or hit another person. This marriage is damaging you..even when he does not hit, if he threatens or is emotionally, vocally abusive, it damages you. Until one day, you will feel you don't deserve anything better and that some how it's your fault.

Separate, get out, at least for now.

If you need help, call the Womens refuge...even if you don't feel you are being hurt, beaten up enough to contact them, please do so. They are there for those who are emotionally abused too.

Maybe a separation, will give your partner time to realize they need to change, they need to get help. You also need help, to learn boundaries, what is acceptable behaviour and what you won't and don't need to tolerate. Also why you accepted that behaviour, because if you don't realize why, you probably will, accept the behaviour in future, either from this partner, or other people in your life.......and go on to inadvertently teach your children that is ok beat on someone else or to be beat on, or that life needs a drama.

May I suggest you,list just the facts on a piece of paper, of what your partners says and does. Anything you can think of, the top of your head. (Keep a journal is a good idea, so you can see your patterns of behaviour and those of your partner. So you can see how they may say one thing, but their actions say another.)

Is that the actions of the person, who's meant to cherish, protect, love, honour and stand by you?

I'm not saying divorce, but get out for now. So that you can be safe. It's hard to think straight, when a person is afraid.

This is an awful situation, to bring children into. It can only damage them.

Wishing you good luck, keep safe. Turn to Heavenly Father for guidance, listen to the Holy Ghost. Our Heavenly Father loves us, and does not want his children hurt.

It took me years to leave a violent and dangerous situation and I couldn't truely hear my Heavenly Father, until I was away. My fears, blocked out all reason and sense.

[countrygirl66]

Be safe first and foremost. Then you can talk to your heavenly father and see what steps you need to take for yourself. There may be a situation that you haven't thought of yet.

I have a good friend who is blind from diabeties, her h has bipolar to the tenth degree. He is court orderd to take meds and does ok when he does. He still cycles though and that is when it becomes unsafe for her. They have stayed married but maintain separate residences. It is difficult, but that way they can spend time together and he stays with his family, but when he starts to cycle he moves to his apartment until the cycle passes. Nothing is perfect and she has called when he has freaked and left her somewhere and she doesn't know where she is. But it is her choice and it works for her.

I am not saying you should stay married or divorce, just for now get where you are safe. Then you can take the time you need to pray, ponder, seek council and decide what will be best for you. With you physical problems you could be seriously hurt by even a small altercation. Take gentle care of yourself.

[applepansy]

It is NEVER your fault that he chooses to use physical violence.

applepansy

[applepansy]

I have turned to about everyone and everything I can think of, and its not getting better. I had a thought to see if maybe there for some online forums online mormons, and that maybe another woman who has gone through this could advise me what to do. I am starting to really get scared of my life here, and don't know what else to do. Either scared of my life of next tim my husband pushes, hits me with something that it could really hurt me, or scared that I just can't hold on anymore and the depression will get so bad I will hurt myself.

We have gone to the bishop, marriage counseling, talked to married family and friends, and it just seems like by each fight it gets worse and worse and I'm so scared. I know it is my fault as much as his, and I know I have a lot of problems, but I feel like I have been trying to follow the different advice from differen't people. I read my scriptures, go to church, say prayers, have read some relationship books here and there, and nothing is helping.

The fights are getting more physical, more swearing, yelling, throwing things, saying horrible things to each other, on both sides, Iits like when one person does something the other starts it. I used to hardly ever swear before I got married too!

I have had anxiety and depression for years, and since being married it has sky rocketed to even how bad it was as a sick, lonely teenager, in a verbally abusive home.

We got married in the Temple 8 months ago, really prayed about it and felt I was too marry him. Even my sister, who is my best firend next to my husband said she felt I was to marry him, despite the fights and problems we had while dating too.

Now people are telling me that maybe this is a trial, and that I am not suppose to be with him tomorrow, but I don't want to give up that easily. He has come along way, changed so much, tries to take care of me and be good to me, me I think I am trying but with my physicaly and mental problems I have had for years it is impossible for me to be the perfect wife. I just don't see why God would tell me to marry someone in the Temple that is not suppose to be for eternity.

He could be alot worse. I am just so scared that the next time he pushes me, or throws something it is going to be far worse, he is two and a half times my weight! And I am weak! Bad back, neck, can't exercise much cause of health.

I have been trying to pray about what to do, but the emotions are so high and hurt so bad, it is hard to get a answer. Than in between the fights I think things are all great, and we are in love and will get past it, but these fights that are at least a couple of days a week get bad. And this is really horrible to say, but I kind of feel a little bitter to God that he told me to do something that has only been hell for 8 months and has torn me apart, brought out the worse in me, and is breaking my heart!

Sorry so long, haven't really had anyone to talk to since this last fight today. And want to give you the idea of what going on as much as I can so you can hopefully give me some advice on what I can possible do next to save this marriage, or if perhaps this marriage is going to destroy me and end up I get really hurt.

Thanks...

No 1 = You need to be safe. LEAVE! This siutation will not be resolved until you are safe. I another post you said you have no way out when he gets angry? Where are you? If in the USA, then call 911. I don't know what emergency number you would call if you're in another country.

No 2 = Involve your bishop. He's there to help you both. I'm glad you're geting counseling but if he won't take you when he's angry then he's still not accepting that he is part of the problem.

No 3 = Do not close the doors of communication, with your Heavenly Father, with your Bishop and with your husband. Just because you can't live with him doesn't mean that you close him out. It may mean that you only communicate through the counselor for awhile but at least its still communication.

No 4 = You are a daughter of our Heavenly Father and as such, you do not deserve to be abused either emotional, mentally or physically. Never do you deserve abuse and you should never tolerate it.

You're in my thoughts and prayers,

applepansy

[amyboyack]

When I left my first husband, against the advice of a bishop, I knew that I had the support of my mom and dad and of my Heavenly Father. We have been told time and time again that abuse does not need to be tolerated. We need to get out in order to be free and progress. I was told by a counselor that a separation needs to be at least 6 months long in order for the reality of the situation to set in and for you to see clearly what you have been through.

I realize that I could have done a lot of things differently and I'm doing those things differently with my new marriage. If you don't have any children, please don't have them in this marriage as it is. Make sure you fix the marriage or leave before considering bringing children into the situation.

The problem with staying is that you are allowing someone to harm your body and your spirit. It doesn't take long to lose your identity and allow someone else to constantly hurt you. The more serving and loving and sweet you become, trying to be Christlike, the more abusive, controlling and hurtful the other person can become, driving the cycle even further. I didn't realize the full extent of the situation until months after I had left. It takes a long time to heal and to be on the path to forgiveness. That is awfully hard to do while the offenses are still occurring on a daily basis.

I left with the intent to come back and fix things. After I was gone, I realized that it was a toxic situation and that things would be better with a divorce. While I won't tell you to get a divorce, I won't tell you to stay and fix it, either. Heavenly Father will open your eyes to the reality of the situation if you pray for your eyes to be open. However, if he tells you to leave, it will take courage to act on that advice alone with no one telling you that you are right to leave. Trust your feelings and stay close to Him.

[Guest ceeboo]

Hi Rachel,

You have asked for advice from woman and LDS. Well, I am a Catholic Man, so I thought I fit the criteria very well. :)

On a much more serious note, I am sad to hear how your " honeymoon " is going.

Thought I would offer you my 2 cents.

This is not ( sadly IMHO ) the first time I have seen a thread about your current situation.

MEN, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER under any circumstance lay hands on a woman ( not to mention a husband laying a hand on his own wife , the very partner they are to cherish and protect). Sadly, some males do, MEN don't ( Notice the word MAN is earned ).

I am sorry to be so direct but IMHO this behavior of your husband is exactly what is wrong in todays world and becoming way to common. A COMPLETE FAILURE OF MANY YOUNG MALES IN OUR SOCIETY WHEN IT COMES TO ACTING LIKE MEN AND TREATING THE WOMAN WE MARRY WITH DIGNITY, RESPECT, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY TREATING THEM AS IF CHRIST WAS IN THE ROOM.

Although I realize you are in a very tough spot ( sorry for that ) please consider what future children may be faced with as well as the role model they will indeed have.

Again, I am sorry to be so direct.

God bless,

Carl

[pam]

All I'm going to say is...I've been in a physically abusive marriage. I say get out of it. Just my opinion of course.

[skippy740]

You need a BREAK from him and the environment that you've been in so you can clear your head.

This is NOT the time to make long-term decisions.

Get out and go see your parents and stay with them for a while (a week or two).

While you're there, you can "de-tox" yourself and start to think clearly and re-connect with who you were before you were married.

On a personal note, while I never hit my wife, my first year of marriage was rocky. I threw things. I once threw a full laundry basket through the bedroom door while I was in a fit of rage (trying to clean up the house and find missing items at the same time) and my wife walked right into it while it was still flying through the air! (Yes, she'd admit that story exactly as I describe it.)

When I threw things, I knew that I needed to get out of the house. So I went for long drives - about 50-100 miles from home and back again (gas was cheaper then). My wife kept thinking that I was going to leave her, but getting away was my way of diffusing the situation and letting ME have time to calm down.

My wife took my daughter with her to spend time with MY folks for about a week. This gave me time to think and be by myself - and to MISS her and my daughter. Wow, that was a difficult time - because I was seriously wondering if she was going to leave me.

I still yell from time to time. I still get frustrated when I can't find things. I think I've resigned myself to not be frustrated with the cleanliness of the house when we have 3 kids! (Okay, so I lowered my living standards to have a happier marriage - I think that's a good trade-off!)

Men are not perfect by any means. However, physical abuse should NEVER be tolerated. I don't believe that my wife ever thought that her life was in danger. But she felt prompted to leave --- for a while --- and stay with my parents. (We do wrestle with each other quite a bit and sometimes one of us gets hurt - but that's horseplay, not anger.)

You should leave now --- as this will be one of the strongest ways for you to communicate with him --- by your absence.

Edited November 11, 2008 by skippy740

[pam]

But remember, someone who is abusive is not going to change by their spouse taking a break from them for a week. It could actually exacerbate the situation. Believe me I tried that. Went back and the abuse was twice it was before.

[Oligith1]

He needs counseling, badly. He also needs a wakeup call. I would also agree that leaving him, at the very least temporarily, would be in both of your best interest.

Being a guy, the question that comes to my mind is does he love you? Does he really love you? How much does he love you? Does he love you enough to do what it takes to overcome his abusive behavior completely? Does he love you enough to seek professional help in these matters? Does he love you enough to spend the time away from you needed to learn how to show love properly?

The thing is, he may think that he does love you and if he thinks so, he'd probably be right, but that does not necessarily mean that he loves you enough yet. I've learned that love is an evolving, changing, and growing thing when it comes to the person who matters most in your life. I love my wife more with each passing day and add nuances to that love in ways that suprise me and help me to grow. It could be that his love for you is in the "teenager stage" where the love is more selfish and more about him, but can still grow into the adult and later godly love which puts you into the position you deserve to be in, just behind God in his heart.

I'd say walk away for the time being, but don't close off communication completely. Dont' be in a hurry to return to him though. I would definately not set a specific date to go home. The goal of all of this would be for the both of you to heal your individual wounds which are the natural consequence of arguing and fighting. I don't just mean any physical wounds, but the psychological, emotional, and social wounds. If you still see the part of him that you loved originally still present within his being, I would focus on that and let your love of that piece of him give you hope.

As for him, I would request that he do go to counseling specifically for his abusive nature. I would find a counselor for him to go to who specializes in this issue (abusive husbands) and ask that your husband visits with him/her. (a counselor who does specialize in this issue should be able to see past the mask that he wears in public, while one who has not studies this issue could be faked out and made to believe that the problem is yours and not his) If you can't find a counselor on your own, I'd look for battered womens shelters, the people in the local police department who are generally sent to deal with domestic violence, and the church social services to ask them who you should recommend...maybe in that order too.

I really wouldn't go back to him until/unless the counselor is satisfied that he has changed, and that he has proven his love to you again (up to you what this would mean). Also, I would recommend that he continue to visit with the counselor for at least a year following your return, should you return at all. Should he show signs of returning to his old behavior, you should let him know that he is showing those signs and that while you will still love him unconditionally (hopefully), you will still give him the physical distance he needs to overcome his challenge should it reach the yelling stage again (don't wait until he prepares to strike you).

All of us have our challenges in life. Some of us have challenge of Same-Sex-Attraction, some of us have a "Short Fuse," some of us have the challenge of Pride, and some of us have a whole mixture of challenges and temptations...well, most of us do. We are all human after all.

Yes, if you are in danger, do what it takes to get out of danger, but remember that he is just human with human failings and needs love as much as everyone else. Don't excuse his behavior with this thought, but remember to keep loving him because God still loves him. We all need help from time to time. Frequently we don't realize that we need that help though. We might even adamantly deny that we need the help, but that doesn't change the fact that we do need it.

I'd say that the best way to help him would be to leave him and follow the course I've outlined. No, I'm not a professional. This is just my gut feeling here. I mean, I needed a wake up call when I was at my worst with my wife...

[NeuroTypical]

You should crank out a few kids to see if that changes him.

(Of course, this is the exact opposite of what you should do. It is also what many women in your situation end up doing. Please do not become one of them - your future kids are depending on you.)

LM

[Maureen]

I would separate, live in different homes and seek marriage counseling while separate.

[Guest ceeboo]

You should crank out a few kids to see if that changes him.

LM

:lol:

:lol:

:lol::lol:

[Guest queriesqueries]

The problem with staying is that you are allowing someone to harm your body and your spirit. It doesn't take long to lose your identity and allow someone else to constantly hurt you. The more serving and loving and sweet you become, trying to be Christlike, the more abusive, controlling and hurtful the other person can become, driving the cycle even further. I didn't realize the full extent of the situation until months after I had left. It takes a long time to heal and to be on the path to forgiveness. That is awfully hard to do while the offenses are still occurring on a daily basis.

wow... thanks amy, this is really eye opening to me.

[amyboyack]

I'm glad that it helped you. It took me 10 years to realize that things were not working because I was living in denial and hoping things would get better as I tried to change myself and hope the situation would change. The good news is that things have changed for the better, now that I have left and we are both in a happier situation. I am by no means advocating divorce. It is a terrible thing with severe consequences, but sometimes the consequences of a bad marriage are worse.

[Wingnut]

As I read this thread, I am compelled to think of a friend of mine. She is about 10 years older than my mom, and she and I became close when I lived at her house for a few months at the end of 2001 shortly before my mission. It turned out to be a life-changing experience for me, but that's beside the point. She invited em to live with her for awhile because her husband was not.

My friend was very private and protective of her husband (rightfully so -- not hanging out his dirty laundry for the world to see), so I don't know a lot of details. My mom shared some with me. My friend's mother had had a mental condition that made it so that she was very emotionally abusive of my friend as a child. We know that we tend to marry what we are familiar with, and my friend married a man who ended up being very emotionally manipulative to her. He was also a pornography addict. After many years (and two children...the youngest being almost 30) together, they separated, because she couldn't deal with his addiction and abuse anymore. It was bad enough that even with him out of the house, she still refused to have the Internet in her home. They both went to therapy, separate and together. They both met with the Bishop regularly, separate and together. She stayed living in their house, while he lived in an apartment. They still got together for holidays and important family gatherings, and they still sat together at church, even. I do remember asking my friend once if she thought they'd get a divorce (they'd been separated less than a year at that point, I think). She showed me a list of pros and cons that was a work in progress, but said she didn't know.

My mom told me a few weeks ago that my friend's husband had moved back into the house a few weeks before that. They'd been separated for at least seven years, and were able to work things out. I doubt everything is just coming up roses now, and they will have re-entry issues, I'm sure, but they are back together. It can happen, but separation -- if it's going to serve its intended purpose -- can take a looooooong time.

[Carolear]

I saw this Christian movie. It is not LDS, but it is something I'm going to do with my husband of 40 yrs! It starts with a couple whose marriage is falling apart. There is no sex or swearing etc in this movie. The name is FIREPROOF with Kirk Cameron.

But If I could I would make it mandatory for anyone getting married or divorced see before they make the final decision.

I know it has given me a totally new outlook and hope where there was none.

Carole:)