Are you a gamer's widow?

[Maxel]

My ex-girlfriend's brother and sister-in-law provided the perfect example of what happens to a gaming couple that fails to regulate themselves.

They both run their own businesses, and they took a 'vacation' one week and stayed home doing nothing. He decided to shave that week. Their vacation began on a Monday, and he shaved on Monday.

On Friday, while stretching during a rousing round of World of Warcraft, she looked over and remarked:

"Hey, when did you shave?"

[ninjormon]

I play video games, at one point I sold them all becasue I knew I was playing too much and decided not to buy another system until I knew I could control my habit. I bought one a couple weeks ago and set a few conditions on my gameplay.

1. I will not play unless I have worked out/studied that day.

2. I won't play if there is something else for me to do.

3. I will stop playing if my wife or daughters need me to do something.

[beck61]

I'm just thinking about this a lot and I wondered exactly how common this problem is. Does your husband spend hours and hours on the computer/x-box/Wii gaming? Does he come home from work, peck on the cheek, wave to the kids and disappear into the basement/den/computer room and not emerge again until late in the night?

Nope.

Instead of complaining, I join in.

If that is what he likes doing, I join in (because he joins me in things that he doesn't necessarily like, but I do and he loves me, so he does it), not because I'm a huge gamer, but because he likes to do it and I like to be with him.

I'm never going to try to change my husband, because I can't do that, only he and our Heavenly Father can. :)

[LolaBella]

My hubby loves his consoles and the PC. I dont mind as I will join in or sit and read a book, as long as we're in the same room I dont mind. It can get too much sometimes though and if I complain he says he doesnt go on it that much (hmmm). Luckily, most of the time he is reasonable. He even asks my permission to go it sometimes!! Got him well trained lol

[PinkPanther]

My hubby loves him some xbox and xbox live. It's his way to relax and hang with friends and I don't mind.

However he doesn't spend long hours on there, and he will stop in the middle if me or the baby need him.

I did tell him that we needed to cancel the subscription to WoW if he had an xbox live account as it was a waste of money.

Pretty much the only games I like are the Lego ones...it's fun to break all the lego pieces and collect coins...

I used to play Sims before I had a baby, and I always made myself clean for an hour, then I could play for an hour....clean for an hour...play for an hour...and I always got tired of playing and ended up cleaning more...

It's all about moderation.

My sister-in-law has a troubled marriage, because her husband and his whole family waste their lives on gaming. Which is a lesson to all that you should know someone longer than a month before you get married!

[yenni]

I'll never have the chance to become a gamers widow because the guys in our singles branch can't stop gaming long enough to date anyone

[Dravin]

I'll never have the chance to become a gamers widow because the guys in our singles branch can't stop gaming long enough to date anyone

You don't have to buy the game dinner or a movie ticket, its always there when you want it to be, it has no moods or shifting expectations, if you forget its name it isn't offended and best of all it never tells you no if you ask it if you can spend some time with it.

[its_Chet]

The problem that comes from gaming at times is that when you are not playing the game you don't really see what the game comes to mean to the gamer, so thoughts of unplugging or burning the game seem reasonable. Unfortunately it only causes hurt feelings and aggrivation.

Truthfully one thing I have learned since becomeing married is that for a person to change they have to decide to change themselves, you can never force another person to change themselves, you can only give advice.

Hallelujah!

I've been down this road with my wife, and she found it very difficult to compromise.

The way I see it, quitting games cold turkey, for me, would be like her going off her meds (for depression, anxiety, anger issues) cold turkey. Well, maybe not exactly, but you get the idea.

After being stuck in Phoenix area traffic for an hour, I used to love to take to the streets of Vice City, using a cheat code that gave my car the qualities of solid granite. I'd go barrelling down the streets and anything that got in my way went flying down the street or sailing up into the air. Now THAT's therapeutic!

The games can be addictive. But since they don't cause the same damage as drugs or gambling, I personally believe that a realistic compromise should be reached and the addicted gamer should be allowed to wean themselves off, or at least to a satisfactory reduction. You may not be able to see a gamer in withdrawal, but it happens. And withdrawals for a gamer will make it harder for them to stay away.

It was more difficult for me living in Arizona. I NEVER wanted to go outside because we lived in the suburbs and it was ridiculously hot so much of the time. I'm from the rural midwest. I like distance between me and the neighbors. I don't like traffic. I like changes of season. Now that we live back in what I consider the real world (the midwest), I'm much more inclined to spend time outside. We have a pool in the back yard and I keep that up. I mow the lawn. I take care of the trees. I don't know how to fix much of anything, but I either try or get help from a friend. I enjoy spending time outside, and the more time I spend outside, the less time I have to play games.

That's the important part, whatever your situation. You have to find something that will replace the time you spend on the games. You have to find something to make yourself busy enough that you don't think so much about the games. This is when you need support to break the addiction, not criticism and derision. The addict needs encouragement and coaxing, not screeching and anger. It's easier to get an addict off the computer when the family is going outside to rake the leaves together, than it is when the chores are all done and nothing urgent is pressing, yet the spouse is in a rage because the addict is being "unfashionable".

The hardest thing for me was when I would constantly get the impression that the reason my gaming was a problem was because my wife thought it was "unhip" or "dorky", or that she simply wanted to yell for me to jump and expected me to ask "How high?" It also didn't help when she got her mother involved. All that made me defensive. And I just dug in and fought back.

Spending time with nature has filled that need for me, and feeling like the busybodies are off my back makes me a lot more cooperative.

To anyone who considers themselves a "gaming widow", I beg you to offer your husband a more compelling reason to break the addiction than that you want to control him. Acknowledge that he's not viewing obscene material. Acknowledge his level of devotion to Church and family, whatever it is. Be respectful, and you may get him to admit it's an addiction. Until that happens, little good, if any, will come from getting on his case about it. And you can't just bring him to a place where he realizes he's addicted and then dump him there. You have to encourage him to find something else to do with that time, and if you're legitimately concerned that he doesn't spend enough time with you, put your money where your mouth is and offer to spend time with him doing whatever it is that needs to be done. Who knows? It may actually bring you closer together!

Whatever you do, don't give him the impression that you're simply viewing him as an anger inducing, malfunctioning puppet, and don't get upset at him for not obeying any blunt commands to get off the computer. If you think you have problems now, just see what happens if you go down that road.

Make him believe that you genuinely want his company doing something worthwhile, like going for a walk, or something pleasant. If you try to "ground" him, he may just act the part.

[Generally_Me]

Hallelujah!

That's the important part, whatever your situation. You have to find something that will replace the time you spend on the games. You have to find something to make yourself busy enough that you don't think so much about the games. This is when you need support to break the addiction, not criticism and derision. The addict needs encouragement and coaxing, not screeching and anger. It's easier to get an addict off the computer when the family is going outside to rake the leaves together, than it is when the chores are all done and nothing urgent is pressing, yet the spouse is in a rage because the addict is being "unfashionable".

The hardest thing for me was when I would constantly get the impression that the reason my gaming was a problem was because my wife thought it was "unhip" or "dorky", or that she simply wanted to yell for me to jump and expected me to ask "How high?" It also didn't help when she got her mother involved. All that made me defensive. And I just dug in and fought back.

Spending time with nature has filled that need for me, and feeling like the busybodies are off my back makes me a lot more cooperative.

To anyone who considers themselves a "gaming widow", I beg you to offer your husband a more compelling reason to break the addiction than that you want to control him. Acknowledge that he's not viewing obscene material. Acknowledge his level of devotion to Church and family, whatever it is. Be respectful, and you may get him to admit it's an addiction. Until that happens, little good, if any, will come from getting on his case about it. And you can't just bring him to a place where he realizes he's addicted and then dump him there. You have to encourage him to find something else to do with that time, and if you're legitimately concerned that he doesn't spend enough time with you, put your money where your mouth is and offer to spend time with him doing whatever it is that needs to be done. Who knows? It may actually bring you closer together!

Whatever you do, don't give him the impression that you're simply viewing him as an anger inducing, malfunctioning puppet, and don't get upset at him for not obeying any blunt commands to get off the computer. If you think you have problems now, just see what happens if you go down that road.

Make him believe that you genuinely want his company doing something worthwhile, like going for a walk, or something pleasant. If you try to "ground" him, he may just act the part.

Precisely.

Game widows (and widowers) need to read the book "Game Widow" by Wendy Kays. Very small book, I read it in a day, but enlightening and helpfull for the widow.

[Bini]

Spending an excessive amount of time playing video or PC games when you have other responsibilities to attend to, is unacceptable in my book, period. An hour here or there to unwind and kill some idle time is fine but not when you lock yourself away from interacting with your spouse, kids and loved ones in general. I truly believe this can become an addiction and a hazard to a relationship.

In my marriage, I'm the gamer but I know when to pull the plug. This summer I chose not to work and take a vacation from my job. It's been easy to sit on the computer and play my Sims or mess around with Photoshop for hours on end. But the moment my husband walks through the door from being at work, I know it's time to turn it off and be with him. Occasionally we'll sit on the sofa and play Resident Evil on console together. But otherwise, solo-activities are out the window.

[annewandering]

For years I was a 'tv widow'. About 5 years ago one of my sons wanted to chat with me but he liked to play FFXI. He installed the game on my computer so he didnt have to call. lol.

What he didnt know is that I would end up loving the game even when he was off in Iraq and couldnt play very often.

Now I play the game, my husband surfs the internet for movies and general information and watches tv. We are both content. He says he is going to play a little but he will never be a gamer. I dont mind although I would love it if he did.

My son still plays sometimes although not during school semesters since he is studying hard. Several of my daughters play, one more than the other. We communicate on the game a lot.

You know its a stereotype that men are the ones playing. At least half the people I play with are women. A lot of the people I play with are couples, young and old, and families. My best friend is a grandmother who plays with two of her daughters.

I am physically disabled and can't do a lot but the game allows me social interaction and something to keep my brain going.

The degree of involvement is different for different people but if you want to limit a persons playing then you need to discuss it in a way that is not jealousy speaking. You need to understand what the game is. Most of the games have times when the players are in a group that depends on everyone. These times can last blocks of time like 4 hours straight. Most of the time it is not like that. If you understand what is being done and what regular blocks of time are needed then perhaps it is easier to deal with. For me, I have an event that I do twice a week with a group of around 40 people. It lasts from 3 to 4 hours each time. If I make the committement to be there then those people depend on me. They are not cartoon characters. They are people that have arranged their rl to be there same as I have. If you demand that you want to do something else during that time then you are being unfair to not only your spouse but to the others who are depending on them.

Now if I am just crafting or doing other activities that have no time set then I can be interrupted anytime. Still it is nice to have a warning and be left with time to shut down.

By the way gil selling or gold selling as its called on WOW is illegal and a rotten thing to do to other players. People who do this are callled RMT and are scum in my mind. They basically steal from players and the game and sell to other scum callled gil or gold buyers who actually pay someone to play a game for them. sheesh. Can you imagine paying someone to play Monopoly for you? It is also a new way that organized crime uses to launder money. Nice way to make a living isnt it.

[Maxel]

There's a new support group for anyone attempting to recover from an addiction to gaming- it's called 'Recovering Gamers'. If anyone's intersted in joining, shoot me a PM.

Edited September 8, 2009 by Maxel

[tybaeb3]

I have this problem with my husband, he finishes work a little earlier then me and when I arrive home the kids are entertaining themselves and my husband is on the computer when I mention it he becomes defensive to the point that on one occassion after I invited him to the table for dinner after several reminders we ate without him when I questioned him later his reply was it's his choice if and when he wants to eat dinner I was baffled and thought who are you and was extremely angry about his comment.

[its_Chet]

Whatever you do, just remember that you catch more flies with honey.

Gamers like me get addicted easily. We don't see the problem. We wonder to ourselves why we're being hassled when we provide for our families, aren't abusing anyone, make it to Church every Sunday, etc. We feel like our spouses are trying to be domineering and control us because they see us doing something "unfashionable". We see pettiness in those who criticize us, but not ourselves. The addiction blinds us.

The last thing you want to do is confirm those suspicions.

Overcoming gaming, or dealing with a spouse who is addicted, needs to be a delicate process. I would recommend taking steps. First, maybe start with suggesting no new games. The addict will only play the same games over and over again for so long, and then they'll get bored with them. That will help break the addiction. Next, I'd try to find something to lure the addict away from the addiction. It has to have a powerful enough attraction to lure the addict away. What that is for every person may be different. What worked for me was spending time working in the yard, with the lawn and the trees. After having to live in Arizona for six years, it was a blessing and a relief to have a yard with trees and grass. Nature has been very theraputic in my case. But the lure from the games needs to be tailored to suit your spouse's interests.

All men are suckers when it comes to one thing, and while I wouldn't recommend using it to get what you want, if you dangle a particular shiny object in front of any man with a pulse, he'll become a lot more pliable. Again, I wouldn't recommend using it to get what you want, but it does have the ability to get a man's attention in a hurry. Just a thought. Be prudent with this approach. Be careful and judicious.

Another thought: it helped me to see my addiction as not being the typical behavior of a man, and I was allowed to come to that conclusion independently. To a point, gaming was how I dealt with feeling like a shut in and a prisoner in a desert suburbia (I'm from the rural midwest). Plus, I didn't really fit in with anyone out there, but when I came back home, I noticed that I didn't know the things that a man should know because I didn't spend time doing the things that most men do. In other words, I felt kind of "un-manly". This motivated me to spend more time doing more "manly" things like yard work, fixing vehicles, home repairs, etc. And the fulfillment I felt at feeling more like a real man helped keep the cravings for games away.

Whatever you do, don't withhold your love as punishment for the gamer. Don't make him feel judged or persecuted. Encourage him to redirect his attention. I wouldn't advise trying to make him see himself as strange for being a gamer, even if he's not paying enough attention to his family, but if you can very carefully help him see that his addiction is unhealthy, that might be a good idea at some point. But you have to help him see, not make him see. You have to be very careful too, otherwise you'll do more harm than good and you'd actually be better off having left him alone.

Just let him know that you love him, that you need him to spend less time on it, and make it clear why. Make sure your reasons are more compelling than "it makes you look dorky to me." If you don't he will probably assume that you just want to control him. Gamers don't think they're hurting anyone. If you suggest otherwise, you need to be careful about it and have some convincing evidence or testimony.

In my addiction, I'd have gladly stepped away from the computer to spend time with my wife when I felt loved by and emotionally safe with her. If she asked me to step away, I needed to feel it was because she wanted me to be with her, spend time with her, etc. If I thought she wanted me to step away just because she didn't find what I was doing to be cool enough, I'd stay at it out of protest.

Love will lead the addict away from the games a lot faster than anger or contempt (real or perceived) will. Wear the kid gloves and be patient. Chastisement, derision, bitterness, impatience, judgmentalism, pomposity, etc., will all make things worse than if you just left the gamer to himself to game for as long as he wants.

Your gamer may be able to still game once in a while without it being a problem, once the addiction is broken. You need to let him decide what's best, ultimately. I still game once in a while, if I'm bored and can't think of anything else to do, if I'm home alone for a few hours, etc. And maybe I'll feel the need to beat the game and will continue it whenever I can find the spare time to do it, but I always end up putting the game away and going back to normal. Feeling free to game or not to game if I choose is absolutely necessary. Feeling like I had to get my gaming in during "permissable hours" made it feel impossible to stop. Freedom, on the other hand, seems to dull the desire a lot. If I can play my games anytime I want, I don't feel the need to do it right now. I can always do it some other time. And some other time normally never comes and I'm okay with that because I've got other things I'd rather do anyway.

Someday, after your gamer's addiction is broken, he'll realize how he's treating you right now. You'll have to wait until then for justice. First you need to show mercy, and help your gamer overcome his addiction. You can't do it for him, but you can help him. Remember to lure him away from it with pleasant things. Let the decision not to game be his. He will respect you for it. He will feel freedom instead of persecution. He will have a better chance at letting go of the addiction.

Good luck to you. Remember to be patient and loving. God bless.

[funkenheimer]

I love playing video games. I love playing many different types of video games. I play with my daughters, I play by myself, I play with my brothers. I sometimes even play with my dad. I am an avid WoW (World of Warcraft) player and been playing for a little more than 2 years now. I have no desire to stop, nor do I feel the need to stop.

Having said that, I am recently divorced and I have custody of our 2 daughters so I am finding myself with much less time on my hands than previously. I play video games when I have nothing else to do. To me its no different than someone who watches TV.

Here is how I feel about video games.

First of all, there is no such thing as video game addiction. It's not possible. Meriam Webster defines addiction as follows:

compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

The term that most people casually throw around, "video game addiction" is more likely a lack of self control. If I were to stop playing video games tomorrow, which I will NOT do, I would have absolutely no physical symptoms. I might perhaps feel some anxeity as now I would have much more time in my day to fill with other things, but there would be no physical or psychological harm.

Second, since when does forcing someone to do, or not to do, something bring about the result you desire. Threatening to burn, smash, uninstall, or delete the game, or in extreme cases, threatening seperation or divorce, rarely brings about the desired outcome. The fact that you are willing to throw away your marriage over a video game is just as absurd as the amount of time he spends playing the game. I often have used games like World of Warcraft as an escape. It lets me go to another world where I didn't have to worry about things like bills, finances, work, nagging wife, and other stressers.

Forcing someone to quit or giving an ultimatum is not the Lord's way. The Lord loves us so much he gave us moale agency so we can learn and grow by making decisions, and sometimes making mistakes. He loved us so much that he gave us this gift knowing that right off the bat 1/3 of his children would choose not to follow this plan and be cast out. Who are we to attempt to take away this divine gift from another.

Instead I would offer an alternative, but first a story from the Book of Mormon. We all know the story of the time Nephi broke his bow while hunting. When he returned home with no food nearly everyone was murmuring against him. Even Lehi murmured. This would be the perfect opportunity for Nephi to assume the role as prophet and leader. Instead Nephi asks his dad where he should go hunting. With this question Nephi restores all faith in Lehi and he carries on as prophet and continues to lead his family. The point to all of this is simple. If you treat a man as he is, he will remain as he is. But if you treat a man as he may become, he will become whom he may become. Check out the Book of Mormon study guide for more details.

By trying to force or manipulate someone to give up video games you are treating him as he is and he will remain as he is. Perhaps its time to start treating him as the caring father/priesthood holder that he can be.

One more thing, and this may sound harsh, but perhaps the constant nagging about his video game playing is part of the reality he is trying to escape. I can't speak for all of us gamers, but this has definately been the case for me on many occasions.

[Tarnished]

When I first got married my husband was very heavily into his games, at that time he played Diablo. As time passed it turned into other games. At first I was upset by it, I tried to get him to leave the computer and come spend time with me. I wrote poetry about it I would threaten him I tried to find anyway to get him to stop gaming and spend time with me, his wife. A few years into the marriage I finally gave in and figured, if you can't beat them then join them. So I found games I liked, and I immersed myself in them. I used them as an escape from the real world, and our house fell into chaos. I figured why care about the house when it is obvious that he doesn't care about it either? Why care about spending time with him when he doesn't care about spending time with me.

I was the one who brought us into the world of MMORPGs and I was the one that got us hooked. We started with Ragnarok Online and eventually we moved over to WoW (World of Warcraft). We played WoW for years, with most of our interaction being through our computers. We messaged each other, often we would talk to each other while playing in game together, but we never really turned and looked at each other. Our sex life died because gaming was more important, our social life died because all our friends were in the game. We went to work everyday, and then when we came home we got together a quick meal and took it to our computers to eat at our desks as we gamed. We would game into the night every night. For me joining the gaming was the only way to combat it. I knew where he could and could not save, I knew when he could or could not quit, I understood all the in game lingo and could tell immediately when he was lying to me. Like when he hit level 80 in WoW and would say that he needed to find a safe place before quitting and I who had an 80 of my own would say, "Fly up somewhere and quit. You aren't going to get hurt by anything on top of that mountain there. Or if you are so worried just hearth." I also viewed gaming as a thing to do with my spare time, even as I realized that it used more spare time than it should.

Eventually the gaming was part of what almost ruined our marriage and it was a bleak realization to both of us. We had a financial crunch and our gaming subscription was one of the things we could afford to let go of. We are now focused on getting our house into decent shape again as well as losing the pounds we gained over the years of staying in a computer chair for almost all day long.

What I am trying to say by all of this is that gaming is difficult to give up, and yes it is addictive, I have gone through withdrawal to gaming, anytime I get into it and then quit I go through it again. It is hard to give up. But as with any addiction throwing a fit and setting down ultimatums will never fix anything. If anything it only pushes the addicted person away. If your spouse is addicted to gaming there are things you can do, learn about the game, the more you know about someone's addiction the better you will be at understanding them, the easier it will be to say, "I understand that you feel you need this right now, but I need you for such and such, do this and this and then come and help." It lets them know that you are willing to work with them. Over time work in other things that can be used as an escape or as something to spend free time on. This is what gaming is based around, a way to escape from the real world and a way to spend free time. Find a healthier replacement, something that your spouse will enjoy. Though it is natural and easy to fall back on getting angry at your spouse is the worst way to deal with this. Instead pray for them. Growing up I was terrified of my mother praying for me, because it usually meant that something in my life was going to change, drastically and though it would always make me a better person sometimes I just wasn't ready for the change. Pray for your spouse, but remember that you may not be ready for the change that may come.

Edited November 21, 2009 by Tarnished

[Melissa569]

I'm not a gamer video, but I am a poker widow, lol. Well, come to think of it, maybe I am a gamer's widow too! He does spend hours playing the free online games, in addition to the live casino ones...

I'm hoping that by being active in the church now, I can get some members to help me pull him out of it, because it is costing us a lot of money, even putting us in debt (he borrows money from friends to play, and then owes the later).

Hope god can show us a way out...

[Melissa569]

I agree with this statement-- I REFUSE to have a game machine in my house. So many memebrs of my mom's family (especially the boys) waste their entire life away staring at the TV screen like a zombie, with their thumbs going 200 miles an hour on a game paddle. They hardly ever see the light of day, lol.

I'm just a little bothered that the computer has been turned into a game machine now....

This was a dealbreaker for me when I was dating. I had dated a few guys who were addicted, and after about two, I decided that that was one thing I specifically DID NOT want in a husband. So we talked about it while we were dating. We will never own an Xbox, or anything like it. Perhaps someday a Wii (or its next generation), but more for the sports-type activities that can be done as families.

[funkenheimer]

I still don't agree that this is an addiction. This is a problem of will power. The video game system is not the problem. The problem is a person's inability to control his/her actions and impulses. I still feel this is a behavioral problem and is only manifest through extensive video games.

I play video games. I enjoy them. I play them when I have nothing to do (as a single father this isn't often). To me it is no different that someone sitting down and watching TV when they have nothing else to do.

[dazed-and-confused]

my wife is the one that can't get a handle on her POGO addiction....lol.....and I was the one who started her

[mormonwifey]

My husband had done that,playing from when he got home until we went to bed.One night after having dealt with this for months and months on end,with no time together,I finally told him if he didn't start spending time with me,family time,I would cut the cord from the stupid game system.Needless to say,it worked.He now plays some,but spends time with me,family time.

[its_Chet]

My husband had done that,playing from when he got home until we went to bed.One night after having dealt with this for months and months on end,with no time together,I finally told him if he didn't start spending time with me,family time,I would cut the cord from the stupid game system.Needless to say,it worked.He now plays some,but spends time with me,family time.

He must not have been addicted very strongly then (no terminolgical offense intended, Funkenheimer). Had he been as addicted to it as I was, this would have backfired on you severely.

Maybe you were nicer about it than you claim. :)

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but part of the reason I played so much was it was an escape from the remarkably depressing place I was living, both geographically and emotionally.

Some of us find it as hard to quit as it would be to give up smoking. Some of us don't react well to being ordered to stop, especially if, at least in our own minds, we believe that we're taking care of everything that needs to be done and our spouse is just being domineering and busting our chops over something she finds dorky or un-hip.

I just want to caution all gamer's widows out there one more time to be very careful not to come off like that. It's worse than counter-productive if you do, no matter how well you might actually mean.

[Bini]

I still don't agree that this is an addiction. This is a problem of will power. The video game system is not the problem. The problem is a person's inability to control his/her actions and impulses. I still feel this is a behavioral problem and is only manifest through extensive video games.

This IS addiction.

I play video games. I enjoy them. I play them when I have nothing to do (as a single father this isn't often). To me it is no different that someone sitting down and watching TV when they have nothing else to do.

This is NOT addiction.

There's a difference. What you're describing personally, I would not consider an addiction, but your earlier statement clearly describes addiction. Someone who is unable to break their psychological or physical habit-forming way is the definition of addiction—regardless of the media form.

[its_Chet]

I have to agree with Bini, though Funkenheimer makes a relevant point too. The video games themselves are not the problem, and are not inherently evil, as some will tell you. The problem is a person's proclivity to let the video games become more important to them than they should be. And making that decision gets more complicated when you have a family of your own, as the needs of more than just one person have to be factored in. But essentially, the problem is with the person who lets it consume them. It's kind of like caffeine, the way I see it. I once took half a box of caffeine pills to try to keep from falling asleep, and fell asleep anyway. I can drink a cola before bed and have no trouble sleeping (at least no more than usual). On the other hand, I know people who have to have a cola every so often or they get headaches. Different peoples' bodies react differently. Caffeine is not a problem for me, but if going without it gave me headaches (and I go without it often enough that I should know this), then I would know I needed to leave it alone, or at least put in place very rigid controls over how much of it I got.

I used to have a problem with video games. I felt a very strong urge to play them whenever I could. My wife and I eventually worked out a schedule of when I could and couldn't, and if she left the house for a half hour or more, I'd sneak in some unauthorized game time whenever possible. It became a real problem.

Now, I can say that my wife (soon to be ex wife, and for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with video games) and I never had the kind of relationship in which I would be encouraged not to play. In fact, the rejection and coldness were one of the things that drove me to play. I needed an escape and video games were it. This is why I encourage gamer's widows to take the following approach:

If you want to break the addiction, you have to do it gently. Make sure you're not driving him to escape you. In other words, positively encourage him to step away from the games. Try the carrot before using the stick. When you do use the stick, make sure he understands that your concerns are deeper than how "hip" being a gamer makes him look to you, or he may start to do it just to spite you. Remember that removing an addition from a person's life is a lot like trying to remove a wart with a knife. It has become a part of them, and you have to take it slow and careful, and they have to realize that even if you do it's going to hurt, just less than if you tried to rip it right out of them. The slower and more careful you go, the less it hurts.

But then there are some who prefer to just rip the bandage right off in one shot than to tug on it slowly. You just don't want to make that decision for the one getting the bandage taken off.

[funkenheimer]

I am still not sold on the idea that playing video games excessively can constitute an addiction, any more than watching too much TV, or hunting or fishing too much, or playing too much basketball, etc.

When I used the word inability in the above quote it was probably too strong a word. Unwillingness would probably more accurately describe what I meant to convey.

I still think this is more an issue of self control than addiction, even a psychological addiction.

Let me also make it clear that I do not have any training in psychology (outside of 1 college course) and I am in no way an expert.

I do agree that ultimatums in a marriage are generally a bad idea. Obviously there are times when this is appropriate, but for the most part they are divisive and will only result in polarizing the parties involved and push them farther apart. I agree with Chet in that this needs to be discussed with patience, love, and understanding. Changing one's behavior is not easy.