Which is Worse, Murder or Allowing Idiocy?

[talisyn]

I am going to kill my brother. I figure that's the best thing to do because if I report my car stolen by him he'll go to jail for 2 years and who knows what that'll do to his poor fragile psyche

Ok background....My brother went to Iraq and came back a mess, PTSD and all that. The last 2 years has seen the crash and burn of his marriage, borrowed tons of money from family (because we didn't understand what he was like at the time), and hit a pickup with a potato truck while drunk last year and got put on 2 years probation.

The court thing shook him up enough that he completed rehab at the VA hospital. He went to work as a CNA with the goal of moving to Boise and getting work at the VA hospital (he was told he'd be a shoo-in) and getting his son back. He managed to complete about 56 days alcohol-free, yay! We were all very proud and I even let him borrow my car more.

I am so disappointed in him. I know about the 'one day at a time' thing, and I believe that's what it takes. However, by taking my car he took away my means of taking care of my family. I wish I could walk the 4 miles to work and the 4 miles back, but the 12 hour shifts would kill me. My dad borrows my car to get to his dr. appointments in Boise, 200 miles away. He can't walk that. How can someone be so incredibly selfish, thoughtless, and plain stupid? I would try prayer for clarity of thought but I know the answer would not be in favor of justifiable homicide.

[FunkyTown]

You have to report it stolen. I'm sorry, Tali - I really am. I was in your shoes. But if he wrecks the car you have to know they'll hold you responsible.

[Connie]

I agree with FunkyTown. Report it stolen so he can face the consequences of his poor choices.

[Guest]

No matter what you do, don't kill your brother... it's bad enough your family doesn't have a car, you don't want them to have no father too. If you ask somebody else to find your brother and kill him, the cops might still be able to point it back to you. So, I would say, go borrow somebody else's car or have somebody drive you and go look for him. You can beat him up some to knock some sense into him, but make sure you already got your car keys before you do it in case he decides to swallow it out of spite.

[NeuroTypical]

PTSD, alcohol, and stole a car? Are you sure the car is stolen? If so, it sure would be a shame if this unstable individual was protected by people who should have known better, and goes on to really hurt someone...

[RachelleDrew]

You had better call the cops. What if he kills somebody in that car of yours?

Seriously, he stole it now he needs to face the consequences. PTSD is no excuse to commit a crime.

[john doe]

I'm assuming he took the car and hasn't returned within a reasonable amount of time? Contact the police, explain the situation to them. Report the car stolen by your brother and that he is missing as well. You can't hold yourself responsible if he chooses to do stupid things which will put your family and your job in jeopardy. What happens if you lose your job as a result of his selfishness?

[pam]

Reminds me of an episode on Cops. Girl "borrowed" a friend' car. Two days later had not returned it so the owner of the car reported it stolen. The girl who borrowed the car was pulled over. She said..but I borrowed it and the owner didn't tell me me when I had to have it back so I assumed it was okay to keep on using it. Besides...how can it be stolen if I have the keys?

I say report it stolen.

[talisyn]

I was about 20 minutes away from calling the police when he made it to my parents house. Dad took the keys and he's not giving them back

Yeah, next time, if there is a next time, will be instant reporting. I'm tired of this. I love my brother and would do anything for him, but I also have to think about taking care of my daughter too.

[NeuroTypical]

I'm glad this episode had a happy ending. I'm sorry it sounds like "join us next week for another rousing adventure of Taking-Wrong-Paths-Man!"

I love my brother and would do anything for him

I don't think it's possible to say both of those things together in the same sentence and be correct. If you love someone, there is a whole host of things you will NEVER do for them.

Protecting them from consequences of their actions comes to mind...

LM

[talisyn]

The past 2 years has been a whole slew of episodes from that show, LM. My family has got a lot better at feeling better about telling my brother he's an idiot sometimes (in a loving way of course). Dealing with someone who has addiction problems is such a pain! You can't hit them with a skillet or run over them, yet you can't let them think they're getting away with anything cause that just encourages them. And yet you have to be supportive of the good stuff they do. It's worse than housebreaking a puppy, and yet that's a really bad attitude as well cause this is an adult we're talking about. Apparently there's a fine line between being 'tough' and being demeaning, with being supportive and being a sap, and I haven't found out how to do it yet.

[Islander]

He needs to get treatment, work on his issues make restitution to the family.

And the family MUST stop playing the racket and enabling him. PTSD is not insanity. He has not lost his mind and is no longer capable of rational decisions or to adhere to social norms. He has unresolved traumatic events that create anxiety, insomnia, worry, fear, etc. Justifying his addiction and antisocial behavior will do nothing to help in his recovery.

What we feel is never a good excuse to break the law or inflict pain on others.

[Still_Small_Voice]

I hope your car wasn't damaged in anyway Talisyn. Was it? I hope things get better for you soon.

[talisyn]

Actually, there are 3 gouges on the front bumper.

He said 'It's ok, she won't make me pay for her fence.'

I'm making him clean my house for 2 weeks to pay for the damage.

[blusun7]

id buy all the parts to fix and have a shop paint it.Give him the instruction manual from autozone and tell him since he did the damage he has to fix it. Thats better than cleaning the house. Keep the keys on you while he does it.

[lilered]

One of the toughest things in life to do is love someone so much that you allow them to be responsible for their own actions. Most of us want to help those who are addicted we make excuses for them, bail them out, and overlook their mistakes. Problem is that we can't save them from themselves when the keep on wanting to be addicted and for some of us, it takes a long time to learn that. I know it did me. Once we finally, figured out to quit enabling after many years and unsuccesful tries, and let them face the music, after much prayer and faith, one of our children finally got their act together but only after we quit rushing in to help pick up the pieces and pay the bills.

[applepansy]

I'm a bit late joining this thread.

I'm glad things worked out ok with the car. Even though you got it back with dings, you got it back and no one was physically hurt. However, you and your whole family were hurt.

There is only one way to help your brother and that is to let him hit ROCK BOTTOM. To stand by and watch a loved one fall so low they finally realize they need help is one of the most difficult things you'll ever do in this life. But if he is going to accept that he needs help and he needs to change, he has to hit the bottom. He needs to be hopeless. (I know...that sounds so cruel.)

Its the truth though. PTSD and addiction are two different things. He needs counseling for the PTSD and he needs AA. Until he's ready to be brutally honest with himself and everyone around him neither will be helpful.

My suggestion is: STOP picking up the pieces for him. STOP enabling him. If he takes your car without permission, Report it stolen. If he becomes abusive while intoxicated or high, call the police. ETC. I know that sounds harsh...but really it isn't. You're allowing the logical consequences of his behavior to hit him in the face. Until he really and truly understands the consequences of his behavior he will only continue to abuse you and your family.

My heart goes out to you. This is a terribly difficult situation. Keep your name, your brother's name and other family member's names on the temple prayer roll. It WORKS!

applepansy

[Robert_Mason]

I'm glad this episode had a happy ending. I'm sorry it sounds like "join us next week for another rousing adventure of Taking-Wrong-Paths-Man!"

Someone should make this.

I don't think it's possible to say both of those things together in the same sentence and be correct. If you love someone, there is a whole host of things you will NEVER do for them.

Protecting them from consequences of their actions comes to mind...

LM

Seconded. We really need to have a class on this (and related things) in church...

[Seanette]

I am going to kill my brother. I figure that's the best thing to do because if I report my car stolen by him he'll go to jail for 2 years and who knows what that'll do to his poor fragile psyche

The only advice I can think of is to point out that reporting the theft wouldn't get you excommunicated.

[Seanette]

I was about 20 minutes away from calling the police when he made it to my parents house. Dad took the keys and he's not giving them back

Yeah, next time, if there is a next time, will be instant reporting. I'm tired of this. I love my brother and would do anything for him, but I also have to think about taking care of my daughter too.

So glad he and your car made it back safely.

Another concern I have (had an alcoholic parent, so have some experience here) would be allowing your daughter to ride anywhere with him. Since he can't be trusted to be sober while driving, if it were my decision, I would not allow anyone under my stewardship (including myself) to get into a car he's driving.

[talisyn]

So glad he and your car made it back safely.

Another concern I have (had an alcoholic parent, so have some experience here) would be allowing your daughter to ride anywhere with him. Since he can't be trusted to be sober while driving, if it were my decision, I would not allow anyone under my stewardship (including myself) to get into a car he's driving.

That's a really good point, thank you. My sister already forbids her kids from riding with him, and I have recently.

You know, he was such a sweet kid until he joined the Army. I have nothing but respect for those who serve in the military but I wish there had been more support programs 2 years ago when he came back from Iraq. Right now it seems the programs the VA offers is basically trying to deal with the mess that's made because the soldiers don't know how to deal with returning home.