when a member stops showing up

[bcguy]

Who responsibility is it to check up on them? I wonder seems our ward has a bit of the I don't care mentality which is why its small. Other ward on other side of town is growing. Ours is stagnant.

I have not seen a home teacher in at least two months. I have not attended in three weeks. I get no calls or emails of concern as to why I have not attended. It is kind of a wait and see why there is no response.

[Misshalfway]

This same thing happened to me. I could have disappeared and no one would have cared or known the difference.

Who should check up? Officially the VTers or HTers. Who should really be doing it? Anyone who cares are you.

[Honor]

When I was little, I used to hide, wondering how long it would take my family to notice that I was gone, only to bring disappointment when it wasn't as quickly as I'd hoped. I think we tend to do this sometimes as adults, be it with church attendance, socially with our friends or emotionally with our spouses. Everyone wants to know that they've been missed - that their presence makes a difference, however, I've also learned (still learning) that we usually bring unnecessary grief on ourselves when we expect something without communicating it. I wonder how many times I've been oblivious to someone's struggles without meaning to make them feel unloved.

Who's responsability is it? I agree with MissH, as far as the organization of the church goes - Visiting and Home teachers, but I don't think that it'd be fair to point and say, "You failed and they went inactive!" I haven't seen my Home or Visiting teachers are in over a year and a half (the year and a half in which my marriage collapsed, lengthy divorce process ensued/continues and single motherhood set in), but it's STILL my responsability to put myself where I need to be, and ask for help if I need it.

[NeuroTypical]

Ew. Who wants to go to a ward where people check up on you because it's their responsibility? I'd rather have people check up on me because they care. And forming caring relationships is a two way street, partner.

In my late teens, I stopped going to church. I got a call from someone checking up on me. It was incredibly obvious someone had assigned him the job of checking up on me and trying to buddy up with me. All it did was reinforce my decision to go inactive.

Of course, nowadays, I understand that to be missed, you actually have to be 'missable', and that means making friends and forming relationships, and that's something that falls on my plate and nobody else's.

LM

[bytebear]

To the OP, I think this can be a lesson for you. Magnify your callings, since you know now how it is to be on the other side of the fence. If your ward is stagnant, then maybe suggest some activities that will get people out. Maybe something simple like a weed pulling party at the chapel.

[Guest Believer_1829]

This is where I think the LDS church is too business like in structure, people get in the habit of thinking something like this is someone else's department. LDS call each other brother and sister for a reason...

Of course it is your responsibility to check up on someone if you notice they have gone AWOL. Pick up the phone, ask how they are doing, be a friend.

[sixpacktr]

I think it is a combination of laziness/not caring and a desire to not pry. If you've been really active for many years and suddenly don't show up, then a couple of weeks may go by without a call for fear of invading privacy (I know that if I didn't show up for a couple of weeks, I wouldn't want to be explaining to people as to the 'why' since I feel I have a good excuse). But, also, you are right BC in that some people just don't care if you're there or not. They expect the Bishop(ric) to take care of it, when in reality it is the HT/VT 'job' (bad word, I know, but you know what I'm getting at I think) to make sure that they keep a tab on their families so that the Bishop is aware of possible problems.

Don't let the failure of others to reach out to you keep you from the blessings of church attendance, particularly partaking of the sacrament. You only hurt yourself, not others.

[wildbean98]

Do you go to church so you can be liked and missed or do you go because you believe this church is true? I left the church when I was 17 because I confused God with his followers. I left because of how the people treated me, not because I stopped believing. I'm back now because I realized that church is about God, not about who cares about me and who doesn't.

The best way to be missed is to be involved. If you volunteer to help with youth, with the missionaries, with scouting, or anything really I guarantee you will be missed if you don't show up for a couple weeks.

[rampion]

As a teen I used to stop eating and see how long it would take for anyone to notice. Then when a guy in school whose attention I didn't want, I kept doing it because even though someone noticed, it wasn't who I wanted to notice. Yes, I needed something from someone, but didn't get what I needed that way. My parents probably thought that I wanted to be left alone, especially since if they had commented on my lack of eating, I probably would have told them to mind their own business even though it was what I wanted from them.

I understand wanting to be noticed, and to have someone demonstrate how much they care. And that it's hard to go to someone and say, "I'm struggling and I need help." I also know how easy it is to quietly fade and disappear and become invisible and send the message that it is nobody's business.

Whose responsibility is it to check up? It would be great if anyone who thought about it would say something, give you a call, tell you that they miss seeing you there, etc. Who would you like to have check up on you? Would you take the initiative to give them a call and tell them that you would like to hear from them? Who is responsible for your attendance and participation? We believe in agency, and you are the one with a choice about your priorities and your actions. You're more aware than anybody else of your level of participation. Do you really want to leave it all up to anyone else?

[Guest Alana]

Three weeks is nothing. I've been gone for three weeks because of sickness and a family reunion. Once I got back a few people said they haven't seen me in a while but it seemed our small ward got on just fine. Plus, I'm a primary teacher, and that meant they had to struggle to get someone at the last minute to teach the class (half hour before church started my son suddenly become covered in spots.... no time for a substitute!)

I find that when I'm feeling the most ignored or unloved, it's time for me to stop ignoring those around me and show them more love than usual. Maybe church works the same way.

[Misshalfway]

This subject is a sensitive one for me. Partly because I know how it feels to be on both sides. I have been on the RS "to do" list and I know I have not reached out to others either....not even aware of who may not be feeling welcome. So I suppose I sympathize on both sides.

I find that when I'm feeling the most ignored or unloved, it's time for me to stop ignoring those around me and show them more love than usual. Maybe church works the same way.

I appreciate the sentiment here, Alana. But there is part of me that wants to argue with it. Yes, we have personal responsibity. And sometimes the cure to our own ailments is getting out of ourselves and into someone elses life. I guess it was my experience that sometimes you just don't have the strength or capacity to do that and its not always an issue of pride. Sometimes healing needs to happen first. Like a gentleman in my ward who lost his wife and just couldn't go to church as it reminded him of her. He just needed the understanding of others around him and the gentleness of peoples reactions...not pressure, not a sermon.

I do think that we mormons sometimes get very judgmental about the whole less active behavior. We don't see the pain in someones heart. I had the RS pres on my porch talking to me like I was a puppy. Most of them I hadn't even met before. They said "you haven't been at church." I said. "Yup. And I prolly won't be back for a while." Their sweet faces all turned sour and they left saying...."well, if ther is anything we can do....." I knew I hadn't gone with the program and I also knew that they really didn't care about me. No one ever called back. No one ever came to see what the problem was. No one shared a scripture or a shoulder or a knowing giggle. The whole experience was weak to say the least.

It is my opinion that the hearts of men are going cold in the church. I think this is creeping in and I don't know if we always feel it when it does. I think we are sometimes too busy or stressed for the spirit to prompt us and I think we are afraid of doubting perspectives. When someone gets their feelings hurt, we are quick to correct instead of applying compassion to the pain. I include myself in all of these descriptions.

I don't know. I wonder if the church needs to raise the bar with regards to how we love each other, and check up on each other. I know I really could have used a friend..... a real one... who just cared about me instead of doing a duty while they were assigned to me and forgetting my name when the assignment changed. One who didn't need me to do anything in order to receive it. I think there is a lot to be said about where we put our focus and how we evaluate people and situations. Perhaps there is a lot to be said for meeting people where they are and not letting what they do, or how they feel, interfere with how we love.

Edited August 19, 2009 by Misshalfway

[lost87]

I really like your response misshalfway...I think that it is very true that we as a church are following an assignment rather than truly loving someone more and more often.

I think situations such as these point out how imperative it is that we live our lives constantly following the promptings of the spirit. There have been too many times when i've had a thought during church to call someone or write a note or something silly like that and simply ignored the thought....only to find out later that they had gone through a really hard time at the exact moment their names came to mind.

I think that if we were all living the way we are asked to live then there would never be a need to assign someone the task of fellowhipping an inactive member, or someone who is going through a hard time...if we are truly living according to the promptings of the spirit and with the love of Christ in our hearts then those are things we ought to be doing long before it is assigned....Thanks to the OP for bringing all this up....it has helped me realize the need to simply love unconditionally and without judgement...of course that is easier said than done, but definately something worth working towards

[bcguy]

On another token,

What If I am sick? In the hospital? cannot talk? Mabey im so broke I do not have a car or phone ?

My second counselor has asked me three times my phone numbers or contact so he can visit us. That was 5 weeks ago.

Yes, three weeks is perhaps a short time period. But its a good test to see if the ward cares if they call,email or visit after a long period of absents.

at the same token, I do not have any friends in church. When I mean "a friend", I mean some one do so something with on a regular basis instead of "Hi, can I borrow this from you or, Can you come over to help me with this move?" I do not consider that friendship, just a acquaintance asking for assistance and then never hear from them in a long time.

In the old days, before church if you wanted to be part of a bunch of guys or "friends" everyone would go out and get drunk or party at night. Not me!

Edited August 19, 2009 by bcguy

[bcguy]

Try this, call some one single or married could who have not been to church in a while if thay want to go and see a movie?

I can see loudmouths response by "whos duty is it anyway?" when it really should not be a assignment to check up on some one but, do it because your concerned not because your told to! do it and invite them to a movie or goto the fair with them. But ask them why thay have not attended in a non judgmental way.

[Guest Alana]

I think that my preferring to not be contacted much flavors my opinion here. I'm a little unsocial. I'm friendly, but when it comes to my home life, I'm a bit of a home body and don't like unexpected visitors, I don't answer my phone most of the time or check the messages. Hmmm, makes me sound a little like an hermit lol.

I guess that when I feel like I need help or am lonely, the way I fulfill that need is always by my reaching out, when I'm ready, rarely by them reaching out first. What happens when you reach out and no one takes your hand? I don't know. Is that perhaps the situation here? I hope not.

[Moksha]

Who should really be doing it? Anyone who cares...

We are the caring heart we've been waiting for.

:)

[miztrniceguy]

we didnt go for 4 weeks due to various illnesses....nobody called until the 4th week that my 3.5 yr old wasnt in primary.

we started attending a different ward, same building. 3 weeks went by, then someone from primary called on sat to tell us that my daughter was scheduled for scripture and prayer the next day, altho she hadn't been there for 3 weeks. we told them that even if we were going to be there 1 day was not enough notice.

[Guest missingsomething]

Who responsibility is it to check up on them? I wonder seems our ward has a bit of the I don't care mentality which is why its small. Other ward on other side of town is growing. Ours is stagnant.

I have not seen a home teacher in at least two months. I have not attended in three weeks. I get no calls or emails of concern as to why I have not attended. It is kind of a wait and see why there is no response.

I think sometimes, people get wrapped up in their own lives and not being perfect, procrastinate. Others may feel intimidated if they previously reached out to someone and had a negative outcome. And it is summer - several families in my ward are gone for a month at a time - going back west to visit family. They may not realize there is something wrong.

Personally, I believe if we see a need that we can fulfill - like calling someone, etc and we feel prompted, then we need to PROMPTLY act on it.... either find the appropriate person or such.

Is there reason you arent going - or to just prove a point? Have you considered calling your home teachers to tell them you have a need? Because it is also part of your responsibility (IMO) to reach out to those in a position to help you when you need it. We are taught to humble ourselves to ask for help- even of the Savior.

And, if its just to see how long it takes to have someone reach out to you - can I pose this question: Have you ever noticed someone missing? Did you call that person to say - Hey- I missed you by theway.... If not, perhaps this is a learning experience for you as well.

Just a few thoughts.... but chances are people have noticed you arent there - :)

[Guest missingsomething]

OHHH on the other hand... everytime my sister and her family miss--- the ward presidency calls her to ask why she wasnt there. I was talking to her about this... and she said... in her opinion this is worse because she is made to feel guilty for missing if she only missed because of a headache or someone wasnt feeling great or they had non-member family visiting.

So, I guess we have to follow the promptings of the spirit - learn to recognize them and then act accordingly.

[Canuck Mormon]

Me and my wife had been on holiday and we missed the following week (total of 3) and our Home Teacher called on the 3rd Sunday to see if we were OK. I explained that we were still not recovered from the trip. He asked if there was anything that we needed. He was a great Home Teacher. He didn't do it out of "having to", but he was genuinely concerned. The Home Teaching routes were recently re-done and he is no longer our Home Teacher, but he always says hello to us and asks how we are doing, and if we need anything.

If only everyone was like this. Since the routes changed, we haven't seen or heard from our new Home Teachers. That was 2 months ago.

[Hemidakota]

Who responsibility is it to check up on them? I wonder seems our ward has a bit of the I don't care mentality which is why its small. Other ward on other side of town is growing. Ours is stagnant.

I have not seen a home teacher in at least two months. I have not attended in three weeks. I get no calls or emails of concern as to why I have not attended. It is kind of a wait and see why there is no response.

Apathy?

Don't feel bad, I didn't have a home teacher for at least four years. Even if we are operating automatically in the church should not prevent us at least have a home teacher. Even my current home teacher when ask to give me blessing passed this off to the HP Quorum president. Though, what was given in the blessing was not the Lord's will, I felt it would of been better served by my own home teacher.

Talk to the quorum leader on this issue. I am curious to hear what is given in return.

[desirexnoel]

Who responsibility is it to check up on them? I wonder seems our ward has a bit of the I don't care mentality which is why its small. Other ward on other side of town is growing. Ours is stagnant.

I have not seen a home teacher in at least two months. I have not attended in three weeks. I get no calls or emails of concern as to why I have not attended. It is kind of a wait and see why there is no response.

I only had people coming over because my dad kept sending them. He gave out my phone number too and gave both my phone number and address to any new missionaries. He didn't have my permission to give either out. It was really annoying...

Edited August 20, 2009 by desirexnoel

[Bini]

In my late teens, I stopped going to church. I got a call from someone checking up on me. It was incredibly obvious someone had assigned him the job of checking up on me and trying to buddy up with me. All it did was reinforce my decision to go inactive.

I had the same experience.

It's awkward and uncomfortable for both parties when the "checking up on" is solely a duty and not done because of genuine concern etc etc.

[Moksha]

Just a weather balloon idea, but what if the home and visiting teachers ceased their efforts of 'singing to the choir' and put their efforts more into an outreach for those estranged from the Church?