What is Normal - Boys and Dressing Up

[theoriginalavatar]

My son is 5 years old. He is a good boy, but I am concerned with one aspect of his behavior. He has always been fascinated by all things "girl." He LOVES to dress up in his sister's dresses and play dolls and that sort of thing. At first I thought it was just normal because he is around his sister all the time and we don't really have neighbors with boys his age with whom he can associate. Everyone told me that it would pass and that it wasn't all that uncommon. I even thought that he would change when he started kindergarten. This hasn't been the case. He is very smart (don't all parents say that about their children? ), and does well in school, but he is still obsessed with girl things. He draws princesses nearly EVERY time he draws or colors. He is such a sweet little boy, but I do not know if I should be concerned and/or try to do something to curtail this behavior. Don't get me wrong, I love him very much no matter what, but should I be concerned??

[mightynancy]

It seems that he isn't distressed by his behavior - and there's nothing technically wrong with it.

Are you worried that he will turn out to be gay? Or are you worried about how other boys will treat him? If it's the former, there's not much you can do (I'm sure some will disagree). If it's the latter, you'll want to arm him with confidence. If he does get picked on, you can talk with him about either adapting his behavior or learning how to deal with bullying in some other way.

[Gwen]

i wouldn't worry to much about it. is his sister older or younger? other siblings? mom and dad at home? not really knowing all the circumstances it's hard to really give to much advise so sorry if this is useless.... my kid i would make sure he's got lots of variety of things to play with in general. have the girl dress up stuff but also have the cowboy outfit and what not. don't separate boy/girl... just have a place where any of the kids can dress up. one of my boys decided he wanted to paint his nails when his sister started painting hers. i did tell him no that nail polish was for girls. but i didn't make a fuss and didn't freak when he got into it anyway. lol my husband is very typical guy and doesn't handle it well when the kids to things that are not "gender appropriate". so it's probably a good thing i'm the one at home. lol if it's really bothering you have themed dress up days, everyone is dressing up like a cowboy today, not princesses. get the girls to dress up too then it's not a gender thing, just trying something new. one thing we've been trying to do more of in our house is mother/daughter; father/son; mother/son; father/daughter time. wow that's a lot to write. but basically we plan time when it's just the boys and they go to a football game or something the girls don't want to do, and time when it's just the girls and we can do all the princess dress up stuff. then we have time when it's mom and the boys and we'll bake cookies; when the boys can do things "less macho". the girls can go and play soccer with dad or whatever. we don't have a perfect system but trying to keep things balanced.... i tend to get frustrated with strong gender stereotypes.

[Just_A_Guy]

I agree 100% with Mightynancy. Wouldn't hurt to check with a child psychologist or something; but it strikes me that whether this behavior is just a phase or an indicator of future gay tendencies--the best thing you can do right now is just keep loving your boy.

[theoriginalavatar]

It seems that he isn't distressed by his behavior - and there's nothing technically wrong with it.

Are you worried that he will turn out to be gay? Or are you worried about how other boys will treat him? If it's the former, there's not much you can do (I'm sure some will disagree). If it's the latter, you'll want to arm him with confidence. If he does get picked on, you can talk with him about either adapting his behavior or learning how to deal with bullying in some other way.

To be honest, it is both. My brother is gay, and he has NOT had a happy life because of it. There are a lot of variables that have contributed to this, but he really hasn't. I am worried about how people will treat and engage with my son if this behavior continues. I am his father, and of course I want him to be happy and I want to protect him from all the bullies and bad guys. I know that I cannot control the world, but I was curious to see what other people's thoughts and feelings are.

Thank you for your comments.

[theoriginalavatar]

i wouldn't worry to much about it. is his sister older or younger? other siblings? mom and dad at home? not really knowing all the circumstances it's hard to really give to much advise so sorry if this is useless.... my kid i would make sure he's got lots of variety of things to play with in general. have the girl dress up stuff but also have the cowboy outfit and what not. don't separate boy/girl... just have a place where any of the kids can dress up. one of my boys decided he wanted to paint his nails when his sister started painting hers. i did tell him no that nail polish was for girls. but i didn't make a fuss and didn't freak when he got into it anyway. lol my husband is very typical guy and doesn't handle it well when the kids to things that are not "gender appropriate". so it's probably a good thing i'm the one at home. lol if it's really bothering you have themed dress up days, everyone is dressing up like a cowboy today, not princesses. get the girls to dress up too then it's not a gender thing, just trying something new. one thing we've been trying to do more of in our house is mother/daughter; father/son; mother/son; father/daughter time. wow that's a lot to write. but basically we plan time when it's just the boys and they go to a football game or something the girls don't want to do, and time when it's just the girls and we can do all the princess dress up stuff. then we have time when it's mom and the boys and we'll bake cookies; when the boys can do things "less macho". the girls can go and play soccer with dad or whatever. we don't have a perfect system but trying to keep things balanced.... i tend to get frustrated with strong gender stereotypes.

Thank you very much. My wife stays home with our two children. My daughter is almost 8. I just don't want him to get hurt.

[theoriginalavatar]

I agree 100% with Mightynancy. Wouldn't hurt to check with a child psychologist or something; but it strikes me that whether this behavior is just a phase or an indicator of future gay tendencies--the best thing you can do right now is just keep loving your boy.

Thank you very much. I certainly will keep loving him. That, I know, will never change.

[pam]

It's so hard to tell where their tendencies might lie at that age. I have twin boys who are 18. Polar opposites of each other. One loved trucks, sports, anything "boyish" The other, had a more sensitive or tender side..Announced when he was 6 he wanted his room decorated in flowers. Of course my ex said at the time..no son of mine will have a bedroom decorated in flowers.

Fast foward to now. The one that was all boy...announced he is gay. The other that had tendency to what we would consider "girly" is all boy but yet has the most compassionate heart, loves hanging out with me, has awesome ideas for decorating, is thinking of joining the military.

So it's really hard to say at that age what will happen. All I can suggest is letting them be themselves.

[theoriginalavatar]

It's so hard to tell where their tendencies might lie at that age. I have twin boys who are 18. Polar opposites of each other. One loved trucks, sports, anything "boyish" The other, had a more sensitive or tender side..Announced when he was 6 he wanted his room decorated in flowers. Of course my ex said at the time..no son of mine will have a bedroom decorated in flowers.

Fast foward to now. The one that was all boy...announced he is gay. The other that had tendency to what we would consider "girly" is all boy but yet has the most compassionate heart, loves hanging out with me, has awesome ideas for decorating, is thinking of joining the military.

So it's really hard to say at that age what will happen. All I can suggest is letting them be themselves.

Thank you for sharing those experiences. I had to laugh when you spoke about your son wanting to decorate his room in flowers. I forgot to mention it, but my son LOVES flowers. He picks them when we walk to the bus stop nearly every day in the summer and brings them to his mother.

[Vort]

I wouldn't worry about playing with dolls and dress-up at five. At ten -- maybe so.

[Guest]

My 2 sons love playing dress-up. But, since I don't have daughters, they get to dress up in Power Rangers outfits, Star Wars stuff complete with blasters and light sabers, etc. etc. I'm pretty sure if there were princess dresses around they'd dress up in them too. Of course now, the older son is already 8 and he now segregates by gender (I think he started doing that when he was 6) so he says, "eeewww" to girl things now. His younger brother just follows suit.

But then ever since they were little kids I've always told them I'm a girl and I don't play with boy stuff - like when they want to wrestle with me - a game that I refuse to play because I always end up with bruises! Their dad is just as happy to roll on the ground with them and get beat up. So, at an early age, they learned there's a difference between girls and boys. But then, I probably just have hetero-sexual kids that's why I don't notice anything "out-of-the-norm".

P.S.

I have a 5-year-old niece who is the only girl - she has 2 brothers. And she plays with boy stuff because that's what her brothers want to play with. I give her princess stuff (to satisfy my need for girl things) and we would play girlie things together and she loves to do it with me. But when I leave, she's back to being one-of-the-guys.

Edited December 26, 2009 by anatess

[OmahaLDS]

Normalcy is an illusion. Let your son play as he sees fit.

[talisyn]

If you look at children's clothing, a side-by-side comparison, girls clothes win hands down. Girl stuff is all sparkly and pretty. Boy stuff is pretty bland.

If it helps, Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren are straight fashion designers, as are Tom Ford and Isaac Mizrahi. Let's see..who else...Giles Deacon, Oscar De La Renta...I bet there are tons more.

[Moksha]

One of my childhood friends used to dress up (back before almost all of you were born and at a time of more rigid social conformity). He would dress up and parade up and down the street. This dressing up was of consternation to his very religious family. He suffered a lot of ridicule from the other children. I remember hearing gossip from the other children's parents. My mother (much to her credit) thought this was no big deal, but I remember my father telling me to not ever play dress up with him. I wasn't about to since I thought it was a dumb thing to do.

Fast forward a number of years and he was a BYU graduate with a wife and a kid but never-the-less had a real closet problem. Eventually he committed suicide from depression brought on by this unresolved conflict.

What Moksha gained as a moral from this tragedy: If children are different, it is good to let them know they are still acceptable and loved even though they are different. Consequences can arise down the road from nonacceptance.

Hope this helps.

:)

[Zechariah]

I forgot to mention it, but my son LOVES flowers. He picks them when we walk to the bus stop nearly every day in the summer and brings them to his mother.

This made me chuckle, only because I'd probably worry my 5 year old boy might turn out to be a sociopath, if he didn't love to pick flowers and give them to his mother.

Anyway, sometimes I think parents worry too much as it is, but I think the world we live in now, doesn't help with that either. Seems we're bombarded with so many stereotypes via the media, we almost can't help it anymore.

One example is some friends of ours had a son that began showing an interest in interior design at about age 13. His mother was especially worried, though I couldn't help wonder if her fears had something to do with the interior design shows she loved to watch tending to feature so many gay guys, that she was having trouble separating the two.

Another friend has a teenage son who prefers to use his mother's "feminine" scented soaps, instead of the "guy" smelling stuff she buys him. I told her not to worry, that she might be looking at it backwards. I happen to prefer the flower and fruit scents myself. Makes me think of lovely things, like my wife. I have no interest in that overpowering smelly guy stuff. Guy scents don't do a thing for me, and since my wife doesn't like them either, there's no point.

As for the princess pictures, I'd be interested in what he finds fascinating about them. While one child might draw what he self identifies with, another might draw things he finds especially beautiful or intriguing. Have you asked him to tell you about the pictures he draws? Whatever the case, I don't think I'd do anything to curtail his play or artistry. I'd just provide him the means to explore his interests and stimulate his talents.

There's probably much we'll never understand about why children do some of the things they do. My wife always hated dolls. She loved stuffed animals instead. But then, now that I think of it, maybe that had something to do with why we make such a good pair. When I was little and would play house in kindergarten, I wasn't interested in being any of the people in the family. I always wanted to be the family's pet dog. Hmmm... wonder what that could have meant?

[pam]

Zechariah I think you hit one of the things I've always thought about. I think we as a society have so mandated what we think boys and girls respectively should play with that we have a hard time when our own plays with the oppositive of what we perceive as normal for their gender.

[MorningStar]

I wouldn't worry unless he's singing Barbara Streisand. Seriously, don't worry. :) My sons haven't gone through those stages, but they do pick flowers for me and my son will noticed beautiful things he wants me to wear like sparkly hair clips and shiny lip gloss. He'll beg me to buy them and use them. So cute. Another friend's son is 5 and he likes to wear leotards and tutus. But he is interested in boy stuff too.

My daughter who is 15 months old is into playing with cars right now. That's not concerning to me either.

[pam]

There is a story I posted awhile back about some boys who went each day and played with a 4 year old girl who had been injured and was confined to her home. They even 'fessed' up to play princess with her. Did we ever worry when reading this story that these boys might not grow up to be manly? No, we thought what sweet boys they are for doing something like this. They never gave it another thought either because they were doing something out of compassion.

I think we get too carried away sometimes worrying about things like this.

[RachelleDrew]

My son would much rather play with my jewelry than with his many trucks or in the mud.

I've been told by his psychologist grandmother that to try and push a child into the stereotype of what their gender "should" play with could make matters worse. It seems you are best off allowing him to play with what he likes, and when he finds a masculine activity make certain to really encourage him in it.

If he turns out to be gay...it won't have anything to do with dressing up like a girl when he was in preschool. Trust me on this one.

[Dravin]

If he turns out to be gay...it won't have anything to do with dressing up like a girl when he was in preschool. Trust me on this one.

That's what was going through my head on reading the OP. Though from the reverse perspective, forcing him to go all Tonka all the time isn't going to snap him into straightness if homosexuality is a burden he's going to be struggling with later in life.

[Elgama]

och its normal, girls clothes are pretty and sparkly - my 3 year old wanted a doll for Christmas and thats what he got - his favourite colour is pink. he is very much a little boy in most ways lol To be honest any male who is uptight about his son being this way I do wonder if they are in the closet themselves. I want my son to be a good father so practising with doll is good, I want him to like pretty things etc

[JohnnyRudick]

As I read these posts I think how complex people are.

As a child I was very tender hearted, loved flowers and beautiful sunsets.

Even liked to mess with dressing up girls hair.

I loved playing in the dirt with sticks and ricks as cars and trucks,

making roads and bridges ti drive on.

As a teen I was a skirt chaser extraordinaire:)

People are very complex.

If I had been pushed into playing in the mud and the dirt

when I wanted to go pick flowers I may have bulked and only

picked flowers;)

Just the kind of guy I am:)

Not that that would do anything to change my gender perspective

I just say that to point out how you can change the direction in the way a child can go for good or for bad.

Not that I see any thing wrong with either flowers or dirt and mud:)

Bro. Rudick

[ADoyle90815]

I know that when I was growing up, I went through a tomboy stage and played with some of my brother's toys, and loved to play in the mud. I'm no lesbian as I wasn't born that way. My brother played with some of my dolls, and he's not only straight, he's married and has a daughter. I do have a cousin who was born gay, and he played with all boy stuff growing up. My family still loves him unconditionally, as that's how it should be.

[annamaureen]

When my little brother was about five, he used to love dressing up in my sparkly ballet costumes. One year he asked for a babydoll for Christmas, and my parents got one and he often played with it. He's seventeen now, and is obsessed with war and weapons and wants to be a Marine. Obviously the "girly" stuff didn't affect him!

[JohnnyRudick]

I have known a few "girls" - "obsessed with war and weapons"

and a lot of guys who I feel are "real men" who could care less

for either of them -

But I do know what you are saying.

Thanks:)