taking away self bought items ?

[lizzy12]

I am not a parent however I would love others parents views on this subject.

I bought my own laptop that i take care of and basically protect with my life. A few days ago, I my mom asked me to do the dishes and vacuum while she went out shopping. I vacuumed and studied for my AP World History test. The next day I cam home from school to find my laptop- the one I paid for with my own money- stolen..or as she puts it " taken away." She hid it ( i found it that day by accident...not a very good spot) and tried to use it a a bribe. I took it back and put it in my own hiding spot.

Frankly this tactic disgust me. If she has a problem wouldn't be better to discus it then acting like a 5 yr old and trying to bribe me to get what she wants ? I don't regret not doing the dishes- I needed to study.

My laptop. Mine. I paid for it. If shes going to bribe me should could have used something else....but frankly my parents don't buy me things they can use as a bribe...I guess they could bribe me with dinner or laundry privileges but frankly that's also stupid.

I am so angry.

[pam]

I don't regret not doing the dishes

There's the problem right there. It doesn't bother you at all that you didn't do something your mom asked of you. I'm a parent. How old are you 15? Whether you buy yourself something or not..your parents have that right. You live in their house, they pay for your support. As a parent, I'm pretty sure this is not the first time your mom has asked you to do something and you have failed to do it. Sometimes, we as parents, have to do things or take away things that would be a wake up call. Something you treasure. If it had been something else would it have had the same impact? Sounds like not.

The fact that you went looking for it and took it back and hid it yourself...aren't you doing the same thing you are accusing your mother of? Of being childish instead of talking about it and coming to some kind of solution?

[RachelleDrew]

Doing the dishes takes 15 minutes max, I don't care how many dishes you have to do. "Frankly" you had plenty of time to both study and do the chores your mother requested you to do. Vacuuming and dish washing are not particularly taxing chores.

You won't find any sympathy here. My parents probably would have beaten me up and down the block had I disrespected them by ignoring their punishment in the manner in which you did.

I bought my own car at 16, but you can bet when I acted like a brat my father took away the keys IN ADDITION to other various punishments. Ownership of said item is "frankly" inconsequential, because you are a child and you misbehaved.

I would certainly hope you would apologize to your mother for your audacity.

[miztrniceguy]

I'm a dad...no sympathy from me, sorry.

[lizzy12]

i wasn't looking for sympathy. And when i tried talking about this they ignored me. Before i even got my laptop we had a discussion about how because i bought it no one else can use it or touch it w.o my permission.

[Lbybug]

hmm...maybe she should have just taken the power cord away for it. that way you couldn't use the electricity SHE pays for....

[pam]

In your "attempt" to talk to them..Was it with yelling and accusations that someone "touched your stuff?" That they had no right to take it from you?

Remember, I have teenagers and I was a teenager once (contrary to what many here may believe). I know how those "attempts" play out.

[john doe]

Who pays for the roof over your head and the food you eat? The way I look at it a parent has the right to control the possessions of their minor children as long as the parent is paying for the support of that child. When you start paying your share of the rent, and insurance, and food, and buying all your clothes, and transportation costs, and all school and activity expenses, then you can expect to have some sense of ownership over those things. As you get older and start picking up more of the tab for your care, raising, and housing, and transport, you will be given more latitude and freedom to do what you want. But you need to show your parents your are mature enough to handle those extra freedoms and responsibilities as well. Refusing to do a simple thing like doing dishes when asked does not go too far in making them think you are ready for more freedoms.

[georgia2]

did she take it because she thinks you waste time on it like going to facebook, playing games, email?

Most parents think these things are recreation and not very important. So if you do these things, then she would think you were doing those things instead of doing the small chores she asked for.

If you only use your computer for studying and or researching your genealogy she probably wouldn't look at it the same way.

[NeuroTypical]

Lizzy, there's a surefire way to make sure your stuff gets respected.

Move out and pay your own way in life.

Until that day, you're a dependent child, and even though thats stinks to high heaven, it's reality.

LM

(I think if you post this same problem in the youth thread you might get more sympathy...)

[Dravin]

Who pays for the roof over your head and the food you eat?

I was gonna make a comment about who's electricity is most likely stored in the battery (on review it looks like Ldybug made this point), and who's internet she was most likely using, who's chair or table she's most likely sitting at or on (when using that laptop at home). The funny thing is parents have a right to decide what exists in the house, if they really want to press the issue they can tell her she's got to get rid of it. I suppose they could just chuck it, but my personal inclination (if I felt it needed to be gone) would be telling her to ditch as she's lost the privilege as a child of owning a laptop. Don't obey = consequences, generally in the form of lost privileges.

If she has a problem wouldn't be better to discus it then acting like a 5 yr old and trying to bribe me to get what she wants ?

I took it back and put it in my own hiding spot.

Why shouldn't she? If the shoe fits wear it. The more responsible and obedient you are the more likely they are to treat you as an adolescent (more adult like but not an actual adult), however the more you act like a child, the less responsible you are and the more disobedient you are the more likely they are to treat you as a child.

Quite frankly your posts here haven't indicated they shouldn't treat you like a child as that seems to be what your attitude and behavior indicate. Tis amusing, you demand respect while refusing to give it to your parents of all people.

P.S. It isn't called a bribe, it's called a consequence.

Edited January 16, 2010 by Dravin

[Bini]

I'm with everyone else on this.

Chores like vacuuming and washing the dishes is hardly strenuous. Sure it's a major inconvenience when you're a teenager and you've got places to go and things to do.. But a couple daily house chores are nothing in comparison to the responsibilities mums and dads have of supporting and raising a family. Try doing these chores without your parents begging and pleading, and see how much easier and less stressful it makes everyone in the household. You're apart of the family, everyone chips in and no, it's not always equally fair but until you're 18 and out on your own—they are in charge :]

[Elgama]

You should have done your chores, personally I'd have removed it as part of the payment for treating me like a hotel and not sharing in the dishes. My family have finally got the message as Mum has refused to do dishes for 3 days kitchen stinks and no dishes to use.

[coral]

I'm not really sure what to put here that wont offend you but i guess it should be said (my opinion)

im a mother of two, and their studies are very importent to me, but saying that, getting my children to help around the house doing the odd jobs only takes a little time out of their day.

as a teenager your old enough to understand what your parents have done for you all your life and will always do for you. doing the dishes is nothing compared to what a parent gives their child. and as a parent... parents have the right to use some form of punishment if their child disobays or disrespects them.

[Loving_Wife]

My laptop. Mine. I paid for it.

I am the type of mom, if my child said that to me, I would point out that the elecricity that you use to charge and power up said laptop, I pay for.

If you want to be treated more like an adult, then act more like an adult. Rather than searching for something that was taken away I would have talked to her. Making excuses, at least with me, does not go far but having a child come to me with a reason and offering to do another chore and or something to make up for the chore not done would have went a lot farther than what you did do.

I tell my children all the time the law says I have to provide a bed, food and clothing however the law does not say it cannot be a cot, or clothes from the salvation army and for food all I have to provide is the basics. I tell my children if they don't like it they can go live somewhere else.

I have to wonder if you realize just how childish, but more importantly how disrespectful, your actions where

[Guest Alana]

Even if you bought it with your money you're parents have the right to take it away and restrict your use of it. You're parents aren't perfect, none are, and their tactics may have obvious flaws, especially to a teenager, but you still need to respect it, even if you don't agree with it.

As far as dishes go, when I look back to high school, I did very good. I took really hard classes (AP world history included) and I realize now that the time and importance I gave to school wasn't balance. Yes school is important, but if you don't have time to help out with your family life, or hang out with friends occasionally, then you're putting too much importance in one thing. You do have a responsibility to your family, it's different because you're a teenager, but it is there. What happens when we get married and have kids, if we put the same emphasis on one thing, our lives would fall apart because either we'd be neglecting our kids, our husbands, ourselves, our church callings, our homes, etc.

So yes, your mothers method may not be perfect, but if she wants to take away something you bought because you didn't do what she asked, then she has every right. I find it interesting that it's so obvious to anyone else reading this story, an outsiders view, but to you who is caught up in the situation and so angry about it (promise that's not the Holy Ghost inciting you to a righteous anger) it's hard to see clearly.

[talisyn]

Kudos, lizzy12, for buying a laptop with your own money. That shows good judgement. Too bad that judgement didn't carry over into chores

You and your mom need to sit down and write out what you do per week/per day. This includes all homework, after school activities, and yes chores. If you don't have regular chores (like dishes every Tues and Thurs) ask your mom if you can have regular chores. Doesn't sound pleasant, but wait! If you have a set list of chores to do each week you can plan your time accordingly. You can also use this to negotiate a higher allowance! Accomplishing set tasks will show you to be mature and capable of responsibility. This is basically how the real (adult) world of jobs work. Respectful communication is key when talking to parents, especially at your age. Your mom was young once (really) and she knows what it's like to have a lot of stuff to do. Good Luck!

[WillowTheWhisp]

I am not a parent however I would love others parents views on this subject.

I bought my own laptop that i take care of and basically protect with my life. A few days ago, I my mom asked me to do the dishes and vacuum while she went out shopping. I vacuumed and studied for my AP World History test. The next day I cam home from school to find my laptop- the one I paid for with my own money- stolen..or as she puts it " taken away." She hid it ( i found it that day by accident...not a very good spot) and tried to use it a a bribe. I took it back and put it in my own hiding spot.

Frankly this tactic disgust me. If she has a problem wouldn't be better to discus it then acting like a 5 yr old and trying to bribe me to get what she wants ? I don't regret not doing the dishes- I needed to study.

My laptop. Mine. I paid for it. If shes going to bribe me should could have used something else....but frankly my parents don't buy me things they can use as a bribe...I guess they could bribe me with dinner or laundry privileges but frankly that's also stupid.

I am so angry.

Lizzy, I cannot help wondering why you left your studying til the last minute. Yes you need to study for tests but tests are supposed to be an assessment of what you have learned and anything that you just cram at the last minute for a test you will probably have forgotten as soon as the test is over. This does you no earthly good at all in the long run. Your time would have been far better spent doing those dishes. What about other times when you could have been studying? What were you doing then? Do you listen to music whilst doing your chores? How about some audio aids to learning and kill two birds with one stone?

I really do not think your mother was asking too much of you and find myself wondering if she had already tried being reasonable with you in the past and got nowhere. As a mother I tend to resort to things like confiscation of a laptop when other reasonable debate and discussion has failed. Actions often speak louder than words and have more impact on a teenager with selective deafness. I would probably have done the same as your mother and said "You can have it back when you start pulling your weight around here."

I have 2 teenage daughters but I also remember being a teenager myself.

[pam]

You can also use this to negotiate a higher allowance!

Assuming she gets an allowance, is this something that we would want to be teaching or advising here? As a parent, I certainly wouldn't want my teenager coming to me saying..well mom..the adults on lds.net said I should do this to negotiate a higher allowance. At that point I would be more inclined to not allow my child access at all to that particular site.

[sleepless3977]

having only read one side of the story, coz there are always two, i can only comment on what i have read. I think what is missing here is mutual respect.

I agree with what most other people have said, and i must re-iterate that a future bribe probably was not the intent of taking your laptop, more a consequence to your inaction in honoring your mother in doing the dishes as asked.

[talisyn]

Assuming she gets an allowance, is this something that we would want to be teaching or advising here? As a parent, I certainly wouldn't want my teenager coming to me saying..well mom..the adults on lds.net said I should do this to negotiate a higher allowance. At that point I would be more inclined to not allow my child access at all to that particular site.

I understand what you're saying Pam, and I agree. What I was trying to get across is that when kids show they are capable of greater responsibility they tend to get greater rewards. I reward my pre-teen daughter when she has shown she'll do her chores for a sustained amount of time. I figure yes, she needs to do these things for the benefit of the family, and yes, these will build character and give her a good foundation for when she goes out on her own. But like my job where I get a base wage I also get bonuses for consistent quality and safety, things I do anyways but over a long stretch of time (quarterly in my case). I also wouldn't want my daughter to tell me to raise her allowance because a bunch of people here told her to, but if she approached me in a respectful manner and listed her actions of the past year with a request (be it higher allowance, different curfew, etc.) I would be more inclined to listen.

[pam]

I'm glad you clarified it Talisyn. After all, we are dealing with a 15 year old child here. You sometimes have to make things very specific. lol

[MorningStar]

A better approach would have been, "Mom, I want to help out, but I have this test to study for. How about I do the vacuuming and I'll do extra dishes for you after my test?"

Flat out not doing it was the wrong choice.

Dr. Phil says to find your child's "currency" - take away something important to them when they misbehave. Sounds like your laptop is your currency. My boys' currency is Xbox time. Don't let this come between you and your mom. Communicate your feelings next time. :)

[unixknight]

No offense, but I'm sure glad some of you guys weren't my parents.

I have 4 kids, of which two are teenagers. One is 16 one is 14, so I'm not talking out of my backside when I say this.

I don't think you guys realize how harsh you're coming across, nor do I think you mean to. This person posted, looking for someone to vent to, and get a little useful feedback and the majority of what I've seen are snarky comments about her use of electricity and some fairly useless replies of "Well I'm a parent so you get no sympathy from me."

If I were the OP I'd think twice about posting here again.

Mind you, I'm not defending the refusal to do the dishes, or the attitude of not regretting it, but obviously there's some kind of breakdown in communication between this person and her parents. Either she failed to tell them she had this test to study for (School is the highest priority in my house) or they failed to listen. We have no way to know fir sure which.

The simple fact is she feels violated, and the bond of trust has been affected now between her and her parents. If you guys are okay with that then I don't know what to tell you, but when I need to punish my kids I at least do so openly and clearly. I don't go into their room and take things form them when they're out no matter who bought the items in the first place. if this person was my daughter and I felt it necessary to punish her by taking the computer, I'd go into her room while she was there and tell her to hand it over, and I'd tell her exactly why and how long it would be gone.

I don't know where I stand on the issue of whether it's a good idea to confiscate items like this that the child worked for on their own. Frankly, in this case it's irrelevant. The primary issue to me in this one seems to be that the parents took the computer when she wasn't around, and didn't tell her they were doing it. That's sneaky and it doesn't promote trust and communication.

I'm also confused as to why anybody reacts with surprise that she seemed to have waited until the last minute to study for the test. This is what high school kids do, folks. If your kids are better about procrastinating than that good for you, but I think it's safe to conclude the studying was possibly an excuse to get out of dishes. Again, that's a separate issue.

The parents dropped the ball here, folks. I'm not saying lizzy didn't mess up here or that there shouldn't be a penalty for not doing all the chores, but it doesn't seem to me like too many people here are listening very well. No offense.

[Loving_Wife]

As one who posted about the electricty I was not snarky. I stated a simple truth. Not only do I pay the electricty but I also am responsible for what my minor children do whether that is online, or in life.

I have five teenage children in my home 17, 16 and three 13-year-olds. Every single one of them knows that at any time I will take away anything they have have, whether that be something I have bought for them, others have bought for them or they have bought for themselves.

If I choose to take something away there is no discussion. Consequences for not following the house rules are not up for debate.

Rarely do people tell the whole truth and in this situation we are only "hearing" one side. The side of a teenage girl who is angry because she did not follow the house rules and the consequence for that was lose of her computer.

We do not know if she had been warned before that this would be the consequence for disregard of the house rules. Who are we to judge how her parents parent. Parenting a teenager in todays world is difficult at best.

To me the bottom line is she is angry over the consequences of her own actions, period! Had she followed the house rules and done her chores like she was suppose to she would not have lost the computer to begin with.

Education is important in my house as well. That being said school, tests or anything related to school are not a viable excuse in my house for not doing chores.

The OP herself stated "I am not a parent however I would love others parents views on this subject."

I think, however I could be wrong, that she knew that most parents were not going to agree with her. It also gives her an idea of how other parents would react and think about her actions. Who knows she might even have a new appreciation for the parents she does have!

Edited January 19, 2010 by Loving_Wife
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