Contacting an ex

[Dreamer3]

I have been happily married in the Temple for 3 years. My husband is really one of the kindest guys there is. I love him dearly, but also recognize that I married him for practical reasons. I knew he would be able to provide for me and a future family in addition to being a strong Priesthood leader.

Before we got married, I dated a guy for almost 2 years. I was head over heels in love with him, but sent him off on a mission. He was a good guy, but education was not as important to him as it was for me. I had doubts about his ability to be a leader and provider, despite how much I loved him. When he was gone, I realized that he may not be the best guy for me. I slowly let our contact die and I married while he was gone. We never had real closure. No Dear John letter was sent. We haven't seen or spoken to each other since.

I have no doubt that my husband is the better guy for me, even though I may not have been as crazy in love with him. But lately my ex-boyfriend has just been on my mind and showing up in dreams, as he has from time to time throughout the past few years. He isn't married, and I have strong desire to contact him and let him know that I hope he is happy in life. I have no intention of rekindling anything or reliving the past. I guess I am really just seeking closure. I know that I really broke his heart and I want him to know that I didn't do it because I just didn't care about him. Is this a bad idea?

[MarginOfError]

Yup. Closure is over rated. There's no sense in going back and reopening old wounds.

Keep in mind also that when people make contact after a prolonged absence, their first inclination is to revert back to behaving the way they behaved in the relationship when they last had contact. I'm not suggesting that anything inappropriate will happen, but you'll find that your natural tendency will be to talk to him like he's a boyfriend, and you'll have to fight that inclination.

But like I said, closure is over rated.

[rameumptom]

Write the letter and then burn it. Let the smoke send your message to your ex-BF. Sending him a letter at this point will not help anyone, especially you.

The closure is: you married someone else.

[Guest]

I agree with all of the above.

Closure should have happened when you got sealed at the Temple. I have a feeling that you're still harboring "what if..." notions and that's why you feel like you don't have closure. Time to root out that weed and throw it out before it overtakes the good things in your life.

And by the way - LOVE is not a feeling. It's a DECISION. So, you can't say you love the guy if you decided not to be with him. Get what I mean?

[beefche]

Bad idea. Bad, bad, bad idea. Don't contact him.

I wouldn't want contact from an ex if that ex were married to another. I've already gotten over it, with or without closure.

And I agree with MOE--closure is overated and a new modern thing. Your closure was when you married your husband.

[mrmarklin]

Closure is a psychobabble term. It will solve nothing.

[Gwen]

are you missing the head over heals "in love" feeling you had with him? would be an explanation of the dreams. you got married for practical reasons, if you are craving that "high" from being in love (honey moon is coming to an end) your mind will relate it to ppl you have felt that with (the ex), it's an expression of what you need/want. nothing to do with the ex. don't take the risk by contacting him, find a way to spice things up with hubby. could be a fun adventure for both of you.

[Soulsearcher]

Take it from someone who always needs to make that contact and try for closure. It never goes well, never goes where you want it to go and it makes a mess in someway. Just don't do it.

[Bini]

I repeat what everyone else has said: DO NOT CONTACT HIM!

[slamjet]

No, please contact him so you can revive and relive the past, ruin the trust your husband has in you, put yourself in a position to be questioned as to what your motives are, open yourself up to an easy road of infidelity.

Plus, what person in their right mind would want a person who would throw away a marriage because they can't "get over it?" It just signals that it will happen again and again.

It's obvious the reason you lack love for your current husband is because you refuse to allow that love in. You're still looking at someone else. How selfish. You committed to your husband who by what you said here is a good man. make it work.

So grow up and cut off any and all past relationships with boyfriends, past dates, etc. Unless you want to come back crying and asking why your husband doesn't trust you and why your marriage fell apart.

[Suzie]

I don't think Dreamer3 needs closure. I think she is probably fantasying about "what could have been" and let's face it, when a spouse is thinking this way the marriage is NOT in good shape as they are making it to be maybe due to stress, marital issues, etc. Dangerous game to play specially if you are vulnerable.

[bytor2112]

I don't think Dreamer3 needs closure. I think she is probably fantasying about "what could have been" and let's face it, when a spouse is thinking this way the marriage is NOT in good shape as they are making it to be maybe due to stress, marital issues, etc. Dangerous game to play specially if you are vulnerable.

Or what might be.....

[Gwen]

so far it doesn't sound like fantasizing about anything. she sounds very consciously committed to her husband. she's having some dreams, which few of us can control. the issue is will she dwell on those dreams and assume they mean something they don't. right now she thinks it means closure. some of you are assuming it means lack of commitment to her husband, regrets, etc. that's not necessarily true either. though i'm no expert the most common meaning to that kind of dream is desire for what that person represents, not the person. in this case she already said what he represents, passion. she was "in love" with him, she married her husband for practical reasons, they've been married 3 yrs (if i recall correctly from the op) that's a good time frame for the "high" of marriage to be gone and "reality" to be setting in. i don't see anything uncommon about this. i think she needs to see it for what it is, stop thinking about what was and think about ways to spice up her marriage.

planning weekly dates? weekends where you get out and do something physical together? this is the point in the marriage where you have to make the choice to have a mature love that you have to work at, it's not "natural" anymore. maybe it's a good time to read some books you may not have before, 5 love languages or something similar. maybe something less serious with ideas for dating your spouse. or it could be as simple as taking a weekend and doing some shopping together at victoria's secret. valentine's is coming up, have fun with it.

[Wingnut]

Interesting. I agree that in this particular case, the OP shouldn't contact the ex, and that "closure" is unnecessary and even dangerous territory to venture into, for her. I don't agree, however, with the idea that a married person should never, ever, ever have contact with an ex.

I have two exes with whom I am still very good friends, and I am also friends with their wives. Nobody has a problem with the friendships, including my own husband, and there's no temptation to do anything untoward. With one ex, we dated only briefly, but had very strong feelings. It was quickly apparent that there was no long-term future for us. Even after we "broke up," we remained close -- even best, for a time -- friends until I left on my mission. We are still friends, and his wife and I have become friendly as well. With the second, we dated for over a year, discussed marriage very seriously, and ended up with a very emotion and painful break. Several years later, his wife and I gradually fostered a friendship, and since then, my friendship and his has also been renewed.

It can happen, and it can work, but in my case, neither of these instances were started by any one of us contacting the other after marriage, seeking closure. Friendships happened, and we're all very aware and open with our own spouses.

[Guest]

Same here. My ex and my husband are good friends. No, I didn't "seek him out" for closure. We remained friends after we broke up and he became friends with my husband after I got married.

Completely different scenario.

[ryanh]

Dreamer3: Think about how it would be if the shoe was on the other foot. What if your husband was going to get together with an old fling that he still had very strong feelings for, wanted to "care for" and help out emotionally, and you knew he is/was more in love with her than he ever was with you? How would that make you feel? Would you want him to go through with such a meeting, or would you prefer that he cleave solely unto you and to none else, forgetting all past connections?

[Wingnut]

Dreamer3: Think about how it would be if the shoe was on the other foot. What if your husband was going to get together with an old fling that he still had very strong feelings for, wanted to "care for" and help out emotionally, and you knew he is/was more in love with her than he ever was with you? How would that make you feel? Would you want him to go through with such a meeting, or would you prefer that he cleave solely unto you and to none else, forgetting all past connections?

She said nothing about "getting together" with her ex...only contacting him.

[Bini]

Let's just all agree that each situation will be different. Having said that, the OP needs to ask herself WHY she wishes to contact her ex. Yes, there's always exceptions (Wingnut & Anatess are two of them) but be very careful contacting an old flame if you're not really sure why you're doing it. Is just needing "closure" a good enough reason? If so, why? I think remaining friends with an ex and then marrying (or remarrying) is quite a different situation than having zero contact with an ex for X amount of years, getting married and then contacting him out of the blue.. You may not have intentions of rekindling anything but he may. Why go there?

Before I married my husband, there were other men that I had been in serious relationships with. I wouldn't say that I had closure with every single one of them. There were a couple of them that just ended, abruptly. Have I wondered what has become of them? Sure, it's crossed my mind. Has there been apart of me that wanted to show them how wonderful my life has turned out? Sure. But in the end, I just don't have a desire to go back to or relive could-have-should-have-would-haves.

[sweetiepie]

No, no, no! It will open a box that needs to stay closed.

[AGStacker]

I have been happily married in the Temple for 3 years. My husband is really one of the kindest guys there is. I love him dearly, but also recognize that I married him for practical reasons. I knew he would be able to provide for me and a future family in addition to being a strong Priesthood leader.

Before we got married, I dated a guy for almost 2 years. I was head over heels in love with him, but sent him off on a mission. He was a good guy, but education was not as important to him as it was for me. I had doubts about his ability to be a leader and provider, despite how much I loved him. When he was gone, I realized that he may not be the best guy for me. I slowly let our contact die and I married while he was gone. We never had real closure. No Dear John letter was sent. We haven't seen or spoken to each other since.

I have no doubt that my husband is the better guy for me, even though I may not have been as crazy in love with him. But lately my ex-boyfriend has just been on my mind and showing up in dreams, as he has from time to time throughout the past few years. He isn't married, and I have strong desire to contact him and let him know that I hope he is happy in life. I have no intention of rekindling anything or reliving the past. I guess I am really just seeking closure. I know that I really broke his heart and I want him to know that I didn't do it because I just didn't care about him. Is this a bad idea?

DO NOT CONTACT HIM! He isn't your husband and you have no promise to each other. This could turn into something bad and should be avoided. Focus on your family and forget him.

[rameumptom]

I agree. your ex is a big boy. He's probably over you by now. If not, then it is HIS problem. Your responsibility is to your husband. When you married your husband THAT was your closure.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

If you choose not to stay away, it could be a huge mess. Check this. Please read the following quotations, the first by President Kimball and the other by Elder Boyd K. Packer:

“‘Soul mates’ are a fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price” (“Marriage and Divorce,” p. 146).

“While I am sure some young couples have some special guidance in getting together, I do not believe in predestined love. If you desire the inspiration of the Lord in this crucial decision, you must live the standards of the Church, and you must pray constantly for the wisdom to recognize those qualities upon which a successful union may be based. You must do the choosing, rather than to seek for some one-and-only so-called soul mate, chosen for you by someone else and waiting for you. You are to do the choosing. You must be wise beyond your years and humbly prayerful unless you choose amiss” (Eternal Love [salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1973], p. 11).

[Guest Alana]

I think you love who/what you let yourself think about, where you let your mind dwell. You said he keeps coming to your mind, into your dreams. Seeking closure won't put those thoughts out of your head, it will only give you more thoughts to dwell on. My advice? Stop thinking about him. Every time ex pops into your head, think about something you love about your husband, what you're making for dinner, something nice to do for your husband, etc.

Sending him a 'closure letter' or something really won't bring closure. You making the effort to focus on the now, and your husband, will.

Edited March 3, 2011 by Alana

[LDSChristian]

I have been happily married in the Temple for 3 years. My husband is really one of the kindest guys there is. I love him dearly, but also recognize that I married him for practical reasons. I knew he would be able to provide for me and a future family in addition to being a strong Priesthood leader.

Before we got married, I dated a guy for almost 2 years. I was head over heels in love with him, but sent him off on a mission. He was a good guy, but education was not as important to him as it was for me. I had doubts about his ability to be a leader and provider, despite how much I loved him. When he was gone, I realized that he may not be the best guy for me. I slowly let our contact die and I married while he was gone. We never had real closure. No Dear John letter was sent. We haven't seen or spoken to each other since.

I have no doubt that my husband is the better guy for me, even though I may not have been as crazy in love with him. But lately my ex-boyfriend has just been on my mind and showing up in dreams, as he has from time to time throughout the past few years. He isn't married, and I have strong desire to contact him and let him know that I hope he is happy in life. I have no intention of rekindling anything or reliving the past. I guess I am really just seeking closure. I know that I really broke his heart and I want him to know that I didn't do it because I just didn't care about him. Is this a bad idea?

You got your closure when you got married. Just stop thinking about your ex. Yes, contacting him would be a bad idea. Ex = Exit out of life.

[LDSChristian]

I agree. your ex is a big boy. He's probably over you by now. If not, then it is HIS problem. Your responsibility is to your husband. When you married your husband THAT was your closure.

& I usually don't give this guy a "thanks".