Need advice to help my daughter...

[Guest mormonmusic]

I have a 12 year old daughter. She's very intelligent, kind-hearted, and, much to her chagrine, very short. She's in the 5th percentile in terms of height, meaning, in a group of 20 kids, she's the shortest one by a long shot. She is normal, however, in all other respects, and is in fact well-above average in her overall attractivness.

She came to me the other day frustrated. She told me that EVERY SINGLE DAY at school, she gets one to three comments from people such as "Boy, are you ever short!". "Hello short person!!!". Or, they walk over to try to pick her up because she's so short and light. One kid picked her up by the ears until she started screaming. She's been subject to bullying at Church as a result, but that is in the past.

Anyway, she came to me wondering what to do about the comments. We dealt with the bullying and that has stopped for now, but the comments are an ongoing concern, and the focus of this question.

I suggested she says something like "Yes, I know, I was hoping to get through the day without someone mentioning that. It would set a record".

However, were also concerned about kids her age, and even adults at times -- when they know something bugs you they intensify their comments to push your buttons. Or they follow up with "Boy, are you EVER sensitive about that!!!!".

I wonder if anyone has any advice for how to handle these kinds of annoyances for someone in my daughter's shoes.

[Jennarator]

It's near impossible to stop comments like that. I would work with her on tolerence.

Remind her that she is lucky that being short is her only problem. So many people have much more that they struggle with.

My daughter stuggles with being heavey, my son with anger issues from being abused as a baby by his father.

Your daughter is healthy and smart! Perhaps others are jelous.

But stopping the comments (I have a very short friend and she has tried her whole life to politly get people to stop commenting.)

[Dravin]

I recommend:

"When food prices skyrocket we'll see who has the last laugh."

[JudoMinja]

I agree with Jenn that stopping the comments is next to impossible. All you can do is work on her tolerance level. It is fairly common for short people to have a hard time when people comment on their height. The problem is, people find your annoyance amusing. If you've ever watched Full Metal Alchemist, the main character- Edward Elric- is a great example of this. He is basically a genius and has become famous for his alchemy abilities. However, he is also short and when people actually meet him this is the first thing they comment on. It annoys him to no end and he often loses his temper over it. This regular interaction (new person comments on Edward's height, Ed gets annoyed and loses his temper) is one of the comedic reliefs of the show.

I am short, too. I'm 5' 0" and going through school people were always making comments on my height and cracking short jokes. I found that when I appreciated the jokes for the actual humor in them and didn't let the comments bother me, that people tended to stop commenting on it. People just knew that my height didn't bother me, and if they had a good short joke it would just get me laughing with them.

[slamjet]

My one daughter had an issue simular to your daughter. She kind of withdrew into herself at school as a matter of survival but she still had some friends. But she came home and took her day out on her younger siblings. What helped was that she is naturally driven so she delved into her school work and also wanting to go into band and orchestra. They picked the clarinet for her to play and she took to it like a duck to water. She began to really flourish and break out of her shell because she had something that she was really good at and really enjoyed. Now she was invited into the HS band and orchestra with all kinds of letters of recommendation from her teachers, just about a straight "A" student, and winning a couple of little clarinet competitions.

About the only thing you can really do is to love them, listen to them scream and cry, and let them feel their way through the school problems. Unfortunately, this is an issue you have very little control over, nor can you fix.

I teased her one day and called her a "teachers pet." She looked at me and smiled and said "yea, but I got the grades and the recommendations." She's looking forward to HS.

[O2BNSD]

I have a 12 year old daughter. She's very intelligent, kind-hearted, and, much to her chagrine, very short. She's in the 5th percentile in terms of height, meaning, in a group of 20 kids, she's the shortest one by a long shot. She is normal, however, in all other respects, and is in fact well-above average in her overall attractivness.

She came to me the other day frustrated. She told me that EVERY SINGLE DAY at school, she gets one to three comments from people such as "Boy, are you ever short!". "Hello short person!!!". Or, they walk over to try to pick her up because she's so short and light. One kid picked her up by the ears until she started screaming. She's been subject to bullying at Church as a result, but that is in the past.

Anyway, she came to me wondering what to do about the comments. We dealt with the bullying and that has stopped for now, but the comments are an ongoing concern, and the focus of this question.

I suggested she says something like "Yes, I know, I was hoping to get through the day without someone mentioning that. It would set a record".

However, were also concerned about kids her age, and even adults at times -- when they know something bugs you they intensify their comments to push your buttons. Or they follow up with "Boy, are you EVER sensitive about that!!!!".

I wonder if anyone has any advice for how to handle these kinds of annoyances for someone in my daughter's shoes.

Like your daughter, I too was the shortest (& still am! Lol!), but my grandmother came up with a great come-back when people always commented about my shortness...."Great things come in small packages!". That did the trick for me.

[Gatekeeper]

It is sad that your daughter’s personal encounters with school peers have been nonsensical. Because of this unsympathetic behavior your child’s inner discernment and insight can not properly develop naturally for she is quashed by ridicule, fear, and disbelief.

In order to restore your daughter’s own sense of connection and closeness with the other children, she must rely on the understanding of wickedness, by remembering the spiritual power and image of Jesus, our Christ. She must allow herself to respond only to the essential presence of love and wholeness that Jesus embodies and brings.

The perception of children as the body develops is generally attached to and invested in ego and self-perception; the human body is spiritual but mystical. Your daughter is lovely. And children are attracted to natural beauty. Over time as she ponders the life of the Savior, the teasing and jeers will only teach her that spiritual vision inherent in wonder and innocence, to which we can add the vision rich in the Savior’s wisdom and experience (because he, too, endure mockery). No need to worry, all will be well in due time. Remember this, “For after much tribulations come the blessings.” Your family will be blessed with higher spiritual dimensions of forgiveness and unconditional, godly love for others.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I have tried to help her -- I have suggested she use the comments as a transitioning point to other comments. For example, if they say "Boy are you ever short!!!". She reframes the comment as an invitation to let people get to know her better, by saying "yes, and I really like to play the piano too --

what' s your favorite thing to do in your spare time?".

Honestly, I know we can't stop the comments -- as that will only draw more attention to the shortness and encourage the less kindly students to be even more annoying. However, if you have any one-liners to gently move the conversation into more positive arenas, or simply diffuse the annoying comments, your comments might be nice to pass on to her.

[JudoMinja]

Ahh, another quest for good transitional one-liners. Hmm... Now, I'm having a hard time remembering the kinds of things I would say in response to people calling me short. Usually, the comments would just roll over my shoulder and I wouldn't even notice. If it was a joke, I would laugh if it was funny or shrug and share a joke of my own if it wasn't so funny. Hmmm...

She could try something like "Well my dog/cat (if she has a pet) thinks I'm tall." ? Afterall, size is relative. She only seems short to them because they are taller than her.

[Guest mormonmusic]

As an aside (not to distract people willing to submit one-liners)...she came to me with this video which she said really touched her about height and other forms of discrimmination. It was kind of touching. She's mentioned it a couple times:

One of my goals is to help prevent a fixation with height, or to encourage thinking that nullifies a persecution complex.

[seeking_peace]

Since being short is an adjective and not a judgment, she should just acknowledge it--as if someone said, "water is wet."

My suggestion is, "You have an amazing ability to recognize the obvious."

I would be more concerned about the physical things, like people picking her up. It might not be a bad idea to get her teachers or the school administration involved by asking them to remind students to respect others' personal space. I'm sure it is against school behavioral policy.

[Dravin]

Since being short is an adjective and not a judgment, she should just acknowledge it--as if someone said, "water is wet."

My suggestion is, "You have an amazing ability to recognize the obvious."

I would be more concerned about the physical things, like people picking her up. It might not be a bad idea to get her teachers or the school administration involved by asking them to remind students to respect others' personal space. I'm sure it is against school behavioral policy.

The time honored, "Why thank you captain obvious." approach. Tis best combined with some other inane observation like, "Did you know water is wet?" (Which you kinda alluded too).

[Guest mormonmusic]

Here some more.....

Like I've never heard THAT before!

Oh, for a minute there you looked like you were going to say something profound -- my mistake!

Yes, I was also going to comment on your BIG NOSE, but I decided to be courteous and not mention it. Oops -- did I just say that out loud? (I'M JUST KIDDING ON THAT LAST ONE -- Mormonmusic)

Edited April 29, 2011 by mormonmusic

[Mute]

I have a 12 year old daughter. She's very intelligent, kind-hearted, and, much to her chagrine, very short. She's in the 5th percentile in terms of height, meaning, in a group of 20 kids, she's the shortest one by a long shot. She is normal, however, in all other respects, and is in fact well-above average in her overall attractivness.

She came to me the other day frustrated. She told me that EVERY SINGLE DAY at school, she gets one to three comments from people such as "Boy, are you ever short!". "Hello short person!!!". Or, they walk over to try to pick her up because she's so short and light. One kid picked her up by the ears until she started screaming. She's been subject to bullying at Church as a result, but that is in the past.

Anyway, she came to me wondering what to do about the comments. We dealt with the bullying and that has stopped for now, but the comments are an ongoing concern, and the focus of this question.

I suggested she says something like "Yes, I know, I was hoping to get through the day without someone mentioning that. It would set a record".

However, were also concerned about kids her age, and even adults at times -- when they know something bugs you they intensify their comments to push your buttons. Or they follow up with "Boy, are you EVER sensitive about that!!!!".

I wonder if anyone has any advice for how to handle these kinds of annoyances for someone in my daughter's shoes.

I found that hitting another student in grade school or physically fighting with them was a way to usually get someone to stop messing with me. I'm not sure if that is the way you want to go though but it does seem to work. People need to know when to quit and sometimes it takes a little more "persuasion" to get them to stop. Even if your daughter is smaller than them, I would bet they would stop the moment she jabbed them every time they said something. You just have to hit them hard enough that they realize you're going to seriously hurt them if they do it again. Anyways, ya probably not the best solution.

[LDSVALLEY]

I called out my 15 year old daughter who is in the same boat and asked her what she does about it.

She said mostly she simply ignores the comments and in her own mind has something happen to the person as a stress relief. (anvil fall on their head, trip over their big feet, run out of air at their level etc.)

She said it gives her a personal comeback without creating waves or causing harm to anyone.

She also said it does get easier as she gets older.

I've noticed a real change in the last couple of years, she took to wearing boots and shoes with thicker heels to give her a feeling of more height but mostly she decided to accept herself for who she is. I know at times the comments still bother her but once she started just being herself and not being concerned about her height that others started paying more attention to who she is and not how tall she is.

(One side effect of the short yet cute business that I don't care for as a Father is the boys have started paying attention to her this past year. I think it's the protective gene where the boys are drawn to her in part because she looks small and helpless.) (I've seen her kick with those heeled boots, let me tell you she could floor most of those guys in one kick!)

Hope it helps.

Maybe if your daughter talked directly to others with her issue it might help as well. While I haven't asked her, I don't believe my daughter would mind facebooking or even PM'ing through our login's if it would help.

[RadDad]

okay...i work in the health field...i see this every day. first problem is that mom is focusing on the problem. you need to realize what she has and not commiserate with her. when she complains that she is teased and says "such and such said i was short", you need to say, "well you are!"

my daughter always says "deal with it" sometimes she just says "3 words" and we realize what she means. i was 4'8" tall as a freshman in hs. my twin sister was 5'2". and i am male. i honestly do not remember THAT MANY people teasing me. i would bet there is some super exaggeration going on(yes, i mean on her part because she loves to blame the problems on them and it probably allows her to feel bad without owning her other problems.). and the boys who tease her probably like her and the others find her cute and the girls that tease her (again prob very few of them) might even be jealous.

the truth is that kids tease to get a reaction. if they were not then it would end. these kids see her every day. do you really think they forget she is short over night? she is over reacting and you need to get to the root of her frustration. my bet is that it has nothing to do with height. meanwhile, YOU need to change your attitude and not be an enabler.

rough? maybe, but it is the truth as i see it and i spend my days with parents that tell me how smart beautiful, ahead of the class and better than the other kids. most of these kids are underachievers and troubled. most of the time the parents are enablers. time to step up to the plate mom....your question is enablers 101....please do not further this path.

Edited May 1, 2011 by RadDad
didn't it made a new one...lol

[RadDad]

i have a grand daughter just a little younger who is not even on the charts. her mom (mrs. 3 words) tells her she is wonderful, etc and expects her to do her best...great kid. able to handle and just smiles the first 2 weeks o school till the kids realize they cannot rile her and go on to some other kid to pick on.

[speciallady2011]

I am sorry to hear of your daughter's difficulties and of course your difficulty at how to stop the comments.

Sadly the comments will probably continue but the way she handles them will make a big difference to her self esteem which is the most valued part.

My daughter has mild autism and severe learning disabilities and still gets comments. My job as her mom is to remind her of her value and to focus on her strengths and since she's 12 years old this is a daunting and difficult task but it is something we continue to do. I have cried for her....I know the pain of watching your child in pain.

As I remind her of her value to me and her family and those that work with her, she starts to change and her confidence grows.

Good luck I don't know if I helped at all, but I want you to know I am thinking of you and your daughter and I hope to hear good reports soon on how things got better.

[Idora]

Every time I state the obvious, my husband says,

"Thank you, Yoda."

Others I've heard: "Quality not quantity" "I'm not short, I'm fun-sized/vertically challenged/space efficient". Also, "I'll stand here and laugh while you get hit by lightning" (kidding on that last one)

I'm sorry to hear about the teasing. It's all about staying positive! Props to her for having a good attitude about it all.

[MrShorty]

As suggested by my username, I've "been there, done that." I wish I had some good advice. I know there was a time (about late elementary into Jr High, so about the same age as your daughter) where I took the teasing pretty personally. It seems my mom used to just tell me that that's the way I was (along with many in her family). I don't know your daughter, but I might suggest that part of the difficulty comes with the age.

I'm not sure how much of it was "conscious decision" and how much was pure luck, but I learned to accept myself as short, and even learned to take some pride in it. How many times did I climb into the back seat of a car with a bunch of other guys, and while they complained and bemoaned the lack of leg room, I could stretch out and be comfortable.

I'm not really sure how to teach it, but many of us short people learn certain truths about "body image" from being short that I hope your daughter learns. Learns to accept herself as she is, learns to recognize some of the advantages to being short, and to learn that, when it really counts in life, physical stature isn't important. ("Man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart" kind of stuff).

[skippy740]

"Boy are you ever short!"

Possible responses:

"Yep. By the way, how's the weather up there?"

"Yep. In fact, can you stand over here? You can block out the sun and provide me some shade for a while."

"Yep. Watch out for those birds flying overhead. They'll probably target you first."

"Yep. In fact, I can get child prices for movies. Wanna go out?" (Okay, maybe not...)

"Yep. You sure are quick today, aren't you."

"Yep. It's easier to kick you in the groin if you ever say that again."

"Yep. Somehow, the word "duh" comes to mind."

"Yep. And your point?"

"Yep. Wanna buy me a matching Miata?"

"Yep. At least MY IQ is higher than my height measured in inches."

Kids can be mean. You've just got to have some ways to handle the situation with "verbal judo". Some of these will cause them to feel stupd. Others will build more relationship. Others are sarcastic.

Learn to have fun with people! They'll either laugh WITH her, or at least respect her for saying something back that's clever.

Edited May 1, 2011 by skippy740

[JudoMinja]

Oh, for a minute there you looked like you were going to say something profound -- my mistake!

I like that one.

You could also try something like- "Am I? Thank you, Captain Obvious. I hadn't noticed. Yesterday, I was tall."

[Guest]

I'm short too! I'm 5'0, my husband is 6'2". My sister still teases me about that and I'm in my 40's! Of course, my sister is also 5'0, but her husband is only 5'8". They look perfect in her 3" heels.

Anyway, the one-liners are great... but, your daughter has to learn the holistic cure for bullying. OWN IT! I'm short and I LOVE IT! So that when my husband (then just a friend) teased me about my head being a perfect resting place for his elbow, I actually take it as a compliment (okay, so I had a major crush on him).

You gotta be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say - Yep, I like me. Just the way I am!

So that, when somebody calls me - "Short fry!", I can puff my chest up and respond, "And loving it!". No need to be snarky back!

Of course, there are those days when somebody just gets under your skin with the teasing (if it's not the height it will be something else!), I always have my special phrase memorized and ready: "How dare you insinuate that I can tolerate such a diabolical insolence from a scrap of humanity such as you!". I say it really fast and with a smile. It usually takes them a while to figure out what I said to make a comeback... at which time my temper is under control and I can follow up with "I'm just kidding...".

[prisonchaplain]

The one silver lining I can think of is that people will assume she is younger, and very very smart for her age. When they are tall, people sometimes assume the opposite.

[LDSVALLEY]

The only thing that bugs my eldest about her height at this point is that her 3 year younger Sister is now 2" taller and for the last two years people have been assuming they are twins!

It helps her that my wife is only 5 ft. My wife's cousin "brother" teases my wife all the time about being short (he's 5ft 4) D see's the interaction between them and between my wife and I (5'11") especially when I hit headfirst into something she can walk under! Or when she needs something high on a shelf and calls me over with a choice tall comment.

Witty comebacks are cute but can lead to increased teasing in the end Anatess is correct and Mormon Music's daughter needs to see the value within herself of who she is which is true of all of us no matter our height, width, weight or appearance.

We tell all our children that God made only one of them and we are [ insert description] because he wanted us that way because it will help, us we just need to figure out the advantages.