Got in a big fight last night and feel terrible!

[girlygirl]

Need some advice or just to vent. My husband and I got in a HUGE argument last night, Im not going to go into details but I had a right to be very angry.. however I did not handle it well. I just decided to go with the cold shoulder as I was fuming. When he kept pushing at me and wouldn't leave me alone to find out what was wrong I just EXPLODED. He kept following me and I kept trying to push him away- I started to say some really bad things to him and made him cry. After my big whoha we had a rather acidic conversation about the issue and then after we said we loved each other and agreed to disagree and went to bed.

We were fine in the morning but I have the worst nagging inside of me. I said some really mean things to him and it was the first time I was physical when we fought (pushed him away because he kept following me) and just the most crazy I have every been in an argument.

I remember when I was younger and my dad used to be like this with my mom for no reason and now i am freaked out I am going to turn into my dad. I just have memories of my dad yelling and my mom crying. I am so freaked out right now- I doubt my husband even cares at this point but I feel so bad. I feel bad but at the same time I know I had a reason to be justified in being so mad.

What do I do? Any suggestions? ?????? I am a newly wed so I am very inexperienced in these situations!

Edited November 1, 2011 by girlygirl
typos

[joshuat]

Just sit down with your husband and talk about what happened. Don't try to reignite the arguement but explain to him what happened wasn't the real you.

[Daybreak79]

Like Joshuat said, Talk to your husband and start off by telling him that you don't want to talke about the subject of the arguement but instead of how you acted and apoligize for your actions if thats what you need to do.

I know when my wife and I do this we draw closer together because we know we wont agree about everything, but if we can take the time to truely listen to what was behind the arguement (or learn what was behind our actions during the arguement) then we are far better off and have learnd a little bit more about each other and have grown closer together.

[estradling75]

Girlgirl...

Sounds like you and your husband need to learn how to express yourselves and how you feel without coming off as attacking or blaming the other. This is not an easy or natural skill for a lot of people. It takes effort learn how on both sides.

My wife and I just got through taking a Church offered Strengthening Marriage Class which covered this and many other things I thought was quite helpful. I was hoping to find the manual online and point you and your husband toward it. The lessons and homework could make for very good Family Home Evenings for a young couple without kids. But I can't find it in the LDS.org manual section.

Check to see if it is available in your ward. If not take a look through the various relationship books on communication. The basic recommendations on how to communicate well are out there.

[prisonchaplain]

You may want to write out your point of contention, as well as your feelings. Have your husband do the same. Then exchange papers, and write out your responses. Continue this until you find a true resolution, rather than a "Agree to disagree" cold peace. Often, when forced to write things out, what may start as emotional and unfair fighting quickly turns into fair fighting. Also, writing forces more controlled thought.

Just a suggestion...might be worth a try.

[Dravin]

I feel bad but at the same time I know I had a reason to be justified in being so mad.

You have a every right to stand your ground if you are right, but whence this justification of anger? President Monson gave a talk about anger: School Thy Feelings, O My Brother - general-conference

A relevant quote from the talk:

“Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.” 4

To be angry is to yield to the influence of Satan. No one can make us angry. It is our choice. If we desire to have a proper spirit with us at all times, we must choose to refrain from becoming angry. I testify that such is possible.

Anger, Satan’s tool, is destructive in so many ways.

When we justify ourselves in our anger we validate it and give it permission to dwell within us. I'll be honest, I get angry, and I have the same thoughts of justification in my anger. He started it, he caused offense to me, I'm right, and a thousand other things we tell ourselves to both justify and fuel our anger, but in so doing we cling to a tool of Satan. It can be difficult to let our anger go, but we are better off to cast it from us then justify it. Now this does not mean in the case of your disagreement that you are wrong, or that you need concede your position, that he isn't guilty of some anger or offense of his own, but you may want to rethink justifying your anger. It will do you no good and can do much harm.

Edited November 1, 2011 by Dravin

[rameumptom]

First, apologize.

Second, sit down with him and discuss alternatives to arguing and following each other around. This may include calling time out for an hour, where each one of you goes to a neutral place alone for an hour, in order to pray and realign your thoughts and feelings with the Lord. THEN, you can go back together and discuss the issue if you still feel it needs discussing.

[Madriglace]

WOW ... your husband kept after you to find out what was wrong ... that sounds like love to me ... that man is a keeper.

[skippy740]

Here's a family saying: "If it's worth arguing (worrying) about... it's worth praying about."

My suggestion: You both need to set up the 'rules of engagement' when it comes to arguing (or vehemantly discussing).

Here are some rules you may want:

1. No mention of the word 'divorce'.

2. Leave each other's parents out of it (like 'you're just like your dad').

3. Allow each other to step away from the situation for a while to let each other cool down so you can discuss the situation more calmly.

I'm sure you can add to the list. But without some kind of rules/boundaries, then anything can go. It's also a sign that if one of you violates the rules of engagement... that you may need serious counseling because one of you is choosing to hurt the other by not following the rules.

Just some suggestions.

[Jennarator]

I agree with the others. On top of that remember. The hardest person to forgive is yourself. If your husband can forgive you, it's time to pray about it, and move on. I know that is hard, but you know to work harder the next time you are tempted to say those things. Ask for help when you pray. Ask for help to bite your lip, then when that happens, have a plan in place, either scream into a pillow, or walk out of the room. What ever works for you. Good luck!!

[annewandering]

WOW ... your husband kept after you to find out what was wrong ... that sounds like love to me ... that man is a keeper.

I dont know. It just drives me crazy, when I am mad, that he can just walk away and leave me angry. It just feels so unfair. Not sure thats love all the time. For me it's more like adding insult to injury.

Making rules including timeouts to pray is something I could use. :)

[girlygirl]

Every single one of you guys are right. I feel like in order to get my point across I need to make a big deal about it. Last night I made a huge deal about it and just let loose with all my emotions- and obviously I was NOT happy with the outcome. I feel really my actions were really immature. I feel like I have never acted like that before and I wish I could erase it and now I never can!! I wish I could have thought of a more constructive way to deal with my problem, and instead used what I think would be more 'self gratifying' by letting my feelings be known. Wow I'm stupid- I will NEVER do that again. He ended it with- I love you and I won't hold this against you, now lets go to bed. I know he has put it at the back of his mind but it is eating me up inside. I feel I need to talk this out. How do I explain I shoudn't have done what I did without poo pooing what I got upset about? Any tips on how to handle a fight without hurting each other feelings but making sure your point is heard and absorbed? I feel like the only time I get a reaction is when I do something stupid like this. If I am nice and say something calmly I feel like I don't get heard. I know this all sounds dumb and I know your probably judging me as a big cow but I honestly don't know what to do Uggh

[girlygirl]

You may want to write out your point of contention, as well as your feelings. Have your husband do the same. Then exchange papers, and write out your responses. Continue this until you find a true resolution, rather than a "Agree to disagree" cold peace. Often, when forced to write things out, what may start as emotional and unfair fighting quickly turns into fair fighting. Also, writing forces more controlled thought.

Just a suggestion...might be worth a try.

I like this idea however I know I am 100x better with written word and he is horrible at it. I know it would work for me but not for him unfortunately.

[Jennarator]

One of the hardest lessons I have learned, or really only half learned is to leave it be. So much I want to say, but sometimes you just have to let it go. Vent here, so you have said it to someone, find a firend to vent to, but when it's going to cause a fight or hurt feelings, just don't say it. Super hard to do, I only succeed sometimes.

[Jennarator]

Better yet, vent to Heavenly Father, then you aren't putting anyone out.

Ot write it down, then tear it up.

[estradling75]

Every single one of you guys are right. I feel like in order to get my point across I need to make a big deal about it. Last night I made a huge deal about it and just let loose with all my emotions- and obviously I was NOT happy with the outcome. I feel really my actions were really immature. I feel like I have never acted like that before and I wish I could erase it and now I never can!! I wish I could have thought of a more constructive way to deal with my problem, and instead used what I think would be more 'self gratifying' by letting my feelings be known. Wow I'm stupid- I will NEVER do that again. He ended it with- I love you and I won't hold this against you, now lets go to bed. I know he has put it at the back of his mind but it is eating me up inside. I feel I need to talk this out. How do I explain I shoudn't have done what I did without poo pooing what I got upset about? Any tips on how to handle a fight without hurting each other feelings but making sure your point is heard and absorbed? I feel like the only time I get a reaction is when I do something stupid like this. If I am nice and say something calmly I feel like I don't get heard. I know this all sounds dumb and I know your probably judging me as a big cow but I honestly don't know what to do Uggh

This is where learning how to communicate comes in. Many have offered ways to try there are others out there too.

If you can let it go and I mean truly let it go, and not have it fester in your soul, that is a good option. But otherwise you've got to find a method of communication that gets it out there so that it can be dealt with. Without pulling in additional baggage.

I-statements can help with that I-statement - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Active Listening can help you with the 'feeling heard' part Active listening - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Both require practice by both sides to get into a good spot.

[girlygirl]

I will check these out thanks.

[prisonchaplain]

I like this idea however I know I am 100x better with written word and he is horrible at it. I know it would work for me but not for him unfortunately.

Maybe he can record his response? The main purpose is to allow time for thinking before reacting. Also, these days most computers allow people to speak into a microphone, and the computer "types" the words down. Besides--it won't be graded for spelling, grammar, or style.

[slamjet]

If I may venture an explanation to your husbands pushing. I believe it comes from three places:

1) The desperate need to fix what happened.

2) The desperate sudden feeling of not knowing what's going on with their loved one.

3) The desperate sudden feeling of insecurity from a loved one who will no longer communicate.

I know because this is how I am. It took a lot to be able to step away from a loved one who is upset and wanted to be alone. Mainly because when I'm upset and a loved one steps away to "give me room" I would take it as being cold and an abandonment and I didn't want to do the same with her. But I learned because after the episode, it was communicated to me what had happened, what I should do, and to don't worry because she would always come back after gathering herself together.

Like the others have said, talk to him and let him know what you were feeling and what he should do when you need to be given space. And reassure him. I'm not much into reading a loved one's explanation of an event but a verbal conversation. That way I could read the vocal tone, body language and facial expressions. As far as not being able to explain, I would thing that you have been together long enough that he would know what you are talking about because he is used to you.

Give him a chance to help and comfort you by giving him assurance that it's a temporary spat and it is not a marker on how much you don't, but really do love him. In other words, giving him a pat on the back and saying it's ok just might reciprocate into a hug.

[Vort]

Need some advice or just to vent. My husband and I got in a HUGE argument last night, Im not going to go into details but I had a right to be very angry.. however I did not handle it well. I just decided to go with the cold shoulder as I was fuming. When he kept pushing at me and wouldn't leave me alone to find out what was wrong I just EXPLODED. He kept following me and I kept trying to push him away- I started to say some really bad things to him and made him cry. After my big whoha we had a rather acidic conversation about the issue and then after we said we loved each other and agreed to disagree and went to bed.

We were fine in the morning but I have the worst nagging inside of me. I said some really mean things to him and it was the first time I was physical when we fought (pushed him away because he kept following me) and just the most crazy I have every been in an argument.

I remember when I was younger and my dad used to be like this with my mom for no reason and now i am freaked out I am going to turn into my dad. I just have memories of my dad yelling and my mom crying. I am so freaked out right now- I doubt my husband even cares at this point but I feel so bad. I feel bad but at the same time I know I had a reason to be justified in being so mad.

What do I do? Any suggestions? ?????? I am a newly wed so I am very inexperienced in these situations!

You must never, never, never "get physical" with your spouse. This is always bad. Had roles been reversed, I'm sure you would have been shocked and outraged. Do yourself and him a favor, and never allow this particular thing to happen again.

Also, I doubt he has forgotten your acidic and hurtful words. Such things are not forgotten, and will eat away at your marriage. Try to discipline yourself not to say such things, even when you think he somehow "deserves" it.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I'll key in one fragment of this. If you have a communication style that communicates rejection and anger, and you refuse to tell your husband, it's time to figure out how to make changes. I had a thread like this a while ago. A few people disagreed with me, but I refused to marry one person because when she was upset she would give me negative body language and never tell me what was wrong. I was the guy who would sit with her and hold her to get her to tell me what was wrong so I could understand and do better. She refused to tell me. Refused to look me in the eye -- it was absolutely maddening to me. I wanted to just understand what was going on in her mind, and maybe gert to solving the problem (not always possible immediately) and be a good partner, but she wouldn't talk to me for hours on end. It was useless!!!!

You have to talk! You have to let him know what is wrong so you can work on the problem. To be passive-aggressive and not share what you are thinking is a huge withdrawal from the relationship.

Now, if you are not willing to talk, and mad, then use Willard Harley Junior's principle of "Protection". You have to protect your spouse from your anger. In this case, you hurt him to the point you made him cry. If I was in that position where I wanted to do that to my spouse, I would leave until I cooled down. I did this a lot in the early days of my marriage. Once my wife made me so angry I felt like winding up and hitting her. I didn't do it because I LEFT THE HOUSE when I started feeling the desire to get heated. I went to a hotel that evening up the street until I got control of myself again.

So, if you ever feel this angry again, then tell him you can't talk right now. You are too angry. You don't want to share for the time being. But your relationship is important to you and you will talk to him about after everyone cools off. Tell him you are leaving and when you will be back again so he doesnt' worry about you.

If you have a journal, write out everything and get clarity on your feelings. Go somewhere peaceful like a library, or someplace you can pray, and reflect on the situation until you have clarity. Even go for a drive but protect him from your anger and the natural man (woman).

After that, talk to your husband about what happened. There are principles of conflict resolution I have tried with some success. However, I'm too tired to talk about them now. Those of you who know my 18 year situation may question if I really know what I'm talking about -- suffice to say, these principles of conflict resolution lead to stretches of getting along that provide relief from the hardship marriage can cause. Sure old problems may may return again, but having had time in the oasis, you can handle another stretch of hardship.

Talking out the problem in a respectful atmosphere can help you get there.

Edited November 2, 2011 by mormonmusic

[FunkyTown]

Just sit down with your husband and talk about what happened. Don't try to reignite the arguement but explain to him what happened wasn't the real you.

Wait... What? Here's the problem, Joshua: What she did when she argued was the real her. Are you suggesting she was possessed? That's ridiculous. Are you suggesting she's schizophrenic? That's insulting. Are you suggesting she doesn't normally act like that? She's not normally that angry.

What she needs to do is repent and try to change and not try to fob this off as being something she isn't. The 'That's not really me' defense is an easy cop-out.

To the OP: It's good that you're scared you're turning out like your father. We learn a lot from our parents. That's not our parents fault. We're old enough to make choices on our own.

Instead, what we need to do is recognize when we've failed and try to do better. Identify why you exploded without blaming it on someone else. Learn to communicate.

Ask yourself, "Why was my husband following me around? Was it because I acted angry and he had no idea why? Was it because I acted angry and he thought I wasn't justified? Was it because he was physically locked to me by handcuffs?"

Once you understand why he was pushing and why you were pushing him away, you can say to him "Honey? I am angry. I will tell you why when I'm ready and when I have the right words. Please let me figure things out by myself." instead of doing the very things that will allow you to explode and start a fight.

I've learned to say to my wife that I'm grumpy and spoiling for a fight. When I say that out loud, it makes me realize that the problem is with me and not my wife. She then hugs me and says things are okay and I get to realize what a wonderful woman my wife is.

[Bini]

WOW ... your husband kept after you to find out what was wrong ... that sounds like love to me ... that man is a keeper.

I totally agree!

I'm the firecracker in my marriage and my husband is just the sweetest most patient and caring man. You don't find many of them out there but when you do — hang on to him!

[ryanh]

What do I do? Any suggestions? ??????

If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.

Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way.

Eternal Marriage F. Burton Howard, April 2003 General Conference

We will all eventually cause "tarnish" on our spouses, and hurt them. While it is important to attempt to minimize those hurts, when they do occur, our careful attention to erasing the "tarnish" can restore the relationship to it's previous state.

Marriage research (Gottman) indicates that for every one criticism or hurtful comment/act, it takes 5 positive ones to counteract/neutralize it. Make it a goal to give him at least 5 positive meaningful (things that he appreciates whether it be words of kindness, recreational activities, or acts of service – whatever most touches his heart) to begin to erase the hurts.

[girlygirl]

Thanks guys. I believe everything is good now. We had a good night last night out with some friends right after work so we were both in good moods and on our drive home Britney Spears you drive me crazy came on- and he was like- this is your song! We both laughed and I still felt he didn't know why I was so upset so I said- can I tell you my story? And I began to proceed telling him 'my story' all in third person- he then told me 'his story' in their person- (no you, we, I felt...) and I think he actually understood my point WAY better and I didn't even have any idea where he was coming from so it cleared up alot of stuff. Now I know my argument doesn't hold any baring at all

I just told him I was really immature and apologized and said I need to learn to argue better and not 'hit below the belt' so to speak. I usually never admit I was wrong so I think he was happy with my sincere apology. I said I will make sure this never happens again!