When is time to just give up?

[TANNY]

I've been dating my boyfriend now for about 10 months. Our relationship had a rocky start to begin with. He had been dating another girl that he had the intention of marrying. Things had gotten hard for them so they took a 'break'. During this break he had starting seeing me. We are both in college and we have both been raised in the church. Shortly after we started dating he had told me a little bit about his past and about his issues with the Law of Chastity but didn't go into depth about it. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal seeing as everyone has a past and he was actively trying to fix it and I had never had any issues with the LofC. But unfortunately we had messed up even before we had ever become official. So he stopped seeing the previous girl and me in order for him to get himself in a better place. We had tried to stay friends during this time but we both still had feelings for each other so we decided that we would just be extremely careful around each other not wanting to mess up again. We were doing so well and then we'd slip up. Then we go for a long time without anything happening and it would happen again. This has been the cycle for far too long now and I don't know how to get out of it. I love him and I would love to marry this man IN THE TEMPLE. We have both discussed this and that has been our goal. But I don't see it happening any time soon with this behavior. And I'm not even sure if that is the right thing to do. He has been more open with me about his past recently and it has made me second guess this relationship. I know the past is the past but isn't the past a good indicator of how things MAY end up in the future? He has had this same problem with other girlfriends in his past. So am I just another one? What have I gotten myself into?

Edited November 29, 2011 by TANNY

[Dravin]

Is it really an issue of his past? Or his current? You are both having difficulties that may make you want to reconsider your course of action. Only you will be able to decide if the best course of action is but my advice is this: Doing the same thing will continue to yield the same results, obviously if you decide you are going to continue on the course for being married and sealed in the temple you need to change your plan of approach. Also, keep in mind you aren't married yet. You aren't beholden to make sure the relationship works, if the relationship is ultimately bad because it locks you both in a cycle of sexual sin and incomplete repentance it is fully justifiable to say goodbye to it.

[Jennarator]

You MAy have found a player. But I have no reason to know either way. Pray. Then ask a close friend for an honest opinion. Friends can see things when love makes you blind.

Then, of course, get to the bishop and get his help in repentance. You need to start on the as soon as possible. This will also help you see more clearly. Focus on the other reasons you are together, not just lust.

I don't know anything other than what you posted, and given just that, I would say to move on. But that is just me. Take time away from him to repent and get back on track.

However, if you really see more than sex in this relationship and friends see good in him and that you are matched, then you might want to consider a civil wedding. This would help the sin to stop and both of you to get on track. The red flag I see in marring him is that he can't control his passions and if you ever can't give him what he wants, he might loook elsewhere. (Like if you are pregnant and sick, or anything.)

[NeuroTypical]

What have I gotten myself into?

From what you describe, you've gotten yourself into a relationship with a guy who has screwed around with girls in the past, and is now doing it with you too.

I think you're answering your own question here.

[Vort]

Tanny, if you want a temple marriage, you need to act like you want a temple marriage. You have put yourself in a position where you are completely unable to marry in the temple, and it will take you a while (probably a year or longer) before you can become worthy to do so.

If a temple marriage is really what you want, then start acting like it today. And if such is not a priority for your boyfriend, then you need to decide whether spending your life with him is more important than that temple marriage you always wanted.

[Blocky]

The term 'unequally yoked' comes to mind. I really dislike this phrase because I hear it thrown around a lot when I'm meetings with the Bishop in regards to my being married to a non active member. Yet, that is what comes to mind. You said this was your first time in this situation and you are unhappy with where you're at. On his side, he keeps putting himself in this situation over and over again. I question how seriously he'd keep his temple covenants.

If I was to make a guess (this is the internet, so uneducated personal opinions are pretty much the norm) and you guys got married I'd say that in about 5 years, you'd have a baby, you'd be faithful and active in church and he would either be not active or active but not 'into' it, maybe he's been caught looking at porn. You'll be tired but tolerant of his blasé attitude towards your attempts to remain a virtuous woman. He'll be a good dad but you'll feel the weight of being the only person encouraging FHE, family prayers, and making sure your child grows up knowing their Heavenly Father.

This is all a guess, but I would say his pattern shows a path that he's leading down for himself. And yes, this is extremely biased on my part. Remember that you are a beautiful daughter of Heavenly Father and he loves you and he wants you to correct these wrongs. I would suggest that since you're not married and not even engaged at this point that the easiest way to do this would to be distance yourselves from each other to get a clear head and work on your own personal repentance while counseling with your bishop.

[mrmarklin]

You said you had a rocky start to begin with. Apparently nothing has changed. You need to move on and get your own life in order.

I doubt you are truly in love, but sexual activity can lead to that false assumption. He certainly doesn't love you because if he did he would respect you more.

[shdwlkr]

First you say you two have slipped on occasion and that you want a temple marriage you can't have both ways here.

Second the rocky start is a sign things have been directed in one direction more than another. Seems physical attraction is important for both of you. There is a reason sex is reserved for marriage.

third there is a crude but true statement," why buy the cow if you can get the milk free"

I am not calling you a cow by any means only that why would he work to correct his issues if you give him sex for nothing more than maybe mutual satisfaction. What are you going to do when the next girl comes in his life and he moves on leaving you behind. Yes I do think he will do it as he has already done it once that you know of and his past seems to be his present as well.

If you really want a temple marriage, you have to accept that means no sex out side of marriage, second this guy is doing you no spiritual good, and last he is pulling you down to his level and is that where you want to be?

[Forget-Me-Not]

Your thread title asks, "When is it time to give up?"

I don't know that one must "give up" on someone they love, but if what you really want is a temple marriage, you need to focus on the things you need to do to prepare for that. Of course, there's always the chance that committing yourself to no more sex outside the bonds of marriage, could create an issue your boyfriend doesn't want to deal with.

Oh, and I know that when you love someone you don't want to risk losing them, but you need to realize that on your present path, you've already lost him, before even having him, really, because you've placed yourself beyond the only thing that could enable you as a couple to last, and that's an eternal marriage covenant.

So, you need to ask yourself if you want a temple marriage enough to have the courage to commit to seeking that goal. And yes, it does take courage, especially when you don't want to lose someone and you're afraid you might. But even if that happened it wouldn't have to keep you from loving him from afar, and praying for him, that he will one day desire that blessing enough for his own life, to make the changes he needs in order to have it.

Yes, he may turn from you, but he could also turn back. Even if that didn't happen, though, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, in the end, by preparing yourself for what you really want, because there are still plenty of men out there who desire an eternal mate and are willing to do what it takes to have her.

[Bini]

LM and Vort nail it.

[splash]

Tanny, if you want a temple marriage, you need to act like you want a temple marriage. You have put yourself in a position where you are completely unable to marry in the temple, and it will take you a while (probably a year or longer) before you can become worthy to do so.

That is not necessarily true. Time frame (if any) before a temple sealing and disclipinary action after pre-marital sex and other chastity violations is up to the Bishop (and quite possibly Stake President).

Tanny- I saw pray about this and speak to your Bishop if you have not already. He can give you advice, judge your standing in the church and help you become temple worthy again. I think everyone definitely needs the confirmation from the Lord on whom to marry. I say if you do not get that confirmation, do not go through with it. Good luck to you and I wish you well :)

Edited December 9, 2011 by Pegasus_

[blackjacks]

One thing I have never understood is why people try to go into relationships changing someone. The way they are when you date them is the way they are going to be when you are married. There are so many quality people in the world who would treat you the way you deserve to be treated why sell yourself short? If someone is not treated you the way you deserve to be treated then you owe it to yourself to find that person that lifts and builds you and makes you a better person and treats you the way you want to be treated.

Being single sucks, but being in a unfulfilling relationship is 100 times worse. :)

[Guest Anonymity]

Agreed Bini.

[Guest Jgirl]

This is really really hard. I can say from personal experience that what you are facing is very similar to my own situation. I am now married to that person and have two children. I hate to admit this, but things of the past did spring up again, and he/we battled through counseling, ... There are times when I would NEVER change the fact we are married in the temple, have beautiful kids, and he has a good calling, great job, own home, and settled life, but part of me hasn't let go of the past, and that's whats hard. IF I could go back in time I would change HOW we dated, not WHO I married, (through bishop we were sealed and completely worthy) and sorted things out first, otherwise it get's dragged into your marriage. He is Not Wrong for you, but he might not be right for you right now.... Once we were engaged i went away for a few weeks, and closer to the marriage time... temptation is hard, and no matter what Satan will try and steer you from the temple. I prayed about this man, and part of me wanted my prayers to say no, but they didn't... I keep thinking there will always be some women who will have to work a little harder. Unfortunately and we all know this from priesthood sessions, conferences, talks that all men are different and even at church i think "I wish my husband was like that!" but he isn't, but he makes me laugh, he loves the kids, he is active and he works hard to make money for us for a better future. Say a Prayer, ask the Lord if this is the right one for you, you'll receive an answer, and when you do, take it, and know that that feeling has a reason :)

[bl80920335]

It sounds like your only setting yourself up for heartache in the future. Pray sincerely about it and you'll know what to do.

[mhsmd]

I was in your shoes once. Well, as far as the law of chastity goes. My husband and I, back when we were dating, broke the law of chastity. I mean we broke it about a week after our first date, and pretty regularly during the next month or two. Before dating him, I had broken the law of chastity regularly over a two or three month period. So, I can tell you about two different experiences.

With my ex: He was emotionally abusive. He pushed and pushed while I kept telling him to stop because I wanted to live the law of chastity (that particular commandment had been a stumbling block for many, many years even while I was single). Eventually I gave in. I will admit that I was curious, but I did more damage to our relationship by letting it continue and by not going to the bishop just because my boyfriend didn't want to. When we finally confessed, our bishop said this, "You've been playing house." He was right. We had made a commitment to each other that we couldn't keep, because we were not married. We ended breaking up because he was emotionally abusive, which is beside the point.

With my husband: I got together with my husband about five months after breaking up with my ex. I had done really, really well with the law of chastity in that time. Unfortunately, both my husband and I had a past of breaking the law of chastity and that led to us breaking the law of chastity together. This time, I was the one who pressured him. I am not proud of that. But when we realized that we wanted to marry each other, when I realized that he was actually serious about wanting to marry me, we decided that we wouldn't settle for less than a temple marriage. The fact that we came to that decision together, that we were both committed to the possibility of marriage, was what changed. (Also, I broke up with him for about two or three months. Also beside the point.) Anyways, when we got back together, chastity wasn't an issue because we knew what our goal was. With that goal in mind, I feel the need to tell you this: You have to wait a year after such a serious sin before entering the temple!!! Especially if he is an RM (I don't know if yours is, mine isn't). We didn't know this, and we were only told about two weeks before the wedding. There was a lot of unnecessary hurt feelings, awkward explanations, and resentment towards my bishop because of it. We thought 8 months would be enough, but it wasn't. Just be aware of that.

[mhsmd]

Oh. I'd like to echo what Jgirl said. My husband's past with chastity has popped up again, though I knew it would. If that is an issue for your guy, and you can prepare yourself for that, it will help a lot. My husband's problem hasn't really affected our relationship, because I know he isn't betraying me. I know he loves me, and that this is just a sort of addiction that he needs love and support to get through. Also, love and support from each other right now will help you live the law of chastity together and get sealed in the temple.

[Martain]

Dear Tanny,

You've seen some good advice here.

When I read what you wrote I was reminded of the council given under 'Sexual Purity' in the 'For The Strength of Youth'. I feel it's very applicable in your situation.

In order to 'mess up', there will be some action that lead to that 'mess up'. Such activities aren't always even sinful either. It could be kissing, cuddling or simply staying up late in each other's company.

You would know best what these activities are that are but I ask you to take a hard look for them. If it arouses sexual feelings within your body, don't do it! Even if others have no problem with such activities, even if such activities themselves are not sinful, if it arouses such feelings in you or him, please don't do them!

Never do anything that could lead to sexual transgression. Treat others with respect, not as objects used to satisfy lustful and selfish desires. Before marriage, do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not do anything else that arouses sexual feelings. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body. Pay attention to the promptings of the Spirit so that you can be clean and virtuous. The Spirit of the Lord will withdraw from one who is in sexual transgression.

Avoid situations that invite increased temptation, such as late-night or overnight activities away from home or activities where there is a lack of adult supervision. Do not participate in discussions or any media that arouse sexual feelings. Do not participate in any type of pornography. The Spirit can help you know when you are at risk and give you the strength to remove yourself from the situation. Have faith in and be obedient to the righteous counsel of your parents and leaders.

I feel that your true question should be "What does the Lord want me to do?". Sins regarding Chastity are very very serious.

The Lord’s standard regarding sexual purity is clear and unchanging. Do not have any sexual relations before marriage, and be completely faithful to your spouse after marriage. Do not allow the media, your peers, or others to persuade you that sexual intimacy before marriage is acceptable. It is not. In God’s sight, sexual sins are extremely serious. They defile the sacred power God has given us to create life. The prophet Alma taught that sexual sins are more serious than any other sins except murder or denying the Holy Ghost (see Alma 39:5).

There was a specific quote from President Spencer W. Kimball's "The Miracle of Forgiveness" that I wanted to share with you but instead I feel to ask that you please read this book. If not having a copy is an issue, let me know where and I'll happily send both you and him a copy of your own.

If you are tempted to commit any form of sexual transgression, seek help from your parents and bishop. Pray to your Father in Heaven, who will help you resist temptation and overcome inappropriate thoughts and feelings. If you have committed sexual transgression, talk to your bishop now and begin the process of repentance so that you can find peace and have the full companionship of the Spirit.

Make a personal commitment to be sexually pure. By your words and actions, encourage others to do the same.

[JaneDoe]

When is the time to give up with this relationship? I say now! I was in the same situation 5 years ago. Dated someone who had and still has issues with the law of chastity. Married him. Every day is a constant battle. He is a sex addict. He said back then he was trying to change, continues to say this, but nothing has changed. I have finally made the decision to leave. You are lucky that you haven't married this boy yet. You have a chance to find someone who lives their life according to the gospel. It sounds to me there are plenty of red flags here. There are plenty of other worthy men out there who will treat you like a queen. Don't settle!

[Timpman]

If you really want to marry this guy, then GET MARRIED! Don't wait to be temple worthy because you might not get there (see the other thread about the girl who lied to go to the temple). Once a couple has already messed around, I don't see the point in trying to wait for the temple. A temple sealing after a civil wedding is just as valid.

[Timpman]

On the other hand, if the guy is a player, get far away from him!