Please Help! I need advice about my wife :)

[CousinOfJared]

Hi,

I am having a pretty rocky time in my marriage and I’d just like to see what people think about my situation. Thank you for anyone who bears with me, I know this will be kinda long, but it's been 3 years in the building.

First off, I gotta say I absolutely love my wife. She is so cute and sweet and has an innocent soul. I literally melt whenever she’s happy and I try very hard to make her happy. I often put what she wants to do over what I want when we are doing things, and I always try to show affection and love her. To her credit, she does a lot of things that make me happy too. She is very supportive of my educational goals and work and we do love to do a lot of the same things.

That said, like all couples, we get under each other’s skin and it often seems like we came from different worlds. We are usually pretty good until an argument happens and then the world shatters.

The problem I have is that over time, we continuously fight the same arguments about everything from friends to money, to intimacy, to church and we can’t seem to resolve them. One or the other of us is too stubborn to budge on any given issue, but mostly because it’s a value we’ve been taught that the other isn’t as adamant about. This may stem from our personalities. My wife is a very strict, conservative, and ordered person who married an open-minded dreamer with attention deficit. Opposites attract, eh?

So here’s an example of one of our fights so you know what I’m talking about.

First off, when we fight, my wife often picks the worst times to do it. I’m talking 1 am, midnight, etc. She’ll start with a probing question while we’re in bed, and if I don’t answer it like she wants me too (Which means, I should be incredibly sorry for something that is bugging her), she starts crying after 15 minutes or so and then pushes me to answer until a Satan-fueled fight begins at the time when the holy ghost is already in bed. I get to the point where I apologize (even if I’m wrong) and want to back down, and she keeps pushing and escalating it until she knows for sure that I’m sorry and I promise I’ll never make that mistake again (Which may be something like I didn’t volunteer to help her do laundry or I went to my friends for four hours and got home at 11:30pm because I spent 30 minutes longer than I should have). At that point, I get peeved, and start raising my voice and say she’s being a jerk, which she thinks is name calling. So in reprisal, she tells me I should be single, because that’s what I want and then she says she’s going to leave me. Now I stop talking or listening, because I’m too hurt to keep it up no matter how much she yells or cries. Next morning, I get the silent treatment for an entire day until she eventually makes me say I’m sorry, and then apologizes herself and becomes very loving.

Other fights we have had, she has hit me and others she has said she wants a divorce. I have never done any of these things. The worst think I’ve ever done in a fight is said the ‘D’ word, raised my voice and said she’s a jerk.

If I were out drinking, or cheating, I could understand these fights, but the things we fight about are like that I bought lunch for work because I work 40 miles away from home (For her so she can be near her work and family) and don’t always have food. Or, I didn’t notice the floor was dirty and didn’t clean it. Or I don’t want to go to Priesthood because in our ward, they only seem to be friendly when they want something from me (She shares this sentiment!). I guess I could say a ton more, but I don’t want to bore you.

The thing is, when things are good, I’m totally happy, but more and more, since I know fights are always going to be this way, I’m starting to feel distant and resentful towards her. I still love her so much and I’m trying to keep eternal perspective, but honestly, I feel like a horrible husband and I feel like it’s not going to last.

I know it’s not all her. I know what bugs her and I try to improve in those areas. I am part of the problem. I sometimes waste money (usually that which I sell my own stuff to buy new stuff with) and I am having a hard time with my testimony due to some of the experiences we are having in our ward, and yeah, I like to go to friends’ houses and play video games. Some things are part of my life. I don’t spend a ton of time with friends, but I still want to have them! I do need some alone time. She does get that, but she still pushes and subtly tries to change the things that are important to me.

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even feel like I can buy her flowers or take her on a date without getting a talking-two about money management. I know that I sometimes hit her hot spots in that I’m not very strong in church right now. She wants an eternal companion and I’m slacking, but I have only started slacking since I’ve been married to her and since we’ve been in this ward. My esteem is shattered.

The worst part of it is, I keep imagining being single and how great that’d be. And yet, I don’t want to be. I really love her, I really love our 2-year old son, who doesn’t deserve parents who scream around him. It kills me to think badly about her, but some of the things she does and says are flat out irrational or cruel and I can’t help but think she’s a slavedriver or abusive.

Right now she is pushing for another kid and is excited about it. I’m not, but not because I don’t want one. I worry that like our last pregnancy experience (where she told me “I might leave and never come back” after I wanted to go for a few minutes for a ride to cool off) she’s going to become even worse and then if we get a divorce, I’m stuck with paying child support for two kids instead of one. It sucks to say that, but I feel that way.

I’m not even able to have a word on how I’d like our children raised. She defaults to raising our boy herself, and he’s getting spoiled for it. My main roles are to play with him and discipline him, so he’s scared of me, because I am always the one mad at him. When I try to talk to her about something, she goes over my ideas every time and just does what she wants.

Finally, we have very little intimacy ever since our last pregnancy I have to practically force her to kiss me. We hug and say I love you, but our other forms of physical intimacy are few or need to be pushed to happen. It’s rarely fun or spontaneous. We have a host of other problems, but I just can’t keep going.

Bottom line: My wife is very controlling, very stubborn, and very abusive. She doesn’t seem it on the surface, but when I’m not totally in her line, I certainly get burned for it. I really feel like the cons outweigh the pros of our marriage, even though we have some very good pros. Words don’t do justice to the good things I feel about her. I can’t imagine life without her. I love this girl, I take care of our family’s needs, and I’d never willingly try to hurt anyone, most of all her. But this bad anger problem mixed with stubbornness and control turns her sweetness into soul-shattering words that she can’t take back, and I’m really getting to the point where I am fearful and uncertain about being married. I just don’t know why, even when things are okay, she stresses about things and gets so mad

Can anyone relate with me or tell me what they think of all this?

[Bini]

Maybe talk with your bishop for some guidance and perhaps marriage counseling isn't such a bad idea too. I keep reading over and over again how much you love your wife. STOP using the D-word. Just don't say it, even when you're at your wit's end! Take a deep breath and if you have to, walk away and cool off, tell your wife you're willing to talk once she cools down too.

[annewandering]

One thing I would worry about are the video games. I have played and its a lot more time consuming that we realize. I can play from time I get up to time I go to sleep and wake up several times a night if a quest or mission needs checked. Now I am not saying you do this but it is very easy to get very caught up and not realize it. I know you have heard the term 'wife aggro' and know why it came about.

You seem to have taken a passive attitude to your marriage and child rearing. Is this what you really want? Passive can conceal a whole lot of anger.

[Bini]

One thing I would worry about are the video games. I have played and its a lot more time consuming that we realize. I can play from time I get up to time I go to sleep and wake up several times a night if a quest or mission needs checked. Now I am not saying you do this but it is very easy to get very caught up and not realize it. I know you have heard the term 'wife aggro' and know why it came about.

You seem to have taken a passive attitude to your marriage and child rearing. Is this what you really want? Passive can conceal a whole lot of anger.

Anne, I would have never guessed! Anne, the gamer!

[CousinOfJared]

One thing I would worry about are the video games. I have played and its a lot more time consuming that we realize. I can play from time I get up to time I go to sleep and wake up several times a night if a quest or mission needs checked. Now I am not saying you do this but it is very easy to get very caught up and not realize it. I know you have heard the term 'wife aggro' and know why it came about.

You seem to have taken a passive attitude to your marriage and child rearing. Is this what you really want? Passive can conceal a whole lot of anger.

Thanks for replying, both of you :) Yeah, I like video games, but I do tend to only play them on weekends and when my wife is readying for bed. We usually cuddle and watch a tv show together before bed, so I definitely try to keep gaming in check. I only get carried away with them when she's left for her parents and I get the house to myself for a while. She spends more time watching all the latest TV shows six days a week than I do on video games.

As for the 'D' word, that's the only time I said it. I was as shocked as she was that I swore. I think that fight was almost our undoing in a lot of ways.

The other problem I have, which I didn't mention, is that I have tried to have her go to counseling with me, Bishops or Doctors, it makes no diff. She doesn't want to do that. She thinks we should be able to solve everything ourselves. She did get her family involved once, and now there's bad blad between my mom and her sister because of it.

It may seem passive of me, I agree, but I have tried to work things out. She doesn't listen to what I feel or think of anything. In any conversation about parenting or anything, things seem to go sour very quickly, and even if there ends in agreement, it doesn't seem to happen. I will try to put our kid to bed at a steady bed time so we can spend time together, but if he cries at all, she pulls him out of bed, no matter how much I protest. She's scared he'll hurt himself or something. The result is, the kid goes to bed "when he's ready" now. He only minds for me, because she gives into all his demands. That's why I discipline him.

It's really hard to try to fix problems with someone who, albeit unintentionally, only thinks of their own feelings. And this selfishness begets selfishness in me. Her stubbornness tempts me to rebel and go stubborn myself. I don't think she does any of this on purpose. She always writes me cards for Valentine's Day or letters that she loves me and she's so thankful I put up with her when she gets mad. She knows she has a problem. It probably doesn't help that her last husband left her during their honeymoon, and she's got all those issues to deal with even now. She compares anything I do wrong to him, which isn't fair.

I just don't know how to feel here. I have love, and hate for her, and it seems more times than not that we are fighting or unhappy. Anyway, I feel like I'm venting. Thanks for at least listening to me and trying to help me think of solutions.

Edited February 24, 2012 by CousinOfJared

[Guest]

I would tell her you're not going to be willing to bring another child into the marriage until it's fixed. Then find a good counselor, and go. I think as far as what you can change, really honestly analyze how much time you're spending escaping in games. For the stuff you know she'll blow up about, tell her over and over until she gets it that she needs to communicate with you. If she wants you to clean the floor, she needs to ask you to do it. You're not a mind reader. If she wants you home at 11, she needs to make that clear- and then accept from you that you'll do your best, and if you're going to be late you'll call but you will be home no later than 11:30. Then make sure she's getting nights out, too, doing something she enjoys. I think the main thing, though, is that you could both use some improvement in your communication (especially her) and a good counselor can help you do that.

[Guest]

Okay, now reading your next post, I wonder if she has something else like depression or hormone imbalance going on. I wonder if she'd be open to getting that checked out. But absolutely no more children until she's willing to do what it takes to heal your marriage. Put your foot down on that issue.

[Guest]

Your wife is ME! Yep! 10 years or so ago... Is your wife a Taurus, by the way? I had emotional problems that I didn't even know I had which contributed to the rocky start. We've been married 14 years now and I can look back to our first 10 years and say, "Wow, I was such an idiot!"

Now, first off. I really, really, really, really, really hate marital QUITTERS! You need to sit your wife down and tell her straight up... Do not bring up the word Divorce again. EVER! That's one thing my husband and I never tolerated - throwing the divorce word in the heat of the moment.

You're in a dance. You need to remember that you can't change your wife's dance steps. You can only change your steps and how you react to her steps. What you need to accomplish is to BREAK that dance routine. After 3 years of dancing that same dance routine, I am very sure that you already know what's going to happen next the minute one of you starts bickering over the same tired topics. You're probably nodding your head right now...

So, you know what the dance routine is, you know how it's going to end. So, change the way you react to her, or don't engage period!

My husband doesn't tolerate my stupidity. For example, sleep is very important to my husband. If he doesn't get good sleep he can't function the next day. So, the first time I tried to engage him in conversation right when we are getting ready for bed, he told me straight up, "Go call your best friend if you want to talk. I'm going to bed." And he proceeded to snore. I was mad as a wet hen! I tried to shake him to wake him back up and he wouldn't tolerate it and just went right back to bed eventually moving to the office and sleeping there. My husband is never mean. He continues to be as sweet as he always is, but he's like a rock when it comes to certain things. He just refuses to budge. He didn't yell at me, he didn't fight with me, he didn't argue with me, he just stayed calm and quiet and... asleep. So, I learned... eventually... that I can't win that battle.

I'm just saying this because it used to be that we have this dance step... I would say something, he would say something, until we end up fighting. I have a temper problem. Yes, there were times when I would throw anything breakable at my husband. Abusive, much? Anyway, my husband changed that dance routine. After a while, he learned that if he just stays quiet and waits out my temper - dodging breakables if need be - I will eventually run out of steam. He won't do anything to enable my stupidity either. If he thinks I'm being an idiot, he has no problem telling me so. He just does it in a calm, matter-of-fact way. Never in anger. Then there are times when he changes the dance routine by nipping the dance at the opening steps. I would say something, he would say something... the fight starts to become imminent, but instead of continuing, he makes a turn-around and says something super nice and completely off-topic like, "Wow, I really love the way you look today!"... or something crazy like that. And then sometimes, he just wouldn't engage at all... like, I would say something - he knows where it is headed - so he changes the topic to something completely different.

What my husband does is probably not going to work with your wife. But, you are the one who knows your wife best. Just remember... CHANGE THE DANCE!

Good luck!

P.S. One of the members here has this in their signature: "The grass is only greener in the side that you water." Divorcing someone doesn't mean it's going to be better. Might as well do your best in with somebody you love where you already know what the problem is that you're facing... you're one step closer to solving it!

Edited February 24, 2012 by anatess

[down_under]

I was going to say just as antess said,

You need to change the way the marriage is being played out, you are being lead headfirst down a bumpy path. I am sorry for this in advance.......

BUT.....

It sounds like you are being treated as a object to satisfied some deluded idea of a "perfect marriage".

Marriage is a partnership,, just like running a business if there are two owners both have to be going in the same direction or you will end in the rocks. and sink....

But divorcing is not a good answer, You need to sit down and cool and calmly set some boundaries and talk about the problems you are both experiencing. This can be done with you bishop or a marriage councilor. Mate marriage is hard work but it is the most rewarding

good luck

[Dove]

Hello, Cousin of Jared;

It sounds like you are in a very difficult, unhealthy situation.

I have some suggestions. Please also know we're rooting for you and hoping the very best for you and your marriage/family.

Don't have another child until your marriage is happier and more stable.

Consider getting counselling for yourself to learn how to best cope with how your wife is treating you.

I assume when you say the "d" word it must mean the cuss word. Maybe that's a very destructive word to say in your relationship. To me, while it's harsh or strong, it's not abusive or the worst thing you could say or do.

Don't take the blame for all the things that she is blaming you for but are not your fault. Like her first failed marriage, or picking fights at 1am, or whatever.

Don't fight. Walk away, sleep in another room, whatever; but, I wouldn't give in to arguing. For your own sanity and peace of mind, it's not worth it. You're wife sounds like she could be manipulative for her own way quite a bit. Don't be drawn into that.

I like a lot of what's already been said. However, I am one who believe divorce is an answer if the relationship is physically or emotionally abusive. If the other partner refused to admit their problem or refused to get help. If they don't show respect and fairness in the relationship.

Love yourself. Fortify yourself with prayer and scripture study. This can't but help batter your self esteem. Find support. Again, please consider counselling on your own. Remember how loved and worth loving you are. Love your son. Discipline lovingly yet firmly. Remember, God will always support righteous choices and behaviour, and will never support destructive/evil actions.

Dove

[Jennarator]

Passive agressive. She waits until she can't stand whatever and then lets it all go. Get some counseling.

[JudoMinja]

From what you've described, I would say that your wife definitely shows signs of abusive behavior. This means things could go one of two ways- if she is like anatess and willing to work on it, and you are equally willing to work on it, the two of you can start making the necessary changes to make your marriage more healthy by getting some much needed help and exercising love and patience- then your marriage will improve albeit slowly. If either of you, for any reason, start backing out and "quit" on the marriage by being unwilling to work together or change inappropriate behaviors, your marriage will either forever be unhealthy or end in divorce.

Your most important step right now is to change the pattern that is causing the problems. You can only do this by changing your own actions and responses, and a big part of that is deciding what you will and will not tolerate and how you will handle it when it happens. Your wife hits you? Big no-no. Don't tolerate it. That means letting her know you won't tolerate it, letting her know how you will respond when it happens (going for a drive maybe), and then following through. She threatens divorce? Another big no-no. NEVER bring up divorce in a fight. That possibility should not be on either of your minds right now. Again, let her know you won't tolerate it, and then respond when it happens.

Next, the two of you could really use some outside help. I highly recommend seeing a marriage counselor together, and if she won't go see a counselor then go for yourself. If you are a reader, I suggest either buying or finding in the library Emotional Blackmail. I would also start researching on the topic "domestic violence" in order to identify just what constitutes abuse, what signs to watch out for, and how you can work with your wife to start making some changes.

You are right to be concerned about what your son is seeing between the two of you, and I think it is wise to avoid having another child until the two of you can better your methods for conflict resolution. Please don't let your mind wander to divorce, and don't tolerate your wife bringing up the topic either. If and only if your situation seems to be getting progressively worse and/or dangerous after the two of you have sought outside help to try and remedy your issues, would it be okay to even start considering divorce. Such should be an absolute last resort for a marriage that is doing more harm to those within it than good.

[Palerider]

Let me share something here. I read everything you have posted here. I will share my thoughts and please keep in mind, I am not trying to attack you. These are my thoughts and concerns.

You mentioned several things about your spouse and touched somewhat on you. I know in a marriage both people do things that are wrong.

You mentioned video games, I am going to share a true story with you about video games and you might think this has nothing to do with your situation. I hope you and your spouse can find the help you need. My advice is for you "both" to speak with your Bishop. Both of you need to set aside your "Pride" and go see him.

I have some friends that have been married for 28 plus years. They are LDS and they are active and married in the Temple and hold Temple Rec's. One spouse started playing games on their phone. Soon this became addictive, spending a lot of time playing this game. This game requires you to be part of a family. This spouse joined a family. Now this required having conference calls with members of this family. This was so there could be a strategy in place for playing this game. Then after speaking with family memebrs, there was texting involved. Then pics are shared. Then there were phone calls made during the morning while spouse was driving to work. Then the texting took a bad turn. It became rather sexual in nature. This spouse thought and felt they never had a problem.

How did this end??? The husband suspected something and one day picked up her phone and seen what he knew and felt all along. His wife and the guy she was texting had never met in real life, although that would have been the next thing to happen, they were in some type of a relationship. Husband confronted his wife and she filled him in. She stated it was his fault etc etc. He stated he felt like she was to blame and etc etc. The word divorce never came up. They realised there was a problem in "Their" marriage. They took the steps to try to correct this situation.

Its also improtant to say, divorce was not an option. They went to their Bishop and I can honestly say today, their marriage is probally better than its been in quite sometime.

Marriage is hard and it takes 2 people to work at it. They met with Bishop and confessions were made and feelings expressed. This coouple loved each other and they wanted to work at what was wrong and correct it. There was no court action on this mans wife. She confessed everything to her Bishop. Stopped playing game and deleted all contacts with people from this game.

My opinion, in life we always want to blame someone for something thats wrong.

I have a story I read when I give a talk from time to time. Its called we live in a Boomerang World. Basically whatever we throw out there in life will always come back to us. I will post this story later.

I hope all this makes sense and you both get the help you need.

[Vort]

One piece of advice I offer to you:

Talk to your wife TODAY and agree that no serious discussions will take place past 10:00 pm. Period. If you can get this concession from your wife and make it a part of your marriage, you will avoid years of literal and figurative headaches.

[LeilaDawn]

I'm not married (nor ever have been) but maybe this is an idea:

Write down your things, your point of view and all. Let her do the same and let eachother read or you write first let her read and then let her write her point of view on things too...

Thing is you have to read them openminded to eachothers opinions I'd say.

Positive thing is you can tell eachother things without yelling and you can tell everything easier without forgetting details/leaving something out...

Negative would be ... if one of you peeps start yelling over written things -.-

I do hope that when you talk about the written things you both look at this in a mature, openminded loving way.

Oooh and please don't only write down the negatives and annoying things but also what you love about eachother esp. what you love about eachother ... how and what I have no idea on what else to say to this ^^;

Also like Vort's no discussions after 10 pm because you both need your rest and sleep. (I also think that because I guess it will result in: better sleep = less annoyance = less fights too! ~atleast I do hope it works that way)

[Guest]

From what you've described, I would say that your wife definitely shows signs of abusive behavior. This means things could go one of two ways- if she is like anatess and willing to work on it, and you are equally willing to work on it, the two of you can start making the necessary changes to make your marriage more healthy

<snip>

Judo is completely right. There has to be an inkling of willingness to work it out somewhere in there - that's why my husband and I made a pact BEFORE we got married that Divorce is not an option. Willing or not, we have to work on it.

But, even when I knew I had to work on it, it took me YEARS... yes, literally YEARS... to finally figure out WHAT the problem is, let alone HOW to work on it. So, for YEARS, it seemed to my husband that I was just doing nothing but making him miserable. But, my husband never gave up on me. He knows I love him. He knows it. He just needed to figure out how to bring it out in the way that he considers "healthy".

Yes, a counsellor would probably have made it 10 times easier on our marriage. But, I refused counselling because everytime my husband brought it up I felt it was his way of saying I am wrong when in my stupid brain I thought HE was wrong.

Man, it still gives me the jeebies looking back on those years. But, you know what, our marriage is so solid now for all the "testing by fire" it went through. It was definitely worth it by the a degree of infinity plus infinity! And everytime I dwell on eternal marriage it makes me feel very very good inside to know this is going to last beyond forever.

Yes, I still have a temper problem that I just can't seem to solve. And yes, I still throw things sometimes. But, my husband is my help meet and my support system and my partner in fighting that evil.

[dahlia]

One piece of advice I offer to you:

Talk to your wife TODAY and agree that no serious discussions will take place past 10:00 pm. Period. If you can get this concession from your wife and make it a part of your marriage, you will avoid years of literal and figurative headaches.

Sounds like a good idea. I wish we had thought of something so simple when my husband was alive. I know that as a young wife, I would find things to argue about at midnight and I had no problem carrying it on for hours. And heaven help my husband if he just wanted to go to sleep - uh huh, we're going to talk this out until dawn if we have to!

What a mistake. We would have have many more quieter evenings, and perhaps fewer arguments (as opposed to a temporary spat) if we had put time limits on my need (and I take all the blame for this behavior) to get my point across and be 'right.'

My husband was a laid back, easy going guy. I know it sounds strange, but at times, that just drove me nuts. I look back and am sorry for some of my behavior, especially when I think of how little time we had together. OP, I hope you and your spouse can get it together before too late. I'd second the opinion that you shouldn't have another child at this point.

[Finrock]

Hi

One thing to consider is that your wife may have a disorder or syndrome. Much of what you describe about your wife sounds a bit like asperger's syndrome. If true she may not be able to understand where her flaws are. Not without proper help.

Regards,

Finrock

[mrmarklin]

Early in our marraige, my kept threatening to leave me as a manipulative tool. One day i threw her the car keys, and said feel free to go. She stormed out, but was back in about 3 minutes crying. That was the end of her ever "leaving".

I told her she was always free to leave anytime, and I was tired of her attempted manipulations.

My wife did all the above that you are experiencing. I basically feel that if you love someone, set them free. My wife did then and does now know where the door is.

[mrmarklin]

Hi

One thing to consider is that your wife may have a disorder or syndrome. Much of what you describe about your wife sounds a bit like asperger's syndrome. If true she may not be able to understand where her flaws are. Not without proper help.

Regards,

Finrock

She does have a "disorder". It's called selfishness.

[CousinOfJared]

Judo is completely right. There has to be an inkling of willingness to work it out somewhere in there - that's why my husband and I made a pact BEFORE we got married that Divorce is not an option. Willing or not, we have to work on it.

But, even when I knew I had to work on it, it took me YEARS... yes, literally YEARS... to finally figure out WHAT the problem is, let alone HOW to work on it. So, for YEARS, it seemed to my husband that I was just doing nothing but making him miserable. But, my husband never gave up on me. He knows I love him. He knows it. He just needed to figure out how to bring it out in the way that he considers "healthy".

Yes, a counsellor would probably have made it 10 times easier on our marriage. But, I refused counselling because everytime my husband brought it up I felt it was his way of saying I am wrong when in my stupid brain I thought HE was wrong.

Man, it still gives me the jeebies looking back on those years. But, you know what, our marriage is so solid now for all the "testing by fire" it went through. It was definitely worth it by the a degree of infinity plus infinity! And everytime I dwell on eternal marriage it makes me feel very very good inside to know this is going to last beyond forever.

Yes, I still have a temper problem that I just can't seem to solve. And yes, I still throw things sometimes. But, my husband is my help meet and my support system and my partner in fighting that evil.

Wow, Anatess, it definitely sounds like our situations were similar, and like your husband, I have been sticking through it trying to figure out how to make things better. You definitely give me hope where it was failing!

I gotta say thank you to everyone who has responded. You've all added something that is helping me form a plan on how to improve my relationship with my wife. We haven't had a big fight since I first asked for help, but when that time comes, I'm definitely more prepared to handle it. It's gonna be a lot of work, but it will be worth it. Thank you so much, all of you! When it comes to people trying to help each other with such a vital problem, there is no way to show enough thanks! I'll let you know how things go, if any of you wonder.

[moocow]

I can understand a lot of what you say. I have been in both situations. I was once the naggy one who would want to bring up something at 1 am. My boyfriends have called it the drama hour. They now politely tell me that now is not the right time. As long as they are open to talking about it at noon the next day, I'm okay to let it go for the night. But honestly, there's nothing you can do to change her behavior right? So any advice on what she could do to be a nicer wife is irrelevant.

What you can do then is to just listen to her concerns, and then be like, "Okay, so you don't like that I didn't clean the floor. I understand that hunny, but you have to realize that I have a lot on my mind from work and with supporting the family and other things, so I'm sorry that I upset you, but you have to see it from my perspective that I love you and I want to make you happy. If I didn't see the floor, it's not because I don't care. I will try to be better, babe, but you have to realize the things I'm doing for you too." And then hopefully she will take a step back and listen to YOU. You don't always have to just listen to her all the time and be like "I'm sorry." You can open up the argument to be a two-sided thing where -- gasp -- you both come out winners! Just make sure you always tell her that you love her somewhere along the line, express genuine sorrow for making her sad, but also put your **** foot down, boy, and tell her how you expect to be treated. You could be a little crybaby too if you wanted. She doesn't get to have all the rights to that. Bam! Tell her what's up.

If she wants to be with you, which she really does (she's just trying to get power over you by threatening divorce), she needs to learn her role. She is overstepping her role and that can't continue if you're going to stay with her. Yeah, that's right. Maybe YOU are the one who has the power now. If she's pregnant and has a baby, of course she doesn't really want a divorce. You have more power over her than you realize. She is just trying to make it seem like she does. But she can't live without you.

Intimacy will come when your relationship is more leveled out and you are more dominant. Women want a dominant guy, even if your wife acts like she's Queen Bee. She doesn't realize that she's sabotaging her happiness, out of fear and insecurity in herself probably. So step up your role and be the man and put her in her place (gently) and then see how quickly she starts wanting you in bed. Trust me.

P.S. I'm not sexist against women. I am a woman. I love me a dominant man. I find it super attractive when my boyfriend totally throws my PMS drama back at me and I realize, "Wow, I'm a little over-dramatic". It's always out of love. And I can sense it and I respect it.

[Finrock]

Hi mrmarklin. I hope you are having a good day! :)

She does have a "disorder". It's called selfishness.

Well, that may be true. However, if she has asperger's syndrome or something to that effect, her mind then processes data differently than neuro typical people. She may then act in a way that appears selfish, even though she isn't being that way. That is why it is so important to rule such things out or to confirm them because if neither person knows then the NT person will think their spouse is just being a jerk and selfish and the spouse who may be struggling with some neuro disorder can begin to believe that they just are horrible people because they don't feel the same type of connection and empathy that NT people do.

It's simply something to consider. I'm making no diagnosis or even pretending to do so.

Regards,

Finrock

[shine7]

I don't fall for my husband's bull shoyavitch and he doesn't fall for mine.

Go to counseling and get tools of communicaiton plus needed healing.

Marriage and home can become and should be, a place of peace, yes there

are disagreements, but they don't have to be fights.

YES, ditch the divorce threats.....that is NOT allowed by either one, make

that a sealed deal.....no exceptions ever.

[CousinOfJared]

I don't fall for my husband's bull shoyavitch and he doesn't fall for mine.

Go to counseling and get tools of communicaiton plus needed healing.

Marriage and home can become and should be, a place of peace, yes there

are disagreements, but they don't have to be fights.

YES, ditch the divorce threats.....that is NOT allowed by either one, make

that a sealed deal.....no exceptions ever.

You are so right. I don't think she realizes how much damage divorce threats do, emotionally. I will go to counseling myself, even if she won't do it, so that I can work things out on my end. Thank you to everyone for your help! I really appreciate it and you really have helped me find new solutions to a problem I've been beating my head in over.