Need advice with career/having kids

[Hahnzee]

I am married. We have been married for one year and 5 months. My husband JUST started his second semester in college. He is doing the Pathway program through BYUI. It is very important to me that my husband receives his degree. I've seen to many couples struggle because there husband is still in school or doesn't have a degree and loses his job etc. From the very beginning we decided we wouldn't have kids until he was closer to getting his degree. I want nothing more then to be home with my kids and if he is going to school I would have to work and I couldn't be home with them. So that is what we decided that he would get some more schooling in and have kids at a later date. Not necessarily when he graduated maybe before or maybe right when he was done we hadn't confirmed that.

I am a hair stylist. Ever since high school I have a had a passion for hair and making people feel beautiful on the inside and out. I also LOVE to teach and work with the youth. It has been my DREAM to teach hair at the beauty school I went to in Rexburg Idaho (Where we met). I would be a teacher here where I live but in order to do that I would have to pay a couple of thousands of dollars to get my teaching license. If I do it in Rexburg I would get payed to do it. Plus I would be living in the town I love and we would be close to both families. My husband could also go to school full time and get done quicker. It just makes sense to me, we could live in a place where he gets his schooling done quicker because he can go full time and I can do my dream job and support him.

Right now we live in a city where his ENTIRE family lives. Every aunt. uncle, grandma grandpa, parents, siblings etc. I do love his family but they aren't the most positive people in the world. Anyway so I worked SUPER hard to get the job at the school and I GOT IT!!!!! My dreams have come true! My husband was accepted into BYUI full time and everything is working out great.....until..

Now my husband is saying that I'm being selfish for putting my career ahead of family and that we should have kids NOW and he can go to school part time and work part time.

I think moving away from his family would be the BEST thing for us. All of his family is now agreeing with him and saying I'm being selfish and forcing him to move away from his family and he has a perfectly fine job now, and we should be thinking of having kids etc. I cannot believe where all this is coming from! My husband TOLD me to apply for the job and to go for my dreams. Now that I actually have the job and we will be moving in three months he is completely against it! I am at a loss of how I'm being selfish when I'm thinking of both of us..him getting his degree, and I get my dream job while supporting him! So frustrated! I do not want to live in this city the rest of my life and I'm beginning to think I'll be stuck here forever!

[annewandering]

Have you told your husband this?

[applepansy]

How involved is your husband's family in his decisions?

[Nelly]

What I learned when I got married, is that you, your husband, and kids become your first family, and your families become second. I know that sounds harsh, but you are focusing on making your own family. I don't see nothing wrong with the plan, but only the opinions of you and your husband should matter.

I think it's something you and your husband need to decide for the both of you, not his family. It's ya'lls future. Ya'll are on the right path I believe. You're being sensible, and making sure that your quite stable for children. I know a lot of couples that get married that have no jobs whatsoever, and live with their parents! Not even going to go to school!

Pray about it! Then pray about it with your husband. Talk to each other and make sure you communicate about it. Don't listen to his family, or anyone else but you and him. It will be hard, but it's about what is going to make you both happy, not his family or anyone else! Nobody else's opinions matter but just you and your husband's.

I see nothing wrong with your husband going to school full time, while you're working to help support him so he can help support you and his family later on in the future!

Good luck

xxxx

[Dravin]

I don't see nothing wrong with the plan, but only the opinions of you and your husband should matter.

I take it you mean this in the, "It's you guys who make the decision, not them." sense and not the, "Eh, ignore any advice and opinions of family."?

[SoCal_Counselor]

Maybe your husband is stressed at living away from his family. I think when you are first married, at least for the first couple of years, it is important to live away from family. This allows the newly formed family to better establish their own identity, and not the identity of the other family members.

Many of us have struggled to go to school and work and support families. It can be done though. I would suggest your husband going to school full time, and then working part-time to help cover expenses. Look for scholarships first, then grants, then student loans to help cover the schooling expenses. Money will be tight. Your basic food groups might be Top Ramen, Macaroni and Cheese, and frozen burritos, but you will still be able to do it.

Regardless, as said before, this is a decision that needs to be made between you, your husband, and the Lord. You can receive suggestions from other people, but ultimately it is a decision that should be made between the three of you.

[annewandering]

This whole inlaw thing needs to be nipped in the bud. Nothing to do with what you decide about school but you and your husband need to decide who makes the decisions in your family. You and your husband or the inlaws. If they win the decision then your marriage is going to be a life long trial.

[applepansy]

This whole inlaw thing needs to be nipped in the bud. Nothing to do with what you decide about school but you and your husband need to decide who makes the decisions in your family. You and your husband or the inlaws. If they win the decision then your marriage is going to be a life long trial.

I wish I'd been a witch 35 years ago. I would have less trouble and there would have been less heartache over the decades.

[annewandering]

I wish I'd been a witch 35 years ago. I would have less trouble and there would have been less heartache over the decades.

I saw a lot of it with my parents. My dad was very easy going and his parents walked all over him for many years till he finally realized what they were doing.

[Jennarator]

These are the hard times that will bring the two of you closer, or pull you apart. Big decisions like this need to be made by the two of you and not family. It's time you guys really talk it out. Remind him he told you to aply. I really think that he needs to stay in school, but if you are excited about a job, then that is awsome, too. This will be hard to do, but it can be done. I know BYU-I doesn't have many night classes, so perhaps he can go to an online BYU program or somethig (if you decideto have kids.) Then you can have kids and work. You can take turns watching the baby. Or if you decide to wait, let that your and his choice not the family's. I think you should look into all options. Think out of the box. Pray hard, together, and learn how to make the big hard choice togther.

I also think that tho having children needs to be a choice made together, I think the woman really has the most say since it her body that has to go through everything and she will end up doing most of the work. So if you are not ready, you can end up resenting the child. Don't do it if you are not ready to make the sacrific.

[Timpman]

Take the in-laws out of the equation! I say get him through school as quick as possible, but then DON'T PUT OFF HAVING KIDS for other reasons. Yes, the ultimate advice is to pray and it's between you and the Lord. We all know that. I am just giving advice based on my experiences.

[Timpman]

Also, you might get too attached to your job! Don't let that happen. Always keep in mind that you will leave your job to have children.

[YaYaYaYana]

~ The plan that you guys came up with in the first place is a great one!

I am assuming that both of you are in your 20's? That is the time to get your schooling done and

live your dreams what ever they may be travels for some and as you said your dream job of working at a hair salon!!!

There is no selfishness about it at all! You should sit your husband down and tell him that you two already went through the plans and he should follow through as has already been agreed...

If he has the opportunity to go to school full time, tell him it is a great blessing and he should take it!

It would be a lot easier to focus on just his schooling for now as he has also another blessing you you being able to support him! In this bad economy not many people have this kind of luxury!

Things should be taken one step at a time...

It seems that what needs to be done first here is the schooling and the dream Job. Your husband needs to finish his degree so that in the future he could have a stable job that can let you stay at home with your children on one income. He needs to be able to provide well for the family. It would be easier to have just the responsibility of schooling now and just working one stable job later than to work part time, and raise a child at the same time and school at the same time.. Assuming that you would be at home with the child or even is you did work child care could be expensive along with close and other necessities the child would need for his or her development. It might take twice of even three times as long to get the education...

Also you need the Job for your personal development and to feel accomplishment in your life! So that you don't end up being on of those envious people in late 30- 40's because you couldn't live your dream in youth.....

Kids can always wait if you guys are still young and it would be a good Idea especially for them so that they could have the very best financial stability that could be provided for them .... What you have now, the ability to go to school work up to support you husband through also working your dream job now is a blessing! hold on to it and use those opportunities!! You owe it to your future children to be stable family environment and a financial blessing to them

Sorry if my response seems pushy or it may seems to take a selfish approach to some of the commentators here; but I do speak from a personal stand point of being a child at one point born to young parents that tried to do schooling raising me and working part time...

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My parents were 24 when i was born and their family be encouraged to get married young and have kids and that schooling should not be a priority before family....

So after I was born my parents came to the states and my father tried to work part time and get his degree as well, while my mother was staying home with me. Before I was born my parents had the same situation where my mother worked to support my father in getting his bachelors degree, half way he was invited to study in the states... but working one part time job, paying the rent and raising a kid obviously couldn't cut it so he eventually had to drop his studies as it was too much of responsibility. He couldn't go back for a while due to working a minimum wage job full time to support my mother and me... worse was that most of his credits weren't valid after 5 years when he did want to go back to school.

And being a child in this situation is even worse since you can't really do much about it but live through it and wish every single day that you can be older.. which is not how a child is meant to live.

So from My own experience i encourage people do get their education and work first before Starting a family. A Family is a huge responsibility that cannot be taken back once made.

Back in high school I made friends with a girls about 2 years younger than me but her mother and father had gone through schooling to become a lawyer and a journalist i think.. she was born when her parents were 34 while mine were 24 when i was born ...

Some might think that they were to wait so long.... but seeing the way her life turned out..

She has an interest in Asia her parents paid for her language classes and she got to do an exchange in the summer.

She is 21 and her parents had enough money set aside for her to go through university with out having to work for it (she did work but the money purely went towards hobbies and building up work experience). as well her parents had enough for her to do a year abroad in her favorite country during university. She has just graduated this year and I envy her for being so accomplished and well rounded... She got to experience the type of life and childhood that I only dreamed of....

As for me I'm 23... did 2 years of college and have to work full time now to make more money to go back....

So you tell me is it a good thing to stop your education and start a family before a having stable career and being financially q well equipped ??

[mhsmd]

Something I have always been taught is that your spouse becomes your family when you're married. Moving away from his family should have no bearing on your decision because you and your husband, and the family you have made together, is the highest priority in your lives. That being said, it sounds like you would be in a better financial position if you were to move to Rexburg. It makes much more sense for your husband to go to school full time, and get his degree faster, so that he can be ready to support your family. It is also not impossible for him to go to school, you to work, and to start a family. However, that may not be for you. I strongly suggest praying about it, and going to the temple to pray about it. Jobs in Rexburg are scarce, which may be fueling some of your husbands' family's concern. If your husband is putting his family's opinions above your opinion, I think it's time to sit him down for a good discussion about what it meant to get married.

[Hahnzee]

Basically my husband thinks that I'm not following the direction of the prophets by not having kids NOW.

[mirkwood]

You two need to have a loooong discussion about some things. The first thing you need to talk about is that you are married and decisions are yours as a couple...not yours as a couple and his family. That does not mean good advice can't be accepted, but it needs to be clear that the decisions are not theirs, but you and your husband's.

There is nothing wrong with waiting on children...for a good reason. That good reason is determined between you and your husband, with input from the Lord. For us that meant my degree and establishment in my career (that = 8 years). That doesn't make it right for anyone else, unless they have consulted the Lord and received a similar answer.

Being bullied into a decision is wrong as well. Manipulation = satan's plan and that just won't cut it in a marriage, not if you want it to last.

My $0.02.

[JudoMinja]

The official stance of the prophets on this matter can be found on lds.org under the topic of "Birth Control". It states that:

"The decision of how many children to have and when to have them is a private matter for the husband and wife." (emphasis added)

So, if your husband thinks you should be having kids now, and you think you should wait- you need to discuss this matter between the two of you until you can come to an agreement privately. It is not the in-laws decision; it is yours.

A couple things to note from the section on birth control:

The prophets counseled that the bearing of children "should not be postponed for selfish reasons". But, not all reasons for postponing a family are selfish. "Husband and wife are encouraged to pray and counsel together as they plan their families. Issues to consider include the physical and mental health of the mother and father and their capacity to provide the basic necessities of life for their children."

It sounds like you are concerning yourself with your ability to provide the basic necessities and security for your children. It is possible that you are capable of providing for these needs sooner than you think, but it is important to be careful and responsible in your planning as well. Discuss this with your husband, prayerfully, and whenever the two of you decide to start having children- it will be the right time for your family.

As to the decision between taking the job in Rexburg so your husband can complete his schooling full-time or staying where you are so he can work and study part-time... that is also between the two of you. Take care that your husband is not being influenced by pride and that you are not being influenced by greed. Either path could be the right path, and you both need to be open to listening to one another and making compromises- and you both need to be very open to the influence of the spirit.

[Timpman]

Birth Control

[MarginOfError]

I would also put your foot down on this policy:

If you can't both agree that now is a good time to have kids, then now is not the time to have kids.

If he doesn't like that, start withholding sex.

[Wingnut]

If he doesn't like that, start withholding sex.

I can't tell if you're serious with this line or not.

[MarginOfError]

I can't tell if you're serious with this line or not.

Neither can I. On the one hand, he can't complain about you not being pregnant if you're not having sex. On the other hand, we've already criticised him for being manipulative, and this is kind of the same thing.

But really, my chief advice is that you don't try for pregnancy until both partners are in agreement that they want to try. My big fear, and I sincerely hope he's smarter than this, is that he tries to pull the "I preside over the family" card. If he uses that line, I recommend you take a Family Proclamation and shove it up his ... um...nostril.

[garryw]

For the sake of Pete, do not rush the kids. Take your BC religiously. If your in-laws want babies tell them to get busy and make their own.

[Backroads]

For the sake of Pete, do not rush the kids. Take your BC religiously. If your in-laws want babies tell them to get busy and make their own.

I recall a time when my mother feared I would never get married (for some reason, I am the one expected to make grandbabies despite my two married brothers) she humorously claimed she would take the pet rat I had at the time, dress him up, and take him places like a grandchild.

So what I'm suggesting is get your parents a pet rat.

On a serious note, I think the best thing to do first is create some distance, at least emotionally and mentally, from your inlaws. Your husband might need some breathing room to clear his head and decide between what he wants and what his family wants.

[mhsmd]

Basically my husband thinks that I'm not following the direction of the prophets by not having kids NOW.

False. My husband and I, and another couple, were discussing just that commandment after the October conference. There seemed to be quite a bit of confusion, because there was a lot of discussion among the married couples on campus about having kids. The truth is that you should have kids when you are financially (and emotionally) stable enough to support those children. Having kids without the means to support them doesn't do anyone any good. We and our friends both agreed that if we tried to have kids, we would be screwed. My husband and I can't even feed ourselves and pay rent! Our friends are both working just under 40 hours a week, in school full-time, and still on a tight budget! We would not be able to support children. That is a part of the talk that was given in the October 2011 conference.

[Finrock]

Good afternoon Hahnzee! I hope you are doing well. :)

My experiences don't necessarily apply to others but I do know that you can start a family immediately and still go to school, still work and provide, and still be able to have a happy and wonderful family. I think the general supposition is that one must already have an established career or done with schooling before it is wise to have a family. I'm not sure where this supposition came from and why this has been elevated to the status of some sort of universal truth.

Everyone's circumstances will be slightly different and so we work out our lives as best we can while we shoot for the goals that God has set for us. We aren't always going to be able to do things exactly as God has prescribed but we should never forget the principles that we ought to be aiming for. It is a fact that God commanded a husband and wife to be fruitful and multiply. In so doing, God empowered us to be able to fulfill this commandment because God gives no commandment unless he provides a way for us to accomplish it. Furthermore, God's purpose AND his glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of mankind. As disciples, we make covenants to assist God in this work. We, therefore, are bound by commandment and by other covenants to help guide God's children back to him. There is no better place to accomplish this than in the home and with our children. So, instead of looking at children simply as a burden, our vision ought to be extended so that we see them as they really are: Our brothers and sisters over whom we have temporary stewardship over. The way I view it is that I am thrilled and overjoyed to be able to take part in housing a spirit on this earth with a physical body and having them be born in to the covenant, with automatic access to the restored gosple of Jesus Christ!

Roughly 10 months after getting married we had our first kid and we've had four more since then. Through-out it all I've attended college full-time (I took a couple of years break from school but am now attending again full-time), I've worked full-time, I've done my church callings, and I've been able to gain meaningful employment. We've always had everything that we need and so very much of the things we want too. On top of that, the intervening years have been filled with so many blessings that I know we could not have enjoyed had we not had our children with us along for the ride!

True, my schooling has been delayed, but that hasn't prevented me from being able to properly support my family. And, perhaps I've missed out on some other things, but, to be honest, I don't know any better. My life after high school and mission has been family and it has brought me great joy.

Regards,

Finrock