Dealing with peeping tom?

[hidden]

my little son (7yo) has become a peeping Tom (he has sisters) and I am having a hard time knowing how to deal with it. I've spanked him, yelled at him, went pretty postal on him, and this is still happening. I've told the girls not to go to the bathroom or change unless their door is locked etc. etc. but then I catch him looking under the crack in their door... this morning we had another incident, I spanked him, yelled at him, told him I was not going to allow him to be in our home anymore, that he was not allowed to talk to or be around his sisters anymore. There is some bad stuff i our fam around this, and I will not allow this to happen within our home. I'm not interested in hearing from anyone who is going to say "he's just 7, he'll grow out of it, don't be so hard on him..." because you have obviously not been in a domestic situation with molestation going on. I'm interested in hearing from others who understand the dangers, and know of ways to stop this before it escalates any more.

thank you for your advice.

[Guest]

I've spanked him, yelled at him, went pretty postal on him, and this is still happening.

That may be your problem.

Independent 7 year olds will only stop what they're doing if they understand why it is wrong. 7 year olds are innately curious. If you are more open about what it is he is curious about - unveil the mystery, so to speak - you might have a better chance at getting him to decide for himself it's not worth getting in trouble for anymore.

Now, I'm only talking about a normal 7 year old. A 7 year old with psychological problems will need a child therapist. Pronto.

Edited May 31, 2012 by anatess

[pam]

Sounds to me like you are just perpectuating some kind of abuse, albeit not sexual, yourself. Have you thought about getting counseling for him?

[Dravin]

Have you talked with him (not at him) about why he's doing it? I see spanking, I see yelling, I see shunning in your post, but no talking with him about it.

Edited May 31, 2012 by Dravin

[Jennarator]

Speak to him about the differences between boys & girls. Then explain why Heavenly Father made boys and girls different and how we are to be modest. I know it will not solve the whole issue, but if he is that curious, then show him a basic diagram, and tell him that he he not allowing his sisters to follow the prophets that have told us to be modest. I wonder if you solve the curiosity, he might back off.....good luck with this one!!

Another thought is to install the things on the bottoms of the doors that you can buy for front doors that keep the drafts out. You know they go on the bottom and fill in the gap.

[Soulsearcher]

my little son (7yo) has become a peeping Tom (he has sisters) and I am having a hard time knowing how to deal with it. I've spanked him, yelled at him, went pretty postal on him, and this is still happening. I've told the girls not to go to the bathroom or change unless their door is locked etc. etc. but then I catch him looking under the crack in their door... this morning we had another incident, I spanked him, yelled at him, told him I was not going to allow him to be in our home anymore, that he was not allowed to talk to or be around his sisters anymore. There is some bad stuff i our fam around this, and I will not allow this to happen within our home. I'm not interested in hearing from anyone who is going to say "he's just 7, he'll grow out of it, don't be so hard on him..." because you have obviously not been in a domestic situation with molestation going on. I'm interested in hearing from others who understand the dangers, and know of ways to stop this before it escalates any more.

thank you for your advice.

You might not be interested, but he is just 7. The being said the behavior isn't acceptable, but it's common and understandable. It does require correction but the way you seem to be handling it will a) not work well and b) lead to creating more problems, some possibly leading to the exact outcome you are desiring to prevent. Your son is showing very natural and standard curiosity, he's getting to an age where he understands there are physical differences and with 2 very living example near him he's taking the opportunity to explore. Now that being said if he's at that level of curiosity it's also time to start having other calm and frank talks with him. Have you sat and had open talks with him, asked him questions, made it an environment where he wants to ask you questions, and explained all the differences and why it's important to respect privacy and people in this area? The yelling and hitting can lead to issues with both how he views curiosity, how he feels he can communicate with you and sexual curiosity and development. Punishing a child for what might happen due to previous issues in your family can lead to the very mentality and actions you have experienced in the past by stunting his growth. That being said if you have taken the calm rational and very thorough open approach and it's made no difference it could be time to expand to professional help. If you are seeing no change and have tried all avenues a very well trained child psychologist might not be out of the question. Don't overly punish him for other peoples past mistakes, it will lead no where good. And yes i do have experience in this and when people took the tact you've already mentioned it lead to much much worse behaviors.

[beefche]

You say you told him he will not be allowed in your home anymore. Do you plan on putting him up for adoption? I'm curious on how you think this will help him by threatening him to abandon him?

[Guest]

I'm not interested in hearing from anyone who is going to say "he's just 7, he'll grow out of it, don't be so hard on him..." because you have obviously not been in a domestic situation with molestation going on. I'm interested in hearing from others who understand the dangers, and know of ways to stop this before it escalates any more.

thank you for your advice.

Let me target this particular statement too. I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here.

Okay, just so you won't throw me out of the bath water, let me just tell you that yes, me and my husband both grew up in a household where incidences of molestation occured. Now, that said...

1.) Are you saying that your 7 year old got molested? 2.) Or are you saying that somebody in your family is a molester and that you're seeing this peeping tom behavior as a pre-cursor to your son growing up to be a molester?

If it's #1 - you need to seek professional help for your child.

If it's #2 - I will just tell you from experience that the combination of spanking/yelling/alienation is one of the fastest way for your son to grow up to be a molester. Yep. Truly. So yeah, read my first post above and all the posts following for better solutions.

[Backroads]

I'm echoing what everyone else said.

1. If there is reason to believe in sexual molestation in this situation, you will need a professional.

2. If not, he is seven. Explain to him that what he is doing is not okay and makes his sisters feel bad.

3. Stop threatening him. You're only going to make it any better.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Please, please, seriously reconsider your dicipline methods.

Obviously you're very concerned. Even so, for a little child to have to grow up being struck by an adult (yes, spanking is striking) being yelled at ("postal" sounds anything but calm) and being threatened (telling him you are not going to allow him to be in your home anymore) and so forth, could cause far more serious and lasting psycholigal problems than trying to peek at girls, sisters or not.

So, please, seriously consider what the others have said here.

Please, also, imagine if you think the Savior would respond in such ways to your 7 year old child.

[Shawn_]

Please, please read a good book about raising boys. Stop spanking and yelling at him NOW. He is NOT BEING BAD.

[Backroads]

I also have to suggest that you talk with your daughters. It is, of course, very good if they come to you, but it might be prudent if you gave them the power to take things into their own hands.

I dealth with a few instances of a peeping tom brother. No, it was nothing extreme, he's not a mentally disturbed pervert, he was just a boy. I caught him, threatened him with the unspeakable and horrible power of my place as sister, and that took care of that.

[rameumptom]

Sit down with him and ask him why he's doing it. If he's curious, then answer his questions - perhaps find some safe 7 year old appropriate picture books that explain things. Then specifically explain why we have to respect each other's privacy and modesty.

Next, explain to him that curiosity is a normal thing, but it can get us into trouble if we go too far with it. Instead, help him find some alternative things he can do rather than be a peeping Tom, which may include doing something fun with you. Try spending time catching him doing good things, and not just the bad stuff. Help him to want to please you out of love, rather than seek attention out of fear. Sadly, kids will do whatever is necessary to get attention, even if it means receiving a spanking.

I suggest you go to the Love and Logic website, and pick up a few of their books on child raising: they are excellent! Love and Logic - Helping Parents and Teachers Raise Responsible Kids

If these things do not help, then I advise taking him in for counseling. Spanking should be reserved for only severe rebellion on a child's part, and only done in a calm manner. From your post, it seems you may have been frustrated in administering punishment. There are better ways.

[pam]

Love and Logic program is excellent. I recommend it to anyone.

[Windseeker]

I would recommend this book

Amazon.com: Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings (9781581105513): Kenneth R. Ginsburg MD MSEd FAAP: Books

Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings

Kenneth R. Ginsburg MD MSEd FAAP

American Academy of Pediatrics

If you are trying to influence your child in any way I would recommend D&C 121 it's not just for Priesthood holders.

No apower or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

Please release your anger and understand it's perfectly natural for him to be curious. He is not turning into a monster, he needs some gentle loving guidence and education is all.

It sounds like you are at your wits end and need some support. Where is your husband in all this?

[NeuroTypical]

Hi hidden,

My wife grew up in a home with that garbage going on. She and I have a deep understanding about breaking cycles and making sure garbage from the past does not pollute and spread.

Something to understand: Normal kids who have nothing wrong with them, are curious about such things. It's normal, healthy behavior to want to look, and even to play doctor with each other.

Now turn your senses inward - what just happened to you when you read the above sentence. Did your heart rate increase? Anxiety or stress levels go up? Suddenly produce a lot of emotion (or shut down and produce none at all)? If any of those things happened, then it's not your kids who need the counseling, it's you. Like any good parent, you want to keep your kids away from the horrible bad things. But like any parent with the baggage you carry, you're struggling with not letting the baggage impact your kids.

(My wife learned all this stuff by watching herself struggle in these ways. I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here. Just trying to help.)

[EarlJibbs]

:eek:Threatening your children with abandonment is not a good idea. I truely have a hard time beleiving this post is real. I really hope not to offend anyone, but truthfully, if I were going to make a list of things NOT to do to correct an issue of this magnitude, it would include some of these...

went pretty postal on him, I spanked him, yelled at him, told him I was not going to allow him to be in our home anymore, that he was not allowed to talk to or be around his sisters anymore.

What I see is negative after negative.....you cannot condone such behaviour but there are ways to deal with it and still be positive. Your child MUST know that you still love him, and taking the entirely negative approach you have outlined will produce an entirely negative outcome.

I have members of my family (Brother) and my wifes family that went through molestation from outsiders and inside family, but I dont see how that gives anyone that has not seen those terrible days any less knowlege. What has been suggested is great.

Seek counceling for your little one. Seek some counceling for yourself to help you deal with your little one. At the same time reach out to your Heavenly Father in prayer and fast and have faith that there is a loving God that wants the best for you and your family. And even though you said you didnt want to hear it.... here it is HE IS ONLY 7 YEARS OLD. Take a step back, so when you look back at this time when he was so young, you dont regret the distance you may be creating with him.

Having children is hard. Trials are hard. Stay strong.

[applepansy]

my little son (7yo) has become a peeping Tom (he has sisters) and I am having a hard time knowing how to deal with it. I've spanked him, yelled at him, went pretty postal on him, and this is still happening. I've told the girls not to go to the bathroom or change unless their door is locked etc. etc. but then I catch him looking under the crack in their door... this morning we had another incident, I spanked him, yelled at him, told him I was not going to allow him to be in our home anymore, that he was not allowed to talk to or be around his sisters anymore. There is some bad stuff i our fam around this, and I will not allow this to happen within our home. I'm not interested in hearing from anyone who is going to say "he's just 7, he'll grow out of it, don't be so hard on him..." because you have obviously not been in a domestic situation with molestation going on. I'm interested in hearing from others who understand the dangers, and know of ways to stop this before it escalates any more.

thank you for your advice.

The yelling, spanking are bad enough but the bolded just made me cringe.

You're not helping the situation. You're only making it worse.

I think both you and your child need counseling. Your reaction is so over the top its scary. Can you imagine how scary it is for your child?

[EarlJibbs]

Please see Six Types of Emotional Abuse

"Parents who use threats, yelling and cursing are doing serious psychological damage to their children. Singling out one child to criticize and punish or ridiculing her for displaying normal emotions is abusive. Threatening a child with harsh words, physical harm, abandonment or in extreme cases death is unacceptable. Even in jest, causing a child to be terrified by the use of threats and/or intimidating behavior is some of the worst emotional abuse. This includes witnessing, hearing or knowing that violence is taking place in the home. "

[Jennarator]

I agree with the others, I am just NOT very good at writing. I think the calm way is the way to go. I don't think understands why it is such a big deal and he likes the attention, even if it is negative. The child needs a listening ear and someone to help him understand.

I also agree that the girls also need to understand and need to know how to deal with it.

[applepansy]

I searched for other posts you've written. I'm really concerned about you and I hope you will call your bishop and get into an LDS counselor as soon as possible. If an LDS counselor isn't available ... just get some counseling.

Please call someone!

Heavenly Father loves you and your son.

[Misshalfway]

my little son (7yo) has become a peeping Tom (he has sisters) and I am having a hard time knowing how to deal with it. I've spanked him, yelled at him, went pretty postal on him, and this is still happening. I've told the girls not to go to the bathroom or change unless their door is locked etc. etc. but then I catch him looking under the crack in their door... this morning we had another incident, I spanked him, yelled at him, told him I was not going to allow him to be in our home anymore, that he was not allowed to talk to or be around his sisters anymore. There is some bad stuff i our fam around this, and I will not allow this to happen within our home. I'm not interested in hearing from anyone who is going to say "he's just 7, he'll grow out of it, don't be so hard on him..." because you have obviously not been in a domestic situation with molestation going on. I'm interested in hearing from others who understand the dangers, and know of ways to stop this before it escalates any more.

thank you for your advice.

When stuff like this happens with our kids, it can be so scary. We live in a scary world where the best looking amongst us do horrible things to kids. It's also an age where kids are exposed to sex so easily and so early! It's hard to tease out the developmentally normal from the rest. Especially when our own experience with these subjects is tainted.

My dear, you sound scared. You sound like you are dealing with this in the only way you know how. But, I think you are seeing that your methods (punishments, threats) aren't working. Perhaps a newer approach might help your fears, your parenting, and your child's behaviors.

I suggest counseling (as others have) from someone who understands children, sexual behavior, and parent-child interactions. These professionals know how to differentiate between perpetrator behavior, acting out, and normal behaviors. This is a great place to ask questions and talk about difficult subjects. It's also a place to help you make sense of your child's actions...and needs.

It sounds like this family has been through a LOT! May your calmer, wiser self prevail. I wish you all help and healing.

[hidden]

more background, our son is not just innocently curious, we have had the birds and the bees talk with him on multiple occasions, and have also had the modesty / your body is a temple talk with him on multiple occasions. I felt a more drastic approach was needed this time because this did not happen out of mere curiosity, or in ignorance. I will not punish anyone who acts in ignorance, sorry, I should have clarified that.

I'm not sure that love and logic covers serious issues, but I agree with the principle of allowing children to experience the consequences of their actions. The consequence of sexually harassing those around you is pain, losing your family, and isolationism. I wanted my son to experience what that meant for a time, and it is no idle threat. If this continues as he grows older I will not sacrifice the safety of my daughters for him. It would break my heart, but I will not allow it my home.

I talked with him after school, affirmed that yes, he knew that what he was doing was wrong, and he knew why it was wrong, but could not give me an answer as to why he was doing it. I made him talk to his dad about it, again, explained the repentance process to him, and we are all going to fast on Sunday over this.

Some might think that punishment (spanking, yelling, threatening) will lead to insecurity/rebellion/seeking love in all the wrong places etc. etc. I believe, and have witnessed, that avoidance/downplaying/coddling leads to a flippant/mocking/everything is a joke / it's no big deal attitude that hurts not only the victim but the molester. I believe the seriousness of the sin warranted the response that I gave, and do not think it is child abuse to spank and yell at your son for molesting your daughter. She was trapped in her closet this morning, yelling "no, no, no" over and over again at him as he stood at the closet door. I want her to know that she is worth protecting, no matter who is barging through her door.

I love my son, it hurt to have to yell at him, and hurt to have to spank him. The yelling and spanking was done deliberately, not in an act of losing my temper. It was hard not to give him a hug, or say goodbye this morning when I left them all at school, but he needed to understand that those actions end in broken families, and isolationism.

[Timpman]

Um, seven year olds can't sin. You are handling this badly. Have you studied child psychology at all?

[Leah]

more background, our son is not just innocently curious, we have had the birds and the bees talk with him on multiple occasions, and have also had the modesty / your body is a temple talk with him on multiple occasions. I felt a more drastic approach was needed this time because this did not happen out of mere curiosity, or in ignorance. I will not punish anyone who acts in ignorance, sorry, I should have clarified that.

I'm not sure that love and logic covers serious issues, but I agree with the principle of allowing children to experience the consequences of their actions. The consequence of sexually harassing those around you is pain, losing your family, and isolationism. I wanted my son to experience what that meant for a time, and it is no idle threat. If this continues as he grows older I will not sacrifice the safety of my daughters for him. It would break my heart, but I will not allow it my home.

I talked with him after school, affirmed that yes, he knew that what he was doing was wrong, and he knew why it was wrong, but could not give me an answer as to why he was doing it. I made him talk to his dad about it, again, explained the repentance process to him, and we are all going to fast on Sunday over this.

Some might think that punishment (spanking, yelling, threatening) will lead to insecurity/rebellion/seeking love in all the wrong places etc. etc. I believe, and have witnessed, that avoidance/downplaying/coddling leads to a flippant/mocking/everything is a joke / it's no big deal attitude that hurts not only the victim but the molester. I believe the seriousness of the sin warranted the response that I gave, and do not think it is child abuse to spank and yell at your son for molesting your daughter. She was trapped in her closet this morning, yelling "no, no, no" over and over again at him as he stood at the closet door. I want her to know that she is worth protecting, no matter who is barging through her door.

I love my son, it hurt to have to yell at him, and hurt to have to spank him. The yelling and spanking was done deliberately, not in an act of losing my temper. It was hard not to give him a hug, or say goodbye this morning when I left them all at school, but he needed to understand that those actions end in broken families, and isolationism.

You are claiming that a 7 year old is a molester?

Are you saying that trying to peak at his sisters is "molesting"? Or is there another behavior he is engaging in?

If your son is engaging in things other that which constitutes normal curiosity, he had to have learned that behavior somewhere. If such is the case, THAT is the issue you need to address.

I am trying to understand how a seven year old barging into a sister's bedroom constitutes "molestation".