How do I tell my wife I am leaving the church?

[Swiper]

I'm a convert into the church since the late 1990s. I'm married to a "Molly Mormon" for the last 15 years. We are sealed in the temple and we have a preteen daughter (baptised and born in the Covenant). I have followed the Commandments, the Covenant, Word of Wisdom, etc, and I been a good father and husband through the years.

The problem is that I never truly gained a real testimony about the truthfulness of the Gospel and the church. I joined the church to make my wife happy with the hopes that I one day would gain a testimony. Unfortunately,I never gained a this testimony and for the last decade I have pretty much only done enough in the church to get by and to please my wife.

I how now reached a point in my life when I can no longer pretend to be a true believer. I'm a very spiritual person, but I have not been able to follow my true spiritual path for many years and I am tired of not being able to do so. I do not have (and will never have) a testimony about the truthfulness of the gospel; I disagree with many of the church doctrines; and I can not sustain the church leadership anymore. I want to resign my membership and join a different religious group.

The problem is that I do love my "Molly Mormon" wife and don't want to hurt her feeling. How can I best let her know about my disbelief without completely destroy her? Any advice is appreciated.

[skippy740]

I'm not sure that you can.

Telling her this could be perceived as one of the most selfish things you could do to break up your faith-based marriage.

My favorite quote from the movie Secondhand Lions:

Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.

Just offering a different perspective.

[Bini]

Skippy, I love that quote!

OP, there isn't an easy way of delivering such news. However, remaining silent is not only being dishonest with yourself but also with your family. How do you tell your wife? I guess you start by telling her that you don't have a testimony. I got a question for you, though.. Have you completely shut the door on the idea that it's possible for you to gain a testimony?

[annewandering]

It isnt a matter of hurting her feelings. It destroys her dream of being an eternal family. Or at the least puts a severe dent in it.

So what path do you dream of following that you prefer?

[Swiper]

I have shut the door to gaining a testimony. The church would have to make radical changes to its doctrine and policies for me to even want to gain a testimony. The fair and equal threatment of all people are important to me. The final straw was the church active resistance to equal civil rights for homosexuals when it comes to marriage. I have given up a lot of things to make my wife happy but there are certain things I just cant tolerate. I desire to find my new spiritual home in a Unitarian Universalist congregation.

[annewandering]

The fair and equal treatment of people is important to us as well. I am not quite sure why you think we do not do that especially since you have been going to church for a number of years.

It is sad you feel you have given up so much and apparently received little in return. I am sure that you will find that you do not have to give up much as a Unitarian Universalist. Well except for your eternal family but since you dont believe that its only your wife giving that up. And your children. Oh well they will find someone else eventually.

I am sorry if I sound cruel but honesty is a good policy isnt it.

[Bini]

I have shut the door to gaining a testimony. The church would have to make radical changes to its doctrine and policies for me to even want to gain a testimony. The fair and equal threatment of all people are important to me. The final straw was the church active resistance to equal civil rights for homosexuals when it comes to marriage. I have given up a lot of things to make my wife happy but there are certain things I just cant tolerate. I desire to find my new spiritual home in a Unitarian Universalist congregation.

Tell her exactly what you have told us.

Best wishes to you and your family.

[Bini]

The fair and equal treatment of people is important to us as well. I am not quite sure why you think we do not do that especially since you have been going to church for a number of years.

It is sad you feel you have given up so much and apparently received little in return. I am sure that you will find that you do not have to give up much as a Unitarian Universalist. Well except for your eternal family but since you dont believe that its only your wife giving that up. And your children. Oh well they will find someone else eventually.

I am sorry if I sound cruel but honesty is a good policy isnt it.

Anne, I wouldn't waste your breath. OP I think has made it very clear where he stands and why he stands there. We aren't going to change his mind.

[annewandering]

Anne, I wouldn't waste your breath. OP I think has made it very clear where he stands and why he stands there. We aren't going to change his mind.

No, I dont think so either. Still if he is going to do it he should know what he is doing. Oh not to himself. He has free agency of course.

[Vort]

I have shut the door to gaining a testimony. The church would have to make radical changes to its doctrine and policies for me to even want to gain a testimony. The fair and equal threatment of all people are important to me. The final straw was the church active resistance to equal civil rights for homosexuals when it comes to marriage. I have given up a lot of things to make my wife happy but there are certain things I just cant tolerate. I desire to find my new spiritual home in a Unitarian Universalist congregation.

So, then, assuming the LDS Church were everything it claims: if God were willing to tell you that the LDS Church is actually and in very fact his own restored Church, and that the doctrine they preach will lead you to happiness, you would be unwilling to hear it until and unless the Church changed enough of their societal actions to meet with your approval. Only then would you be willing to hear the Lord saying it were true.

Do I understand you correctly?

[Guest]

If my husband told me what you're going to tell your wife, I would be devastated. It wouldn't be the end of our marriage unless he insisted that the children and I leave the church, too, but I would be absolutely heartbroken. I don't think there's a way to tell her without hurting her.

Are you willing to support her in staying LDS, and in raising your children in the church? Are you willing to not be contentious about the things you disagree with? If so, I would make that clear. That would at least help a bit.

[beefche]

And she is going to grieve. Actually go through the grieving process--the anger, denial, etc. I would caution you to be patient and kind while she goes through that.

[mrmarklin]

If you joined the church only to be able to be with your wife, you married her under false pretences.

Because of this I think you owe it to your children at least to keep up the pretence until they are raised. What you are describing could be devastating to their upbringing. You also owe your wife a deep and sincere apology as she will also be devastated. Maybe you even should continue the pretence for her sake if you truly love her.

[Swiper]

The fair and equal treatment of people is important to us as well. I am not quite sure why you think we do not do that especially since you have been going to church for a number of years.

I do believe that the members of the church are good people that try their best to live a righteous life and to follow in the footstep of Christ. I do, however, believe that certain beliefs and policies of the church contradicts the idea of fair and equal treatment of people. The principle of the family is very important to the church and I think that's good. It is important to me too. Unfortunately, the same blessings are denied gay members of the church because they happen to be gay. If they want to remain in good standing in the church they will have to live their life in celibacy and never be able to marry the one they love and become a family. God said that its not good for man to be alone and that God would create a helpmate for him. I do believe that gays should have that helpmate too, not just straight members. Until that happens there is no true fair and equal treatment in the church.

Well except for your eternal family but since you dont believe that its only your wife giving that up. And your children. Oh well they will find someone else eventually. I am sorry if I sound cruel but honesty is a good policy isnt it.

If you are trying to play the guilt game, it's not working. I like the concept of the eternal family and that's why I converted in the first place. It was important to my wife and I thought it was a worthy cause. I do, however, believe that ordinances in the temple is not needed to accomplish it. I believe in universal reconciliation not the three kingdoms. I could elaborate on my thoughts but this is not the time and place for it.

[Swiper]

So, then, assuming the LDS Church were everything it claims: if God were willing to tell you that the LDS Church is actually and in very fact his own restored Church, and that the doctrine they preach will lead you to happiness, you would be unwilling to hear it until and unless the Church changed enough of their societal actions to meet with your approval. Only then would you be willing to hear the Lord saying it were true.

Do I understand you correctly?

If the Lord told me that the church is the one true church, I would be willing to hear it even if the doctrine contradicts my personal beliefs and values. If something is true then its true. I would love it if the church was everything it claims to be, and I would love it if it was his own restored Church.

Unfortunately, after being an active member in the church for more than a decade, I do not have such testimony. I do not believe that the church is everything it claims to be. Because I do not have a testimony, I would have to look at other things to motivate me to stay in the church. If the fruit of the church was good I could overlook the blemishes on the doctrinal tree. Many of its fruits are good and tasty, but other fruits are bitter or rotten. Its the bitter and rotten fruits on the tree that drives me away.

Edited July 21, 2012 by Swiper

[annewandering]

If the Lord, Himself, told you it was true you would be WILLING to hear him. There are not rotten fruits on God's tree.

Anyway do your wife a favor and get it over with so she can make her own decisions without your further deception, speaking of rotten fruit.

[Swiper]

Are you willing to support her in staying LDS, and in raising your children in the church? Are you willing to not be contentious about the things you disagree with? If so, I would make that clear. That would at least help a bit.

I believe in the 11th Article of Faith and would support her staying LDS if she so wished. Allowing people to find their own spiritual path is important to me. That belief is why I feel that I must leave the church. As long as I am a member of the church my wife will feel that's her responsibility to keep her husband strong in the faith and to make sure that he meets his priesthood obligations. If she could just let me go inactive and allow me follow my spiritual path I would probably be willing to leave my name on the membership rolls.

[annewandering]

So now it's your wife's fault you are not 'allowed' to follow your spiritual path? Why did you lie to her hence not 'allowing' her and her children to follow their spiritual paths?

[Swiper]

If you joined the church only to be able to be with your wife, you married her under false pretences.

When we got married I was not a member and she was inactive. She was quite far from the Molly Mormon she later became. She was definitely not living the gospel when I met her (she had a history of multiple sex partners, wild parties, alcohol abuse, etc). She had started the path of coming back to the church when we met. I was probably more temple worthy than she was when we got married despite being a nonbeliever.

She became stronger in her faith while I struggled to keep up with her. To make her happy I accepted certain concepts before I was ready for them. It became a slippery slope from there.

[beefche]

Moderator Hat on:

Let's all be respectful in this thread. The OP didn't come here to be raked over the coals for his decision. Answer his questions and ask questions respectfully.

[Wingnut]

It is sad you feel you have given up so much and apparently received little in return. I am sure that you will find that you do not have to give up much as a Unitarian Universalist. Well except for your eternal family but since you dont believe that its only your wife giving that up. And your children. Oh well they will find someone else eventually.

I am sorry if I sound cruel but honesty is a good policy isnt it.

Wow. Just...

There are no words.

Unfortunately, after being an active member in the church for more than a decade, I do not have such testimony.

I can't tell from your posts, OP, what your journey has been like. Have you attempted to gain a testimony, or have you just assumed that one would come with time and activity in the Church? This statement above sounds to me like you've sat around and waited for a testimony to come knocking on your door. I'll be happy to be told I'm wrong here, but that's how I'm reading it. A testimony is something that must be worked for and earnestly sought after, and if you haven't put good faith into that (pun intended), I'm not sure it's fair to say that a testimony just hasn't come.

Although if you've already decided that you no longer wish to seek and gain a testimony, that's a different thing altogether.

(None of this is meant to berate or scold the OP...I'm just trying to figure him out, because it's unclear to me.)

[Swiper]

Anyway do your wife a favor and get it over with so she can make her own decisions without your further deception, speaking of rotten fruit.

It would have been easy for me to just kick back and remain a non-member. I was not a member when we got married and it was no requirement for me to become a member. My wife loved me for the person I was and she did not demand that I should become a member. Her parents asked the missionaries to come over to teach me about the gospel, but she told them to back off and let me decide for myself.

Because I loved my wife and I wanted to be closer to her and share her faith, I attended church services and listen to the missionaries but I did not feel ready to accept the gospel at that time. I then joined the military and went to boot camp. At boot camp, I had a spiritual experience and took it a sign that I should get baptised into the church. My wife was shocked when the missionaries called to tell her that I had joined the church.

After boot camp we were reunited and started to attend the local ward. I attended church regularly, I accepted callings, I lived the words of wisdom, I paid tithing, and I tried my best to be a good member and worthy to be in the temple. After being married for two years we got sealed in the temple. Afterwards, I did my best to live up to the covenant made in there.

I did all this not because I had to do it. I did not fear God's punishment if I did not follow this path. My wife would still have loved me even if I had never become a member or sealed in the temple. I did it because I loved my wife and I wanted to be with her forever. I thought that I one day would be a strong believer in the faith. I became a member and sealed in the temple because I thought it was the right thing to do despite being weak in my faith.

I did not have to be a member to have my wife's love. I became a member because I loved her. If that's a rotten fruit, so be it.

[Dravin]

The problem is that I do love my "Molly Mormon" wife and don't want to hurt her feeling. How can I best let her know about my disbelief without completely destroy her? Any advice is appreciated.

I'm inclined to agree with Beefche, realize she's gonna hurt and she's going to grieve. So in addition to seeking the gentlest way to break the news to her you need to realize that it will take her time to come to grips with this if she hasn't already seen it coming.

As far as breaking the news, be as neutral as possible in sharing your thoughts.

Example 1: The bitter and rotten fruits of the Church make it intolerable for me to put up with it any longer. - Not good.

Example 2: I've decided that I agree more with the Unitarians and feel that is where I need to be. - Better.

Do your best to avoid the appearance of the bitter and angry ex-Mormon. I'm not saying you'll be one, but the fear that leaving the Church is just your first step to railing against the Church will probably be buried somewhere in the back of her mind.

[Just_A_Guy]

Swiper, remember that a lot of Mormons--including, quite possibly, your wife--view their religion as the primary motivating factor for the way they live their lives and assume that other people act on similar motivations.

If you tell your wife you no longer have a testimony, she's going to want to know specifically what kinds of behavior you may begin engaging in that you wouldn't do when you were a practicing Mormon. You and she need to have a frank discussion about where you derive your moral code and what kinds of conduct you may now begin doing (i.e. coffee, tea, a bit of alcohol now and then, etc) versus what kinds of conduct you still have no intention of participating in (including, I assume, hard drugs, sexual promiscuity, bar-hopping, etc).

[Swiper]

I can't tell from your posts, OP, what your journey has been like. Have you attempted to gain a testimony, or have you just assumed that one would come with time and activity in the Church?

I feel that I have made an earnest attempt to gain a testimony. but I could be wrong. I have, at times, also believed that I had a testimony (but later lost it). I do think that my upbringing made it much harder for me to gain a testimony. I grew up in an atheist family in an predominantly atheist society in which religion was considered to be something for the weak minded. Science was our religion and if something could not be scientifically explained it was considered untrue. I think that will be always in the back of my mind.