Advice about teen boys

[Misshalfway]

Ok all you awesome men! I need some advice.

I've got a 14 yr old boy. He's tall and way too handsome and the girls really like him. He's recently gotten into a "thing" with a 14 yr old girl. He calls her his girlfriend and says they are "exclusive". He says "she kissed me once at the seminary dance after someone dared her. And that is all I swear."

I've been monitoring his texting (as was the deal when he got his phone) and the comments coming from this girl are quite alarming. My son's responses are pretty monosyllabic so I'm less worried there. She has tried to get him to sneak out at night to see her. (She had her sister drive to the house the other night). She talks about wanting to be with him and wanting to lay with him on his bed. She talks a lot about making out and tells him how sexy he is. She also throws out flirtations from other boys in his face. Like "Oh, all these boys just want to make out with me. I have to tell them no cuz I'm with you." Or, "my old boyfriend just couldn't get enough of me. He's calling again."

My son is VERY naive to stuff and thinks she is great. When I tried to talk to him/ask him if any of this bothered him, he said no and that he didn't care. He was open and humble when I talked to him about appropriate conversations, picking girls with standards, and behaving in respectful ways with girls. He was also open to the idea of saving all this dating behavior for when he's older. But he wouldn't agree that talking about these boys was problematic. He didn't feel bothered by that at all. This surprised me. I thought all boys feel would naturally feel bugged by the mention of other boys "touching" their girlfriends. And it worries me that he doesn't see what this girl is doing in terms of leading him towards acting on these petitions. I'm not sure the girl has any idea either.

Men on the forum ( and women too), how would you approach this? What would you be worried about? What lessons would you want your son to learn in regards to standards and street smarts? What do I need to know about teen boys in these situations?

Thanks!!

Edited September 29, 2012 by Misshalfway

[Guest]

She sounds like trouble.

[applepansy]

I would find her parents and show them the texts.

P.S. He's probably not too bothered by it because he's not into playing the games and she's not "that" important to him. Don't make it a big deal with him, but seriously if this was my daughter I'd want to know what she's doing.

[pam]

I would find her parents and show them the texts.

Of course it depends on the parents. Some parents might not think this is a problem. Then you run into the problem about another parent thinking you are putting your nose into places it didn't need to be.

It's a hard one.

[applepansy]

Of course it depends on the parents. Some parents might not think this is a problem. Then you run into the problem about another parent thinking you are putting your nose into places it didn't need to be.

It's a hard one.

I don't much care about what other parents think. What it does is draw a line in the sand. "Your daughter is not going to be allowed to talk like this to my son"

As for putting my nose where it doesn't belong well her messages would be on My son's phone, which makes it my business.

I have found that most parents respect and appreciate the heads up. Those that don't then we know who to stay clear of and then there is a different discussion with my teen child.

[Misshalfway]

I would appreciate the heads up. No doubt. But I'll admit the idea of talking to her parents makes my stomach churn a bit.

[classylady]

Yikes! If one of my boys at 14 was receiving inappropriate texts like that, I'd probably do the same thing you did, Misshalfway, have a serious talk with him. This girl definitely sounds like trouble. I'd continue to monitor the situation.

I don't know what else I'd do. Probably tell my son that I don't approve of her, and would appreciate it if he didn't hang out with her.

[classylady]

I don't think I could talk to the other parents about it either. My personality just isn't one that likes confrontation of any kind.

[estradling75]

From what you describe I'd say, 'he is just not that into her.'

Which is probably driving the girl nuts. Thus explaining her escalation she is trying to provoke a response.

If he is truly just not that into her.. then you are in luck he will do the fending off and will not be fighting your help. You'll just need to monitor the situation so that he doesn't get in over his head, and that doesn't change his mind. (hormones can drastically change ones outlook and a 14 year old can be awash of them at any time)

[Misshalfway]

Well, I'm not sure how "into her" he is. In the txt's he says "love you" a lot. And they text every day and into the night. I talked to him about this too and when asked he said, "Mom, it doesn't mean what you think it means. I only wanna be with her for like the school year." And then I said, "Well don't you think girls think it means you love them." And he said, "YES! Girls make a big thing out of everything!" But then he talked about how wonderful she was and how I just didn't like her cuz she was a cheer leader. I wanna believe that he's just jazzed cuz a girl likes him.

Edited September 29, 2012 by Misshalfway

[Wingnut]

I have to agree with those who guess that he's just not that into her. It sounds like she declared them to be boyfriend/girlfriend and exclusive, and he said, "okay sure," and that's what he told you.

Is Dad involved with him at all?

[applepansy]

Well, I'm not sure how "into her" he is. In the txt's he says "love you" a lot. And they text every day and into the night. I talked to him about this too and when asked he said, "Mom, it doesn't mean what you think it means. I only wanna be with her for like the school year." And then I said, "Well don't you think girls think it means you love them." And he said, "YES! Girls make a big thing out of everything!" But then he talked about how wonderful she was and how I just didn't like her cuz she was a cheer leader. I wanna believe that he's just jazzed cuz a girl likes him.

Aw...its cool to be the boyfriend of a cheerleader.

But being a cheerleader doesn't have anything to do with inappropriate texts to a boy when you're in Junior High School.

I had the same question as Wingnut. Where is Dad in this?

[Vort]

I would try gently to educate him on the topic of girls and how they act. They are different from boys, less overt, more subtle, and sometimes far more devious and downright vicious. (I would not necessarily put it in those terms.) I might take the tack that she is understanding his actions to mean a lot more than he understands them to mean, and that's not fair to her. Or something like that.

[annewandering]

Does he have other good friends he can talk to? The fact she wants to chat all hours might be her big attraction.

Otherwise it just may be that the doesnt know how to scale their relationship back. It cant be easy to tell a girl who has told you they love you that you are not feeling that way. Its easy to get trapped and feel defensive.

By the way men can be less overt, more subtle and sometimes/often more devious and downright vicious, Vort.

[Wingnut]

less overt, more subtle,

This girl sounds anything but.

[MorningStar]

Well, I'm not sure how "into her" he is. In the txt's he says "love you" a lot. And they text every day and into the night. I talked to him about this too and when asked he said, "Mom, it doesn't mean what you think it means. I only wanna be with her for like the school year." And then I said, "Well don't you think girls think it means you love them." And he said, "YES! Girls make a big thing out of everything!" But then he talked about how wonderful she was and how I just didn't like her cuz she was a cheer leader. I wanna believe that he's just jazzed cuz a girl likes him.

My friend switched to a service that has a lot of parental controls. I think it was AT&T. Her daughter can't send or receive texts after a certain time or on Sundays. If it were me, I would talk to my son about this girl being trouble and he would have to check his phone in with me at a certain time every night.

[Misshalfway]

Yes Dad is really involved. He is on the same page with Morning Star. He updated the txting plan and made a charging station for all the cell phones in the house right in our bedroom.

[MorningStar]

My son asked me recently when it would be OK to kiss a girl. I said, "Well, there's really no point in kissing a girl because it makes you want to have sex, and if you can't have sex until you get married after your mission, that's a long time to torture yourself." He nodded in agreement. We'll see how long he's happy with that answer. :)

[RMGuy]

You cannot control the other child. You can make the parents aware. You can have discussions and talks with your child. For us, we have found that openness, and honesty works well, but it takes time (not something you can simply turn on or off) and it takes understanding. The first time they open up and tell you something you don't want to hear and react badly will be the last time they open up and tell you something you don't like.

-RM