How do I get my mother to back off?

[Backroads]

We do not know what gender of baby we have until the end of the month. We have settled on a girl name (Jade--ain't it sweet?) but a boy name is still up for debate. My husband really wants the name LeGrande after his apparently wonderful, celestial, salt-of-the-earth grandfather (died a few years before we met).

My reaction to the name? Rather neutral. I like old-fashioned names, I've recently seen several cute little boys with this first name, and I like that it means so much to my husband. Not crazy about the sound of the name, but not opposed to it. Personally would prefer it as a middle name. Hence, the name is still up in the air while we search for a boy name we both like.

Shortly after the marriage, my mother--no doubt counting on us to provide her first grandchild--started questioning us on baby names. LeGrande came up even then.

My mother is vehemently opposed to this name. I have rarely seen such passion from her. At first, we were rather amused at her reaction. But it's getting to the point where I'm getting upset about the high emotions over this name. Husband isn't rude, but he's blunt and to-the-point and he and my mother have clashed before personality-wise. There hasn't been a fight yet, but even the friendly, smiling debates over the qualities of this name between Mother and Husband are wearing on my nerves.

If my husband isn't around, my mother constantly brings up the name issue and has lately been trying to make me promise it will not be the baby's name.

I am afraid of an actual fight over this on the horizon--and this isn't even the official boy name yet (and once again, we have no idea yet on the baby's gender).

My preference would be to find some way to tell my mother to back off. And I don't know how to do this without making things worse.

[Anddenex]

You simply just tell her, "This isn't your child, it is mine and my husbands, whether his/her name is (fill the blank) will not be decided by you."

I like the direct approach, it leaves no room for misunderstanding, however it may be wise to approach it with, "Mother, thank you for your thoughts, however (insert statement above).

Then, I would add, if it is a boy, and the name is LeGrande, you will love him no matter what his name is, because he is your grandson.

Once the boundaries are established, she may not like it, but typically this solves the issue...in a manner that she won't bring it up.

[Jenamarie]

"Mom, we're going to pick the name we most like for our children. I will no longer engage in any conversations with you where you try to convince us against using a particular name. If at any time you do not respect this request I will end the conversation, leaving the room or hanging up the telephone if necessary. We are adults, and, more importantly, we are this child's parents. We will do what *we* feel is best for him or her."

Draw your boundary and stick with it. She doesn't have to like it, but she *does* have to respect it if she wants to maintain her relationship with you and her future grand kids. This may seem like a small fight now, but you want to have a firm boundary in place in case she starts disagreeing with you about when you start feeding your baby solids, or what kinds of carseats you're comfortable with using, etc. etc. YOU and your DH are the ones who get to make the decisions about your children. She can offer advice, but you are 100% within your rights to not listen to it.

[Guest]

I agree. It sounds like you just need to be forward with her. Every time she tries to engage you, leave.

When I told my mom what we were thinking of naming our youngest daughter, she reacted pretty negatively to it. My mom minds her business so it was a weird reaction. We used the name anyway. My aunt told me they had a mean relative with the same name, so that explained things. Now my mom seems to equate the name with her sweet little granddaughter, not a mean relative, so it's not an issue anymore.

But even if your mom continues to hate the name, that's her problem.

Your family is your husband and child now. You don't need to be so enmeshed with your extended family that their opinions on your kids' names or where you eat dinner or what you decide to do on the weekend make any difference to you.

[applepansy]

As a Grandparent... and a parent whose mother didn't care of the names I chose...

I think I would first ask her why she is so obviously negative about the name. If she can't give a good reason then gently remind her its not her choice. If she can give a good reason, then evaluate if that reason changes your mind and discuss it with your husband. If you choose to go ahead with the name despite her objections then you remind her that this sweet baby will give her a reason to love the name.

[Backroads]

Thanks for the advice. One of my personal flaws is that I'm a people pleaser. I do think that being afraid of being forward with my mother is one of the problems here. "Afraid" isn't the right word, but I hate the idea of doing something that upsets her (or anyone!) When I mentioned I was rather neutral about the name, that really set her off on the idea that "you really hate it and are still considering it just to please your husband".

I often worry that this personality flaw leads to the impression I'm getting walked all over by someone--thus leading to actually getting walked over.

[Vort]

Female interpersonal relationships are a mystery to me. I generally steer well clear. If you can't just say something like, "Mom, I appreciate your opinion, but Poindexter and I are responsible for naming the baby, and we're going to pick a name we like, and it might be LeGrand", then I really don't know what to tell you.

PS Be sure of the spelling. The only LeGrand I know of is the apostle LeGrand Richards. An "e" on the end of the name LeGrand ("LeGrande") makes it look feminine. If that's how his grandfather's name was actually spelled, then of course that's the spelling you want to use.

[Maureen]

I agree with others, be straightforward with your mom. Let her know that her reaction to the name is putting you in the middle of a crazy situation that isn't even carved in stone yet. Let her know that she really doesn't have to worry until you know the gender and if it turns out to be a girl, all the craziness was all for naught.

My friend gave her daughter a very unusally name (back in the '80s). The grandparents weren't too comfortable with it so the baby was given a nickname that they could call her until they got used to the name. By the time the little girl was 4 years old she realized that she had two names and told her mother which name she preferred; and by that time everyone was used to the name; even me.

M.

[classylady]

I'm like you Backroads in that I try to please people. I'm a peacemaker. And with that personality trait, I find it flabbergasting that someone would be so forceful with their opinions. It's so not me.

I decided long ago that I would support my children. My children have chosen some names for their children that I would never have chosen. They aren't awful names, IMO, just names I wouldn't have chosen. I have not and will not tell my children that I don't care for a particular name. Now, they have asked me out of a list of names, which one I prefer, and I let them know. And, I noticed they didn't pick my choice, haha. That's okay. No matter what name you choose, your mother will love her grandchild.

Sounds like your Mom can be opinionated, and she shares those opinions with others. I'm opinionated too, but somehow I don't find it necessary to be vehement about it. I really think you need to let your Mother know how you're feeling. Let her know that LeGrande may very well be the baby's name, and you need her to support you and your husband. It's okay to let her know that it upsets you that she doesn't like the name. Maybe she'll learn that discretion may be a better way to go.

[applepansy]

Thanks for the advice. One of my personal flaws is that I'm a people pleaser. I do think that being afraid of being forward with my mother is one of the problems here. "Afraid" isn't the right word, but I hate the idea of doing something that upsets her (or anyone!) When I mentioned I was rather neutral about the name, that really set her off on the idea that "you really hate it and are still considering it just to please your husband".

I often worry that this personality flaw leads to the impression I'm getting walked all over by someone--thus leading to actually getting walked over.

Wow!

I'm not sure its your personality flaw but maybe a learned behavior based on your mother's response when she doesn't want you to do something? Has she always reacted in a similar way when you've expressed a desire to do something she didn't like?

[Just_A_Guy]

Just_A_Girl and I made a policy six years ago that we just plain didn't discuss baby names with anyone. Period. People found out what name we were using, when we called them from the hospital announcing the birth.

Took the first two kids to kind of break people in; but by the time Just_A_Kid#3 came along people just sighed, said "I guess you won't be talking names", and changed the subject.

[Backroads]

Wow!

I'm not sure its your personality flaw but maybe a learned behavior based on your mother's response when she doesn't want you to do something? Has she always reacted in a similar way when you've expressed a desire to do something she didn't like?

Yes, she has. She's that way with all seven of us kids. You'd think by now I would have learned to be more opionated in return with her, wouldn't you? But yes, if she doesn't like it and I don't have a strong opinion on it, she assumes I am against it and am being a people pleaser.

Edited October 9, 2012 by Backroads

[Backroads]

Just_A_Girl and I made a policy six years ago that we just plain didn't discuss baby names with anyone. Period. People found out what name we were using, when we called them from the hospital announcing the birth.

Took the first two kids to kind of break people in; but by the time Just_A_Kid#3 came along people just sighed, said "I guess you won't be talking names", and changed the subject.

I like this. Maybe we'll just keep mum on the name until the signing of the birth certificate.

My husband also has the excuse "Backroads will completely out-of-it in the hospital and I'll be holding the microphone at the blessing."

Yes, I can be a people pleaser, but I've always been attracted to those who are opinionated--most of my favorite people are that way.

[NeuroTypical]

Yep - you and your husband present a unified front. Whatever you and hubby , it's your decision and if mom has a problem, she can be the grandma that always calls him Ted or something. Not the end of the world.

Be grateful that grandpa wasn't named Florian or Ariel or Rory or some such.

[Backroads]

Be grateful that grandpa wasn't named Florian or Ariel or Rory or some such.

My own great-great grandfather was Ariel.

He did have a namesake.

SHE is currently serving as a SISTER missionary.

Wonder what Grandpa Ariel thinks of the re-gendering of his name.

[applepansy]

Yes, she has. She's that way with all seven of us kids. You'd think by now I would have learned to be more opionated in return with her, wouldn't you? But yes, if she doesn't like it and I don't have a strong opinion on it, she assumes I am against it and am being a people pleaser.

Do you realize that is a passive-agressive behavior?

Stop letting her control your feelings now or it will get worse in the future. You're not 5, 10 or 17. You're an adult with a husband. This isn't about people pleasing, this is about control.

[Vort]

My own great-great grandfather was Ariel.

He did have a namesake.

SHE is currently serving as a SISTER missionary.

Wonder what Grandpa Ariel thinks of the re-gendering of his name.

I work with a woman named James. James V (as in "the Fifth"), to be precise. Obviously, dear old dad wanted to carry on the family tradition, and he wasn't going to let a little thing like lack of a son stop him.

[Backroads]

Do you realize that is a passive-agressive behavior?

Stop letting her control your feelings now or it will get worse in the future. You're not 5, 10 or 17. You're an adult with a husband. This isn't about people pleasing, this is about control.

While I do think I needed to hear this (so thanks), I don't feel that my feelings are being warped--I'm mainly just frustrated she does this. (Despite my people pleasing habits, I'm also known as being the family member who does whatever she wants, which could be why she fears the name so much). She can be very good when people are more opinionted. I'm guessing she uses ambivalence to force her opinion.

[NeuroTypical]

Btw, moving 663.8 miles away from her parents, was one of the greatest decisions my wife and I ever made together. She did not agree with that statement for several years. Nowadays, she believes it more strongly than I ever did.

A lot of problems occasionally just solve themselves by sticking a big honkin' mountain range in between you and some other people.

[Guest]

I miss having mountains between us and. . . some people we're related to.

[Vort]

Btw, moving 663.8 miles away from her parents, was one of the greatest decisions my wife and I ever made together. She did not agree with that statement for several years. Nowadays, she believes it more strongly than I ever did.

A lot of problems occasionally just solve themselves by sticking a big honkin' mountain range in between you and some other people.

Good fences make good neighbors...

[Jenamarie]

When it comes to being a "people pleaser" remember that YOU are a "people" too.

My middle child has an unusual name. We kept mum about it until he was born. Nobody could raise any objections by that point, and because of the mountain ranges a previous poster mentioned, we didn't have to hear anyone's grumblings. The only time we heard a whisper of a negative opinion was when one aunt admitted that his name had "grown on her" the first time she finally got to meet him. Babies can make anything cute.

[MorningStar]

All you can do is come up with a list of names way worse than LeGrande and then the name will sound good to her. My mom didn't like my daughter's name at first when I mentioned it years ago and I told her, "It will grow on you." My brother has a policy of not talking about baby names at all. That way he and his wife just tell everyone what they have already named the baby and they can't complain.

[beefche]

All you can do is come up with a list of names way worse than LeGrande and then the name will sound good to her. My mom didn't like my daughter's name at first when I mentioned it years ago and I told her, "It will grow on you."

Yep, just look to the celebrities to pick an awful name. Rumor, Blanket, Apple, Tennessee, Inspector Pilot, Moon Unit, Dweezil......

[MorningStar]

"Mom, I would like you to meet your grandson. His name is Barf Bowl. Just kidding! It's LeGrande! Aren't you happy?"