Feeling Betrayed

[NeuroTypical]

People, please. This is busfeliz' first time here, maybe we can respect her thread and not fall on each other like a pack of wolves?

This is not directed at anyone specifically. Just a polite reminder of the site rules - especially rules #3 and #4:

3. Personal attacks, name calling, flaming, and judgments against other members will not be tolerated.

4. No bickering and nit-picking toward others. Realize that sometimes it is very difficult to be able to express how one feels through written words. Please be courteous and ask for a further explanation, rather then trying to attack and find holes in someone else's post.

[busfeliz]

Boudoir photos shot of women by a man = inappropriate, in my opinion.

Boudoir photos + personal emails + flirtations over text = very, very concerning.

Listen to your intuition. You already whether his behavior is acceptable without asking strangers.

(Incidentally, Mark Mabry's story of how his career hit a standstill until he listened to the Spirit and got away from "art" photography with immodest people and fashion photography and that kind of thing, is really a great and inspirational thing. He spoke at Time Out for Women a few years ago, and it was a strong testimony of how making sacrifices to live and work within the Lord's bounds brings peace and great blessings.)

I am very interested in Mark Mabry's story...is there an article that talks about his journey or a youtube video of his talk that you know of?

[Guest]

I am very interested in Mark Mabry's story...is there an article that talks about his journey or a youtube video of his talk that you know of?

I haven't been able to find anything but this little clip, where he just refers to "some changes": Mark Mabry: Reflections of Christ

I heard him speak at Time Out for Women in 2009. The changes he talked about were after he was having little success making it as a commercial photographer. He really wanted to get into fashion photography. His biggest aspiration was to have has work appear in Vogue. As he and his wife prayed for help, his first answer was to change the music he was listening to (I can't remember what he was changing from specifically, but he said it wasn't at all uplifting). Then he felt strongly to get rid of a lot of his art books, because of the types of pictures many of them had (scantily- or not-clad women). Then the inspiration to drop the fashion photog ambitions entirely, and do the Reflections of Christ project, which seemed nuts at the time because he had no financial backing or anything. But it obviously grew to be a great success, and he talked about how his life had been greatly blessed since, in other ways. I think he's a pretty successful photographer now, doing family photog and such in between bigger projects.

He had to run off early because he got a call that his wife was in labor.

[Vort]

People, please. This is busfeliz' first time here, maybe we can respect her thread and not fall on each other like a pack of wolves?

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

[Finrock]

Good evening Vort. I hope you've been enjoying your day! :)

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

I didn't quite "laugh out loud" so I couldn't give you Laughing props.

Regards,

Finrock

[Vort]

I didn't quite "laugh out loud" so I couldn't give you Laughing props.

Any props go to Jack Handey.

[Suzie]

My husband took up photography as a hobby. He started photographing beautiful women. I didn't like this but I didn't protest because he felt like he finally found something that he was good at and was getting a lot of praise for it. I drew the line at budoir photos though. About a week ago, he lied to me and told me he was taking regular photos when it was acutally a budoir photo shoot. I found out because I found some e-mails back and forth between my husband and this woman. I found other messages from women that I considered inappropriate. I am so crushed by this. Am I overreacting? I really do feel as though he cheated on me. How do I trust him again? I have so much anxiety now, all I can think about is what he is doing and who has he talked to and why. Who has been text messaging him and why. Today I even found myself trying to hack into his facebook account.

Overreacting? No. It seems like he took the hobby on purpose. It doesn't seem also like he is a professional photographer. A true professional will not act this way, I know generally speaking people have a hard time understanding that photographers, doctors, actors DO have the ability to perform their duties without letting their emotions interfering.

[hbrdba]

Standards and Relationships work great, but when standards and relationships are in conflict you have a choice to make.

Do I hold on to the relationship or the standard. Either will result in pain. If you hold to the relationship with this behavior you will have a never ending gut ache, just like you have now, did I say, never ending gut ache! If you hod to your standard, you will have a gut ache, but it will not be for ever.

Your standard will always attract the relationships you want in life. Is it your standard to put up with his behavior? No! you have a different standard because you have concerns. Your relationship is headed for a disaster!

YOU HAVE TO CHOSE BETWEEN THE TWO. Will you hold to the standard or the relationship. By following this policy it will create the following on both sides: Commitment, accountability, responsibility, integrity, and self respect. That's on both side, it's not one sided.

Edited March 27, 2013 by pam

[busfeliz]

Oh how the saga continues. I just found out last night that a few months ago my husband was up late talking to someone online and it got out of hand and she ended up sending completely nude photos of herself to him. I want to confront the girl but my husband won't let me because she is a public figure and he doesn't want to make a big deal out of it.

[Dravin]

I have to say that I side with your husband on the side of non-confrontation (though not necessarily for the same reasons). I suppose going on the offensive against this women would have some sort of cathartic value but I'm not sure that anything productive would come from it. You're struggling with establishing appropriate boundaries concerning relationships in your marriage aren't you? He's within your circle of influence, she isn't, and as a practical matter he needs to be the limiter of relationships.

[Windseeker]

I think the issue is with your husband and not her. By focusing on her in a way your excusing your husband of his responsability. Your husband should never be up late talking to another female...period.

But hey, I like it when these public figures get pwnd, so yea by all means send these pictures to every news and media agency you can think of. She obviously has very very poor judgement.

[mdfxdb]

How is your husband going to stop you? I don't agree that you need to confront her. Your husband needs to take responsibility for his actions, and his part.

Your husband can't stop you from doing anything you want to do. What is he going to do? Leave you? Based on what grounds? Because you confronted someone he was inappropriate with?

I would not confront the other woman. Doing that will not modify his behavior. You will benefit nothing from it in the long run. If you are going to confront someone then confront your husband, make him take responsibility for his actions, hold him to account.

Keep in mind this is just the stuff you discovered/he told you about. What else is there that you don't know about?

[Guest]

Here's my 2 cents adjusted for inflation:

This addresses all the problems in the marriage mentioned so far (PTSD, lying, etc.). Be his partner, not his mother. That means, change your perspective from You versus Him to Your Marriage versus Temptation/Wrongdoing.

How this works:

1.) First talk about the situation and agree on which is right and which is wrong (set boundaries). This is not a fight. This is a brainstorming session. Use gospel topics or scriptures or words of prophets to guide you in determing right from wrong. Discuss with love and the Spirit. Agree on it. If he says, but I don't find anything wrong with taking nekked pictures. Don't say, You're a perv! No. Instead try to understand why he thinks so and then patiently explain to him why it is wrong using gospel principles. It is okay to say, "because it hurts me" as a reason why it is wrong. Discuss until an agreement is made. Compromise if necessary.

2.) When your husband makes a mistake, he needs to be comfortable about coming to you and admitting that he made the mistake. When he sees you as his partner that can help him overcome the wrongdoing, he will be more open to discussing the problem. If he sees you as his mother who will mete out punishment for his wrongdoing, it makes it much easier to hide things. Usually, people do not want to feel small even if it is well deserved. Try not to see it as something he did to hurt you (Him versus You). Instead, see it as something he did to hurt the marriage (Wrongdoing versus Both of You). It changes things when you see this is something that is not only hurting you but hurting him as well (even if he doesn't see that it hurts him too). This also applies when you find out he did something wrong instead of him telling you about it.

3.) When he comes to you, see the problem as Both of You versus the Problem. Not You versus your Husband. This changes the tone of the discussion. It becomes - how can WE solve this so that it will not happen again. What can I do to help you.

4.) Love your husband not the wrongdoing. Love your husband with all your heart. Love brings compassion. Compassion brings forgiveness. Love is Charity.

That's all I have to say about that.

Edited April 23, 2013 by anatess

[NeuroTypical]

Busfeliz, get a lawyer.

I'm sorry.

[busfeliz]

I need some closure. I feel like I need to know what he said to her, I need to see the pictures and the. I need to let her know that what she did was wrong and if she gets stripped of her title then she needs to suffer the consequences of her actions. I am going through so much anxiety that I couldn't even work today! It is consuming me. I feel like the only way to get closure and move on is to know exactly what happened and allow her to suffer whatever consequences may arise.

[mdfxdb]

I don't know you, but I feel for you. You are too concentrated on "her" the other woman, and not concentrated on your husband. Forget her, she's not the problem. Your husband is the problem. How will her consequence enhance your marriage? How will her fall from whatever position she has benefit you or your marriage?

Your husband needs to come clean, his life, like yours should be an open book. If he is unwilling to share his texts/conversations/photos of and with this woman then you can only assume the worst. In general people involved in this type of behavior have more to hide than they let on. You are likely only seeing the tip of the iceberg.

Your husband protecting her because she is a public figure is a sign that more was going on than just pictures. Why is he protecting her? She's not his wife? She's nobody to him right? Right? Really your husband is trying to protect himself because he is selfish. Oh yeah, there is probably more to this than what you know and he is scrambling for cover.

Edited April 23, 2013 by mdfxdb
add'l info

[busfeliz]

I confronted the girl that he took budoir photos of and I don't regret it at all. I simply sent her a message asking her to cut all ties with my husband. I asked her to please never speak to him again because what he did with her was I direct violation of a promise that he made to me. She said she totally u sees told and apologized. And never responded to my husband ever again, even after he sent her an apology. So I felt like I got some closure with that situation. I certainly don't blame this girl but I am glad I confronted her I feel much better.

[mdfxdb]

I confronted the girl that he took budoir photos of and I don't regret it at all. I simply sent her a message asking her to cut all ties with my husband. I asked her to please never speak to him again because what he did with her was I direct violation of a promise that he made to me. She said she totally u sees told and apologized. And never responded to my husband ever again, even after he sent her an apology. So I felt like I got some closure with that situation. I certainly don't blame this girl but I am glad I confronted her I feel much better.

You might feel better after confronting her, but did it stop your husband from texting and getting naked pics of another? How does that make you feel? You might feel better after a confrontation (if it goes your way), but it's not a solution to the long term agony you are set up for if your husband doesn't change his ways.

[busfeliz]

He says because she is a public figure that he doesn't want to put our family out there to be Involved in whatever ensues. I'm sure part of it is to save face but he doesn't want to start a media frenzy that could prolong the hurt that I am already feeling. And he doesn't want me to see the texts or pics because he feels it will just haunt me forever

[busfeliz]

The naked text actually happened before the budoir photoshoot he has just been keeping it from me.

[mdfxdb]

I don't know her position in the community, but it doesn't exempt him from consequence. So, let me get this straight, he commits a sin and now he's trying to "protect" you?

What about when he actually has an affair and brings some disease home? Will that be protecting you too?

He's "protecting" you by not showing you the pics? So I guess you should thank him because you should feel better not knowing the whole truth? It's one thing to be satisfied at his word and having the choice to look or not look at the pictures, it's something else completely to not be able to have access. He is making the decision for you, you are giving him all the power. I suggest you put a stop to it and make your own decision as to the type of protection you need.

I suggest he is protecting himself from consequence.... The dates don't matter, and the fact that these pics pre-date the budouir pics is of little consequence because he is clearly a repeat offender. Why would he keep this from you?

He doesn't want to tell the truth. He is only telling you enough to make you complacent. He is only telling you these things because he got caught...

Tip of the iceberg....

Edited April 23, 2013 by mdfxdb

[busfeliz]

Is it healthy to look at them or will it just make me more upset in the long run?

[Dravin]

Wait... He still has the picture? It's still sitting on his phone? Why on earth didn't he delete it upon realizing what it was?

[mdfxdb]

Is it healthy to look at them or will it just make me more upset in the long run?

I can't tell you the answer to that. The real question is could you look at if you wanted to, or is he stopping you?

If he tries to stop you, then he is trying to control and manipulate the situation. There should be an open book policy.

[busfeliz]

When he began texting her he felt it was vey innocent. He talks to a lot of people. He is very social. When the conversation turned inappropriate he made a decision not to stop the conversation right there. He knew at that point he was making a wrong decision. He said he just let her talk about her sexual experiences and he did not really respond. Just short sentences like, "oh really that's interesting" he admits that he was curious to see how far she would go. He knows this was wrong. When she took it further and actually sent him pictures he was surprised. He told her that he just wanted to talk and wasnt interested I that and stopped talking to her and never did again. He kept the evidence because he was afraid that because she was a public figure who was obviously seeking attention and when he didn't give her everything that she wanted she might retaliate and set him up. So he kept the evidence to prove that she came on to him. He used to be a police officer so it is very common for him to save emails and record conversations as evidence.