Torn after 4 years of Dating, Follow head or Heart?

[MDFair]

A little background: I am a single father of 3 boys. I have been divorced for 7 years and I have had full custody of my boys for 4 years. I am in my mid 30s and my boys are 15, 12, and 8

There is a woman I have dated on and off for the past 4+ years. (more on than off). She is also divorced and never had any children of her own. She is very independent and values her career and her free time. We have talked about marriage for several years but we are never on quite the same page. At times I have been ready and wanted marriage and at times she has but I wasn't feeling ready. We have struggled to find middle ground on many issues; mostly logistical like where to live and how to blend the family. She likes where she lives and is close to her work; and that is her comfort zone. I live about 20 miles away and my kids and I have established our social network and the kids don't really want to move schools; in fact I feel guilty and selfish trying to make them. She doesn't want to move by me and I don't want to move by her.

Last fall she felt prompted that things were right between us and that we should get married; and I felt prompted that it was time to move on (although at other times I thought it was right). We are NEVER on the same page and have had multiple role reversals. For the past 5 months we have kind of been in limbo trying to make the right decision for everyone. It has been tough.

She has been my best friend for the past 4+ years. We have so many things in common it is almost uncanny; and I know I will never find someone like her. I know that I love her. But she is independent and I am not sure she is really ready to jump in the mix with me a and 3 boys. My boys need a mother though.

I have fasted at least twice a month and prayed about it every day for 5 months. I have spoken with my bishop on multiple occasions. I simply can not come up with an answer that feels right.

My heart says I love her; but my head says it will not work and that we are never on the same page. I feel like it is time to just make a decision and stick with it; but with so much on the line it is a hard one. If it was right would it be this hard?

Any advice?

[CalledToServe]

Jesus did all He did out of love and so I always advise people to follow their hearts. You are in a very difficult situation, though, and there are more things pulling at your heart than just this woman, namely your three boys. While you are not committed to her yet, you are committed to them. You might consider what the best way to show love to them is.

[Vort]

Think with the heart and with the upper head. That advice seems to have been solid for the majority of cases.

[Windseeker]

My experience - Divorced with two boys and two girls who are with me, remarried now 5 years. My wife is a dual degree PhD and physician and starts a 3 year fellowship in Cardiology this summer. She is in her 30’s and I’m in my 40’s. She is also very independant, focused and very driven.

I chose to move to drag my kids across the country to be with her and it was the best decision I could have made. All the kids best friends are members of the Church here. Where we grew up in the NW my kids had no friends in the Church. Having friends in the Church at their age is a huge blessing. My kids were having allot of struggles in their lives and moving provided a fresh start.

My wife joined our family and has done everything she can to provide for the comfort and wellbeing of my kids. She commutes by motorcycle 40 miles daily in horrible Florida traffic and Florida drivers so that we can live in a safe area that’s close to my work. She would drop her Cardiology fellowship in a heartbeat (pun intended) if it was in the best interest of our family and that is something she has dreamed about and worked her tail off for the last 16 years in order to achieve. When she is finished in four years we will consider what is best for the family and either stay here or go back to the NW.

My wife is amazing but we have been thru some serious ups and downs and most of our arguments have been about how she responds and reacts to the kids. Having the tenacity and drive she has does not make her very nurturing or patient with our kids. It’s very easy for her to feel like an unwelcome outsider and to feel cornered.

But I’ve seen her growing in that respect every day. She is recognizing how her stress at work can affect the family and I’ve appreciated her effort to separate work and family life. We have gotten thru these conflicts and though I’m certain there will be more conflict in our future we are growing in our love towards each other and it’s improving the feeling in our home.

Now I’m just some dude on the internet, so take all I’ve say with a grain of salt. I’m basing this off of what you said.

I see lots of warning signs..her not wanting to move and not being on the same page. Her showing the slightest reluctance to moving for the sake of your sons says she doesn’t get it. If you feel prompted to move that’s different. You’ve also stated you got your answer, so think about how you’re going to feel when you encounter a major conflict together. I can't stress how important communication is and good communication is something you both ought to be working towards and it can't be one sided.

My advice is that you need to focus on the needs of your sons first until they are grown and out of the house.

“No success can compensate for failure in the home”, you both at least need to be on that page if you consider moving forward.

Sorry this post may sound disjointed but it’s 3:28am in the morning, I woke up because I thought the raccoon was getting into our dog food again and I couldn’t get back to sleep…but now I’m passing out…so

I wish you the best.

Edited March 12, 2013 by Windseeker

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I'm having a argument with myself whether or not to offer advice to you.

Part of me says I don't have enough information, and this is a serious matter. And yet, I feel strongly about what I feel...so bare in mind that I am "just some stranger" on the Internet that probably doesn't have enough information.

I think whatever you do, right now, your boys need to come first. They've been through a lot already (not saying that is your fault, not at all). I understand that they need a mother and you want to help them with that, but just because YOU get married does NOT mean your boys will have a mother.

I had two step-fathers growing up. The first abused me, and the second had potential if he had not been an alcoholic. So based on my experiences, I'm very cautious about step-parents. I think it is hard for people to love some else's children in the way that the children deserve to be loved. While saying that I remind myself that my sister's second husband has been an answer to prayer...he is a much better father to her kids than their biological father. And I do know other wonderful step-parent scenarios too...but the point is, it's not something everyone is cut out for. To be honest, I don't think I could be a very good step-mom.

Once again...I probably don't have enough information to say this...but I can't help but think that if your girlfriend loved your kids in the way that would make a good step-parent, she would be worrying about them having a mother too....and be willing to make sacrifices to make that happen. That does not seem to be the case from what you described.

I really hope you won't uproot your kids to move to be with her...the marriage itself would be difficult enough, without the disruption of the rest of their lives. Also uprooting them would likely cause resentment on their part that would negatively affect their acceptance of her.

To put it bluntly, I don't think you should marry this woman. BUT remember I am just some stranger on the Internet that should probably stay out of this...you asked though, and that is my answer.

[Windseeker]

One more thought, now that I'm fully awake.

Just because you Love someone doesn't mean you marry them.

[MarginOfError]

Here's how I approach difficult decisions. You may take this advice or leave it.

Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. (D&C 8:2)

But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong (D&C 9:9)

First, I don't make major life decisions unless it feels right in both the mind and heart.

Next, If I can't decide on something--if I keep going back and forth on the decision--I consider that a stupor of thought. I don't interpret "cause you to forget" as the Lord miraculously making me forget what I was thinking about, but more along the lines of "I have the stupor of thought, therefore I should probably forget about or move on from what I am considering."

To me, it sounds like you're experiencing the stupor.

[MDFair]

Thanks to all for your kind and insightful responses: You have already given many me many more aspects to consider..

As a follow up, she is not totally unwilling to relocate; she wants to compromise somewhere in the middle of our vicinities. The reason she wants to stay close to where she currently resides is because of her "part time job" She is an instructor at a gym and she loves it; I can not ask her to give that up. It requires her to be there very early in the morning. Her drive and dedication is one of the things that attracted me to her. On the other hand my boys have been through a lot and I have asked them about moving schools to which most of the time they respond that they don't want to move school. ( Unless they had a bad day for some reason.) My drive and dedication is to my kids.

I guess maybe I have my answer; it is just a hard decision. I need to give her an answer and we need to head one direction or another because she deserves to have a family of her own. I do feel that she is kind of giving up the opportunity of a family for a part time fun job, and she thinks I am unwilling to compromise. It is not that I am unwilling to move; I am just not feeling that it is in the best interest of the kids.

[Windseeker]

I do feel that she is kind of giving up the opportunity of a family for a part time fun job, and she thinks I am unwilling to compromise.

It would be a real compromise if you were two single people, but your not. You see that, it will be years and years before she tunes into that.

And thats the fun of blended families and probably illustrates one of the the advantage of marrying someone with kids. They understand on a deep level the committment required.

By marrying you, your spouse is missing out on that time when it's just her loving a man that is focused on meeting her needs. Instead she is marring a guy that whenever she suggests anything has to deal with that "pause", where he has to consider all the needs of each of his kids. She may not feel loved at those times.

My wife never having kids had to get used to simple things we never really think about.

People knowing about stuff thru the kids. She had to recognize that the kids are individuals and they have every right to discuss their lives and things that impact their lives with friends etc. If you don't want them sharing something we discuss openly as a family then you need to tell them to waite.

Kids being kids, trying to get away with doing as little as possible (at least my kids) when it comes to jobs, chores and maintenance (brushing teeth, cleaning rooms etc).

Dishes being put in the different places depending on whose putting them away and generally stuff being used and not put away. Kids have to be taught this stuff.

Bottom line when we first got married my kids were held in contempt for just being kids. All these things are annoying but she lacked the understanding that these are things the kids learn as we teach them and they grow up. I have had to not just forgive but to love someone that hurt my kids feelings and that has been a real challenge. It's no wonder she felt alone and felt treated like an enemy at times from the whole family.

She didn't like the kids sitting next to me when we watched movies so I always just made room for her, years later she got upset at me becuase she thought I was trying to seperate her from the kids by always sitting next to her in Sacrament meeting and not letting the kids sit inbetween us..lol

Anyway something else you should consider is that the longer you have been a single parent with your kids the more difficult it will be to bring someone in while they are still at home. I read this in a book on blended families.

As I said it hasn't been easy but I've watched my wifes patience and love for the kids grow. We have a long way to go but I see improvement.

Just some things to consider I guess.

I have a friend who went thru almost exactly what I did, he married a girl with 4 kids and with his 4 they have 8. They are very happy and doing great.

Tuning in to the challenges my wife has to face joining our family has made me love her more and I appreciate her sacrifice and dedication. I have grown in understanding and love for all who raise children not their own.

[mnn727]

Don't have a hard answer for you, just more things to consider:

Unless they are having problems kids will never want to move from their current school.

At 15, 12 and 8 they have time to make new friends.

How would the move affect you? (drive to work, price of housing, etc)

How would she be as a mother to your children (to me at least) MUST be your number one priority (I am assuming there is love for each other on both sides already) - you are responsible for these kids so if you're bringing a mother figure into their life, then you and her must be on the same page about how you combine this family and how to raise the kids and what kind of joint face will you show to the kids..

Now for my personal opinion from one thing you said:

My PERSONAL opinion is that a 'part time fun job' does not trump kids - it sounds selfish to me (of course I am just getting that from one sentance you wrote).

Edited March 12, 2013 by mnn727

[mrmarklin]

This is not a relationship made in heaven. You are ignoring a lot of red flags in this relationship, and I'm only reading YOUR side of it!!

Move On. Plenty of fish in the sea.

[NeuroTypical]

Do what is best for your boys. 2nd marriages have a higher divorce rate than first. You'd be introducing another mother figure into their lives. They've already had the grown ups in their life destroy the environment and upbringing they deserved once. Don't do it to them a second time.

Choose wisely. You are teaching them and molding their futures with your choices.

[MorningStar]

There are other gyms she could work at. When I moved home while my husband and I were dating, he was devastated. He signed up for the military, came to visit, proposed, and we were married three months later. Two months after that, he went to boot camp and I drove to Texas with a woman I barely knew, we slept in a truck a couple nights, and some nasty hotels. That's how much I wanted to be with him.

[MDFair]

@mnn727,

As far as the move. Not much would change for me, my commute to work would be comparable and housing would comparable as well. The biggest change would be for the kids.

The kids do love her and she is good would them; but I would see a problem that I feel she is used to having much more free time than most parents have. Another concern..

Again thanks for everyone's input.

[Guest]

Does she want to be their mother? I think that's the biggest question. Whatever her other qualities are, if she's not fully invested in the task of helping you raise your children, and all that she will sacrifice to do that, you'll all be in for a very rough road.

[MDFair]

Does she want to be their mother? I think that's the biggest question. Whatever her other qualities are, if she's not fully invested in the task of helping you raise your children, and all that she will sacrifice to do that, you'll all be in for a very rough road.

She says she does yes.. She felted prompted that this was her answer since last October.

[skippy740]

Your kids didn't choose this. Yes, they are young, but they are only young once. They need to keep their 'roots', IMO.

Therefore, I believe it is highly inappropriate to make your kids sacrifice for your 2nd marriage, and inappropriate for your 'fiance' to require you to move AT ALL.

If she can't see herself being with you and your children where you live now... that's a problem.

If she's this inflexible with geography... imagine where else in life she will be inflexible... in particular, with your children. She will have resentment issues if she can't understand and get totally 100% behind this.

I sense a lot of resentment to be built up if this moves forward.

[MorningStar]

This is my personal opinion, but I think when families blend, it's wise to move to a new home so they have a neutral territory without any history from previous marriages. Not necessarily to a new town, but it's awkward for a new spouse to move in and feel like they are a guest in someone else's home. I've had friends who felt like they couldn't make any changes to add their personal touch.

[mdfxdb]

no-one has mentioned the fact that you have been dating for 4 years, and still haven't come to a marriage resolution. Long courtships are fine, but you might have crossed in to "too long" territory. At some point both parties have to move on with their life. I think you are at this point.

[Roseslipper]

I didnt read most of the posts above.But I think you already know what to do!!!!

[EarlJibbs]

So let me get this straight. She says something like "let's compromise" and suggests that you both move thus making it difficult for everyone. You, her, and your children?

This to me doesn’t make sense. You have more to lose by moving. She just has an inconvenience of a longer drive time to a part time job. From what has been said on the post (as I also do not have all of the information) the "compromise" seems lopsided. Your children will already have a lot to deal with step mom coming into their life’s. They should not have to move not that far away so that step mom doesn’t have be further from her part time job. Those are my thoughts, however. Good luck!

[Full_Monte]

If after 4 years, you still aren't sure, go your separate ways. This pushing and pulling won't improve after you are married. As difficult as it may be, you need to listen to your brain. It's not a time for an emotional decision.

[BadWolf]

You said your children "need" a mother.

This is a hard lesson from my own life, with the sexes reversed:

Better no mother, than a bad mother.

Follow your heart.

As long as your kids are first in your heart, you'll be fine.

Because no one else is going to look out for them if you don't.

Edited March 25, 2013 by BadWolf
Serious slash & burn