Feeling anger toward Bishop - divorce

[MIssB]

I am having a really difficult time letting go of some anger that I feel toward my former Bishop. My husband and I separated a couple of months ago. The day that my husband told me that he no longer wanted to be married to me I called our Bishop. We met with our Bishop twice, but my husband still wanted out of the marriage.

The Bishop recommended that we just take our time and not make any big decisions right away. He also suggested counseling, but my husband wasn't interested. Here's where my anger comes...

1.) The Bishop never once said that you don't throw away a temple marriage. He never said that you should fight for a temple marriage.

2.) I told the Bishop that we were no longer praying together as a couple or reading scriptures together. He never recommended that we do those things. I still don't get why he wouldn't suggest that we go back to the basics with that. He never even asked my husband if he would try to do those things on his own.

I don't know if my husband would have done those things even if he would have been asked by the Bishop, but I just can't seem to let it go. I just don't understand why he wouldn't have said that you don't give up on a temple marriage. I don't understand why he wouldn't have suggested praying, reading, and fasting. That is just so weird to me. I feel like I am the only person whoever said those things to my husband.

I am trying so hard not to get stuck in these feelings and emotions because it won't help me move forward, but it's hard. There's not one part of this process that isn't hard.

Any thoughts on this or advice for letting go of the anger that I feel about this?

[pam]

I don't understand why you are blaming your Bishop if you knew that these are things you should be doing.

[MIssB]

Clarification:

I was reading and praying. My husband would no longer do those things with me. (He wasn't doing them on his own either.) I don't understand why the Bishop didn't suggest or even ask him to try doing those things. I guess I don't think someone would "see" their spouse in eternity if they weren't doing the things they needed to be doing to grow their relationship with the Lord.

[classylady]

Sometimes it's easier to place the blame on someone or something, rather than place the blame where it belongs. It isn't the Bishop's fault that your husband isn't doing the things that he should be doing. That all rests squarely on your husband's shoulders. Sounds like you were hoping the Bishop would offer more constructive/spiritual advice. Your Bishop is human. He isn't trained in marriage counseling. He simply may have been surprised, and didn't know how to help you. For all we know, he may even be having second thoughts, and wishes that he had said just the things you wish he had. I often second-guess myself. And when I'm "under the gun", I often forget the things that I probably should say to someone. Perhaps, the same thing happened to your Bishop. No one knows why the Bishop didn't say what you thought he should say. For all we know, he may have felt restrained from mentioning those things. It does no good to have such feelings of anger towards him. It doesn't hurt him. It only hurts yourself, and drives away the Spirit from you.

[NeuroTypical]

MissB, I'm so sorry. Divorce is usually pretty horrible.

The Bishop never once said...

He never said...

He never recommended...

He never even asked my husband if...

I just don't understand why he wouldn't have said...

Any thoughts on this or advice for letting go of the anger that I feel about this?

There are usually feelings of anger during a divorce. They usually have to get pointed somewhere. Inward, towards the spouse, towards someone or something else. What can I say? Emotions are what they are. You will move through them. They will change over time.

Did the bishop ever meet with your husband one on one? Has anyone from the church done so?

[Bini]

I actually get what you're saying. You feel that if some of these things were emphasised on from the bishop, there might have been a chance that your husband would have listened. I think your feelings are valued but no good will they do you now. Hope you're able to focus on yourself and your own healing process, best wishes.

[ElectofGod]

Bini gives a good point.

If I was a bishop I would never give reason 1 unless I felt I really needed to. Why? Because only the Lord knows that answer. My wife was divorced and IT WAS the right thing for her to get out of it. Though it wasn't her choice as he left her, she should have done so long before the 2 years she was together.

There is no blatant "fight for the marriage" or "don't fight for the marriage" answer. I wouldn't have a clue what to say being a bishop and probably be on the quieter side. Whether he was right or not, all you can do now is pray to overcome the ill feelings. Pray to gain love back towards him, specifically ASK GOD to allow yourself to forgive him. Also your spouse even though the spouse was the one that left. If you can do that, the Lord will bless you greatly.

[Just_A_Guy]

Hi MissB -

It would have been nice if your bishop had had the presence of mind to recommend those things. On the other hand--sometimes people (even Bishops) just freeze up when they're put on-the-spot.

For what it's worth--it sounds like your bishop did give the most important bit of advice, which was not to do anything rash and to get counseling. If your husband had properly followed that advice, he'd still be with you today and your bishop would have had time to review these other issues in a third or fourth interview.

If your husband wasn't willing to listen to the Bishop's advice to cool down, or to get counseling; then he probably wasn't going to start reading his scriptures or doing family prayers either.

[mnn727]

The problem is with you and your husband, if you wanted something said, then you should have said them.

"take our time and not make any big decisions right away. He also suggested counseling," is really good advise, which from what you posted it doesn't seem like your husband took, what makes you think he would have taken any other advise?

You have anger and I understand that, you have a right to feel anger, but please don't misplace it. Your divorce is not your Bishops fault.

Edited June 27, 2013 by mnn727

[Bini]

The problem is with you and your husband, if you wanted something said, then you should have said them.

The problem with this, in my own experience with my divorce, is that sometimes you need a middleman to help communication between parties. If I had thrown out a long list of things I wanted my ex-husband to fix or do, he would have shut off like a switch, and totally tuned out. So having a proactive bishop or counselor involved to address certain issues and ask certain questions, helped a lot, and it felt less like I was directly attacking him.

[mnn727]

The problem with this, in my own experience with my divorce, is that sometimes you need a middleman to help communication between parties. If I had thrown out a long list of things I wanted my ex-husband to fix or do, he would have shut off like a switch, and totally tuned out. So having a proactive bishop or counselor involved to address certain issues and ask certain questions, helped a lot, and it felt less like I was directly attacking him.

Perhaps she should have handed the Bishop a list of what she wanted him to say then.

Sorry, but the Bishop is not the cause of this failed marriage.

[Bini]

Sorry, but the Bishop is not the cause of this failed marriage.

I agree and I never said he was, if you were referring that comment to me.

[MIssB]

I don't blame the Bishop for my marriage failing. I was simply stating that I was disappointed that the didn't recommend the basics. There could be many, many reasons why he didn't do it. Like I said, I don't know if that would have made a difference.

Bini - I guess that's what I wanted - someone who was removed from the situation to suggest some of those things. I think hearing it from the Bishop might have had a stronger impact than me saying it. Believe me I did ask my husband to do those things, but he wouldn't.

I'm not seeing complete red all the time or anything. Mostly I'm disappointed in the way things turned out and I do feel angry that nobody else (Bishop or otherwise) said the hard things to my husband.

Thanks for the feedback. I don't think I was very clear in expressing my feelings. I obviously need to just work through them.

[mdfxdb]

I agree that Bishop is not at fault. He suggested counseling. Your husband didn't do that. Why would he have done anything else? Bishops are just guys, they aren't trained for counseling. They do the best they can with their life experience, or lack thereof.

[MorningStar]

Chances are, your bishop thought you deserved better than him.

[rameumptom]

The problems in your marriage are not your bishop's fault. He is not an expert in family matters. He is just a righteous man that was called to a position he is not totally ready for. Chances are good he is not a seminary/Institute teacher or a marriage counselor, so he is trying to give you advice in areas he is not experienced.

[Bini]

Chances are, your bishop thought you deserved better than him.

This could be true.

[pam]

The problems in your marriage are not your bishop's fault. He is not an expert in family matters. He is just a righteous man that was called to a position he is not totally ready for. Chances are good he is not a seminary/Institute teacher or a marriage counselor, so he is trying to give you advice in areas he is not experienced.

I'm not sure how seminary/institute teacher can be compared to a marriage counselor.

[Palerider]

Marriage counseling was always challenging and hard. You tried to stay neutral and you find out one said you seemed to take a side. You try to find out thru talking with couple if the marriage can be saved and if both want to work at it. I could go on and on with this. As a Bishop you have the Church Counselor thru LDS Social Services you can call and speak with.

The poster mentioned they were upset with Bishop and what he didn't say....however we don't know nor did they tell us if they are doing the things the Bishop did ask them to do or if he plans on meeting with them again.

You can always counsel people to do things and lots of times they don't do it. You can recommend professional counseling and they don't want to do that.

I would want to know why the one spouse wants out of the marriage and that would mean I would have to talk with them privately.

I have served twice in this calling and have been criticized and second guessed and etc. Its always easy to sit back and second guess, especially when you have never served in that calling.

I always hope i don't get called a third time so others can have a chance to serve in that calling. If I do get called again I would accept it without hesitation.

Edited June 29, 2013 by Palerider

[Palerider]

We Bishops are not perfect....we work full time and have our wife and family to take care of and for 5-8yrs we try to serve in our calling the best we can. No one knows what personal problems we are dealing with in our own families...such as...maybe a Bishops wife had a breakdown and the 4 children in the home were aged...10....8...6 and 4...but yet people get mad at me for not giving them money, food, pay a bill...etc.

I walk thru the halls at church and about once or twice a year I get a stupid remark thrown my way about something I said or did.

[pam]

Pale, I think people sometimes forget that a Bishop does have a life outside of church.

[Palerider]

Pale, I think people sometimes forget that a Bishop does have a life outside of church.

My advise to the Poster or anyone else that gets mad at their Bishop/Branch President....go talk with him about it as opposed to gossiping about it here

[Suzie]

MissB, the truth of the matter is that most Bishops are not professional marriage counselors or psychologists or therapists, they are good people trying to help others. In fact, indirectly he acknowledged his own limitations when he suggested counseling and I think he did the right thing. Only you and your husband knows all the little details pertaining your marital problems, the Bishop is just an outsider trying to guide you guys in what to do next and he did exactly that.

I'm a firm believer in talking face to face and I think perhaps you should talk with your former Bishop to let him know how you feel about all this, I am quite sure he doesn't know and I am confident he will try to tell you how he saw things at that moment. Perhaps after that conversation, your feelings of anger towards him will disappear.

[Martain]

3 Nephi 11:30 Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.

3 Nephi 12

43 And behold it is written also, that thou shalt love thy neighbor and hate thine enemy;

44 But behold I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you;

D&C 64

9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

11 And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.

A good measuring point for how fully you've forgive someone is whether you can sincerely pray for them and plead for mercy on their behalf. Recognize that the anger you hold is not of God and pray for his help to let it go. Pray for his help to freely forgive.

I do not know whether your concerns are valid or not in whether him saying what you wanted him to say would have made a difference. That being said, perhaps the following will be of use.

Picture your bishop standing in judgement before the Lord and being shown a future that would have come to pass where you remained together had he said what you wished him to say.

Could you not picture your Bishop weeping in sorrow and feeling that he had failed the Lord in his stewardship and duty over you? Could you not picture him falling prostrate before the Lord and pleading for mercy?

Picture the Lord then turning to you and saying, "Daughter, would you have me mete out justice? Or would you have me grant him mercy? Daughter, do you forgive him?".

What would be your answer?

Have you never fallen short in your calling? Failed to magnify it properly? Done less than your duty to the Lord would require? Do you want to be held accountable for such failings or would you not also plead for mercy forgiveness and patience.

If so, would you deny the gift you seek so dearly from your Bishop and request justice be rained down upon his head instead? Or would you not with tears in your eyes reply, "I forgive him Lord, be merciful upon your servant".

Sincerely,

Brother M.

[MIssB]

Martain,

Thank you. That was so extremely helpful to me. I truly appreciate it.

Miss B