Keeping past journal

[Kirkko]

I just want to know if I'm crazy. My wife has a journal that contains a lot of details about past relationships before me, most of which i knew nothing about, and she keeps this journal in our closet. These relationships would not be considered temple worthy relationships and the details reflect this. First, I feel like part of her repentance would be to get rid of something like this, similar to someone getting cigarettes or coffee out of their house; second, I feel like out of respect and love for me, knowing it would cause terrible heartache for me if i ever found it and read it, that she would want it gone; finally, that to protect our children from this information, she would want it gone. Kids snoop! I've asked her to get rid of it, but she says she keeps it to remind her of how she changed, but couldn't she just know that in her mind. Also, I really worry about her true feelings for me now because she was friends with some of her previous love interests on Facebook.

Am I crazy for being uncomfortable and feeling hurt that she would keep something like this around? I feel like it is similar to someone addicted to porn keeping their magazines or websites around.

[Backroads]

What I would be wary of is the Facebook friendships, not the journal. I'm not sure how an old journal is comparable to coffee or drugs.

She has repented. A lot of people tend to keep journals, the good and the bad, because that is the purpose of journals.

Anything beyond the Facebook stuff that is making you uncomfortable?

[Palerider]

Journals are what happened in our past. I have kept one since I was 18yrs old. I am now 54 and I could not imagine my wife asking me to toss them out. I wouldn't do it. I want my kids and Grandkids to read them to see what I was like and about my life. They will also read how I didn't care about going to church or serving a mission and past girlfriends.

[Just_A_Guy]

I just want to know if I'm crazy. My wife has a journal that contains a lot of details about past relationships before me, most of which i knew nothing about, and she keeps this journal in our closet. These relationships would not be considered temple worthy relationships and the details reflect this. First, I feel like part of her repentance would be to get rid of something like this, similar to someone getting cigarettes or coffee out of their house; second, I feel like out of respect and love for me, knowing it would cause terrible heartache for me if i ever found it and read it, that she would want it gone; finally, that to protect our children from this information, she would want it gone. Kids snoop! I've asked her to get rid of it, but she says she keeps it to remind her of how she changed, but couldn't she just know that in her mind. Also, I really worry about her true feelings for me now because she was friends with some of her previous love interests on Facebook.

Am I crazy for being uncomfortable and feeling hurt that she would keep something like this around? I feel like it is similar to someone addicted to porn keeping their magazines or websites around.

I don't think keeping the journal or the mere Facebook "friending", in and of themselves, are cause for alarm. But the fact that you think so, suggests that you've perhaps seen other red flags that you've not yet brought up here?

[Sharky]

Keeping the past journal, even though perhaps it has details of past non-temple worthy relationships, should not be a problem ... however, the reason she is keeping it should be the focus.

If she was reading the journal & fantasizing about those past boy friends, then getting rid of the journal would be comparable to getting rid of any substance that is sinful.

She says she is keeping it because it reminds her of how far she has come, how much she has changed. That is a positive, a good reason to hold on to the journal. The journal contains lesson learned & lessons to be learned.

Journals of our past days can & do hold many many lessons that we can learn from, that we can teach from. Looking back thru journals we can learn things even years later.

In fact, not too long ago while preparing to do a 1st Sunday EQ Lesson, I felt drawn to some items from my past. In them I found a prime example of the message ... little did I know that the example from my past was eerily similar to something that a quorum member was struggling with & that lesson opened the door for him to seek my support as he makes his thru those challenges.

I have a few mementos of past relationships, most from 1 specific non-temple-worthy relationship.

My wife knows of these mementos & of the letters & cards & she knows she is free to read them if she wishes.

I have never hidden my past from our children & lessons from the past are taught & passed on as appropriate.

My wife finds a great deal of comfort in our eternal temple marriage. She finds peace in seeing the worthy priesthood holder that I am today. There is comfort for her in the commitments that I have made to her & to our children & to our Father in Heaven.

She sees the mementos of my past & realizes that those loves taught me & helped me to understand the life and the family that I really wanted to have. They taught me to be the person, the husband, the parent that I am today. Those mementos, the few that remain, hold significant parts of the lesson of life that brought me back to the gospel, back into church activity, & ultimately to her .... though that path was a crooked broken way it is a fact of life, full of life experiences & life lessons.

The journal itself I do not see as a problem. Rather, I have concerns over your fears & your curiosities & how accepting you really are of your wife's past.

If she has repented, if she can be forgiven & can forgive herself, then can you forgive her?

Is your ability to forgive her & to completely fully accept her as she is (& with a past) contingent on what that journal really contains?

[Guest]

I wouldn't throw out my journal either. And I have been waaaaay stupid in my life. But then, I have no problem with my husband reading it. My journal is ME. The entirety of ME. Good and bad.

So yeah. Your problem is not the journal in and of itself. So, you'll need to address what the real issues are and not focus on the little things unless the little things are causing the big things... and only you and your wife can decide that.

[skippy740]

I just want to know if I'm crazy. My wife has a journal that contains a lot of details about past relationships before me, most of which i knew nothing about, and she keeps this journal in our closet. These relationships would not be considered temple worthy relationships and the details reflect this. First, I feel like part of her repentance would be to get rid of something like this, similar to someone getting cigarettes or coffee out of their house; second, I feel like out of respect and love for me, knowing it would cause terrible heartache for me if i ever found it and read it, that she would want it gone;

[...]

Also, I really worry about her true feelings for me now because she was friends with some of her previous love interests on Facebook.

Am I crazy for being uncomfortable and feeling hurt that she would keep something like this around? I feel like it is similar to someone addicted to porn keeping their magazines or websites around.

Sounds like you've already read it. Otherwise, how would you know what was in it?

Unless there are some other details you're not sharing (not that you have to share them)... then yes, you're making yourself crazy with your own insecurities.

[Kirkko]

Yes, when I found the journal I read it. So, a litle background. My wife and I started dating and she told me she wasn't a virgin as well as having done some other stuff with one guy and had another boyfriend right after this. I had a hard time with it, especially because she was in the process of Church discipline stuff. I met her family and some friends, one of which was an old boyfriend, came over and were jerks to me and quite rude, but she didn't ask them to leave though the situation was uncomfortable. I asked my bishop and parents what to do because I was having such a hard time with the sexual past and through counsel and prayer I decided to propose hoping eventually my problem would go away. In the planning the marriage she wanted to these guys and we had some major arguments over it because I didn't think past boyfirends/lovers should be at our wedding. We got married and those guys didn't show up.

Over time it got better and we have a good marriage, yet every so often things would come up in our lives about this guy. For example, he was going to be at a wedding reception for one of my wife's friends and my wife wanted to go alone. I was uncomfortable with that and said I wanted to go too. Apparently because I ended up going I ruined the reception for her because she was uncomfortable.

This guy ended up moving in with that couple as a roommate and my wife has constant contact with her friend (the girl), but never told me that guy was living there and that they likely spoke.

A few years later, she came out and told me she had had another boyfriend who had forced himself on her once and took her virginity and because of how down she was she went to the boyfriend I knew about and had the relationship I knew about.

A few years later, I found the journal while cleaning our closet. I read it and found out a lot more about her past. She had other boyfriends where the relationship caused her to be disfellowshipped multilpe times. The guy who assaulted her really didn't, she was with him multiple times and consented to it. Finally, the journal contains information about the guy I knew about originally and how they had been, "not having sex, but figuring out other ways around it". Needless to say, all of this new information has broken my heart and I am insecure about our relationship.

Finally, one of her friends visited recently and proceeded to share a story of my wife with her boyfriend at a waterpark making out with specific details. I felt like my wife should have stopped the conversation for me.

I wonder if her love for me is as much as for them, considering she went out of her way to be with them. I wonder if she does the same things with me that she did with them and if not, why not? I feel like she should have told me everything and been up front. I was completely honest, holding nothing back with her. I have guiven her my trust and trusted that what she told me when we were dating was the complete truth.

I love her and we have three great kids, but I do question er committment to me. It seems like anytime there is an issue with this I am the bad guy. I don't think it's too much to ask not to have communication with past lover/boyfriends and to tell me the truth. I kow I may be judgmental, but I also expect her to help me out too.

I feel like keeping the journal with all of its pictures and references to how much she loves these guys is a way she is withholding her complete committment to me. I feel like she defends them any time something comes up.

I guess my question really is shouldn't your spouse be number one? Do you think about what your spouse/significant other will feel in different situations? I don't feel like she does that for me and it makes me question her feelings for me. I know I sound selfish and it probably is, but I need to have that security from her that i don't feel right now.

Edited January 8, 2014 by Kirkko

[NeuroTypical]

Your wife has a past. She didn't represent herself to you as someone with no past. You knew before you married her, that she wanted to keep a level of contact that you didn't like, but you married her anyway. She gave you a general overview - how has she been dishonest?

It's not fair to her, for you to keep carrying around her past. Honestly, you need to figure out how to let this go. Think of it this way - you won. She picked you. She didn't have to - there were apparently others in the race to choose from. But she didn't go with them.

Since you were married, has she done anything to make you question her faithfulness or desire to keep her marriage covenant with you? Has she ever wanted to go off and be alone with these past flings? Does she meet them for lunch or anything? If the answer is no, then you won.

You have three kids, looking at you as their role model for ways to behave if they ever find something out about their spouses. Act the way you'd like them to act. Because they probably will do whatever you do here.

[Jane_Doe]

Like so many others, my spouse had previous relationships before me. I don’t find that fact uncomfortable, because I know he is mine now 200%. I like a song by Reliant K “My girl friend’s ex-boyfriend”:

“If it wasn't for him

I would still be searching

If it wasn't for him

I wouldn't know my best friend

If it wasn't for him

He would be able to see

If it wasn't for him

He would be as happy as me

I owe it all to my girl's ex-boyfriend”

[skippy740]

So, what she TOLD you was this:

Yes, when I found the journal I read it. So, a litle background. My wife and I started dating and she told me she wasn't a virgin as well as having done some other stuff with one guy and had another boyfriend right after this. I had a hard time with it, especially because she was in the process of Church discipline stuff.

What you decided to do was this:

I met her family and some friends, one of which was an old boyfriend, came over and were jerks to me and quite rude, but she didn't ask them to leave though the situation was uncomfortable. I asked my bishop and parents what to do because I was having such a hard time with the sexual past and through counsel and prayer I decided to propose hoping eventually my problem would go away.

I have no idea how proposing marriage would make a problem disappear. Marriage makes problems bigger, and makes the microscope on how we view our spouses behavior bigger. However, what's done is done.

Then this came up:

In the planning the marriage she wanted to these guys and we had some major arguments over it because I didn't think past boyfirends/lovers should be at our wedding. We got married and those guys didn't show up.

Since then:

Over time it got better and we have a good marriage, yet every so often things would come up in our lives about this guy. For example, he was going to be at a wedding reception for one of my wife's friends and my wife wanted to go alone. I was uncomfortable with that and said I wanted to go too. Apparently because I ended up going I ruined the reception for her because she was uncomfortable.

Interesting sign of things to come?

This guy ended up moving in with that couple as a roommate and my wife has constant contact with her friend (the girl), but never told me that guy was living there and that they likely spoke.

Speaking to someone who you were intimate with... is not necessarily a problem. An ongoing relationship would be a problem.

Now she told you this:

A few years later, she came out and told me she had had another boyfriend who had forced himself on her once and took her virginity and because of how down she was she went to the boyfriend I knew about and had the relationship I knew about.

But now you found this:

A few years later, I found the journal while cleaning our closet. I read it and found out a lot more about her past. She had other boyfriends where the relationship caused her to be disfellowshipped multilpe times. The guy who assaulted her really didn't, she was with him multiple times and consented to it. Finally, the journal contains information about the guy I knew about originally and how they had been, "not having sex, but figuring out other ways around it". Needless to say, all of this new information has broken my heart and I am insecure about our relationship.

As Loudmouth said... she didn't represent herself as someone without a past. The details of everything... was HER business... not yours.

You talk about trust being violated... yet you went through her journals. However, what's done is done. (That's two 'errors in judgment', if you're keeping track.)

Finally, one of her friends visited recently and proceeded to share a story of my wife with her boyfriend at a waterpark making out with specific details. I felt like my wife should have stopped the conversation for me.

Yes, your wife should have... out of respect for you and your marriage covenant together. Yes, marriage is a covenant, even if it's just a civil marriage, it's still a covenant.

You're now thinking:

I wonder if her love for me is as much as for them, considering she went out of her way to be with them. I wonder if she does the same things with me that she did with them and if not, why not?

You're feeling like she likes/loves them more than you? That she's withholding various "experiences" from you that she did with them?

Consider this idea: maybe those are things that she doesn't do because it reminds her of that past?

I feel like she should have told me everything and been up front. I was completely honest, holding nothing back with her. I have guiven her my trust and trusted that what she told me when we were dating was the complete truth.

Considering how much 'truth' you have already been exposed to... how much more do you want to know? What would happen then? Could you handle it?

The REAL issue:

I love her and we have three great kids, but I do question er committment to me. It seems like anytime there is an issue with this I am the bad guy. I don't think it's too much to ask not to have communication with past lover/boyfriends and to tell me the truth. I kow I may be judgmental, but I also expect her to help me out too.

That's completely fair.

I feel like keeping the journal with all of its pictures and references to how much she loves these guys is a way she is withholding her complete committment to me. I feel like she defends them any time something comes up.

Keeping the journal, as stated above, is okay. Defending them or the actions she wrote about in them (based solely on your posts)... is not okay.

I guess my question really is shouldn't your spouse be number one? Do you think about what your spouse/significant other will feel in different situations? I don't feel like she does that for me and it makes me question her feelings for me. I know I sound selfish and it probably is, but I need to have that security from her that i don't feel right now.

So... what happened when you went to counseling as was recommending in your older thread here?

http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/56058-wifes-past-haunting-me.html

That question is one you should ask in a marriage counseling session with her in the room. You both need to sort this out. No, you are not 'completely' out of line, but you need some reassurances, based on what you've written... and I think it's reasonable.

Edited January 8, 2014 by skippy740

[Leah]

Yes, when I found the journal I read it. So, a litle background. My wife and I started dating and she told me she wasn't a virgin as well as having done some other stuff with one guy and had another boyfriend right after this. I had a hard time with it, especially because she was in the process of Church discipline stuff. I met her family and some friends, one of which was an old boyfriend, came over and were jerks to me and quite rude, but she didn't ask them to leave though the situation was uncomfortable. I asked my bishop and parents what to do because I was having such a hard time with the sexual past and through counsel and prayer I decided to propose hoping eventually my problem would go away. In the planning the marriage she wanted to these guys and we had some major arguments over it because I didn't think past boyfirends/lovers should be at our wedding. We got married and those guys didn't show up.

Over time it got better and we have a good marriage, yet every so often things would come up in our lives about this guy. For example, he was going to be at a wedding reception for one of my wife's friends and my wife wanted to go alone. I was uncomfortable with that and said I wanted to go too. Apparently because I ended up going I ruined the reception for her because she was uncomfortable.

This guy ended up moving in with that couple as a roommate and my wife has constant contact with her friend (the girl), but never told me that guy was living there and that they likely spoke.

A few years later, she came out and told me she had had another boyfriend who had forced himself on her once and took her virginity and because of how down she was she went to the boyfriend I knew about and had the relationship I knew about.

A few years later, I found the journal while cleaning our closet. I read it and found out a lot more about her past. She had other boyfriends where the relationship caused her to be disfellowshipped multilpe times. The guy who assaulted her really didn't, she was with him multiple times and consented to it. Finally, the journal contains information about the guy I knew about originally and how they had been, "not having sex, but figuring out other ways around it". Needless to say, all of this new information has broken my heart and I am insecure about our relationship.

Finally, one of her friends visited recently and proceeded to share a story of my wife with her boyfriend at a waterpark making out with specific details. I felt like my wife should have stopped the conversation for me.

I wonder if her love for me is as much as for them, considering she went out of her way to be with them. I wonder if she does the same things with me that she did with them and if not, why not? I feel like she should have told me everything and been up front. I was completely honest, holding nothing back with her. I have guiven her my trust and trusted that what she told me when we were dating was the complete truth.

I love her and we have three great kids, but I do question er committment to me. It seems like anytime there is an issue with this I am the bad guy. I don't think it's too much to ask not to have communication with past lover/boyfriends and to tell me the truth. I kow I may be judgmental, but I also expect her to help me out too.

I feel like keeping the journal with all of its pictures and references to how much she loves these guys is a way she is withholding her complete committment to me. I feel like she defends them any time something comes up.

I guess my question really is shouldn't your spouse be number one? Do you think about what your spouse/significant other will feel in different situations? I don't feel like she does that for me and it makes me question her feelings for me. I know I sound selfish and it probably is, but I need to have that security from her that i don't feel right now.

You can't "hope" things away. If you wanted to change your attitude regarding your wife's past, then it was up to YOU to take action.

You should have resolved your issues prior to marriage. If you couldn't resolve them, then the marriage shouldn't have happened. Marriage was not going to magically fix your issues. Marriage wasn't going to magically undo your wife's past. If you couldn't deal with the fact that she "had a past" while you were dating her, you certainly weren't going to be able to deal with it simply by getting married.

You had no business reading your wife's journals. What was the purpose of that?

I am not going to address your wife's actions. We only have your version. Her version might be different.

[Guest]

You had no business reading your wife's journals. What was the purpose of that?

I don't know about this one. In my family, we take the position that spouses don't have secrets between them so my husband's and my journals are open to each other. I sometimes read my husband's journals because it has things like what he thought of that lesson in EQ.

We also told the kids we hold the right to read their journals until they graduate from high school.

Not sure if this is wrong or right. It's just what we do.

[skippy740]

Anatess,

I completely agree with you, but that's what we call an 'upfront contract'. Its where you know where everybody stands on a particular issue. Without the upfront contract, you are violating a person's trust and private domain.

Unless you are invited in, one shouldn't go where they aren't invited.

[Guest]

Anatess,

I completely agree with you, but that's what we call an 'upfront contract'. Its where you know where everybody stands on a particular issue. Without the upfront contract, you are violating a person's trust and private domain.

Unless you are invited in, one shouldn't go where they aren't invited.

The marriage covenant is not the invitation? I would think it is.

I look at the principle of marriage covenants as the eternal goal of "Becoming One" in the same manner that the Godhead is One.

I can kinda see on the flip-side... the line-upon-line view of marital covenants where divorce is allowed in the Church as part of a lesser law kinda thing. If we haven't become One in the sense that divorce is not an option, having a closed journal kinda makes sense. But, I'm really foggy on this.

Edited January 8, 2014 by anatess

[Backroads]

The marriage covenant is not the invitation? I would think it is.

I look at the principle of marriage covenants as the eternal goal of "Becoming One" in the same manner that the Godhead is One.

I can kinda see on the flip-side... the line-upon-line view of marital covenants where divorce is allowed in the Church as part of a lesser law kinda thing. If we haven't become One in the sense that divorce is not an option, having a closed journal kinda makes sense. But, I'm really foggy on this.

If divorce isn't an option, why would you insist in poking about in things that might upset your spouse?

[Gel182]

I wouldn't want that journal around. If my parents had something like that, I'd never want to know any of those details, nor would I want to leave the same history for my children to stumble upon in the future. Why not leave something positive around for your posterity to read like a patriarchal blessing or a journal about your courtship and marriage rather than a running history of sexual experiences, partners, and church discipline? I'm pretty sure that's not what President Benson meant when he talked about keeping a journal. Sorry, I'd just be uncomfortable with that, but it's just my opinion.

[classylady]

My husband and I are allowed to read each other's journals, emails, texts, etc. We consciously decided to have a transparent marriage. My husband was previously married, so he has an ex-wife. Because of their two children they have had to communicate with each other after their divorce. There have been times when I questioned their relationship after we were married because boundaries weren't established. I let my husband know what bothered me. He agreed that boundaries needed to be set up, and wished he had known sooner to do so. We have had some serious talks about his past. He has been an open book. He has gone into detail about his past relationship because it was what I needed. Everything I read about marriage relationships, if a spouse has a question about their spouse's past, that the questions should be answered honestly. Details don't need to be spelled out, but an overall idea of what has gone on should be talked about.

Now, because my husband was married before, there is/was of course photographs, homemade movies, etc. One of the homemade movies had some "naughty" scenes of him and his ex-wife that I inadvertently saw while helping him go through his stuff. My husband felt terrible about me seeing these images, so he took all his homemade movies outside, pounded them with a hammer, and then set them on fire. Even though there were some family history moments on those movies, he thought it was more important to protect my feelings and our marriage. His actions made me feel like he cherished me, and that our relationship was number one.

My first reaction when reading your original post was that you're insecure in your relationship with your wife. If you were absolutely secure about your relationship, knew without a shadow of a doubt that you're number one in her life, you wouldn't feel so bad about the journal. You and your wife need to have some serious communication about your relationship. Go to counseling or read marriage self-help books together. The Five Love Languages by Chapman is good. So is His Needs/Her Needs by Hartley.

My husband told me once that what I had seen on his homemade movies, was probably like me seeing him being unfaithful to me. He said, even though his relationship was in the past, and before me, the home movies made it "real" and like it was a current event. I imagine that reading her journal did something similar to you. You can get through this. But, it is going to take open communication between you and your wife.

[Leah]

The marriage covenant is not the invitation? I would think it is.

I look at the principle of marriage covenants as the eternal goal of "Becoming One" in the same manner that the Godhead is One.

I can kinda see on the flip-side... the line-upon-line view of marital covenants where divorce is allowed in the Church as part of a lesser law kinda thing. If we haven't become One in the sense that divorce is not an option, having a closed journal kinda makes sense. But, I'm really foggy on this.

Even married people are entitled to privacy. It doesn't mean one is hiding things or being deceptive.

[Bini]

My husband and I are allowed to read each other's journals, emails, texts, etc. We consciously decided to have a transparent marriage.

My husband and I have a transparent marriage as well. I know his passwords to personal accounts, and he knows mine. And come to think of it, we don't really have any privacy from each other, none - and it doesn't bother either of us one little bit! If I'm in the bathroom, he's welcomed to come in, and vice versa. We're happy this way :)

[Palerider]

You may not like what I say here but here goes...... I think your problem is more of a jealousy issue than a journal. Reading those makes you feel that way. You need to find a way to get over this.

[skippy740]

The marriage covenant is not the invitation? I would think it is.

I look at the principle of marriage covenants as the eternal goal of "Becoming One" in the same manner that the Godhead is One.

I can kinda see on the flip-side... the line-upon-line view of marital covenants where divorce is allowed in the Church as part of a lesser law kinda thing. If we haven't become One in the sense that divorce is not an option, having a closed journal kinda makes sense. But, I'm really foggy on this.

I'll clarify in a different way: If I'm married... that doesn't give me the right to go through my wife's purse, nor for her to go through my wallet. It's not that we're hiding anything from each other, but there are some boundaries that couples have. Wallets & purses are one. Journals are another. Unless I'm given explicit permission (or on a hunt to find some keys, lol), I don't go through it.

[EarlJibbs]

Can't change the past by throwing away some ones history in the garbage. Can't change the present by it either. It seems that the bigger issue is that you didn't know how sexually active your wife was before marrying her. Now you find out and there is suspicion around every corner.

What may be mere chance of running into an old fling isn't just chance now, now that you know her true past? Does she love you? Does she show it? Can you feel it? Do you return the love? This is more than a journal and there are deeper issues that need to be taken care of. Maybe marriage counseling? For both of you, but with the goal of you being able to manage what you now know and how you are reacting?

I can't say that I wouldn't be shocked and maybe hurt to find out that there was more to my wife's past, but there has to be an acceptance of that and a focus on the here and now. Good luck. It may seem that everyone here is against you, but from what I have read, it's good advice.

[Vort]

I'll clarify in a different way: If I'm married... that doesn't give me the right to go through my wife's purse, nor for her to go through my wallet. It's not that we're hiding anything from each other, but there are some boundaries that couples have. Wallets & purses are one. Journals are another. Unless I'm given explicit permission (or on a hunt to find some keys, lol), I don't go through it.

Hmmm. This must vary between couples. I would think nothing of going through my wife's purse, or email, or anything else, and she would think nothing of going through my wallet, email, etc. I generally do not open mail or packages addressed only to her, but that's more a personal ideal than an expectation. About the only things that we consider "off-limits" are current or recent personal journal entries, more recent than, say, two or three years.

So I agree about the journals, but that's pretty much the only thing that comes to mind where that rule applies.

[pam]

Hmmm. This must vary between couples. I would think nothing of going through my wife's purse, or email, or anything else, and she would think nothing of going through my wallet, email, etc. I generally do not open mail or packages addressed only to her, but that's more a personal ideal than an expectation. About the only things that we consider "off-limits" are current or recent personal journal entries, more recent than, say, two or three years.

So I agree about the journals, but that's pretty much the only thing that comes to mind where that rule applies.

Just as I would think that going through a purse or a wallet or email is more a personal ideal than an expectation. It's just kind of one of those unspoken rules that has been around for ages.