Death

[TLISM]

I would like a little advice for any who might be so inspired or inclined to give it.  My wife was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and we have several little children.  At this point, we are not sure what the future will hold, but simply based on the probabilities, it is a little dire.

 

I am at peace with whatever the outcome may be at this point.  I hope that the Lord will be merciful and spare my wife, but I understand that my ways are not His ways and my will is not His will and I pray for the strength to bend my will to His will.

 

I know the Lord will provide, however if anyone has any advice on how to help little children-the oldest is 6-go through something so traumatic at the possible loss (or loss) of their mother, I would be greatly comforted.

 

Thank you

[skippy740]

I'm so sorry to hear about this... especially for young children.  As someone who is seeing this from a distance with a few other families that have had sudden losses, I hope I'll have some ideas for you.

 

First, please don't "bury her" before she's gone.  What I mean is to enjoy life as best as you can.  Be happy while you are still together in this life.  

 

Take lots of pictures!  Capture everything.  Compile photo albums of memories of the past... and maybe do them with your children too?  Consider it a legacy in photography.

 

If you have a really nice photo of your wife, get it framed for each of your children to put into a corner of their room.  This way they can "talk with mom" when they want.

 

As I've been following the facebook posts of a young widow (who remarried 6 months after her 1st husband passed in a car accident)... I'm not sure how I feel about visiting graves after someone has deceased.  If we truly believe as we believe... then we know they aren't there.  They are in spirit paradise... free from the cancer and moving forward the Lord's work.  So, unless the kids want to go, I'm not sure I would volunteer this as a place to visit regularly.

 

Have a few FHE, in particular about the Plan of Salvation.  While I'm not a big fan of it, I think that "Saturday's Warrior" might be a fun one - particularly when Pam (the oldest sister & twin) passes away and is reunited with her "sister in heaven waiting to be born".  Lots of doctrinal inaccuracies... but still a good family film with a message that your KIDS may need.

 

[The Folk Prophet]

I wish I had some advice. I can't imagine. That's so tough. You have it right on trusting the Lord. Lean on him for How to help the children too. Be in tune with the Spirit. A lot of prayer, obviously.  Beyond that, there are probably resources. Books? Counseling? Etc... Wish I could help more.

[Guest]

I'm sorry to hear this. I can't imagine being either in her situation or yours.

 

I have a cousin who lost his mother to cancer when he was very young. He asked me once what I would do to prepare my young children to grow up without me (his mom did very quickly and had a brain tumor so she wasn't herself). All I could think of was to leave letters or videos or something behind, with whatever love, encouragement, advice, etc. they might need in their life. To take lots of pictures with them, and make memories while I was able. To teach them about the Atonement and our hope of being together again; that our separation is only temporary. Much too long, but temporary.

 

Again, I'm very sorry and I wish you comfort and peace. 

[Quin]

Early onset Alzheimer's runs in my family (as does military service / aka we have a lot of young death) .. So something we've done for generations is to start "PS I love you" stuff EARLY.

Meaning, while we're still with it or around, we write letters & put together mementos to/for our loved ones.

The kind to be opened in the event of our death & lost minds at different key points in our kids & spouses lives. Both things like brays, as well as some with the titles like "Worst day ever" & "Need a pick me up" & "This shouldn't bother me so much, but it does" & "Dad's a jerk", right along with "Happy for no reason" & other positive random things. LOL, one of my grandmothers included her "Famous strawberry ice cream recipe". Not that we knew until we got to that envelope.

Go to store.

Buy 3 random kinds of strawberry ice cream on sale.

Dump in bucket & eat as much as you want while letting half melt.

Hide evidence of bought from store.

In he neighbors pail, if possible.

Stir when good & ready.

Freeze.

Refuse to share recipe with anyone.

Snicker.

Ha! Go Gran!

They all go in a box along with our wills, powers of attorney, etc.

Myself, though... It's HARD to do these things.

Takes up a lot of emotional energy.

That, in crisis, there just isn't a lot of to spare.

AND not everyone is the letter & memento type of person.

This is something most of the women in my family do... But not all of us.

And those of us who do it, all do it differently.

So... While a nice idea... It's certainly not going to be right for everyone.

Q

[Louloudi]

My sister has just been diagnosed with cancer.  They have 2 baby boys.

This thread will also help me comfort them.

 

So sorry you have to go through this.

[notquiteperfect]

First, I'm sorry you and your family is experiencing this.  

 

Great input so far and will add that your kids may want to know what their mom was like/how they take after her so aside from the advice/encouragement stuff any journaling/recording she can do of her life/personality would be good.

Now about the cancer - start eating an alkaline diet (google it) and drink apple cider vinegar (Bragg's w the mother) water (a tblspn in 8 oz - plug nose if necessary).  Go to the health food store and get Essiac Tea.  Not sure where you are but there's a clinic in So Utah that can turn this around.  If you can't go there, get to a naturopath or at least an herbalist (keep looking till you find one that can really help).  Read this book http://www.amazon.com/The-Cure-All-Cancers-Including/dp/1890035009 (I haven't but a local naturopath recommends it).  Keep your thoughts and language positive.  Also, laugh (best medicine) a lot (watch funny shows, get a jokebook, tell funny stories..,)!  Music impacts us greatly - listen to the kind with highest vibration (classical???).  Go to the library and get "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay to start dealing with the emotional things that created this (everything's connected). There's probably more and I'll keep thinking but this is what's coming to mind for now. 

 

There is hope. x

[Dravin]

As I've been following the facebook posts of a young widow (who remarried 6 months after her 1st husband passed in a car accident)... I'm not sure how I feel about visiting graves after someone has deceased.  If we truly believe as we believe... then we know they aren't there.  They are in spirit paradise... free from the cancer and moving forward the Lord's work.  So, unless the kids want to go, I'm not sure I would volunteer this as a place to visit regularly.

 

 

People aren't in pictures or momentos but we, speaking generically, use them as focal points for remembering them. The events of historical sites are long gone, but we visit them and remember as well. I can understand personally not being big on graves for such purposes but I don't see any conflict with them and our. LDS, beliefs.

[mirkwood]

http://tinkerbellwantabe-family-megan.blogspot.com/

 

 

This has been the terminal cancer experience of one of my oldest and best friends (Chris).  If you want, I can put you in touch with her (Ricki) and maybe she has some advice.  PM me if you want to try and contact her.

[classylady]

My father died when I was six, nearly seven years old.  When I think back on it, while growing up, the biggest fear I had was "what if my mom dies too?"  I was so scared of becoming an orphan.  Where would I live?  I didn't understand that I wouldn't be homeless, and that there was family that would take care of me.  I was also afraid of my siblings and I being split up.  Now, I look back, and think, how ungrounded this fear was.  It would have been nice to have had an adult reassure me (us) that we would have a place to live, and that we would not be split up if my mother should happen to die too.

 

Now, some harsh facts about children when a loved one dies.  They are not going to remember the deceased one, or at least have very few memories as time goes by.  That's  why pictures, journals, even short notes are sooo important.  I don't remember my father.  I would give anything to have a few pages of a journal.  One page.  One paragraph.  Anything hand written by my father would be priceless.  A hand written letter to each of his children would be a treasure.  In our family circumstance, my father died in an accident, so it was sudden, and there was no way to prepare for this.  But, I'm thinking that I want to write letters to each of my own children even though I am currently healthy.

 

I had a 19 year old daughter die in an accident almost 11 years ago.  Her youngest brother was nine years old at the time.  Several years after her death, my son came to me, in tears, and said "Mom, I'm starting to forget Shelly!"  Sadly, it is a fact of life, that as time goes by, memories start to fade.  So whatever you can do to help the children to remember their mother would be helpful.  There's already been some good advice given.  Do video tapes, scrap books, vacations, etc.

 

One of the most comforting truths that I had as a child growing up, was that I knew our family was a "forever" family.  I knew that because my parents were sealed together in the temple, that if we lived worthily we could be together again.  I look forward to the day when I will see my father and daughter again.  What a comfort the Plan of Salvation is.  It is the greatest blessing our Father has to offer us.

[dahlia]

I can only agree with what people have said here. My husband died suddenly when our son was 14. We were never a big picture taking family, so there are few pictures of him or of the two of them together, but there are some. I wish there were more. Other than the odd card with his signature, I don't have any notes or  such from him. I do have his army and VA records with his handwriting and a couple of resumes, which seem silly, but show us what he was doing at different points in his life; some have his handwriting.

 

If I knew I was facing something like the OP's problem, I'd be taking videos and writing notes. I'd also be drinking green juices and eating as healthy as I could, which for me would be strict vegan, but people make their own choices. My stepfather died from lung cancer. I will never forgive my mother for feeding him garbage instead of making a healthy eating program a part of his medical regime.

 

There is a woman in my ward with Stage 4 breast cancer. She has 5 little kids; if she passed on, probably 4 of the kids would never remember her. I hope her family is doing some of the things suggested here.

[notquiteperfect]

Remembered one other thing - lymph massage.  You need to get the lymphatic system moving.  There's a proper procedure (circle motions, towards the heart) - check youtube or google.  You can find a cheap long-handle brush at Wal-Mart.  Bouncing on a mini-tramp is another option.

[Irishcolleen]

Regular routines are important to children.  They help them feel secure.  Also, kids should be given age appropriate information.  Sometimes when adults hide information they imagine things are far worse than they are. My son witnessed my father having a grand mal seizure. He had always been Gpa's buddy, but after the seizure he stopped going near him. We finally found out that he was afraid of catching what his Gpa had.  When we gave him correct, age appropriate info he was back in gpa's arms. 

 

Many cancer treatment centers offer counseling and/or support groups for families.  They can be a great resource for educating even small children about cancer and for helping parents dealing with cancer. If your oncologist hasn't given a referral for support services like this ask him to do so.

 

Your family will be in our prayers,

[ditd]

I am sorry to hear of your sad news and I hope that all goes as best it can for you and your family.

 

My mother-in-law has breast cancer and for explaining to the grandchildren she found the following book very helpful. I hope you find some use for it too:

When Someone You Love Has Cancer: A Guide to Help Kids Cope

[OldPort]

Wow I really feel for you. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

[applepansy]

There is a great book entitled "Grieving: The Pain and The Promise"  by Deanna Edwards.

 

There is a chapter about helping children grieve.

 

I'm sorry your family is going through this.  

[TLISM]

Thank you so much for the input.  We are still not sure what will happen, but my wife starts chemo on Monday. We had a photographer out and took family pictures (it was on the list over Christmas, but just didn't get done).  For a few days, I honestly wasn't sure if she would live or not, she was in a real bad way.  Thankfully, she appears to be getting stronger and the chemo should get rid of this type of cancer.  I thank Heavenly Father for every day . . . this is her 3rd round with cancer, the first two were skin cancers (one of which was melanoma), that just required skin surgery.

 

To be honest, this is really rough; it turns your whole life upside down and inside out.  I know that God lives and that His mercy and grace is sufficient, but it doesn't make it easy.  Everything from the possibility of losing my love in this life, to possibly being a single parent, to raising my kids properly, to the horrible fact that I will never have any more children with my wife.  I love my children so much and we really felt we should have several more and now the ability to have flesh and blood with her is gone in this life . . . 

 

It's rough and I appreciate the counsel and advice.  I know that whatever happens, the Lord is merciful.