Social media for our kids, IG/FB

[priesthoodpower]

What are your rules for your kids about social media?

Edited August 10, 2020 by priesthoodpower

[Windseeker]

With these smart phones and social media, kids now days are always connected. I think kids have to deal with so much more now days and it's enough that they have to deal with social pressures at school let alone 24/7. 

 

My kids are always on their phone, I even have to tell them to put their phones down when we watch a movie. I think it has affected their attention span and frankly think they are addicted. I think it's past the stage I can do anything about it since two are in college and one is 16.

 

Growing up my Dad would let the phone ring out (this is before message recording) calling it an uninvited interruption. Looking at what has become of us now days, it's pretty crazy.

 

If I could do it all over again, my kids would be allowed "dumb" phones with no text ability. Phones are turned into parents when they get home and handed out the next morning. No social networking accounts till they are 16 and those accounts would be monitored. 

[Mahone]

One point to make is that it's against the terms and conditions of most social networks, including IG, to have an account before the age of 13. So she has violated their T&C.

[NeuroTypical]

My bishop just called me to be the social media director.  Nobody can tell me what that means, but everyone agrees "you'll be great at it!".    I can't find anything about it in handbook 2.  As I look around me, mormons are all over the map on this.  Our church leaders are urging us to do 2 things:

- Go out into social media and spread the gospel and let people know mormons

- Protect ourselves from the evils that are only a click away on the internet

 

How we go about doing that seems to be up to us.  Yesterday I heard the word "facebook" used in 2 testimonies, and "twitter" once.  People are coming up to me asking to come teach a lesson in Relief Society about privacy settings.

 

This is like pioneer times, except with a keyboard.  The rule book hasn't been written yet.

[Guest]

When I was little - like 5/6 years old, we would go on this mega family conferences (political Filipino family thing where the family is very very very big and you don't need to all be blood related, hah!) and the kids would not be allowed to sit and talk with the adults.  But I've always been very interested in politics, so my dad would go to bat for me to sit with the adults.  That translated to me talking to all these people in the campaign trail even when I was very very young.  So, for me - communication is a very important thing for a child to learn to express who they are to the rest of the world, and a way to learn who everybody is and how to react to them.  But my morality is shaped by my family.  Because, in the Philippines, you don't want to get voted off the family island...

 

So, from that, I have formed this philosophy in dealing with my own children:

 

My kids are who they are at home.  The home establishes their identity.  So, the home (the family) is their training ground, their laboratory, their safe haven.  So, my job is to make the home (the family) as stable as I can possibly make it and a place where my kids build their principles and establish their identity.

 

The computer is a window outside the home.  There is not much difference to me between my kids riding their bikes around the neighborhood and meeting all kinds of people and them meeting all kinds of people on the computer.  Either method is a form of communication/connection to the outside world.  And... anything outside I can set some boundaries, not to curtail their communication "reach" but to make sure that I can catch them when they fall.

 

My husband and I both work in computer technology so we are tech savvy - especially my husband.  So, we know my kids' online identities and who they are communicating with.  And, so far, the kids have not strayed from who they are.

 

My kids have their own iPhones and there was one time my then 12-year-old started using Snapchat.  This app is designed to erase their chat trail within a few seconds after posting.  So, even though my husband can track what my kid is writing on it, just the fact that my son felt it necessary to use the app was already a concern, so we didn't bother grabbing the trail.  Around this time, I also noticed that there's something off about my son's mood and he has rarely sat on the piano (his favorite thing to do).  So, we sat him down and he finally opened up.... we found out the problem, we gave him some advice on coping mechanisms, reminded him of his Priesthood, his younger brother supported him and... I tell you... the next day - yes, that immediately - I got my son back.  I saw my son in his demeanor the minute he sat down for breakfast.  And it was a life lesson that shaped him and made him stronger.

 

Both of my sons have open access to the world through their computers since they were little.  They have open access to the world through their bikes - they can bike as far as they want as long as they are home by dinner.  They have open access to the world through their phones - yeah, they still like calling people the traditional way.  We have controls so they don't go farther than we can support them and most of it is our training on who they are and who they want to be and our involvement on who they're communicating with... yes, there are times when I would put on the headphones while they are playing their games (e.g. Roblox and Eve - they have a group of people they play with there who we've never met in real life) and I would talk to everyone.  There's a youtube video out there of one of their "team" members recording my lecture to them about how to be a gentleman on Roblox.  Hah hah.)  But the home is the base where they establish their identity and it's a matter of wanting to be part of this eternal family that grounds them.

 

But, that's just the way we are...

[Jane_Doe]

I have an 11yr old daughter who is the only mormon on her soccer team and all her teammates have instagram accounts. I did make a verbal statement a year ago that she cant have social media accounts till shes 13.

My daughter secretly created an account on my wifes phone and has been using it for a couple months. I knew about it and decided not to do anything and just spy on her.

After monitoring her IG activity with her friends I just really feel that she doesnt need this type of communications at an early age. My biggest fear was that her friends mimmick and pattern their behaviors/languages after the famous singers and pop cultures on TV (think miley cyrus).

I confronted her yesterday and gave her all the reasons why its not a good idea to have an instagram account till shes 13, and we deleted it. If she had not known these non-member soccer girls that act pretty worldly and had a group of instagram friends that were members I think i might have allowed her to keep the account active.

thoughts? what are your rules for your kids about social media?

 

Rather than focusing on hitting the "delete" bottom, I would focus on teaching them what appropriate behavior *is*.  

[yjacket]

I like a lot of what Anatess says . . . .

 

But I will be the grumpy old man :-). First off for the OP, I have a huge beef with sneakiness.  I implement very harsh discipline for a child who is sneaky behind my back, lies, etc. When I say no, it means no and the child best remember that. If I said no and the child does it anyways that is disobedient and disrespectful.  The when and where of how I implement that discipline is my choice, but they will be disciplined for directly disobeying.

 

That issues is about trust, the less you obey me the less trust I have in the child and consequently the less freedoms the child gets.  If the child obeys, the more trust I have and the more likely that I will give more freedoms.

 

2nd, there is no good reason why a child should have a smartphone. At best a dumbphone and if I allow them to use a cell phone, they will pay for it.  And most certainly not until they are at least in high school.  You want a phone, show me you can actually pay for it and earn it.  They will quickly learn that maybe texting isn't so important when they are paying 50+ a month for a cell phone and don't have money to do anything.

 

Too many evils can be done through a smartphone, especially if a child is sneaky . . . and every parent thinks, "my child would never to x". They can become addicted to the screen (if you've ever seen little kids watching TV you know this). There is sexting, bullying, etc, all for the comfort of being able to send out pictures and text whenever you want . . .sorry for a child the cons outweigh the pros.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Endangered-Minds-Children-Think-About/dp/0684856204

http://www.amazon.com/FAILURE-TO-CONNECT-Computers-Childrens/dp/0684855399

 

I think the social pressure aspect is blown out of proportion.  In fact, I think it's rather healthy for a child to have to tell their friends I don't chat, it will build a backbone so later in life they have the confidence to tell others no I don't do xyz.

[Crypto]

The important thing is moderation. Use it as an opportunity to teach. If they learn how to protect themselves from the negatives of online and social media they will be better prepared than if not.

You could always try to find a compromise, such as an account, but one that is shared with parents at first. Or a password that only the parents know so they can monitor what is going on, and when. As they learn more, give them more responsibility.

[Bini]

I've been a long time user of Instagram and Tumblr, and I'd say that these two medias aren't the safest place for unattended children. While there are filters to help avoid inappropriate content, both medias are known to host a lot of explicit content (language and imagery) that is easily accessible, even if not intending to search for it. As a parent, I'd prefer that my child have a Facebook account, and not the other two.

 

And yes, I think most of us have an addiction to electronics, in some degree. My husband has mentioned numerous times to me that I am on my iPhone way too much, either texting or just doing other things on it. He's right. I am. Working on putting it down and not having it attached to my hip 24/7.

[priesthoodpower]

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Edited August 10, 2020 by priesthoodpower

[priesthoodpower]

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Edited August 10, 2020 by priesthoodpower

[yjacket]

I hate to say it but me and my wife are not on the same page in raising our kids, that is why in the marriage thread I asked if I should leave her but the main feedback i got from you guys was that it would create more problems than it would solve.

Not being on the same page with your spouse when it comes to rules and discipline is a challenge and a problem-but it's not something that is 100% dependent on what religion you are. A couple can be of the same religion and still have vast difference in being on the same page. Not being on the same page is very difficult b/c the child can learn how to manipulate parents, they learn how to go behind the others back. No muy bueno. But again it is not a problem unique to your wife leaving the church. And regardless of the struggles that occur now, they would be much worse if a divorce was in play. 

 

I'd suggest reading parenting books and articles together. It is important for parents to be unified on their rules and it is especially important for each parent to support the other regardless of whether they agree with the rules. Until you are united it will be a constant struggle. When parents use children and the rules as leverage on each other or as a tit for tat it is no wonder things get messed up.  A child deserves to not be used as a chess piece in marital battles.

 

I personally think it is weird to have an 11 year old use your wife's phone.  Is it your wife's phone or your daughter's phone? If it is your wife's phone, then your daughter should only be using it when she asks permission from your wife.  If she is just taking the phone without permission and using it, no muy bueno . . .that's a recipe for disaster later in life.  Taking something without permission, even for just a minute is called theft in the real world.

 

The other quote is not associated with me :-).

Edited January 6, 2015 by yjacket

[Guest]

@ anatess

what software are you using to monitor your kids internet activity? I am a systems administrator so I am familiar with technical jargon but have not much experience in internet tracking/monitoring.

Im researching right now about installing any type of hardware or software solution to allow me to easily monitor any internet traffic in my home.

 

I've quit asking my husband this question long time ago.  LOL.  My husband is in Information Security and our home network is his playground.  Our router keeps on changing, our server keeps on changing... I can't keep up with it.  But what I do know is that we don't "track/monitor" the kids' activity on the internet in the way I understand your question.

 

The concept behind our system is that - we choke the information going into the network through the router.  Last I know (this was months ago so it might have changed now), we have the Airport Extreme router with parental controls set by my husband and OpenDNS on top of that for web content filtering and some software from Vicomsoft to choke sites some more at the user level that also has ip tracking of some sort.  And then my husband has some system that backs up all our computers in the same way it works at his office... for a while there when the kids were little, the kids' computers was set up like the Public Library where it wipes out and refreshes every single day... Anyway, my husband can do forensics on our computers if we need it.

 

The phones - including the kids' - have cellular data, so it can bypass our router.  But our phones have Smart Limits from AT&T that we set however we like and it's "clouded" on a shared plan so my husband can get all the activity on their phones anytime.  But we've never had to go through this stuff.  But it's there if we need it.

 

But with all this, conceptually, we don't "monitor" the kids' internet activity and right now we only filter for pornography.  Our kids are older and more tech-savvy now.  Instead, I'm vigilant about my kids' behavior.  Somebody mentioned about kids being sneaky... to tell you the truth, my 13-year-old can probably hack even my husband's system... he's had his own computer since he was 3.  But, here's the thing, if he ever finds the need to be sneaky, the problem is not address on the computer.  The problem is the desire to be sneaky - so we don't really need to go mine stuff out of the computer to determine the problem to use as ammunition against his sneakiness.  What we need is to do is understand why he is being sneaky and correct that identity... We are not the type of family that has to hide behind sneakiness - so, that identity is contrary to who we are.  So, you say, how do I know if my kid is being sneaky?  Well, with a tech-savvy kid - it's a hit or miss catching it on the computer.  But, I know my kid holistically.  I notice things about his demeanor... but, of course, I'm under no illusion that the kid I see is not capable of hiding something from me.  I don't sweat that stuff.  I teach proper principles at home - I establish their identity at home - and teach them of the consequences.  If they decide to roll the dice with the consequences, then they get to figure out how to get out of that mess.  It helps to have a big family like mine - with extended family going as far as 4th cousins involved in your business - I'm banking on my kids not wanting to be the focal point of many many lectures from aunts and uncles instead of many many praises.

 

Another thing - the GPS on their phones.  We use it to track where they are (e.g. so I know when to leave the house to pick them up from the bus stop, etc.).  My kids' cousin told them they're idiots for not knowing how to turn off their GPS tracker... and my son was confused... he asked her why would he want to turn off their GPS tracker?  And his cousin said, "so your parents can't track you!" and my son says, "The only reason I would not want my parents to track me is when I'm doing something bad.  My mom is a genius.  She'll know I'm doing bad with or without the GPS tracker."  Yep.  That's what my son said...

 

All in all... I'm no parenting expert and I'm learning as I go.  So... I guess I'll find out if this method works in a few years...

Edited January 6, 2015 by anatess