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valdree

Are The LDS Dating Sites Ever Fruitful?

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Hello Everyone, I was wondering if anyone has any advice about using LDS dating sites? I have signed up for a couple but to be frank, I am fairly dubious. I live in Scotland and I am 45 years old so I have a very small LDS community in real life. I can't imagine a guy in Utah wanting to start anything with someone so far away if they have children in their country of residence, and although I would consider moving, that seems a bit like a far off dream that would have so many requirements attached. 

I was married to a non member who was a serial cheater and although I know members and non members are all susceptible to temptation, I really want my eternal husband to already be in the church.

I have complete faith in my Father in Heaven and so I know things will work out in the end, but I also feel strongly that I have to do the most I can to help myself, I am just not sure if online dating is the way to go.

Any advice, tips or genuine success stories would be very much appreciated.

V

xxx 

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Hi Valdree,

 

I listen to LDS podcasts all the time.  Many contain interviews of all kinds of LDS people.  The site LDSPlanet is mentioned more than the others, and I've heard several people mention how they found spouses there.  (I mean, these people connected with new friends who eventually became spouses, not that already-married people found their current spouses' profiles on-line there... but I suppose that could happen, too.)

 

Disclaimer: I have no connection to LDSPlanet and do not earn money by referring people there.

 

I am a man in my fifties who never married.  I thought about using LDSPlanet last year, but I am currently a less-active LDS member in the process of returning to the Church, and I figured I should get that all repaired before I start hunting for a spouse.  I checked out LDSPlanet last year and it seemed reasonable, but I didn't really get very deep into their site.

 

Don't do all your shopping at the same store.  I have a lot of single friends (non-LDS) who tell me about their dating adventures.  All on-line dating sites, I think, are 20% gold, 75% sand, and 5% poison.  You may have to sift through a lot of sand to find some gold, and if you're unlucky you might cross paths with a really scary person who turns out to be a criminal or worse.  That may be less of a concern on an LDS site than on a site for the general public.  Be defensive, but by all means fling your sails to the wind and see where it takes you.   

 

Also Google for tips on how to make your profile stand out.  For men, I think I read that the most common blunder is posting photos of themselves without a shirt.  For women... I don't recall the most common blunder.  Maybe posting photos of yourself with hair curlers?  Anyway, do craft a good profile and best wishes!  I know many LDS couples who married or remarried after age 40, and I adore them all.   Cheers, Polar 

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  For men, I think I read that the most common blunder is posting photos of themselves without a shirt.  

 

Seriously this is a total turn off to me.  Unless of course it is Shemar Moore.  :P

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Well, I did find this, and I learned a new expression: Debbie Downer.  

 

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/five-big-online-dating-profile-mistakes-made-by-women-over-40/#.VM60rUISvU4

 

Also do a Google search for "online dating worst profile picture" to get some examples of what not to do.  That one of the woman in a bikini eating a watermelon is certainly one for the ages. 

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Being a worthy Priesthood holder that stands by my commitments didn't garner much interest on LDS singles.

 

As a divorced man with 4 kids I found that most divorced women on LDS singles were looking to replace the playboy cheater that left them in the first place. 

 

But it did help me meet a young medical student who also was not impressed with the site. Before I deleted my account I gave her my information. She called me a couple weeks later. We've been married now 7 years. 

 

So have to give credit where credit is due, and while I'm grateful for the connection it made it was a rather disheartening experience.

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I left LDS Planet. Most of the guys they were "matching" me with weren't even LDS. Any time I tried to contact the site with concerns or questions....no response. But they are still happy to take your money.

I had to shake my head at a lot of the profiles.....the afore-mentioned shirtless pics....guys who posted about meeting for coffee.....I don't smoke/drink but it's okay if you do....... It's clear a lot of guys had no clue what kind of site they were posting on. Not to mention guys who made it clear they were looking for friends-with-benefits. Again, clueless about the kind of site they were on. But whoever the owners are, they clearly don't have a problem with allowing anyone on who will cough up the fee.

I had a couple of guys send nasty notes when I told them I wasn't interested (again, no response from admin). One was a good twenty years younger than me. And I got called some really lovely names when I told guys that I was not interested in dating non-Mormons.

I have known a few people over the years who met online and ended up marrying, but none from a Mormon dating site.

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That's too bad, Leah.  Your post reminded me that last year I also tried one LDS dating site (not LDSPlanet) with a chat room.  I entered it and started lurking.  I had other work to do that night, but I kept my eye on the chat room traffic.

 

I was appalled.  Very quickly I realized that most of the men were simply looking for one-night stands with any woman within a 3- or 4-hour driving radius.  (Some probably would have taken a 3- or 4-hour flying radius.)  And this was ostensibly an LDS site.  I fled the chat room and felt like disinfecting my computer and keyboard with Lysol.  

 

I was thinking about the couples I mentioned in an earlier post (older LDS people who married or remarried later in life).  One couple met online, but the rest of them did it the old-fashioned way: fierce networking with friends, relatives, business contacts, neighbors, and anyone else they could find.  One woman set a goal of getting 500 Facebook friends within a year.  She stopped at 250 or so... the friend of one of her new Facebook friends ended up proposing to her after an introduction and brief courtship. 

 

valdree, have you considered moving right now to an area with more LDS people?  Fishing in a small pond is a lot harder than in a big lake.  But I wouldn't give up on the dating sites unless you go for months without any nibbles from nice guys.  You only have to find one winner and then it's game over.   ;)

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There's a really wonderful couple in my ward that met online. Both divorced with kids, and both have been amazing for each other and their respective stepchildren. I know of other people who were successfully matched on LDS websites, too.

 

Of course there are also not-so-good stories. Personally, I only met weird guys when I joined one of those sites, but that was almost 20 years ago. And I also attracted weird guys in person, so maybe I'm not the best example.

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This whole conversation got me curious.  I went to LDSPlanet and signed up at the "free" level and browsed around.  Lots of women who seemed perfectly respectable.  Many had lovely personal statements about the Church, and they all seemed honorable and sincere.  A total of 378 possible matches of women near my zip code within 10 years of my age, but only 15 or so closer to my age.  But then I live in Silicon Valley, not South Succotash or Hooterville.  About $54 for a six-month membership.  

 

I dunno, if I were out looking for a spouse I might try it.

 

P.S. I have some additions to our little list of no-no's for profile pictures: No black lipstick, no Halloween costumes, and don't post more than 50 pictures of yourself... you might look desperate.

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That's too bad, Leah.  Your post reminded me that last year I also tried one LDS dating site (not LDSPlanet) with a chat room.  I entered it and started lurking.  I had other work to do that night, but I kept my eye on the chat room traffic.

 

I was appalled.  Very quickly I realized that most of the men were simply looking for one-night stands with any woman within a 3- or 4-hour driving radius.  (Some probably would have taken a 3- or 4-hour flying radius.)  And this was ostensibly an LDS site.  I fled the chat room and felt like disinfecting my computer and keyboard with Lysol.  

 

I was thinking about the couples I mentioned in an earlier post (older LDS people who married or remarried later in life).  One couple met online, but the rest of them did it the old-fashioned way: fierce networking with friends, relatives, business contacts, neighbors, and anyone else they could find.  One woman set a goal of getting 500 Facebook friends within a year.  She stopped at 250 or so... the friend of one of her new Facebook friends ended up proposing to her after an introduction and brief courtship. 

 

valdree, have you considered moving right now to an area with more LDS people?  Fishing in a small pond is a lot harder than in a big lake.  But I wouldn't give up on the dating sites unless you go for months without any nibbles from nice guys.  You only have to find one winner and then it's game over.   ;)

 

One of the reasons we got rid of the chatroom on lds.net forums.  So much inappropriate talk and sideline conversations going on.  And again, this is an LDS site.

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One of the reasons we got rid of the chatroom on lds.net forums.  So much inappropriate talk and sideline conversations going on.  And again, this is an LDS site.

 

 

Wow.  Chat rooms are a magnet for all kinds of trouble.

 

I once worked with a guy (not LDS) who spent a lot of time in chat rooms.  He struck up a conversation with a woman who claimed she was 21, and he very stupidly began asking her questions about her body.  They flirted online for a few days and then drifted apart.

 

But she wasn't a 21-year-old woman.  She was a 14-year-old girl, and copies of all her chats were saved as transcripts on her computer.  Three years later, the girl's parents found these chat transcripts with my co-worker's juicy comments and online name.  The parents called the police, who called in specialists who tracked down my co-worker.  He came home one night from work and found his house sealed off with yellow tape.  His wife and kids were hysterical as the cops carted off every computer in the house and then arrested him.

 

This co-worker didn't go to jail, but he was tried, convicted, and sentenced to 3 months in some strange halfway house thing where he could leave only to go to work.  He told his kids he was on a 3-month business trip so they wouldn't find out.  The halfway house itself sounded charming... one of the house rules was "Do not murder other residents" (or so he claimed). 

 

He got through it, but now he has a criminal record.  I found out about all this because he used me as a reference for a new job and he figured I should know the whole story.  But a criminal record is a big deal, even in California.  When I met this guy, he was a high-tech software puke pulling down $100K+ a year.  The last I heard he was peddling water heaters.   All from a few unwise minutes in a chat room.

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I know many couples that met on LDSingles. I met my own wife there. I also went on many dates both enjoyable and terrifying. But it does work for some. It all depends on how you go about it and what you honestly look for. I read a comment above that mentioned most people are looking for a "playboy type replacement"  from a previous relationship. This is true. On both sides.

 

I went on many dates where the girl was expecting NOT temple worthy things to happen by the end of the date. And many girls I was able to talk to complained of too many guys wanting the same thing.

 

So it becomes a case of just sorting through things and being careful. But again, it does work.

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There is a couple in my ward celebrating 12 yrs of marriage after meeting on and LDS site (in different countries). My son married after meeting on an LDS site (also different countries). Although not ideal and maybe the matches are not ideal, neither were the circumstances. I think you being in Scotland, also is not the ideal circumstance, so you have to expect some hiccups. 

 

Personally, I'd avoid any guy in a heavy LDS community like Utah or parts of other western USA states. It may offend many on this site for me saying that, but fact is women outnumber men by far. A guy still searching there isn't looking. 

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Personally, I'd avoid any guy in a heavy LDS community like Utah or parts of other western USA states. It may offend many on this site for me saying that, but fact is women outnumber men by far. A guy still searching there isn't looking. 

 

There may be some truth to this, however, me being in Utah, I just used the site to expand in the ways I could date. I would set up dates from work, school, and church. But the site just added another avenue. It just so happened that the woman that I felt fit me best came from TN. Not Utah.

 

But again. I think it just needs sifting through. No matter where you are looking or how you are looking.

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I never used an LDS dating site but I have tried non-LDS dating sites and it might be surprising to hear that I have met some decent men on there. Certainly, there are a lot of weirdos online, to put it nicely...

 

On a positive, just remember that there are plenty of people out there just like yourself, who are looking for a genuine connection and not just a convenient fling. You might run into a few frogs along the way but they're out there. For me personally, when I was doing the online dating thing for a bit, I didn't spend much time chatting online. I'd do some but I wanted to meet the person "in person" and not spend weeks or months of just chatting. That's me though. I have met guys that were awesome conversationalists online but in person were not anything like that, and I have met the opposite, guys that weren't read well online but in person were great company. 

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I still like school and classes for meeting members of the opposite sex.  If you've finished school, there are tons of classes for fun things and hobbies.  If you're a man, take a class in cooking or creative writing.  If you're a woman, take a class in auto repair or woodworking.  You'll definitely stand out and be the class mascot.

 

That's how I found my fiancee... a fun evening class like that.  The relationship fell apart over religion a few years later, sadly, but it was nice while it lasted.

 

A few years ago I started a book club by posting on Craigslist.  It was hard, because I wasn't sure I wanted strangers in my home, but I got like 20 replies and had to start two separate clubs.  That spawned a lot of great new friendships with interesting people.

 

One of those new friends had the best advice ever about finding a spouse: focus on making yourself the most appealing person possible, and then (speaking metaphorically) get the biggest butterfly net you can find and swing it with a healthy laugh 24x7 wherever you go.  That is, dating sites are okay, but don't get tunnel vision thinking they're the only path to love.

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Well... Dravin and Beefche met on lds.net and married each other a few years ago.  Now beefche can't lie about the yumminess of her recipes because we can just ask Dravin.

 

:-)

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Relationships can pop up in the most unexpected places.  When I lived in Texas, I was carrying groceries from my car into my apartment and I heard the sound of gunfire.  A few moments later a very nice looking woman ran up to me and said someone had fired a gun at her.  She had been walking through the parking lot and had come across something that looked illegal (maybe a drug deal) and the car sped off.  She ran after to get the license plate number and one of the passengers opened fire.

 

Nobody was hurt, but we decided to call the police.  A policemen arrived and I invited them all to my apartment to fill out the report.  Nothing much happened after the report was filed, but I saw where the woman lived and I asked her out on a date a week later and she accepted.  My friends called it "love at first shot."

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This whole conversation got me curious.  I went to LDSPlanet and signed up at the "free" level and browsed around.  Lots of women who seemed perfectly respectable.  Many had lovely personal statements about the Church, and they all seemed honorable and sincere.  A total of 378 possible matches of women near my zip code within 10 years of my age, but only 15 or so closer to my age.  But then I live in Silicon Valley, not South Succotash or Hooterville.  About $54 for a six-month membership.  

 

I dunno, if I were out looking for a spouse I might try it.

 

P.S. I have some additions to our little list of no-no's for profile pictures: No black lipstick, no Halloween costumes, and don't post more than 50 pictures of yourself... you might look desperate.

If I were you, I would try LDS Singles and avoid Planet.

Have you checked out Facebook? I hear there can be local singles groups there. Around here, though, there's pretty much nothing for singles from about 40 on up. We get told to just wait for the next life. At least, the women are. Whole other story for the men.

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Have you checked out Facebook? I hear there can be local singles groups there. Around here, though, there's pretty much nothing for singles from about 40 on up. We get told to just wait for the next life. At least, the women are. Whole other story for the men.

 

No, the area I live in is almost totally non-LDS or even anti-LDS.  I saw some stuff for younger local singles on FB and even they were having trouble.  In the 18 years I've lived here (off and on), I've personally met only two other Mormons outside of LDS venues.  One had her name removed from Church records, and the other was a former LDS bishop who had come out as gay.  I didn't even think such a thing was possible.  As I recall, he had many, many children, and other gay men weren't much interested in dating him.

 

Given the Church's emphasis on marriage, I sort of wish the Church would organize weekend regional events for singles over 40.  Maybe one every three months or something in each state/province or major metro area.  Just grab some stake center and do it, and find ways to get people there, even if you have to subsidize their travel expenses.  Online dating is okay for some people, but meeting people face to face is so much better.

 

I suppose I'm a bit of an exception because I'm very happy being single.  But I'd love to befriend other single Mormons my age or either gender, even if they live 2 or 3 hours away.

 

Don't give up... my mom was way past 40 when she married the man who became my stepfather.  She had given up hope and then it just sort of happened, and they were very happily married until he passed.

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P.S. I have some additions to our little list of no-no's for profile pictures: No black lipstick, no Halloween costumes, and don't post more than 50 pictures of yourself... you might look desperate.

 

Skip the wedding photos too.  And anything with a beer in your hand.  Might want to avoid the barely-street-legal-at-both-ends tube dress pics while you're claiming a current TR, too.

 

Oh, and be realistic on "body type" too; just because Andre The Giant was an athlete doesn't mean a 4'11" woman at the same weight has and "athletic" body type.

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Oh, and be realistic on "body type" too; just because Andre The Giant was an athlete doesn't mean a 4'11" woman at the same weight has and "athletic" body type.

 

That's why you just need to set a date and meet the person if you're interested. Pictures can be deceiving, in many ways, making someone look better or worse than they might normally do.

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That's why you just need to set a date and meet the person if you're interested. Pictures can be deceiving, in many ways, making someone look better or worse than they might normally do.

 

So can the profile "headlines," which often make me laugh out loud, e.g., "Foodie seeks bad cook for weight loss purposes."

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