Brink of divorce

[CassidyKM]

Hi,

I'm new to this but I don't know where else to go for good advice from non biased people.  Everyone loves my husband. They think he is the greatest man that ever walked the earth and I don't want to ruin that reputation for him. He is very helpful to our entire ward and alot of members come to him for scouting help and home repair assistance and guidance. He has been highly influencial to many young men over the past 15 years. I don't want these boys to know how difficult he is to live with.

 

So, here is my situation.  We have been married for 30 years, our children are grown and married. He has always been pretty critical of me and he easily gets angry and says horrible things to me. I have tolerated it for a long time, but for the past few years it has gotten worse. I know he doesn't like to do anything alone so I'm always willing to be wherever he is whenever possibe. But, I've gotten to where I am nervous when we do things together because  most of the time I end up making him mad when I don't read his mind.  That's alot of the time bacause we work at the same place and both have callings with the Youth.

   We seriously are complete opposites, He is very social and easy to be around, I am quiet and don't have an easy time talking in a group of people. He tells me I have shown no effort in our relationship and he carries us both along. He talks about divorce and finding an apartment every day now. I kmow he is not happy with me at all and expects me to fix everything by changing how I am and investing more into our relationship. He doesn't listen to me. To  him, every time I try to discuss our problems, I'm being defensive or playing the poor pitiful me card.  I find it hard to explain myself to anyone but especially him. He makes me feel so low when we have an argument. He is emotionally abusive to me. He will tell me I'm dumber that a box of rocks or he'll say I guess we need to go back to kindergarten and explain this again. Really? I know he wouldn't talk to anyone else like that Ever!!

   He is the perfect Priesthood holder in public. It's so painfull to see him publically as the wonderful man I first fell in love with and in private he is a different person. 

  I do not want to talk to our Bishop about this because he and his wife are our best friends. I know he deals with alot of painfull problems with ward members and I don't want to add to his burden by talking to him about how his best friend is difficult to live with.  I make it a point to always be kind and not saying anything to him I would later regret.   I really have no one to talk to about this issue. If we get a divorce, it will affect our ward, our friends, our family, our finances, our youth that think we are the perfect couple with a great celestial relationship to strive for. I have always been against divorce and felt it was the selfish way out and no one wins. Oh  but this is getting really hard to deal with! Neither one of us is happy right now. I would rather live by mself than with someone that belittles me constantly.

 

 

 

[Guest MormonGator]

Ma'am, I can offer you no advice, but know that I am praying for you. Your situation sounds very challenging. 

[Jane_Doe]

Cassidy, 

 

I'm a very forthright person, and I apologize if I seem blunt here.

 

Which is more important to you: your marriage, or your husband's reputation? 

 

If marriage is the most important thing, then QUIT WORRYING WHAT PEOPLE THINK and START GETTING HELP that you both need.  Quit avoiding the Bishop, and get into his office.  The fact that he's your friend gives him double the motivation to help you-- both as a bishop and because friend's lean on each other.  

 

Get both you and your husband into counseling.  Work on communication: so much of your post traces back to things like "he doesn't understand me" and "I guess he's thinking this" (and vise versa).  If you two are to rebuild your marriage, you got to learn how to communicate and respect each other.

[Palerider]

It takes two people to work at a marriage. The situation you describe is not healthy. My advice would be to see your Stake President first and tell him your concerns with your Bishop if you were to go to him. That's just my opinion.

[askandanswer]

I think it might be helpful to start taking notes about the details and the specifics of the events that cause you concern and hurt. If things get to the point where the two of you, or two plus the bishop start having real discussions, it will probably be helpful if you can refer to specific examples. That should help to better illustrate the problem, and once something is better illustrated, or seen more clearly, it can more easily be addressed. 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

By protecting his reputation and not going to the Bishop you are enabling his misbehavior.  You Bishop was called to help couples in situations like this, and God knew all about what was going on in your home when he called that man as your Bishop.  That friendship you two have with him may be the thing that makes the difference between saving this marriage or not, but not is you continue to bottle things up and help him put on a false face for everybody else.

 

I don't think your marriage is past the point of no return from what you've described, but if you continue to do nothing about it then things will keep heading in the same direction and it will be a far worse result for both of you than going to the Bishop now.  The Bishop isn't going to put your troubles Sacrament Meeting program, he will work with you privately and help you get to the resources that you both need.

 

Don't enable him to keep acting like this, don't sit back and let your marriage die without a fight, don't make excuses for him or excuses to avoid doing what needs to be done.  Don't delay, set up an appointment now.

[yjacket]

One of the best pieces of marital advice that I have been given is to simply do the following:

 

Ask my spouse 10 times a day: "What can I do for you?" and then to do it.

 

Okay the 10 times is a little exaggeration, but I consistently remind myself to ask that simple question. If both people are doing that and are honestly answering and are doing their best to fulfill the requests of the other person life will go a lot smoother.

[thoughts]

Find a therapist (at your local domestic violence shelter or a referral from them --- the person you chose for you needs to be someone who can help you sort out whether what is happening is abuse and how to deal with it.)   That therapist can help you get on solid emotional ground for your self, and develop a safety plan.   (For instance, you will want to start to become physically and financially and socially independent so that you will be able to deal with a divorce if that happens.)

 

Buy the book "Bonds That Make You Free" by C. Terry Warner, and give your dh a copy and tell him that you would like to read the book alound with him for 20 minutes every day, or another schedule you negotiate.  Or attend one of the conflict seminars at  https://arbinger.com/events/   (this has the advantage of not being THERAPY which some partners hate as a poor reflection on them).

 

Tell your dh that you are unwilling to put up with the abuse (be specific about what you need him to do differently, write it down for him, give him specific examples)  any more and you wonder whether he even can hear himself, since what he does at home is so much different than how he treats everyone else.   So tell hm you are going to record him when he starts so that he can hear what he sounds like.   Set up nanny cams in the rooms he usually does it (not in your bedroom though).   If he is really not understanding what he is doing, then this may help pull him up short.

 

Do not continue to allow him to abuse you.  Put a lock on a room in your home, in which you have placed noise cancelling headphones, a telephone, and inspiring music and reading material.   When he starts trashtalking you, go into the room, lock the door and put the earphones on and listen to and read inspiring things, until the rant has stopped.   If you leave the room every time, he will likely quit doing it.

 

At this point you will want to suggest attending marriage counseling to him.   Because if the non-therapy hasn't helped him, and the leaving the room hasn't changed anything, then you'll want to see if having someone help you talk with each other would do what you haven't been able to do before.

 

You are not less than him because he is adored by others.  You are simply different.  He may not understand that he is not entitled to have you around all the time (not to mention that is pretty contradictory to his wanting a divorce).  You are entitled to enjoy some time without him.   DH may also need a complete physical if the abusiveness is recent: maybe something has happened in his brain.

 

If his reputations and wonderfulness matters to him, he isn't likely to divorce you since that would crumble the illusion.  But he does apparently need a wakeup call.   If you need the bishop's help, then don't prevent yourself from reaching out to protect your spouse.   But bishops aren't trained to help in this circumstance, and they are explicitly told not to counsel people to divorce (or whom to marry).   If you need a blessing, then ask him if he thinks he could really give you one from teh Lord.  Or ask your home teacher or your father/brother (you do not have to tell the person about why you want one or why dh isn't giving it, and should not).  

 

Every person in a marriage has to examine it to see their own part in any conflict.   So go ahead and do that.   Just do not accept responsibility for what is not your doing.   Accept no guilt that is not really yours, no matter who tries to make it out to be your problem.  Stay close to the Lord, because you will need to rely on Him (who, with your Heavenly Mother adn Savior), knows you completely, in every moment, and is your biggest cheerleader.   You are good enough for Them, whatever personal weakness or even faults you may have.  

 

Another reason you have to challenge the abuse is that you lead young women who probably have seen or heard things that make them wonder.   Kindly and firmly and completely rejecting abusive behavior must be done or they will absorb that women have to put up with what you are experiencing.

 

You can do this.   You will do this. 

 

NOTE:  You may not want to be physically intimate with him.   That is completely your right.  But I would urge you to see if you are willing to gift him that gift, even when you don't feel like it.  Men experience intimacy in a different way than women do:  it mends their hearts.  It draws them closer.  It inspires them to want to be something better than they are.  (All the things that women require first before the intimacy.)   If you can give him that gift, it may really help.

Edited July 18, 2015 by thoughts

[Guest]

My advice:

Kneel down in prayer asking for the Spirit to guide you and then write him this exact thing you wrote to us in a letter. Ask him to pray before reading your letter.

Then tell us exactly how he reacted (or a therapist if you want to get professional advice) then we can help you analyze and figure out what your next step is.

It is always better NOT to look at your husband as the enemy against your marriage. Rather, you both need to be on the same side helping each other overcome unrighteous choices to preserve your marriage. Anything you do should be made towards this end. HELP him overcome his weaknesses.

[pkstpaul]

Your situation is not uncommon. I believe a good therapist can help you open up the communication channels that are blocked. It doesn't mean you won't find some underlying root issue that has to be dealt with, but communicaiton problems can exist even for 30 year marriages.

 

Your bishop is not a trained marriage counselor, so don't feel you should be talking to him on that level. He can recommend LDS Family Service councilors, if that is what you need. If you can't talk to him, talk directly to your Stake President, for the same reason.

 

Best wishes.  I feel for you.

[Str8Shooter]

X2 with what anatess said.

 

I know for a fact you are not dumb.  You are abused.  You are a victim.  It is inappropriate for anyone to call their spouse demeaning and demoralizing things.  It is never okay.  I don't care how mad people get.  It is never, ever okay.  

 

If what you have said is true, he is not a worthy priesthood holder.

[Guest MormonGator]

.  

 

If what you have said is true, he is not a worthy priesthood holder.

 Yup. 

[Palerider]

I went back and read the situation again in regards to your marriage. If I were a Bishop today and a couple came to me and all these came out that have been mentioned .... I couldn't come out and tell you to divorce him ..... But I would sure drop several hints that you should.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

President Gordon B. Hinckley
April 2002 General Conference - Priesthood session
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2002/04/personal-worthiness-to-exercise-the-priesthood

 

"In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.

 

She is not your servant, your chattel, nor anything of the kind.

 

How tragic and utterly disgusting a phenomenon is wife abuse. Any man in this Church who abuses his wife, who demeans her, who insults her, who exercises unrighteous dominion over her is unworthy to hold the priesthood. Though he may have been ordained, the heavens will withdraw, the Spirit of the Lord will be grieved, and it will be amen to the authority of the priesthood of that man.

 

Any man who engages in this practice is unworthy to hold a temple recommend."

Edited July 22, 2015 by Latter-Day Marriage

[CassidyKM]

Thank you so much for all of your advice! I live on a roller coaster ride. Some days are great and some days are horrible. He will not go to counselling, He doesn't want to burden anyone else with our problems. He feels that I have all the power to fix our marriage. All I need to do is invest more effort into our marriage, show him how I care, communicate and be more intimate with him. He does not believe he needs to do anything to repair our relationship. I have tried so many times to do that, but I always fall short. He is bitter, so when I kiss or hug him, he doesn't reciprocate. When I talk to him, he doesn't reply. That is so hard! I can't imagine ever doing that to him. He makes it very difficult to love him. This has been going on for a long time, I don't think he has ever liked the type of person I am and he wants to change things in me that can't be changed. When we were first married, I was a dumb young girl and promised him I would talk more, communicate better and be more outgoing. Well, now I know, that is just not in my nature. He tells me now that  promises don't mean anything to me and I don't know how to keep them.  I'm in a big mess. 

  I've gone to the temple with this problem and fasted and prayed. I have received patience and strength far beyond my own to deal with my trials. I know that I am loved by my Heavenly Father and that He knows what I am dealing with. I need to work this out with His guidance and just know that my husband has his agency and I cannot change him.